Thank you, WOW Report.

She is dressed up as a squid having sex.

This is why she is coming to Seattle tomorrow to speak.

That Miss England really is a total knockout. Unfortunately, we’re not talking about Rachel Christie’s beautiful dark eyes or sparkling smile. We’re referring to her mean right hook. In a true “tantrums and tiaras” moment, the 21-year-old beauty queen has been arrested after allegedly punching 24-year-old Miss Manchester, Beverley Jones in a spat over a man — who just happens to be a Gladiator (as in, the UK version of “American Gladiators”) named Tornado, Sky News reports.

The image is from here.

Owen Wilson has signed on to voice the rascally Great Dane "Marmaduke," Fox and New Regency's adaptation of the long-running comic strip.

Wilson's boarding is the last piece of the puzzle for the live-action/CG movie, which has shades of Fox's surprise smash "Marley & Me" and follows a family named the Winslows who move from Kansas to Orange County with their dog Marmaduke, a slobbery pooch who creates chaos wherever he goes.

I predict that this movie will make the Garfield movie look like Blue Velvet in comparison. In other news, Owen Wilson really needs a lot of money for some reason.

Whaddya know? Today the ridiculously trashy Randy and Evi Quaid failed to show up in court to face charges stemming from their September arrest for burglary, fraud, and conspiracy after skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill. This was the Quaids' third no-show. From RadarOnline.com:

RadarOnline.com has learned that the case has now been taken off of the calendar and that the Quaid's outstanding warrants will remain effective. They will not be given another chance to appear voluntarily in court again, and if they chose to return to California they will be arrested. Extradition papers are in the process of being prepared, they are expected to take 2-3 weeks to execute.

Here's more:

The Quaid’s former private detective Becky Altringer told Radar Online.com that she was not surprised that they had previously not turned up to court. "I’ll tell you what is going through Evi’s mind right now is that this is all a set-up, and the mob is going to kill her and Randy. She’s thinking that it is all a conspiracy."

Whatever could the Quaids' have done to piss off the mob? Kicked them in the leg and called them Nazis? Stolen tons of coke? God only knows, and when it's time for anyone else to know, Radar will tell us.

Quaidwatch 2009 officially begins now.

Oprah Winfrey, on a campaign to climb back from last season's ratings slump, will attempt to kiss and make up with conservative viewers on Nov. 16 when she has Sarah Palin on her syndicated talk show.

Also, on the day that Palin's Going Rogue is released, a small, smart publisher will also release a paperback collection of critical essays about Palin titled Going Rouge.

I find myself in the most curious position of being quite undeniably obsessed about the idea, the concept, the would-be-mayor that is Joe Mallahan. My dark little soul is BURSTING with a fiery, passionate Mallahan-ish curiosity! I want to know everything about him! Every little thing! (Except about his job or his millions o’ dollars or his voting record—or complete lack thereof. I don’t want to know anymore about that dreadful crap at all.)

I want to know the real Joe Mallahan: What does he eat for breakfast? (Crispy Creams flown to him on the back of a Hippogryph? Gold-dipped Dodo eggs?) What do those soft, soft Mallahands touch during an average day? (Besides million-dollar bills.) Does he squat or hover? (I bet he hovers!) Does his chin-cleft collect water when it rains? The suspense is killing me!

I once commanded a legion of star-stalkers that scoured the city in search of dish on the rich, notable, famous, and so forth. I call upon that sleeping army of celebrity-stalkers now! I summon you, and move you to action! HEED ME!

Go forth! Spy! Eavesdrop! Observe casually! Memorize details! Make shit up if you have to! (Just kidding!) And send every little thing to me at adrian@thestranger.com. No detail is too small (or too soft… mmm…)!

Did John Mallahan eat a hot dog? Did he scratch his ear at dinner? How are his shoe laces looking…nice and tied? SEND IT!

DO IT! I NEED TO KNOW!

