http://slog.thestranger.com/blogs/slog/ Seattle's #1 Weekly Newspaper. Covering Seattle news, politics, music, film, and arts; plus movie times, club calendars, restaurant listings, forums, blogs, and Savage Love. en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. editor@thestranger.com (The Stranger Editor) webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Sat, 25 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Sat, 25 May 2013 23:15:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-need-to-be-stoned-to-share http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-need-to-be-stoned-to-share Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=808581">December 4, 2008</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>My girlfriend and I have been on-and-off for almost two years. I took her back after she cheated on me. Now she wants a threesome. I am not down with sharing her, but I am willing to do it because otherwise some other girl will do it for her. I told her that I want to be stoned, because I don't think I can handle it sober. She got mad because she doesn't like drugs. Then what am I supposed to do?</p> <p><em>Lesbian With One Real Dilemma</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>You're supposed to wake the fuck up already.</p> <p>You can be in a monogamous relationship with someone, LWORD, or you can be in a relationship with this woman&#8212;but <em>you can't be in a monogamous relationship with this woman</em>. She's already proven herself to be inept at this monogamy stuff; she cheated on you, you took her back, and now she's pressing you to bring in the occasional third. You may not be down with sharing her, LWORD, but she seems intent on being shared.</p> <p>Here's the question you should be asking yourself: Do you want this woman in your life badly enough to overcome your aversion to sharing? Agreeing to a three-way&#8212;so long as you're baked&#8212;doesn't count. A three-way involving a woman; her reluctant, resentful, self-medicating girlfriend; and an innocent bystander is unlikely to (1) be much fun for anyone involved (particularly your unlucky third) or (2) put an end to your girlfriend's desire for share time.</p> <p>Your girlfriend is seeking to fold her desire to sleep with other women into the structure of your relationship: three-ways now, perhaps some degree of openness later. She gets points for being honest this time, but she loses points for being manipulative and controlling. (New pussy for her, no pot for you? Please.) And if this three-way is a disaster and you refuse to have others&#8212;which may be the outcome you're subconsciously hoping for&#8212;I predict that your girlfriend will just go back to cheating on you.</p> <p>So returning to my original point: If you want a girlfriend you don't have to share, find another girlfriend. If you want this girlfriend, learn to share.</p> <p>And invest in a vaporizer.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-need-to-be-stoned-to-share#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16866534&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-need-to-be-stoned-to-share?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16866534&id=comments 24 Sat, 25 May 2013 11:09:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/24/sl-letter-of-the-day-seconded http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/24/sl-letter-of-the-day-seconded Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=213212">May 3, 2007</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I'm a 42-year-old straight guy, married 15 years, no kids. I love my wife, and I have remained faithful. Recently, I opened a Second Life (SL) account, and created an avatar/alter ego for myself. I created an SL account with a female avatar because, although I'm straight and comfortable with my gender and sexuality, I've always fantasized about being transformed into a beautiful woman and having sex with other beautiful women. SL allows me an opportunity to explore this fantasy of being a lesbian, and also lets me engage in types of fantasy sex-play I would not normally do in real life (RL), such as BDSM, multiple partners, and anonymous sex.</p> <p>I laid down some ground rules for myself: (1) I would NOT form a partnership in SL. (2) I would NOT, under any circumstances, discuss or reveal any details of my RL with anyone. (3) I would NOT form emotional relationships with other avatars. I have followed these rules to the letter.</p> <p>My wife knows I have an SL account, but that's it. She's made it clear that she considers sex in SL to be adultery. I disagree. I see it as a form of user-controlled porn&#8212;so long as I follow the three rules above. I only go on SL when she is not at home, and I do not spend time in SL when I could be with her. We have a normal sex life, although she's not as GGG as she was when we were first married. She's grown more conservative&#8212;personally and sexually, not politically&#8212;as she's grown older. I love my wife very much, and I want my marriage to last. But sexually I'm more adventurous than my wife, and SL allows me to express that side of myself without any RL adultery.</p> <p>Nevertheless, Dan, I feel guilty. My wife would not be happy (understatement of the young century) if she knew of my SL activities. And I hate lying to my wife. Yet, at the same time, I'm having so much fun&#8212;I am exploring fantasies I never could in real life, with a smoking-hot female avatar I'll never be. Should I come clean? Close down my SL account?</p> <p><em>Second Lifer In Need Of Real Life Advice</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>First, SLINORLA: This is a marriage, not a deposition. You don't have to tell your wife the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God. No marriage&#8212;no civil union, no domestic partnership, no semiregular hookup&#8212;would survive long if each partner made a full confession of the previous day's minor betrayals at breakfast.</p> <p>Second, SLINORLA: You have a right to your fantasies. It's a shame your wife can't see that and give your SL avatar her blessing. ("Some of your fantasies are nuts, honey&#8212;but, hey, go have your fun on the computer.") But like a lot of spouses, male and female, your wife seems to believe that marriage obligates you to round your libido down to match hers. It's not enough that you've stayed physically faithful as she's become more conservative and less GGG (good, giving, game); by declaring sex in SL to be adultery, your wife is attempting to deny you a necessary outlet for your sexual energy. So what do you do? You do what spouses have done since spouses were invented: Tell her what she wants to hear and go right on doing what you're doing. "No sex in SL, honey, promise" is simply "Of course I don't think of anyone else when we make love" updated for the technology age.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/24/sl-letter-of-the-day-seconded#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16866506&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/24/sl-letter-of-the-day-seconded?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16866506&id=comments 32 Fri, 24 May 2013 15:54:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/23/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-a-prude-and-not-just-not-that http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/23/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-a-prude-and-not-just-not-that Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I am a 26 y.o. gay man living in Europe. Some weekends ago I went to visit a friend to another city and we went out to a party where I met a gay couple in their mid 30s. We clicked and by the end of the night they proposed me a threesome. (It was an excitement idea! They were very hot!) Unfortunately I had to decline because the friend I was visiting is a friend with benefits and we agreed on "fun together or not fun at all."</p> <p>The issue is that I gave these guys my cellphone number and one of the guys&#8212;a guy that is hot as hell and way out of my league&#8212;wanted to have fun with me but without his partner. He was planning on coming to my city only for this reason and was waiting for me to confirm. I asked him if his partner agreed on this and he told me that he didn't know if his partner would have agreed and that he was not planning on telling him. (They have been together for more than 8 years!) I have been with guys in open relationships but I have always declined the cheating setup and this was clearly a cheating setup so I declined. The guy was not happy and called me a prude.</p> <p>This is not true, Dan! I have a lot of fun with guys but I just don't like the idea of being the one that a guy cheated on his partner with. In a "Grindr" set up with limited information, this would have been less of a problem for me, but here I knew who his boyfriend was and their relationship status. My male hetero friends, that are all in couples, told me that I did right. My male gay friends, that are all single at the moment, thought that I should have gone for it, that I am too uptight and, yes, prudish.</p> <p>Am I a prude? Enlighten me, Dan. Please.</p> <p><em>The Gay Prude</em></p> <p>P.S. Sorry about my English!</p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>You did right, TGP, and you're clearly not a prude. There's nothing prudish about friends with benefits or threesomes with hot couples. You're also not an asshole. You didn't ditch your FWB in favor of the hot couple despite how excitement the idea was. Instead you honored your standing agreement with your friend&#8212;"fun together or fun not at all"&#8212;because, again, you're not an asshole.</p> <p>And not only aren't you an asshole, TGP, you're also not interested in aiding and abetting assholes&#8212;not even hot ones, not even ones who are way out of your league. (Maybe he was out of your league looks-wise, TGP, but you are out his league human-decency-wise.) And look how that hot asshole reacted when you told him you weren't interested in helping him cheat on his boyfriend: he had a fit and called you names. This gay asshole is probably used to getting all the boys he wants. (Hot gay assholes tend to get all the boys they want.) His behavior when he heard the word "no" revealed him to be the very definition of a hot gay asshole: pretty on the outside, full of shit on the inside.</p> <p>As for your single gay friends, TGP, they're clearly thinking with their dicks. And that's fine. You were thinking with your dick a little too&#8212;all men think with their dicks&#8212;but your heart and your brain are in the loop with your dick. That's the way to be, TGP. Don't ever change.</p> <p>P.S. Please don't apologize for your English&#8212;it's way better than my European.</p> <p>P.P.S. Your decision not to leave the club with the hot couple, your unwillingness to ditch your friend, reminded me of something my late friend David Rakoff used to say to his friends: <strong>"Don't trade up."</strong> David was a good guy, TGP, one of the best. If what you're doing reminds me of David, TGP, then you're doing something right. If you've got a minute... please go read Ariel Kaminer's <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/12/30/magazine/the-lives-they-lived-2012.html?view=David_Rakoff">beautiful piece about who David was</a> and what he meant to his friends.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/23/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-a-prude-and-not-just-not-that#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16853965&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/23/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-a-prude-and-not-just-not-that?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16853965&id=comments 39 Thu, 23 May 2013 10:42:42 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/21/sl-letter-of-the-day-have-you-ever-heard-of http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/21/sl-letter-of-the-day-have-you-ever-heard-of Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=272569">July 26, 2007</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I'm a 31-year-old attractive single woman, and I recently went on Match.com and found a guy. Our e-mails and one phone conversation went well and he seemed kind and was okay-looking in his picture, so I met him for drinks. It was disappointing, to say the least. He looked 15 years older than his picture and was socially awkward to the point of sheer misery. He told me he didn't want to eat cheese because he "had the craps," announced to the waitress that this was our first date, yawned when I talked about my job, and said, "I could tell you were really into me the minute you walked in the room."</p> <p>Standard bad date so far, right?</p> <p>Here's the bizarre part: On the phone he'd said, "The most beautiful sound in the world is applause. I hope I can hear you clap for me sometime." He is a music teacher, so I thought he was referring to applause after a performance. But when we met in person, he asked me to clap for him, for no reason, in the restaurant! I asked him why, and he said he just really loved the sound of clapping. I ignored his request, finished my drink, and said it was nice to meet him but I didn't think this was going to work. I shook his hand good-bye in the parking lot and at this point he asked again for me to clap&#8212;but now in a whiny voice, literally begging me to do it. The worst part? I did it, just to shut him up, before speeding away in my car. I'm simultaneously creeped out and intrigued.</p> <p>Have you ever heard of a clapping fetish?</p> <p><em>Clap Off The Clapper</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>I get letters every day from people asking if I've "ever heard of" a particular sex act, fetish, kink, or hang-up before. The assumption, I guess, is that the thoroughly skanky author of this thoroughly skanky column has heard of <em>everything</em>. And that's fine; I've heard of and, er, done quite a lot. But the folks who send these EHO letters aren't seeking confirmation that they're not crazy&#8212;or in COTC's case, that this really happened&#8212;but some form of absolution, as if my having heard of whatever it is they're doing, were asked to do, or refused to do, makes it&#8212;whatever it is&#8212;a little less bizarre.</p> <p>But almost invariably I <em>haven't</em> heard of the sex act, fetish, kink, or hang-up the authors of EHO letters ask about. Like this clapping fetishist COTC encountered&#8212;I've never heard of that one before. I don't doubt COTC's story for a moment because, hey, if it can be named, performed, swallowed, or worn, someone out there has a fetish for it. So while I can't offer COTC absolution for the sex act she performed&#8212;yes, it was a sex act&#8212;in that parking lot, I can offer her the next best thing: bragging rights. Not only did you stump me, COTC, but this is a bad-first-date story you'll be dining out on for the rest of your life. Congrats!</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/21/sl-letter-of-the-day-have-you-ever-heard-of#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16837470&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/21/sl-letter-of-the-day-have-you-ever-heard-of?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16837470&id=comments 46 Tue, 21 May 2013 17:07:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/20/sl-letter-of-the-day-did-you-think-i-was-going-to-tell-you-not-to-come-out http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/20/sl-letter-of-the-day-did-you-think-i-was-going-to-tell-you-not-to-come-out Dan Savage <blockquote><p>Should one come out as bisexual if 1. One has never actually had a same-sex sexual experience and 2. Is a woman married to a straight man BUT 1. Is 90% sure she would enjoy sexual experience with (particular) women and 2. Has had some same-sex fantasies and crushes (if not quite as many as on men) since 12 years old, and 3. HAS had some sexual experience with more effeminite men, one of which was partly on account of his cross-dressing (I know, I know, not the same thing, but...)</p> <p>There are several reasons (if not excuses) I've not yet had a sexual experience with another woman, including 1. UBER-Catholic upbringing, 2. Internalized homophobia, which I'm now getting over, 3. getting married young(er), a few days after I turned 25, before I fully self-realized my sexual preferences, 4. complicated living/financial situation with spouse, and 5. Spouse less sexually adventurous, but *possibly* open to my having a same-sex sexual experience if he is involved (how to make that happen in upstate South Carolina is possibly another story, and the fact that I'm not sure I want him involved is another story, too...).</p> <p>I have always felt somewhat genderqueer/bisexual/possibly pan-sexual, but didn't have names for these things (besides bi-sexuality) until graduate school. Naming these things has been a powerful step in my becoming more self-actualized, but I'm not sure what the next step(s) should be for me. Thanks,</p> <p><em>Bi/Curious?</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>We've covered this before&#8212;we've covered this at length&#8212;so I'm going to make quick work of my response to you, B/C, before moving on to a more pressing matter: Yes, B/C, one should come out as bisexual&#8212;if one is, in fact, bisexual, as the coming out of the bisexual ones reduces bisexual invisibility specifically and increases the acceptance of LGBT people generally. The more out ones&#8212;gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans&#8212;the better. So come out already.</p> <p>Okay, gang, I'm calling out the flying monkeys. Because this shit is appalling: a high-school-age girl in Florida was dating another high-school-age girl. Both were members of their school's varsity basketball team. The older girl was 17, the younger was 15. When the older girl turned 18, the younger girl's parents <strong>called the police</strong> and had their daughter's girlfriend arrested. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/19/kaitlyn-hunt-florida-teen-felony-same-sex_n_3302713.html">HuffPo</a>:</p> <p><div class="blogImageRight" style="width:212px;"><img src="http://www.thestranger.com/binary/ff93/1369091397-1369091373_tmp_freekate.jpg" alt="1369091373_tmp_freekate.jpg" title="" width="200" height="261" /></div><blockquote>Kaitlyn Hunt, 18, faces two felony counts of "lewd and lascivious battery on a child 12 to 16" after the parents of her 15-year-old girlfriend pressed charges earlier this year, according to Examiner.... According to Hunt-Smith, police arrived at the family's home Feb. 16 and put her daughter in handcuffs. Local news website TCPalm.com listed Kaitlyn Hunt's arrest for "lewd and lascivious battery" on Feb. 18, and the girl's mug shot is still easily accessible on the Internet.</p></blockquote> <p>I told you this shit was appalling: homophobic parents are using the criminal justice system to persecute their daughter's girlfriend, whom they blame for "making" their daughter gay. But having Kaitlyn&#8212;or Kate&#8212;arrested wasn't good enough for these homophobes:</p> <blockquote><p>The other girl's parents repeatedly tried to have Kaitlyn, a senior, expelled from school. Despite the Sebastian River High School administration's denial of their request, and a judge's order allowing Kaitlyn to remain in school (so long as the girls had no contact), the 15-year-old's parents successfully petitioned the school board to have Hunt removed from school weeks prior to graduation.</p></blockquote> <p>Kate now faces <em>15 years in prison</em>. But the state has offered her a deal&#8212;a terrible, no-good, rotten deal. Gawker <a href="http://gawker.com/florida-teen-faces-felony-charges-over-same-sex-relatio-508856714">sums it up</a>: </p> <blockquote><p>Kate is now faced with a Sophie's Choice: Accept Assistant State Attorney Brian Workman's plea deal, which would require her to admit to a felony, spend two years under house arrest, and possibly end up on the sex offender registry for life&#8212;or go to trial. She has until this Friday to decide.</p></blockquote> <p>Kate has offered to plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge. The state isn't budging. If Kate goes to trial and loses she faces, again, <em>15 years in prison</em>. Says Kate's dad:</p> <blockquote><p>My daughter Kaitlyn is a wonderful 18-year-old who is not guilty of anything other than a high school romance... Kaitlyn was a highly respected student at Florida&#8217;s Sebastian River High School with good grades and participation in cheerleading, basketball and chorus. She was even voted &#8220;most school spirit.&#8221; Now she&#8217;s been expelled from school and is facing serious felonies&#8212;all because she is in love. If convicted, she could end up in jail or live under house arrest, will have to register as a sex offender, and live her life as a convicted felon. Our family will do everything we can to stop these people from ruining our daughter&#8217;s promising life. This is unjust and unfair&#8212;and we need your help to stop it.</p></blockquote> <p>Here's how you can help: Kate's parents are asking people to show support for their daughter in the hope that finding himself in the national spotlight will bring Assistant State Attorney Brian Workman to his senses. They've created a "Free Kate" Facebook page: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/FreeKate/">JOIN IT</a>. There's a Change.org petition calling for the charges against Kate to be dropped: <a href="http://www.change.org/petitions/assistant-state-attorney-brian-workman-stop-the-prosecution-of-an-18-year-old-girl-in-a-same-sex-relationship">SIGN IT</a>.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/20/sl-letter-of-the-day-did-you-think-i-was-going-to-tell-you-not-to-come-out#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16826086&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/20/sl-letter-of-the-day-did-you-think-i-was-going-to-tell-you-not-to-come-out?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16826086&id=comments 113 SL Letter of the Day: Did You Think I Was Going To Tell You Not To Come Out? (PLUS: Help Free Kate!) Mon, 20 May 2013 15:59:40 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-gonna-boil-my-laptop-after-answering-this-one http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-gonna-boil-my-laptop-after-answering-this-one Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I'm 33, living in Colorado with my partner of a year now. We're happy together and have great sex. We have the best and most healthy relationship I have ever been in.... except for a fetish my partner has. He's into fucking dogs. Large dogs to where the dog isn't hurt or uncomfortable, but dogs nonetheless. It doesn't come up often. Soon after we started dating he confessed this to me and we talked about it. I am okay with him exploring that area of his sexuality, but I don't want to have any part in it. He wants us to both explore it together. This doesn't appeal to me in the least and wasn't an issue until recently. He's been getting more vocal about wanting us to get into that kink together, taking it as far as video bombing me with dog/man porn from his iPhone. What do I do? I made it plainly clear I don't want any part in this but left him open to explore on his own. I feel he wants me to be as into it as he is but I'm not and I know I never will be. Is there a solution to the problem or is there a deeper issue going on here that needs outside help? </p> <p>Thanks for any advice. </p> <p><em>Fretting Into Dog Obsession</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>So your partner is great and life is sweet and the sex is awesome... but your partner fucks dogs and the fact that you're willing tolerate the dog-fucking aspect of his personality (!!!) isn't good enough for the dog fucker in your life. And while your partner must know that there aren't a lot of non-zoophiles out there who would partner with an active zoophiles&#8212;because most people have pretty strict dudes-that-dick-dogs-will-never-dick-me rule&#8212;instead of being thankful that he found the one-in-a-zillion non-zoophile who can put up with his dog fucking, FIDO, this idiot dog fucker is badgering you with man/dog porn in the hopes that you'll take up recreational dog fucking yourself.</p> <p>Ugh.</p> <p>Run, FIDO, run.</p> <p>DTDFA.</p> <p>And after you've run off and found a new home&#8212;maybe on a nice farm in the country somewhere&#8212;you should spend a week or two thinking about your standards, FIDO. I'm thinking you might wanna add one or two items to your apparently very short (or non-existent) list of deal breakers. The ability to tolerate sexual interests you do not share is a good relationship skill. No argument there. But "doesn't fuck dogs" isn't setting the bar too high.</p> <p>P.S. Before anyone accuses me of hypocrisy: While I'm generally pro-kink, and while I have urged people to <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/07/05/sl-letter-of-the-day-whips-and-chains-and-prudie">give their partner's <em>reasonable</em> kinks a chance</a>, there are limits. And dog fucking&#8212;like shit eating&#8212;exceeds all reasonable limits. Hell, I don't even think dog fucking should be called a "kink." It belongs in its own category.</p> <p><small>Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake. Please, God, let this one be fake.</small></p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-gonna-boil-my-laptop-after-answering-this-one#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16793381&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-gonna-boil-my-laptop-after-answering-this-one?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16793381&id=comments 80 Fri, 17 May 2013 16:32:11 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/16/sl-letter-of-the-day-living-discomfortably http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/16/sl-letter-of-the-day-living-discomfortably Dan Savage <blockquote><p>First time, long time. I'm a gay male in my late 20s. About five months ago my six-year relationship came to an end. Normally it wouldn't have been a problem for me to get a place and live by myself, which is what I wanted, but due to a serious injury I wasn't able to work for three months and exhausted most my funds on medical bills. Point being I was going to need a roomie. </p> <p>I was talking about this with a friend of mine in passing, also gay but in his late 40s. He said I was free to move into the spare room in his apartment and didn't even need to pay first months rent&#8212;bonus! So here I sit and here comes the problem. He keeps hitting on me. Now I find some men in their late 40s attractive&#8212;hell, I've banged a guy or two that age. Problem is he is not one of them. I have problems being direct sometimes. I've tried dropping hints in general conversation, saying things like I'm just not ready for anything with anyone, I don't even want to have sex right now. He tries to cuddle with me on the couch, tells me how hot I am, talks about sexual things around me like his cock size, how he jacked off that morning, etc., and has tried to kiss me on more than one occasion. He also kind of conceited and seems to think I'm madly attracted to him. He is always saying how jealous my ex must be that I'm living with him, and so on.</p> <p>I have started curling up of the far side of the couch, giving an obviously nervous laugh when he starts taking about sexual shit, spending more and more time in my room with the door closed. I feel like it will reach the point soon when he'll try to come into my room and cuddle with me or "accidentally" walk in on me in the shower. Other than that he is cool, we enjoy the same things, have similar personalities which is a big part of why I moved in with him over two other people I could have. How do I bring this up? I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him upset, but I can't deal with this. Like I said I have problems being direct, so how do I bring this up in a way that is comfortable for both of us and cause as little damage as possible? </p> <p><em>Living With Inappropriate Roomie</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>Your ancient roommate isn't just making you uncomfortable, LWIR, he knows he's making you uncomfortable. And you're afraid to be direct with him&#8212;you're afraid to say, "Look, I like you as a friend, but I'm not attracted to you sexually and I want you to knock it off"&#8212;because that might make him feel uncomfortable. He's making you feel bad... but you're not speaking up because you don't want to make him feel bad. You're doing all you can to avoid rejecting him outright because rejection sucks and you don't want to hurt this guy's feelings... even though he's hurting yours.