(Oh…and for clarity, here’s what he looks like. I suggest you watch with the sound off.)

Go!

(P.S. Don't break any laws. Mean it. Thanks.)

And Hayden Panettiere will make out with some girl in the next episode of Heroes. Hopefully, ratings-inspired lesbian kisses have become the new Cousin Oliver and this means that this will be the last season of Heroes. I watched the first episode of the new season and underwhelmed doesn't begin to describe how I feel about this show.

Hey, happy birthday! Thanks for inviting me! Oh my god, is that Ben Stiller talking to Kirstie Alley!? Is that Keifer Sutherland eating canapes?? I had no idea you had so many celebrity fr—

Oh, no. No, it's not. Anyway, happy birthday. Could you ask Fake Tom Selleck to stop staring at me, please?

I'm a little unclear on the concept here. "Now Levi Johnston does it with protection." Is that a reference to the shell on that pistachio nut? If so, what does the shell on a pistachio protect Levi from exactly? It doesn't protect him from the nut. Levi gets that nut in the end... kind of like Bristol got Levi's nut, right? So it's not like the shell of a pistachio functions in any way like the condom that Levi coulda, woulda, shoulda used with Bristol. Maybe they're suggesting that Levi should've deposited his nut in Bristol's mouth? I'm confused.

UPDATE: I am dum. The pistachio shell isn't the condom. It's not the "protection," the big black bodyguard is. So... now Levi does it with protection. So he does it with his bodyguard. My goodness. Is there any video of that?

If I ever get a TV show I am not sleeping any female staffers. Ever. Just to be on the safe side I'm only going to have male staffers.

UPDATE: Via Towleroad... the staffer that Letterman had sex with—apparently before he married his long-time girlfriend—is Stephanie Birkitt, a ten-year veteran of the show. She is/was also the girlfriend of Robert Halderman, a producer at the CBS news program 48 Hours and the man who was arrested for attempting to blackmail Letterman.

Imagine if Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig somehow made babies. The world would not survive under the immense weight of that combined hunkiness.

The breakdown of the marriage U.S. reality television stars Jon and Kate Gosselin has made its mark on the television show that chronicles their lives, with its title being changed to "Kate Plus 8".

The reality show now called "Jon & Kate Plus 8" will change its name on November 2 to reflect the couple's divorce, which was filed for in June.... "Kate Plus 8" will document Gosselin's life as a single mother raising 5-year-old sextuplets and 8-year-old twins.

Perhaps you remember the Quazy Quaids from their Seattle shenanigans of 2008, when they ruined then abandoned a production at the 5th Avenue Theater.

Or maybe you remember later that year, when the events mentioned above led to Randy Quaid being banned for life from Actors Equity and ordered to pay an $82,000 fine. (At the Equity hearing, Quaid's amazing wife Evi reportedly blamed the charges against her husband on a "Nazi plot" and kicked a 76-year-old Equity employee so hard she drew blood!)

Whatever the case, yesterday brought a most impressive report from TMZ:

Randy and Evi Quaid Arrested After Struggle

Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were just arrested in Marfa, Texas, TMZ has learned. Law enforcement sources tell us they were picked up by Presidio County Sheriff's deputies. We're told there was a struggle and deputies had to wrestle Evi to the ground as she screamed loudly.

Felony arrest warrants had been issued for the Quaids in Santa Barbara, CA for burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy. They're accused of stiffing the San Ysidro Ranch near Santa Barbara out of thousands of bucks.

Full story (complete with Evi-riffic updates) here.

So I watched Highlander the other night (zzzzzzzz like i've never zzz'd before), which led me to Sean Connery's Wikipedia page, which led me to the section on "accusations of abuse," which delivered unto me this quote: "I don't think there is anything particularly wrong about hitting a woman ... If a woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I'd do it."* Oh, Sean-Con! You crazy!

Women, WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE SEAN CONNERY ALONE!?