</p> <p>I've got one question for you, LWIR: Are you prepared to fuck this guy&#8212;over and over and over again&#8212;to spare his feelings? To spare him the pain of being rejected? Because that's what's coming if you don't speak the fuck up and risk hurting your roommate's feelings. Trust me, kiddo, he knows you're going out of your way to avoid rejecting him and hurting his feelings&#8212;a pattern has been established&#8212;and he's going to keep at it until you're letting him fuck your ass in order to avoid rejecting him and hurting his feelings. He's playing a long game here and he's wearing you down.</p> <p>Tell him the truth: "I'm not into you, this is not going to happen, and you have to knock this stuff off or I'm moving the fuck out." And if he sulks for longer than a day or two, MOVE THE FUCK OUT.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/16/sl-letter-of-the-day-living-discomfortably#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16787379&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/16/sl-letter-of-the-day-living-discomfortably?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16787379&id=comments 53 Thu, 16 May 2013 17:07:19 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/15/sl-letters-of-the-day-just-say-no-to-dsgs http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/15/sl-letters-of-the-day-just-say-no-to-dsgs Dan Savage <blockquote><p>The reason why bi women, at least, don't like <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16766415">straight girls getting drunk and kissing other girls for men's benefit</a> is that it contributes to the idea that bisexual women don't really exist. </p> <p>There's a reason I personally don't like it, but it isn't the above. Here's my reason: as a queer woman, mostly interested in dating only other women, when I see a woman kissing another woman, I think it's someone who may be interested in dating me. My dating pool is already small, i.e. limited to women who want to have sex with other women. I don't want to waste time pursuing a straight woman who is just trying to get guys off. Even more annoying is when it's <em>me</em> that they're drunkingly getting frisky with. I mean, what better sign do you need for sexual interest than someone kissing you! And yet, it's not at all a good sign!</p> <p>I'm sorry, but straight/bi doods are pretty easy for chicks to get into bed. You don't need to involve <em>my </em>sexuality, straight girls.</p> <p><em>Some Queer Chick</em></p></blockquote> <p>More reader responses about DSGs... after the jump.</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>I read your repsonse to Drunk Straight Girl, the reader who kisses other drunk straight girls to turn on drunk straight boys. I'm a DSB and personally DSG's can go to hell. DSGs make me and my partners cringe. We know they're only in it for the attention and honestly that ruins it for me. I wouldn't date, marry, sleep with, hate fuck or otherwise be involved with a DSG. DSGs are like go-go boys with their short-shorts stuffed with rolled socks.&#8212;<em>Straight Guy Hatin' DSG</em></p></blockquote> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>I absolutely grant you that there are bigger problems out there than DSGs, Dan, but I can tell you why drunk straight girls who kiss other DSGs for the benefit of guys are annoying. 1) It's annoying to spend time kissing a girl and really thinking you're getting somewhere only to find out that the kissing was for the benefit of <em>that</em> guy over there and now you're going to have to find another girl to kiss if you actually want to get laid, and 2) DSGs give men with the impression that the kissing you're doing is for their benefit and that they might actually get to sleep with you, when actually there's no chance in hell of that happening.&#8212;<em>Drunk Lesbian Girl</em></p></blockquote> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/15/sl-letters-of-the-day-just-say-no-to-dsgs#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16772981&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/15/sl-letters-of-the-day-just-say-no-to-dsgs?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16772981&id=comments 73 Wed, 15 May 2013 15:23:58 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/14/sl-letter-of-the-day-tk-nnblkknjk-tk http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/14/sl-letter-of-the-day-tk-nnblkknjk-tk Dan Savage <blockquote><p>My friend is one of those men trapped in a sexless marriage, in part because 14 years ago he chose to marry his plain highschool sweetheart&#8212;the hometown girl, the safe and expected choice&#8212;instead of marrying the erotic and trusted friend (me) who would've kept his life interesting. After rekindling our friendship for the past year and ironing out some old hurt feelings, I offered to be his discreet private whore. In return I want to see three pictures first: his wife's clothed body neck down, the bras and panties in her dresser, and the vibrator he bought for her. I never met her and I never will. He is uncomfortable with my request, saying he doesn't want to bring his wife into it. His refusal is a "deal breaker" for me. He fantasizes about hot sex and my fantasy is to see what he's actually getting at home. By him not showing her face or nakedness I feel that I'm respecting her privacy. Do you think I am asking for too much? </p> <p><em>Erotic Friend's Fotos I Need Getting Mutual Pleasure</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>It's been a long day and I'm <em>rillyrillyrilly</em> beat and I'm probably going to be a total bitch, EFFINGMP, so... continue to read at your own peril, I guess.</p> <p>You sound insane and this guy would be a fool to fuck you.</p> <p>I'm not saying you are insane, EFFINGMP, only that you sound insane. And this demand you're making&#8212;this deal breaker of yours&#8212;is what's making you sound like a crazy person. Somehow it's not enough for this guy to violate his marriage vows and violate his wife by fucking you. Those standard-issue violations apparently won't do. No, no. You want this guy to violate his wife's privacy and, if the affair is ever found out, her ability to believe that her husband ever truly loved her.</p> <p>And this guy has to be thinking to himself, "If she's crazy enough to demand those photos, she's crazy enough to send them to my wife if the affair ends badly." If he isn't thinking that, well, then he's a fool who'll probably fuck you.</p> <p>Look, EFFINGMP, I'm down with kinks and in some circumstances I'm down with cheating and I'm on the record saying that people in sexless marriages may have grounds to cheat. But I'm against unnecessary and gratuitous cruelty&#8212;even in cases of sexless marriages&#8212;and that's what you're essentially demanding from this guy. Unnecessary and gratuitous cruelty.</p> <p>So, yeah, I do think you're asking too much, EFFINGMP&#8212;and it's the kind of indiscreet ask that disqualifies a person for the position of "discreet private whore." Or it should anyway.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/14/sl-letter-of-the-day-tk-nnblkknjk-tk#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16765263&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/14/sl-letter-of-the-day-tk-nnblkknjk-tk?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16765263&id=comments 153 Tue, 14 May 2013 17:27:38 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/13/sl-letter-of-the-day-mind-control http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/13/sl-letter-of-the-day-mind-control Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=228114">May 24, 2007</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I'm an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. During my adolescent explorations of the internet, I found a site with stories about "mind control," usually involving the seduction of straight men. I was hooked. I'm not beating myself up for being a "bad person," because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially, I'm rather uncomfortable with my "addiction" to this fantasy.</p> <p>Apart from the fact that this suggests I may have some serious sexual-control issues, I was wondering if you had any ideas for weaning yourself from a fantasy. This is not something I'm interested in "accepting." My attempts at incorporating alternate fantasies into my repertoire have failed.</p> <p><em>Stop Thinking About That</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>Sexual-control issues? Sure, STAT, you've got some of those. But serious sexual-control issues? Hardly.</p> <p>A desire to sexually control others, or be sexually controlled by others, is at the root of almost all sexual fantasies and fetishes, from foot fetishes to goop fetishes to BDSM. So there's no need to feel like a freak, okay? And you're clearly not a bad person, as you recognized on your own that your particular sexual-control fantasy is immoral (sex without consent is rape) and impossible (hypnosis doesn't work that way). So cut yourself some slack.</p> <p>Reading your letter, some folks will blame the internet for your predicament. There you were, minding your own business, beating off in front of your computer, when a hypno-fetish site seized your screen and took over your sex life. That's not how it works. Running across that hypno porn didn't instill in you a desire to sexually control others, STAT; it tapped into a desire for sexual control that was already there. A desire to sexually control others was already part of your erotic imagination; that hypno site just lit your fuse.</p> <p>The only way to wean yourself from your hypno fetish now, STAT, is to accept your bedrock fantasy, which is sexual control, and explore other ways of indulging it. I suspect the "alternate fantasies" you attempted to incorporate into your sex life didn't include aspects of sexual control, which would explain why your efforts failed. You won't move your fantasies away from hypno until you find something that satisfies those bedrock desires for sexual control. So find yourself a guy who wants to be controlled, which isn't that hard to do, and explore dom/sub role-play or bondage or S&M with him, and your hypno fetish may fade away.</p> <p>Finally, STAT, there are lots of guys out there who fantasize about being hypnotized and seduced&#8212;it's too bad you've ruled them out as sex partners.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/13/sl-letter-of-the-day-mind-control#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16756185&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/13/sl-letter-of-the-day-mind-control?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16756185&id=comments 36 Mon, 13 May 2013 16:01:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/10/sl-letter-of-the-day-im-out http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/10/sl-letter-of-the-day-im-out Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I'm a late twenty something male. I was out at a house party last night celebrating the end of the semester with fellow grad student friends when I was scolded by a peer for using the word "cunt." I had exclaimed the word when a fellow partygoer struck the top of my friend's beer bottle with hers so that my friend's beer would overflow. The actual prankster didn't even seem to hear me, and continued past us without comment, but a lady classmate of mine who overheard my offhand exclamation made it clear she was horrified.</p> <p>I was apologetic in the moment but am not sure I should have been. My intent was to contrast using a nuclear-level insult with the relatively benign crime of causing my buddy's beer to overflow. (And aren't jokes just SO FUNNY when they're explained?) I would have tried to argue, if I had my wits about me, that the c-word occupies two rolesin our culture that are related, but also still distinct: 1) the word is acknowledged as the "worst" thing you can call someone, making it the insult that is therefore best suited for use in hyperbole; and 2) it is a word infused with gender negativity, the insult of last resort to be used against a woman when one wants to communicate utter disrespect for her. I think increasingly the word is used in a type (1) way that does not lean heavily on negativity towards women and instead is the kind of ultimate taboo word that can nevertheless be used among friends for hyperbole value. My scolder seemed to subscribe to the inseparability of (1) and (2), or maybe to the non-existence of (1).</p> <p>Where are you on the use of "cunt" casually and among friends?</p> <p><em>Patriarchy Reinforced In A Painful Interaction Sorrowfully Mortifying</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response&#8212;and it's not much of one&#8212;after the jump.</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>Where am <em>I</em> on the use of cunt?</p> <p>Um... you know what, PRIAPISM? I could go on&#8212;I could craft a proper response&#8212;but it's a lovely day here in Seattle and I want to get out of the office. So I'm gonna toss your question to the commenters on Slog and let them have a crack at it. (If you're reading the SLLOTD on the app, <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/10/sl-letter-of-the-day-im-out">click here</a> to read or leave comments for PRIAPISM.)</p> <p>What do you think of PRIAPISM's use of the word "cunt," gang? Not much, I suspect. And "lady classmate"? Any thoughts about that?</p> <p>Have a nice weekend everybody.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/10/sl-letter-of-the-day-im-out#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16732978&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/10/sl-letter-of-the-day-im-out?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16732978&id=comments 236 Fri, 10 May 2013 16:38:47 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/09/sl-letter-of-the-day-walk-the-talk http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/09/sl-letter-of-the-day-walk-the-talk Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I LOVE YOUR COLUMN!<br /> <br />Ok, so I have been in a relationship with an AMAZING guy for the last eight years. We have great sexual chemistry and are truly best friends. So, my man has this fantasy about seeing me fuck his friends. It comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. He loves for me to act as though I'm fucking his friends, he begs me to call out their names during sex, he wants to me to tell him what I would do to them, etc. I love to please him in any way I can, and to be honest I get really into it and I find it super hot. But to a certain extent I wonder if this could be healthy? Or if this is something that he might really want to explore? We never talk about it outside the bedroom. It also makes me feel awkward when we hang out with his friends because I can't help thinking about how many times I've come while shouting out their names. Weird, huh? A while back I developed a crush on one of these guys and even though I'm totally over it now, I don't want this to be something that could potentially be harmful to our relationship.</p> <p>I'm not sure how to broach the subject with my boyfriend. So I guess my question how can I open up this topic without giving him the idea that I actually would let one of his friends bone me? If this was something that he REALLY wanted to do, I'd be willing, but I don't know that the positives would outweigh the negative. How do I ask him if he thinks about actually doing it, or if it's just all for the sex?</p> <p><em>Please Help Me</em><br /> <br />P.S. Hope you can find the time to answer my questions. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!</p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>You've been at this for eight years&#8212;you've been using the same dirtytalk script for eight years&#8212;and you've never had a fully-clothed, penetration-free conversation about it?</p> <p>You gotta fix that, PHM.</p> <p>Now some people will dirtytalk about shit they wanna experience IRL*, ATKS**, and some people will dirtytalk about shit they never wanna experience IRL. But the only person who knows if your boyfriend wants to do this shit IRL is your boyfriend... and he's not telling and you're so worried that he'll think you actually wanna fuck his friends that you're not asking. And you don't <em>wanna</em> fuck his friends... but you <em>would</em> fuck his friends... but only if he <em>wanted</em> you to fuck his friends. (There's the small matter of whether his friends wanna fuck you, of course, but we don't have to resolve that issue now.)</p> <p>My thoughts? It's possible that your boyfriend wants to realize these fantasies IRL, PHM, but is so paralyzed by shame that he can't bring himself to talk about his fantasies when you're not fucking. His own shame may also have led him to misread the fact that you've never raised the subject either. He may be thinking, "She must know that I'd love to actually do this stuff&#8212;we talk about it <em>every single time</em> we have sex! But she never brings it up when we're not having sex, so... she must not be into it. Not really. She just playing along to get me off."</p> <p>Or...</p> <p>It's possible that your boyfriend doesn't want to realize these fantasies. You've spent eight years demonstrating to him that you're down with his kinks&#8212;hell, his kinks are your kinks at this point. So it stands to reason that your boyfriend would've asked you to fuck his friends by now <em>if</em> he wanted you to fuck his friends. It's possible that your boyfriend is perfectly content with things as they stand&#8212;a girlfriend who pretends to cheat on him may be everything he's ever wanted&#8212;and he might react with alarm if that same girlfriend broached the subject of actually cheating on him.</p> <p>So what do you do?</p> <p>You grab a drink with your boyfriend and ask him to talk with you about his kinks. Ask him to talk with you about <em>your</em> kinks. Don't say, "Hey, do you really want me to fuck your friends? Because I would&#8212;I <em>totally</em> would&#8212;if that's what you wanted!" Instead tell him you want to talk about your fantasies in a general, open-ended way because, hey, healthy couples can talk about their sex lives, right? Start by telling him what turns you on about these fantasies, PHM, then ask him what turns him on about them. Ask him if he's always been turned on by these fantasies. Ask him if he's explored them with previous girlfriends. Hopefully he'll open up and you'll get some clarity about the IRL issue.</p> <p>But if he can't bring himself to talk about this stuff when you two aren't fucking, PHM, that means you're never gonna fuck his friends IRL. Not because he doesn't want you to&#8212;he may very well want you to&#8212;but because realizing these sorts of fantasies requires open, honest, and constant communication.</p> <p><small>* "in real life"<br />** "as the kids say"</small></p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/09/sl-letter-of-the-day-walk-the-talk#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16722727&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/09/sl-letter-of-the-day-walk-the-talk?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16722727&id=comments 48 Thu, 09 May 2013 17:06:18 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/08/sl-letter-of-the-day-bonus-advice-for-too-soon-to-quit http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/08/sl-letter-of-the-day-bonus-advice-for-too-soon-to-quit Dan Savage <blockquote><p>If <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16701721">Too Soon To Quit</a> moves out, but does not file for divorce, she must watch her money.</p> <p>As an attorney with some limited experience in divorce law, I so saw many people cause each other so much pain because they did not consider marriage to be a business partnership as well as an emotional and sexual partnership.</p> <p>Too Soon To Quit's husband could run up a lot of debt without her support. If he does, she could be forced to either repay those debts or pay an attorney to separate her debts from his. It was always messy, expensive work to separate debts that an ex spouse ran up after the couple separated, but before they divorced.</p> <p>The lease poses a more immediate problem. I defend evictions for a living now. Both Too Soon To Quit and her husband are probably named in the lease. Even if she leaves, no landlord with even a single brain cell would release her from her obligation to pay rent if her husband is unemployed. If he is evicted, the wife's name will appear in the specialized credit reports that landlords check. I hope she can limit the damage.</p> <p>Yours truly,</p> <p><em>Ben Ramm</em></p></blockquote> <p>Thanks for the legal perspective, Ben. More bonus advice for TSTQ from "Savage Love" readers&#8212;perhaps better advice for TSTQ&#8212;after the jump.</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>You generally give great advice. BUT. I believe you may have missed an important aspect of the situation when you responded to TSTQ's letter. TSTQ's husband may be suffering from severe depression. Guys are supposed to be the bread-winner in our culture, and it sounds like TSTQ's man has had some kind of crisis of faith in himself. The timing of his injury and loss of work may mean he is a lazy scamming dirtbag fuck who should be dumped on the street. Or it may mean that this young man buckled under the pressure of the first real adult-world test of his (culturally defined) man-hood. The boy may be suffering from depression or bi-polar disorder&#8212;all that passion and drive may have been part of his manic phase.</p> <p>What should TSTQ do? Get the boy to a doctor and find out what is going on! If he is depressed or bipolar, she needs to do a few things: She needs to learn about these disorders and what it means for her and her relationship. There are good drugs that can help many people with moderate to severe illness. Dialing in a medication plan that works can take a long time. She needs to decide what she is willing to put up with in her relationship. She needs to have clear boundaries. Part of having clear boundaries is deciding when it is time to DTMFA; is there a time limit or some other threshold on the bullshit meter that she can rely on to tell herself it is time to go. Most of all, TSTQ needs to remember that the momentum of the relationship is strong. She may find herself finding excuses to stick around even when she would have been better off leaving. Know your boundaries and stand by them. No excuses.</p> <p>This relationship is hanging by a thread, but properly identifying mental illness (if it is present) in one of its members may be enough to save it. Barring that, it may at least save a life.&#8212;<em>M.S.</em></p></blockquote> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>I also have been reading your column in <em>The Stranger</em> since I was in my teens&#8212;twenty years ago! I generally think you give good advice... except when it comes to married people. It so often seems like you are telling married people to walk! This girl&#8212;TSTQ&#8212;says she has only been married five months! A broken foot takes months to heal, this guy probably isn't as lazy as she is making him out to be. In fact she might be nagging the shit out of him! And why is she trying to humiliate him on the Internet? You should've have asked her that.&#8212;<em>T.K.</em></p></blockquote> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>While I roll my eyes at TSTQ's rush to marriage and wonder how much of her situation could have been foreseen, I think your advice was missing one key element, if we take her letter at face value.</p> <p>It sounds like TSTQ's husband is suffering through severe depression. Loss of a job (voluntary or otherwise) without a clear path forward can often lead to a self-reinforcing cycle of ever-deepening depression. TSTQ's husband may need talk therapy, and probably at least a temporary course of antidepressants, to get out of this rut and become the hardworking, happy guy she married. If she really does feel it's "too soon to quit," she ought to try her damnedest to get him this care.</p> <p>Of course, given that this is the U.S. of A, and given that even those of us with insurance often find psychiatric care isn't covered, he still may not be able to get the care he needs.&#8212;<em>Didn't Choose To Be Depressed</em></p></blockquote> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>I just read the letter by To Soon To Quit and your response to it and I wanted to let you know that for a while now I've had the exact same pattern of behaviour as TSTQ's husband. Basically unemployed, not looking for a new job, not cleaning, playing video games all day, and watching quite a bit of porn. I knew that this behaviour was bad, but still couldn't get myself to behave any differently. I'm single and don't have any sex partners but I think that if I had, I would be in the exact same situation as the husband.</p> <p>In your response you basically make him out to be the biggest asshole ever. But maybe there's a bit more going on there. Maybe he doesn't want "out"of the relationship, Dan, but can't manage to be "in" it right now either. Of course this situation is shitty for TSTQ and she should take care of herself first, but I think it might be even worse for the husband. It could also be a good idea to get him get some professional help for his own problems, before going to marriage counseling. I reckon that trying to fix the marriage when one of the people in it is broken won't work.</p> <p>As for me, I'm doing slightly better, in the sense that I'm looking for a job now. Otherwise it's still pretty bad. Anyway could you pass this on to TSTQ and her husband. Maybe it might help.&#8212;<em>P.</em></p></blockquote> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/08/sl-letter-of-the-day-bonus-advice-for-too-soon-to-quit#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16709627&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/08/sl-letter-of-the-day-bonus-advice-for-too-soon-to-quit?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16709627&id=comments 41 Wed, 08 May 2013 15:22:35 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/07/sl-letter-of-the-day http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/07/sl-letter-of-the-day Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I'm a hetero woman who watches gay porn sometimes. I find it exciting and perfectly OK. Matter of fact, if my boyfriend stumbled on to my (digital) stash, his likely response would be rolling his eyes and saying, "This again?" The thing that I don't understand is why guys who look at gay porn in secret are automatically assumed to be closeted gays. Are hetero men allergic to gay porn? What is going on?</p> <p><em>I'm Terrible At Acronyms So I'm Just Going To Say Kate</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>Seriously? You can't see the difference between a straight woman watching gay porn and straight man watching gay porn?</p> <p>Allow me to unpack this fudge for you: you're a straight woman and you're attracted to hot guys. When you watch gay porn, ITAASIJGTSK, you're watching two (or more) hot guys doing things to each other that you would enjoy doing for hot guys or enjoy having done to you by hot guys. You're watching hot guys kiss and suck dick and fuck each other&#8212;and, hey, you like to suck the dicks of hot guys and get fucked by hot guys and kiss hot guys. So gay porn works for you. It works <em>on</em> you&#8212;it works on you the same way lesbian porn works on straight guys.</p> <p>But what's in gay porn for a 100% straight guy? There isn't anyone in gay porn he finds attractive&#8212;there are no women in gay porn (although sometimes <a href="http://buckangel.com/index.html">there's pussy</a>)&#8212;and a straight guy isn't gonna see anything in gay porn that he wishes he was doing or that he wishes was being done to him. A straight guy doesn't want to suck the dicks of hot guys or have his dick sucked by hot guys, a straight guy doesn't want to fuck the asses of hot guys or have his ass fucked by hot guys, a straight guy doesn't want to kiss hot guys. So gay porn doesn't work for straight guys.</p> <p>So, ITAASIJGTSK, a straight-identified guy who watches gay porn isn't 100% straight. A straight-identified guy with a girlfriend who loves to eat pussy and secretly watches a little gay porn? That guy is bisexual and closeted. A straight-identified guy without a girlfriend&#8212;or one with a girlfriend whose pussy he refuses to eat&#8212;who secretly watches a little gay porn? That guy is gay and closeted.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/07/sl-letter-of-the-day#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16699124&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/07/sl-letter-of-the-day?