Second-favorite Connery fact: "Connery stated in interviews for the film (included on the DVD release) that he was offered a role in The Lord of the Rings series, declining it due to 'not understanding the script.'" But HIGHLANDER MADE PERFECT GODDAMN SENSE TO YOU!?

Also, can we talk about the part when Sean Connery (clearly Scottish) asks Christopher Lambert (clearly French) what "haggis" is? And Lambert's all "Ooh, ze 'aggis, eet eez ze sheep's bladderre stuffed weeth barleeeeey." And Connery's all, "SAY WHAAAAAT?" like he doesn't eat haggis off his wife's naked body EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT (you know, as long as the bitch doesn't talk back).

I wish I could slap that movie with an open hand.

*Yes, yes, sorry there's no tag for Fifteen-Year-Old News.

MacKenzie Phillips had sex for years with her father, John Phillips

MacKenzie is selling a book. Her father can't comment on her claims—he died in 2001.

^{*The term "artwork" is here applied loosely to images on paper, many of which are basically posters signed by Yoko Ono.}

^{**The term "Hand-Written" means hand-written before it was copied onto the piece of paper you'd be buying.}

Here are a couple of samples of the erotica, inspired by the occasion of the Lennon-Ono marriage/honeymoon.

They are confusing, terrible, and extremely unhot. Here is a third one that beats the other two on all three counts. Are those Fraggles?

The show is September 25-27 (10 am-9 pm Fri-Sat, 11 am-6 pm Sun) on the third floor of Pacific Place Mall.

Swayze—he of the grinding groin and the pachanga and the half-orc brother (not to kick you when you're down, Don Swayze, but that FACE is CRAZY!)—was what one might call Lindy West's First Crush. Dirty Dancing was a formative force in my development as a small heterosexual human (supplementary materials: the music videos for Billy Idol's "Cradle of Love," Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory," and Warrant's "Cherry Pie"). In the year 1989, I was probably not old enough to be watching Dirty Dancing, and I sure as shit had no idea what I was looking at most of the time (back-alley abortia-who?), but I knew that this "Johnny Castle" person with the lady-haircut and the high-waisted tights was my kind of situation.

Read the whole thing HERE.

Mary got her mention in the Morning News, but a moment's silence for Henry Gibson, the multifaceted comic actor who got his big break reciting joke poetry on Laugh-In, earned raves in one of the centerpiece roles in Robert Altman's classic Nashville, and was most recently seen in a recurring role on TV's Boston Legal, who died this week at age 73.

From the Los Angeles Times obit:

Gibson was still known as Jim Bateman in the early '60s when he was living in New York City, where his roommate was another struggling young actor—Jon Voight, whom he had met when they were both students at Catholic University. Voight recalled Wednesday that they developed a small comedy act that they performed at a couple of auditions featuring two naive hillbilly characters. Voight said he came up with the names: Harold and Henry Gibson, the latter a derivative of playwright Henrik Ibsen's name.

RIP Henry Gibson, who to me will always be Nashville's Haven Hamilton. Here's a song Gibson wrote and performed in the 1976 film, a crap-country spoof so good it's become beloved by crap-country lovers who don't realize it's satire.

Also performing tonight:
Luke Burbank (Too Beautiful to Live)
Travis Vogt (watch this, please)
Performers from the upcoming Seattle Sketchfest (probably funny!)
Emmett Montgomery's mustache (flaxen!)

It's going to be a great, great show. You go there.

Here's Adomian in a genius performance as drunk Orson Welles (cf):

And here's Adomian last night, performing Neil Diamond's "I Am, I Said":

Amazing. The man is a wizard.

Update! The mystery is solved: White is not in a teardrop trailer or a boat but a car, an old woodie. Yes, a woodie! Cloudbustingkid provided the information.

(Also, I'mma let myself finish, but Kanye rhymed "OMG" with "woe is me!" That is one of the best rhymes of all time.)