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16699124&id=comments 82 Tue, 07 May 2013 16:17:48 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/06/sl-letter-of-the-day-hot-air http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/06/sl-letter-of-the-day-hot-air Dan Savage <blockquote><p>Realizing you are gay and male, so perhaps you've had a situation that comes close enough to this one to give me some advice...</p> <p>What is a girl to do when she is switching positions from doggie to missionary and she lets out not one, no, not one but multiple queefs? I mean, what is a girl to do, other than the obvious which is die of embarrassment? Initially I laughed it off, but when those damn quifs kept coming, I wanted the ground to open up real wide and swallow me whole. Needless to say, my partner's erection came to an end PDQ and that was that.</p> <p>I am fortunate that said partner (we've been together 20 months, living together 15 months) is kind and laid back (thankfully) and so he cuddled me for a good hour after that. It took me about half an hour before I could look him in the eye again. When I muttered "sorry" into his chest he said, "No, I'm sorry," so he tried to make it as easy for me as possible. We have a great, great, great relationship. Everything works so well, the relationship actually gets better and grows the longer we are together... but I still didn't know what to say to him after this. I wanted to say "I didn't fart!" or "That was a queef!" but I couldn't manage the words. Besides, would such explanations make any difference anyway? And from the limited reading I've done on this mortifying subject I understand that this isn't uncommon when switching from doggie to another position.</p> <p>Sadly I now want to avoid doggie for the foreseeable future, although I LOVE&#8212;no let me correct myself, I LOVED that position. I'm afraid I won't want to get on all fours ever again. Help!</p> <p><em>Quite Unnerving Experience Elicits Fears</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>How long have you been sexually active, QUEEF? How about your boyfriend?</p> <p>Because human bodies sometimes make noises&#8212;gay bodies, straight bodies, bi bodies. (Asexual bodies make noises too... but no one is there to hear them.) And our bodies sometimes make odd noises at inopportune moments. Like during sex. And when that happens, QUEEF, it's the noisemaker's job to say, "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry!," identify the source (if there's any confusion about the source), and then <em>laugh it the fuck off</em>. (Note: a sheepish, polite, and slightly mortified laugh is called for, not an isn't-that-fucking-hilarious guffaw.) And it's the noisehearer's responsibility to say, "Oh, hey, no big deal&#8212;it happens." Then after a break&#8212;a short cuddle break to recover from a little toot, a long break for ice cream if eardrums were shattered&#8212;you go right back to doing whatever it was you were doing.</p> <p>And about those queefs...</p> <p>You're not solely responsible for that epic release of "vaginal flatulence," which is its proper name. (If you should find yourself discussing pussy farts with a member of the Royal Family, QUEEF, remember to call it "vaginal flatulence." Protocol!) Fun fact: vaginas aren't naturally flatulent. There's no gas in there that needs releasing. (The occasional human, yes. Gas, no.) So the air that was in your vagina? The air that absolutely, positively had to get out? Where did it come from? <em>Your boyfriend pumped it into you</em>. He was fucking you, QUEEF, and he was enjoying it. (You too, I hope.) And when you shifted positions&#8212;for his pleasure (yours too, I hope)&#8212;your vag flatted. It's not a big deal. It just one of those things that sometimes happens when boys and girls have vaginal intercourse. If you want to avoid queefing in the future, and if your boyfriend never wants to hear your vagina make a noise like that ever again, then you'll have to live together as siblings (non-incestuous siblings) for the rest of your lives. No more PIV sex. Ever. No more doggie, no more missionary, no more reverse cowgirl, no more wheelbarrow, no more "Michelle Malkin," no more nothin'.</p> <p>I can't imagine you would want that. I can't imagine your boyfriend would want that. So here's what you say next time it happens&#8212;and yes, QUEEF, there will be a next time: "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry! And for the record, honey, that was a queef, not a fart. You really pumped some air into me! But kind of a mood killer, huh? Ha ha! Let's take a break. How about some ice cream?"</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/06/sl-letter-of-the-day-hot-air#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16688087&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/06/sl-letter-of-the-day-hot-air?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16688087&id=comments 58 Mon, 06 May 2013 15:54:32 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/03/sl-letter-of-the-day-bad-news http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/03/sl-letter-of-the-day-bad-news Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I'm a straight married woman, recently separated from my husband while we work through some serious issues in our 10-year marriage. One of the big issues, for me, is that he's always been barely so-so in bed. For the last three years, I can count how many times we've had sex on one hand&#8212;and it's been really, really bad sex for me.</p> <p>Now, I really love this man, and it's been worth it for me to try to work on our other communication issues. But in the back of my head I can't get over the potential horror of spending the rest of my life with a guy who has a fairly-low libido, is less-than-lackluster in the sack, and who&#8212;ohmygod&#8212;I actually TOLD was bad in bed during a heated fight.</p> <p>I am a healthy, attractive, pleasant and well-groomed woman, and never had this problem with any past partners. I've always been told I'm desirable. My husband has no physical problems (I've had him get regular checkups), and he is definitely straight. He occasionally looks at porn but he only seems to be tangentially interested in sex even when we're not having problems. Oral sex is especially poor, and the lack of interest/desire makes me reluctant to ask him to play with toys with me. I am not interested in sex that feels like a chore. How do I get past this? Can I get past this? Or is our marriage doomed by the disparities in our respective sex drives?</p> <p>My heart is breaking, and I'm begging for any advice you can give me.</p> <p><em>Needs It Bad</em></p></blockquote> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>Forgive me for this, NIB, but I get a lot of letters like yours&#8212;tons of them&#8212;and I'm going to be blunt, okay?</p> <p>I don't have any magic beans. I can't create a sexual connection where none exists. I can't magically crank up your husband's libido. I don't have the power to endow your husband with sex skills.</p> <p>It's clear that&#8212;at least where sex is concerned&#8212;you and your husband are not a match. You are not sexually compatible. There are women out there who want a lot less sex than you do (I get letters from their frustrated husbands every day), and there are women out there who aren't into oral or toys (ditto), and one of these sexually-non-adventurous, not-very-sexually-demanding women might've been fine with your husband's lovemaking "steez," ATKS*. But your husband isn't married to one of those women. He's married to you and sexual incompatibility is making you miserable. If you had it to do over again&#8212;if you knew then what you know now&#8212;you wouldn't have married your husband. But you did marry him. And you don't want to hurt him. And you love him and he loves you. But even if you manage to solve your other marital problems, NIB, you won't be able to solve this one. Because sexual incompatibility is not a problem that can be solved. It can only be lived with or worked around.</p> <p><strong>Living with it</strong> = you suck it up, you stay married and you stay faithful, and you live with the misery.</p> <p><strong>Working around it</strong> = you either have an honest open relationship (you two remain emotionally and socially monogamous, but you can have sex with other people) or you have a dishonest open relationship (you tell him what he wants to hear while getting your sexual needs met elsewhere discretely).</p> <p>I think you should try for the second option&#8212;honestly working around it&#8212;because what have you got to lose? It's clear from your letter that you are not going to stay in this marriage if doing so means decades of sexual frustration. "I want an open relationship" is a hallelujah pass, NIB, but I see no reason why you shouldn't throw it. Again: what have you got to lose?</p> <p>But if it turns out that neither option works for you as a couple&#8212;because the first option sucks for you, the second option sucks for him&#8212;then you'll have to end this marriage.</p> <p>I'm sorry, NIB, but that's all I got.</p> <p><small>* "As the kids say."</small></p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/03/sl-letter-of-the-day-bad-news#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16666345&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/03/sl-letter-of-the-day-bad-news?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16666345&id=comments 90 Fri, 03 May 2013 16:38:55 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/sl-letter-of-the-day-mr-wonderful http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/sl-letter-of-the-day-mr-wonderful Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I am straight female in my early 20s. I have been dating a man twice my age for a little over a year. We are madly in love, and when our relationship is good, it is great.</p> <p>Unfortunately, we fight often. He is an alcoholic, and while he is sweet to me when he hasn't had relatively much to drink, he becomes agitated, irrational, sarcastic, and mean when he has had a lot to drink. (He is never physically violent with me.) I have an anxiety disorder and am an especially sensitive person, and his behavior when he is drunk is extremely distressing to me. Additionally, I struggle with avoiding my problems, and when he is being mean to me or when I know that he's had a lot to drink, my tendency is to want to stay away from him and spend my time alone at my place. However, this makes him depressed, which only makes him drink more.</p> <p>Additionally, if there is such a thing as sex addiction, he likely has that, too. When he's not drinking (and also when he is), he wants to be having sex or masturbating and watching porn. He masturbates several times a day. I wish he could satisfy the bulk of his sexual appetite that way, but his preference is to have sex with me, and he becomes depressed (and drinks more) when he is not having "enough" sex with me.</p> <p>I am a "newbie" to sex and have been having it for less than a year. I had a previous relationship that was never consummated because I had/have a condition called vaginismus, which causes an involuntary vaginal spasm at penetration attempts. Because of my vaginismus, my early attempts at intercourse were excruciating, fruitless, and discouraging. With Kegel exercises, lots of lube, a vibrator for my clit, and much effort, I am finally able to have sex, but it is still not always easy. Sex is pleasurable for me when I am really excited, have had lots of foreplay, and preferably have already come once, because this helps me relax my vagina and gets me wet inside (it is hard to lube up the inside of my vagina fully). Sex when I am not excited, however, is rarely good, and is more often uncomfortable or painful. My boyfriend understands this and sometimes tries to get me to come before trying to have sex with me, but that takes a while, and he is impatient (especially about sex and especially when he is drunk). He has complained that he wants to be able to have "spontaneous" sex with me.</p> <p>I want to be able to fulfill his sexual needs. Right now I feel inadequate. Our relationship is so much better when we're having lots of sex&#8212;he drinks less, he's in a great mood, and I want to spend time with him. It is hard to keep this up for long, though, as he becomes discouraged if we're not having lots of sex or if we are having "bad" sex (i.e., sex that I am not into because it is uncomfortable or painful). When that happens, the cycle starts again: he drinks more, he is mean, I start avoiding him, etc. I think I have a good sex drive, and I am very physically attracted to my boyfriend, but the idea of having painful sex (and the idea of having sex with an agitated man who nags me all the time for it), is a complete turn-off.</p> <p>I am sick of having to choose between a mean boyfriend and obligatory, uncomfortable sex. I want to have an awesome sex life with my boyfriend. I am hoping that you or one of your doctor friends will have some advice for me about how to recover completely from my vaginismus, to have sex with more ease, and to be enthusiastic again about the idea of having intercourse. Thank you so much!</p> <p><em>Very Anxious Girlfriend</em><br /> <br />P.S. You might be thinking something along the lines of "DTMFA." I hope that won't be your advice for me, because I am not yet willing to dump him. The description of him above sounds awful, but he is in all other respects the perfect boyfriend: sweet, sensitive, kind, loving, intelligent, sexy, and affectionate. It is only when he is drinking that he becomes mean. He is not a horrible person; he just has a mental illness (alcoholism), and he has been trying so hard to get better, but it is difficult for him. As someone with a mental illness myself (social anxiety disorder), I can appreciate that people with mental illnesses aren't defined by them, that they often aren't "crazy," and that it is very difficult to overcome them. My boyfriend is fundamentally a wonderful person, and his meanness when he is drunk is not a reflection of his true nature. Please help me figure out how to fix our sex life so I can save my relationship with my him. I am convinced that if we have a great sex life, he will drink significantly less, we will both be happier, we won't fight nearly as much, and our relationships problems will for the most part resolve. The patches of progress we've had in the past regarding our sex life have had a positive effect.</p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>DTMFA&#8212;sorry, VAG. I know that's not what you wanted but it's all I've got.</p> <p>Because however sweet, sensitive, kind, loving, intelligent, sexy, and affectionate your boyfriend is when soberish, VAG, he's a selfish, inconsiderate, demanding, childish asshole when he's drunk&#8212;<em>and</em> he's drunk a lot <em>and</em> he's mean when he's drunk <em>and</em> he's somehow managed to convince you that it's your fault when he gets drunk. Because, hey, if you were fucking <em>just right</em> then he wouldn't get a sadz, if he didn't have a sadz he wouldn't get so drunk, if he didn't get so drunk he wouldn't be so mean.</p> <p>How long are you going to let you your boyfriend manipulate you into taking responsibility for both his alcoholism and his asshole-ism, VAG?</p> <p>And, I'm sorry, but if getting drunk and being mean is all your boyfriend has to do to get his own way, VAG, he has no incentive to get and stay sober. None. Even if you conquered your vaginismus&#8212;and you're already doing a lot better than many vaginismus sufferers&#8212;your boyfriend will continue to drink so long as you're willing to take the blame. He'll find some other excuse, VAG, something else you're doing wrong that gives him a big sadz. He'll continue to drink and he'll continue to blame you for as long as you're fool enough to stay with him and not a moment longer.</p> <p>Your boyfriend may not be able to control his drinking, VAG, but you don't have to let him control you with his drinking.</p> <p>DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.<br />DTMFA.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/sl-letter-of-the-day-mr-wonderful#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16657227&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/sl-letter-of-the-day-mr-wonderful?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16657227&id=comments 125 Thu, 02 May 2013 15:51:35 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/cutting-remarks http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/cutting-remarks Dan Savage <p><div style="text-align:center;"><iframe width="500" height="281" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_OHUaU_YaIw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></p> <p>A "Savage Love" reader with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phimosis">phimosis</a> recently wrote and <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16511673">asked for advice</a>. Dr. King, my guest expert, suggested circumcision as one possible fix. Toby Butterfield also suffered from phimosis and wound up getting circumcised. Butterfield told the story of his circumcision&#8212;and his first post-phimosis orgasm&#8212;at a recent installment of Portland's <a href="http://mysteryboxshow.com/">Mystery Box Show</a>, a performance series dedicated to stories about sex.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/cutting-remarks#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16643570&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Arts Sex Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/05/02/cutting-remarks?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16643570&id=comments 34 Thu, 02 May 2013 09:03:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/30/sl-letter-of-the-day-kids-today http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/30/sl-letter-of-the-day-kids-today Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=20816">March 17, 2005</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I'm 19 and closeted. I've been chatting with a guy on the Internet for six months and now he wants to meet. I'm convinced that he's too good for me. Aside from looks, he's out and older and I don't know why he'd want to be with someone like me. My other online friends&#8212;they're the only people I'm out to&#8212;think we should meet. I'm effing scared. I'm not going to ask you to compare our pics, but is there a concrete checklist to verify if someone is out of your league?</p> <p><em>Insecure In Internetland</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>The good news: If you meet this boy and he's into you, III, then you're in his league. That's because each and every one of us gets to decide who plays in our own personal league. If he invites you to play, you're in.</p> <p>Now the bad news: There's lots of scum floating around on the Internet&#8212;this applies to you too, DAD&#8212;and you have to be careful. While this may simply be a case of your own insecurities preventing you from recognizing whatever it is about you that this other guy finds attractive, something more sinister could be going on. You say you don't know why someone better looking, older, and more experienced would want to meet you. Unfortunately in some cases it's because younger, closeted, and insecure guys are easier to manipulate. So this guy is either honestly into you or he's an asshole looking to take advantage of your youth and inexperience. If you decide to meet him, III, meet in a public place, tell someone where you're going, and watch out for red flags. Does he pressure you? Does he try to get you to do things, sexual or otherwise, that make you uncomfortable? If so, run like effing hell.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/30/sl-letter-of-the-day-kids-today#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16638646&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/30/sl-letter-of-the-day-kids-today?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16638646&id=comments 13 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 18:13:30 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/29/sl-letter-of-the-day-they-make-vibrating-hairbrushes http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/29/sl-letter-of-the-day-they-make-vibrating-hairbrushes Dan Savage <blockquote><p>Every once in a while you answer a letter from <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14722831">the aunt or the parent of a teenage girl</a> who want to provide their daughter with sex toys but don't know how to do it without embarrassment on both sides overwhelming good intentions. Well I was watching some porn the other day and I saw the answer: the video was of a woman masturbating with a <em>vibrating hair brush</em>. Curious, I did a quick search and found that such a brush is readily available for sale. They advertise how good the vibration is for the scalp&#8212;maybe it is (who knows or cares)&#8212;but I think these hair brushes are purchased for stimulating the scalp about as often as those heavy-duty vibrators are purchased for sore neck muscles. My point is this: parents can pretend they think their sweet daughter is going to use it on her head, and she can pretend she's using it on her head. Everyone involved will be spared embarrassment and young ladies out there will get some needed and safe relief. </p> <p>Luckily teenage boys don't never a similar problem&#8212;nobody questions us about we go through a full bottle of "hand lotion" every two weeks.</p> <p><em>Porn Is Good</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>I doubted you, PIG, but look what popped right up when I Googled <a href="http://www.mansionathletics.com/vibrating-hair-brush-w37608-tactile-vibration.html?channelid=GoogleAdwords&gclid=CNWftY368LYCFSU6QgodPCUA4Q">"vibrating hairbrush"</a>:</p> <p><div class="blogImageCenter" style="width:512px;"><img src="http://www.thestranger.com/binary/928b/1367276306-vibhairbrush2.jpg" alt="vibhairbrush2.jpg" title="" width="500" height="278" /></div></p> <p>So, hey, what do you know: vibrating hairbrushes exist and they could be the face-saving answer for embarrassed parents and their mortified daughters. But with bristles on one side and rows of <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=spider+eyes&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=Yvp-Uc7lD-nGiwKeuIHICw&ved=0CDAQsAQ&biw=1243&bih=720">glossy black spider eyes</a> on the other, PIG, I'm not sure that this particular hairbrush&#8212;vibrating or not&#8212;is gonna be popular among teenage girls. I'm also not sure about the ad copy:</p> <blockquote><p>Use to massage the body and scalp. Specially designed contoured bumps and two levels of vibration deliver soothing tactile and somatosensory stimulation. <strong>Recommended for ages 1 and up.</strong> Requires 2 "AA" batteries (not included). Do not immerse in water.</p></blockquote> <p>Ages 1 and up? Really, Mansion Athletics? You recommend your vibrating, spider-eyed hairbrush for use by <em>infants</em>? That's almost as creepy as the creepiest sex toy of all time: the <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/05/20/the-pocket-altar-boy&view=comments">Pocket Altar Boy</a>.</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;"><iframe width="500" height="375" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XuWaSocaSXs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/29/sl-letter-of-the-day-they-make-vibrating-hairbrushes#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16627139&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/29/sl-letter-of-the-day-they-make-vibrating-hairbrushes?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16627139&id=comments 29 SL Letter of the Day: They Make Vibrating Hairbrushes? Mon, 29 Apr 2013 16:07:33 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/28/sl-letter-of-the-day-mixed-signals http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/28/sl-letter-of-the-day-mixed-signals Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=20869">March 24, 2005</a>: </small></p> <blockquote><p>I am a 34-year-old woman. I recently became reacquainted with a boyfriend from college. He lives in Alaska and I live on the East Coast. We hadn't seen each other since 1993. We only broke up then because we were both graduating and headed our separate ways. We have continued our snail-mail and e-mail correspondence on and off for the last 12 years. I always ended it, and he would pursue it again several months later, and I would cave. I usually ended it because of my being seriously involved with other men. Anyway, me and college boy decided it was time to see each other again and got together for five days in New Orleans. We had fabulous sex every night and enjoyed each other's company all day. Then we parted ways again.</p> <p>A few days later, I called him and told him I loved him. He said it wasn't reciprocated. However, he continues to write me daily e-mails. He often tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, etc. For a guy who's not interested, he sends some VERY mixed signals. He claims he was never in love with me, though, and doesn't think he'll ever love anyone romantically. Oh yeah&#8212;the last person he had sex with before me in New Orleans was me in college. He hadn't had sex in TWELVE years! He lives in Alaska and works six to eight months of the year doing remote jobs where he works usually with all men, and often alone. He's a very rugged, tough, solitary man's man (and sooooooo sexy). He often asks me to call him and sends me little packages of CDs and DVDs. What do I make of this? He's already said he's terrified of my showing up in Alaska and thinks I'm too into him, but then he turns around and tells me there's nothing wrong with me and he thinks I'm awesome. What do I make of all this?</p> <p><em>One Confused Chickie</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>Do you know what the funny thing is about mixed signals, OCC? In most instances mixed signals are actually one loud, clear, unmistakable signal: "I'm a fucking mess! Run! Run! Run!" The reason you can't decipher the singular signal Alaska Boy is sending you, OCC, is because you're suffering from a bad case of Wishful Thinking Syndrome (WTS). This man is damaged goods, OCC, but you're so in love with him that you can't see him for what he is.</p> <p>How do we know he's damaged goods? Let's count the ways: For starters he's a single man who chooses to live in Alaska, which should be renamed the Alaskan National Damaged Goods Refuge. He also says one thing ("I don't love you, I'll never love you") and does another (e-mails, compliments, explosive sex), which is always and everywhere a bad sign. Like a lot of DG men, he wants to feel like he has a girlfriend and/or lover without having to say the words. He also clearly enjoys messing with your head. Run, run, run.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/28/sl-letter-of-the-day-mixed-signals#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16616441&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/28/sl-letter-of-the-day-mixed-signals?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16616441&id=comments 64 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:32:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/27/sl-letter-of-the-day-goodie-bag http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/27/sl-letter-of-the-day-goodie-bag Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=21327">May 12, 2005</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I am a white, 21-year-old lesbian girl. My mom thought my room was too messy recently and went in to clean it. She found my "goodie bag," and it contains some pretty darn good goodies. Pot, pipes, a leather harness, assorted vibrators, etc. It also contained my stash of big-black-cock-on-teenage-white-girl DVDs. I may have made peace long ago with my odd fetish (nothing illegal, no one underage), but my mother was scandalized. She has loved me for many years as her lesbian daughter and this was too much for her to take. She says she "doesn't know me anymore." How do I deal with my mother?</p> <p><em>Lesbian Utterly Stumped Today</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>How do you deal with your mom, LUST? First you say, "Jesus Christ, mom! Stay the fuck out of my room!" She wasn't dusting the inside of your goodie bag, LUST, she was snooping, and I've got a message for your mom and all other snoopers out there: When a snooper learns something disturbing about a snoopee, the snooper has only herself to blame. If your mom absolutely insists on discussing your taste in pornography, assure her that a significant percentage of lesbians enjoy watching hetero porn, and 100 percent of lesbians absolutely hate discussing the subject with their mothers. If she presses you on the subject, start asking her intrusive, inappropriate questions about her sexual tastes.</p> <p>And finally, LUST, you're not a child. You're a big grownup dyke who's into big-black-cock-on-little-legal-white-girl porn. Maybe it's time to move yourself, your goodie bag, and your DVD collection out of your mother's house.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/27/sl-letter-of-the-day-goodie-bag#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16609905&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/27/sl-letter-of-the-day-goodie-bag?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16609905&id=comments 55 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 14:04:57 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-one-of-those-bisexuals http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-one-of-those-bisexuals Dan Savage <p><small>Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=60302">August 31, 2006</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I'm an 18-year-old girl, going off to college, and I'm not sure how to identify myself. I started at my school in kindergarten, and stayed there until I graduated last week. Everyone there knew I liked both girls and boys, probably because I was kissing them from about third grade on.</p> <p>I can't say I'm a lesbian because it's inaccurate, and I'm certainly not straight. I don't want to tell people I'm bi because 95 percent of the "bisexual" 18-year-old girls I've met were drunk straight chicks. So what do I say? "I'm a dyke, but I'll do boys, too"? "I'm bisexual, but not one of THOSE bisexuals"? Or should I just flirt with hot people and forget labels?</p> <p><em>Not One Of THOSE Bisexuals</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>Lots of young gay men run around telling people&#8212;straight people&#8212;that they're "not like other gay people." What they mean is, "I'm not a skeezy slut." Young lesbians insist they're "not like other lesbians," meaning they're not man-hating bulldykes. These stereotypes are not without foundation, of course. There are lots of skeezy gay sluts out there and tons of man-hating bulldykes. But just as it's unfair for straights to believe that <em>all </em>gay men are skeezy sluts and that <em>all </em>dykes are man haters, it's unwise for young queers to confirm heterosexual prejudices by implying that they've just had the pleasure of meeting the one and only gay man on earth who isn't a skeezy slut or the one and only lesbian who isn't a man hater.</p> <p>Don't play this idiotic game, NOOTB, unless you want to mark yourself as an immature, shallow young queer. You can tell people you're bisexual without adding the self-hating bi-phobic qualifier, i.e. "not one of THOSE bisexuals." And then, through your behavior, you can demonstrate that you&#8212;like most bisexual girls&#8212;aren't just some drunk straight chick.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-one-of-those-bisexuals#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16601114&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-not-one-of-those-bisexuals?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16601114&id=comments 46 Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:11:31 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-completely-wrong http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-completely-wrong Dan Savage <blockquote><p>I love your podcast and column. I never thought I would have a question for you but I do. Here's a little set up: I'm a 21-year-old man, I am straight, I have a longtime girlfriend. But recently I went on Casual encounters on Craigslist and saw that there is an abundance of gay men there who want to give straight guys anonymous blowjobs. My girlfriend is getting better at blowjobs but she has never given me a blowjob to completion. At most they last 2-3 minutes. She probably never will give me a blowjob to completion. But it's a thing that I would really like to experience. </p> <p>At first I was looked at the posts on Casual Encounters because it was sort of fun. But I just made my own post and as you can imagine tons of gay guys replied right away and some of them seem very very eager to do this for me. I wasn't trying to be tease or anything, I just wanted to see if anyone would actually be interested. </p> <p>So my question is this: Is this totally wrong? Am I being a huge dick-bag to my girlfriend? It realize this doesn't really make any sense but I don't of getting blown buy a guy as <em>cheating</em> or anything. It just seems like I'm jerking off in a new way because I'm really not attracted to guys. I know that doesn't make any sense, but my brain has rationalized it this way. So what do you think, Dan? Is this wrong?</p> <p><em>Thank Very Much</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>Sorry, TVM, but when you're having sex with a man&#8212;and oral sex <em>is</em> sex (even if you're on the receiving end (<em>especially</em> if you're on the receiving end))&#8212;you're not "jerking off in a new way." You're having sex in an old way. And if you're in a committed, sexually-exclusive relationship with your girlfriend, having sex with a person who isn't your girlfriend is cheating even if you're not attracted to the other person. Because another person's mouth &#8800; a <a href="http://www.fleshlight.com/">Fleshlight</a>. And unlike all forms of legit masturbation, TVM, accepting blowjobs from strangers places you at risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection. And while you're free to place yourself at risk, you are not free to place your girlfriend at risk without first obtaining her consent. So, yeah, it would be wrong to get a blowjob from another guy. Wrong, wrong, wrong.</p> <p>And here's another risk for you: What if you like it, TVM?</p> <p>Let's say you meet up with a guy who gives amazing, spectacular, mind-blowing, sack-draining blowjobs. Are you going to settle for your girlfriend's feeble blowjobs after you've been blown to completion by someone who gives great blowjobs? Particularly once you've seen how easy it is to get good, free, enthusiastic blowjobs from strangers? No, TVM, you won't be able to settle. You'll have another ad up on Craigslist within a month.</p> <p>Sorry, TVM, but if "right and wrong" is your concern&#8212;and that is how you framed the question&#8212;then you'll either have to pass on those free, enthusiastic, anonymous blowjobs-to-completion or you'll have to get your girlfriend's permission.</p> <p><small><em>Publishers Weekly</em> says <em>American Savage</em> is one of the <a href="http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/best-books/summer-reads-2013/nonfiction#list">"Best Summer Books of 2013."</a> Please <a href="http://www.amazon.com/American-Savage-Insights-Slights-Politics/dp/0525954104">preorder my new book</a> now, dammit!</small></p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-completely-wrong#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16591428&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/25/sl-letter-of-the-day-completely-wrong?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16591428&id=comments 69 Thu, 25 Apr 2013 14:49:04 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/24/sl-letters-of-the-day-a-selection-of-second-opinions http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/24/sl-letters-of-the-day-a-selection-of-second-opinions Dan Savage <blockquote><p>Long time devotee here. I was a very concerned with <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/22/sl-letter-of-the-day-mate-or-mat">the advice given to the poor guy in the "Mate or Mat" SLLOTD</a>. Your advice was for him was to seek a sex worker, however I believe that under the circumstances that advice should come second. I hope he has made no move in this direction yet. </p> <p>The guy should first focus on getting the hell out of there. Divorce her <em>now</em>. This woman appears to be the type of controlling lunatic that would use his straying as ammunition for the divorce she would immediately initiate. He would get the shaft if infidelity were discovered. Keeping him under her thumb is her hobby, but an infidelity would suggestion a sincere desire for freedom on his part and she would squeeze him for all of his worth (emotional and financial) before tossing him aside, completely destroyed. </p> <p>He mentioned that they had broken up for a period and that they were both distraught. I am assuming her pain was based on the boredom she experienced with having no one to make miserable. A long, lengthy divorce, and subsequent castration, would be the icing on the cake for her. Then she would find a new toy to torture.</p> <p>Sex workers might be in this guys future, but he has to remove himself completely from this sadistic maniac before he make a single sniff in another direction. </p> <p><em>Love The Show</em></p></blockquote> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <blockquote><p>Your response to the <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16575431">lesbian with the severe latex allergy</a> was a bit abrupt; her partner has a Latex fetish and she is deathly allergic, and you told her "no go." I'd suggest asking her partner what it is ABOUT late that turns her on; true, it sometimes is the vinyl itself, but I know at least one person who, in dealing with a similar issue, was quite happy, fetish-wise, to substitute a spandex-type bodysuit and still got off on the sensation. Her fetish turned out not to be latex per se but rather the body-suit-and-corset styling. Just a thought!</p> <p><em>Prof. Dragon</em></p></blockquote> <blockquote><p>I read your reply to <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16511673">"Dick Hole Panic" in last week's column</a>. As a young man, I suffered from slight phimosis; not severe enough to prevent retraction altogether, but enough to make it painful and tricky; I didn't have medical treatment because as far as I knew that's how penises were. It turned out that one way to resolve this is to tear it "in the field", as it were; this led to an alarming coital interruption, but when I showed the results to my doctor he said that, while it would have been possible to surgically loosen it, I'd done a pretty good job myself.</p> <p>To get to the point; even if DHP is in the 10% who need surgery, he might not need to have his foreskin removed, just adjusted a little.</p> <p><em>Something To Remember My Ex By</em></p></blockquote> <blockquote><p>"Procasturbation" is the name of the phenomenon LHTB mentions in <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16575431">this week's column</a>. I would not have made it through graduate school without it.</p> <p><em>R.S.</em></p></blockquote> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/24/sl-letters-of-the-day-a-selection-of-second-opinions#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16582419&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/24/sl-letters-of-the-day-a-selection-of-second-opinions?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16582419&id=comments 27 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:50:05 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/advice-cop-wanting-to-fuck-19-20-years-old-guys-wanting-to-fuck-nine-year-old-boys http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/advice-cop-wanting-to-fuck-19-20-years-old-guys-wanting-to-fuck-nine-year-old-boys Dan Savage <p>Um, Amy? I agree that the LW's "single, older, male next-door neighbor" is kinda creepy&#8212;giving gifts to the LW's sons, asking them not to tell their parents about them&#8212;but it's a little unfair to <a href="http://www.denverpost.com/askamy#ixzz2RKANz8N9">invoke Jerry Sandusky</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>I can certainly understand an older individual having young friends. But the red flag is that this neighbor has asked your sons to keep secrets from you. No responsible and respectful adult would ask young people to lie to or deceive others. You should be completely frank and honest with your sons. In the age of Jerry Sandusky and countless other stories of trusted adults "grooming" and then victimizing young people, if you "err" it should be on the side of transparency and honesty.</p></blockquote> <p>The LW should go to her sons and say, "You do realize he probably wants to get into your pants, right?" But however creepy the LW's neighbor is, Amy, he's not raping-little-boys-in-locker-rooms <strike>creepy</strike> criminal. And one adult lavishing gifts on another adult&#8212;even a younger adult&#8212;in the hopes of <em>maybemaybemaybe</em> getting into the younger adult's pants isn't an example of a "grooming behavior." Take it away, <a href="http://www.heroproject.org/en/grooming-behaviors">Hero Project</a>: </p> <blockquote><p><strong>GROOMING BEHAVIORS</strong>: A child sexual predator knows that in order to sexually abuse a child without fear of discovery, he/she must be able to condition the child not to tell another adult. The predator must also persuade other adults of his/her trustworthiness with children. This process is known as &#8220;grooming.&#8221;</p></blockquote> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/advice-cop-wanting-to-fuck-19-20-years-old-guys-wanting-to-fuck-nine-year-old-boys#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16571912&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/advice-cop-wanting-to-fuck-19-20-years-old-guys-wanting-to-fuck-nine-year-old-boys?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16571912&id=comments 45 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 14:37:12 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/box-turtle-bulletin-its-the-tenth-anniversary-of-rick-santorums-infamous-man-on-dog-interview-with-the-associated-press http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/box-turtle-bulletin-its-the-tenth-anniversary-of-rick-santorums-infamous-man-on-dog-interview-with-the-associated-press Dan Savage <p>This morning <a href="http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2013/04/23/55540">Box Turtle Bulletin reminds us</a> that it was on this date ten years ago that <em>USA Today</em> published an AP interview with Rick Santorum&#8212;then the third most powerful Republican in the U.S. Senate&#8212;in which Santorum compared same-sex relationships to <a href="http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/washington/2003-04-23-santorum-excerpt_x.htm">dog fucking and child rape</a>. Santorum didn't just attack gay people in that interview: he also argued that there is no right to privacy for straight people in the U.S. Constitution. He told the AP that Griswold, the Supreme Court decision that overturned laws banning contraception, was "wrongly decided." Here's Rick in his own words:</p> <blockquote><p><strong>AP:</strong> OK, without being too gory or graphic, so if somebody is homosexual, you would argue that they should not have sex?</p> <p><strong>SANTORUM:</strong> We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. It all comes from, I would argue, this right to privacy that doesn&#8217;t exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution, this right that was created, it was created in Griswold&#8212;Griswold was the contraceptive case&#8212;and abortion. And now we&#8217;re just extending it out. And the further you extend it out, the more you&#8212;this freedom actually intervenes and affects the family. You say, well, it&#8217;s my individual freedom. Yes, but it destroys the basic unit of our society because it condones behavior that&#8217;s antithetical to strong healthy families. Whether it&#8217;s polygamy, whether it&#8217;s adultery, where it&#8217;s sodomy, all of those things, are antithetical to a healthy, stable, traditional family.</p> <p>Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that&#8217;s what? Children. Monogamous relationships. In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That&#8217;s not to pick on homosexuality. It&#8217;s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality &#8212;</p> <p><strong>AP:</strong> I&#8217;m sorry, I didn&#8217;t think I was going to talk about &#8220;man on dog&#8221; with a United States senator, it&#8217;s sort of freaking me out.</p></blockquote> <p>Most people have forgotten&#8212;<em>I</em> had forgotten&#8212;that my first response to Santorum's "man on dog/man-on-child" remarks was <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2003/04/25/opinion/gop-hypocrisy.html">this calm, measured, even-handed op-ed</a> in the <em>New York Times</em>. Santorum weathered the scandal, George W. Bush said he supported Santorum, and pundits declared the issue over. My readers had a different idea. <a href="http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2013/04/23/55540">Box Turtle Bulletin</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>But a month later, Santorum&#8217;s comments were largely forgotten, except among the LGBT community. Lamenting that &#8220;the Santorum scandal didn&#8217;t have legs,&#8221; a 23-year-old reader of Dan Savage&#8217;s &#8220;Savage Love&#8221; column suggested holding a contest to &#8220;&#8216;include&#8217; (Santorum) in our sex lives&#8212;by naming a gay sex act after him.&#8221; Savage agreed, and invited readers to send in their suggestions. By June, the votes were counted, and a <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14566">definition was promulgated</a>.... Four months after Santorum&#8217;s infamous comments and two months after the definition was created, the neologism was still struggling to catch on. It wasn&#8217;t until the end of the year when a new web site was created that <a href="http://www.SpreadingSantorum.com">SpreadingSantorum</a> ended up becoming the most successful Google bomb in history. And with that, a callow comment which almost faded into history has become the name by which Santorum will be known for the rest of his life.</p></blockquote> <p>There's a chapter in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/American-Savage-Insights-Slights-Politics/dp/0525954104/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366730820&sr=8-1&keywords=american+savage">my new book</a> about Rick Santorum that includes an interview with the man who came up with the winning definition. It's the first time he's ever spoken publicly about what inspired him to come up with <a href="http://www.spreadingsantorum.com">"the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."</a> Here's a teaser: he thinks the inclusion of the word "frothy" clinched the race for him.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/box-turtle-bulletin-its-the-tenth-anniversary-of-rick-santorums-infamous-man-on-dog-interview-with-the-associated-press#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16568368&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/23/box-turtle-bulletin-its-the-tenth-anniversary-of-rick-santorums-infamous-man-on-dog-interview-with-the-associated-press?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16568368&id=comments 23 Tue, 23 Apr 2013 08:27:56 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/22/sl-letter-of-the-day-mate-or-mat http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/22/sl-letter-of-the-day-mate-or-mat Dan Savage <blockquote><p>We hear of this problem so much that it has become the definition of redundant: Spouses that just aren&#8217;t interested.</p> <p>I&#8217;m in my early 50&#8217;s and I&#8217;ve been married to the same woman for twenty years and in a committed relationship for six years before we married. In all that time, she&#8217;s never once provided any type of foreplay or reciprocated to mine. Never once initiated or provided oral sex unless I just maneuvered it up that way, because you can&#8217;t ask her verbally for fear of using improper terminology that may turn her off. And it&#8217;s not cheerful when it is provided. She acts like my dick is coated in rat poison. She never talks during sex, allows me to talk, or even opens her eyes. Up until a few years ago, the lights had to be out. And she&#8217;s only initiated sex a handful of times&#8212;years and years ago. </p> <p>She does have some medical problems that make her tired and sore. I'm very considerate of this but no matter how much of the household burden I carry (most of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all the yard work), it's not enough. She ignores my romantic advances even when there are no kids around. I have to ask for sex using this phrase only: "Wanna fool around tonight?" The answer is usually, &#8220;We&#8217;ll see,&#8221; but then the ultimate answer is almost always, &#8220;I&#8217;m too tired,&#8221; or, &#8220;I haven&#8217;t had a shower.&#8221; I feel like a child asking his mommy for a cookie. It&#8217;s degrading. When we do connect, I provide very generously for her orally because it turns me on. I eat pussy like a fat kid eats cake. And as long as I&#8217;m quiet, we can have very, very vanilla sex while she lays there with her eyes closed. The majority of my married sex life has been spanking the monkey with an assist from Internet porn. She derides this, rebukes me about porn, and tells me it&#8217;s nauseating and that I need therapy.</p> <p>She&#8217;s never once told me that she loved me without me having told her first. Never once initiated a simple kiss yet she kisses the dogs freely. Never hugged or touched me passionately without my initiating contact first. When I do complain or want to discuss the issue, she tells me she doesn&#8217;t like physical contact, says I&#8217;m cruel, says I don&#8217;t understand, tells me I&#8217;m sick and I&#8217;m the one that needs help. I once walked out of the relationship because of this but it devastated both of us. I realized I loved her and we reconciled.</p> <p>But the intolerable twist that drives me insane: She engages in ribald banter with other men as if she&#8217;s some ready, willing, and able swallower. Years ago, before we were married but while we were already in a committed relationship, the 18 year old DJ at a New Years Eve Party asked her out. She thought it was just <em>soooo</em> cute and became his friend and he provided music at our wedding. She hadn't seen him years until Facebook came along. (Yes, snooped her FB.) She wrote a message to him that said she had injured herself dancing. She added: "Actually, I was humping a friend's husband, so you can see I haven&#8217;t changed!&#8221;</p> <p>Really? Are you fucking kidding me?</p> <p>Yet she sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes when I talk suggestively to her. And it's been going on for years. I have remained monogamous throughout despite working in a profession where everyone is fucking someone behind someone else&#8217;s back and working on their third marriage. I&#8217;m getting too old for a hall pass and wouldn&#8217;t even want to be bothered at this point in my life. I know it would never be granted anyway and the mere suggestion would ignite an epic brawl.</p> <p>So, after years of same old, same old, and her continual refusal to have an adult discussion about my needs or her treatment of me, I know it ain&#8217;t changing and I don&#8217;t have time for therapy. I know any joint therapy would be directed toward my "unrealistic" expectations and my Internet use would be held up as evidence that I'm the sick one.</p> <p>Is it even worth beating this old donkey anymore, Dan? And please answer this question for me: Have I been a gigantic schmuck for tolerating this shit all my life?</p> <p><em>The Enduring Doormat</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p><div style="text-align:center;">&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;&#8226;</div></p> <p>For the sake of contrast, TED, I'll be brief: I don't see any point in beating this old donkey anymore as things are unlikely to change. And I don't want to call you a gigantic schmuck&#8212;you've suffered enough already&#8212;but I will say this: I wouldn't have put up with the shit you describe in your letter for two months, much less two decades.</p> <p>And here's a letter from another reader that came in today... offered without comment... but I will say this: </p> <blockquote><p>.&#8212; .. -. -.- </p> <p>.&#8212; .. -. -.-</p> <p>.&#8212; .. -. -.-</p></blockquote> <p>Okay, here's that other letter:</p> <blockquote><p>I've been reader for a long time. Reading the letter from the sister who <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=16348913">wondered about getting an escort</a> for her brother prompted me to write.</p> <p>I'm a 52-year-old straight guy. I'm not gorgeous but I'm not ugly or huge either. About eight years ago I left a sexless marriage. I have three great kids, all teenagers now. I live with my 76-year-old father because he needs my help. About the time I got divorced my career collapsed, forcing me to start over. Work occupies much more of my time than I thought it would at this point in my life. So all told dating hasn't been particularly productive or even particularly possible. </p> <p>In large measure because of what I'd read in your column after my divorce I started seeing escorts. It's been hugely beneficial. I've been with gorgeous 20 somethings, which scratched an itch that wasnt going to get scratched on its own, and I've been with some really bright, really fun women closer to my age. I've been with black women, Latino women, skinny women, and BBWs. I've gotten to tie some up. But most importantly I know I can still do it. Seeing escorts doesn't replace the intimacy and companionship of an LTR, but it does keep me confident that when that happens I won't vapor lock. </p> <p>I just wanted to second the motion for SIS, Dan, and thank you for giving me the permission I needed.</p> <p><em>Can't Think Of A Clever Acronym</em></p></blockquote> <p>Thanks for sharing, CTOACA.</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/22/sl-letter-of-the-day-mate-or-mat#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16561590&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/22/sl-letter-of-the-day-mate-or-mat?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16561590&id=comments 98 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 17:25:16 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/18/sl-letter-of-the-day-mystery-bulk http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/18/sl-letter-of-the-day-mystery-bulk Dan Savage <p><small>Dan Savage is on vacation this week, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=24908">November 3, 2005</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>I have a coworker who appears to have some type of padding in his trousers. Not in the front, so as to make his penis look larger, but all around&#8212;front, back, sides. Some days he comes to work appearing slim and trim, but on random days he comes in wearing much larger slacks, which appear to be "stuffed" with something. The padding doesn't appear to be an adult undergarment. The stuffing/padding is bulkier than a Depend. Over time (several years) the padding has gone up and down in size. I know that many adults enjoy wearing diapers, but I'm wondering whether you know of any other fetish that involves stuffing or padding trousers.</p> <p><em>Need Answers Pertaining Perverted Yearnings</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>He's wearing diapers under his trousers, NAPPY, without a doubt. The varying degrees of bulk that you've noticed is most likely the result of his wearing different types of diapers. A Depend may be more discreet, but no ambitious diaper fetishist is going to be satisfied wearing only a Depend day after day. Some days he may not wear diapers, some days he may wear something discreet like a Depend, and some days he apparently comes to work in bulkier diapers. There's also the disturbing possibility that on some days his diapers are empty and other times they're full.</p> <p>Oh, and speaking of disturbing: Folks who were upset to learn in a recent installment of Savage Love that some people like to "leave behind" erotically charged ephemera for others&#8212;like, say, the guy who leaves a smidge of his come on his friends' toothbrushes&#8212;might want to skip the rest of this response. It seems that a man in Dallas, Texas, was arrested for... for sprinkling&#8212;oh, Christ, I can't bring myself to type what comes next, so I'll just copy and paste from the Team 4 News report: "A Dallas cab driver is in big trouble for getting caught on tape sprinkling dried feces on pastries. Forty-nine-year-old Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh is on trial for allegedly throwing fecal matter on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store. Police said they found a pile of human feces by his bed. He would dry it [and] grate it up with a cheese grater and then sprinkle it at the store, officials said."</p> <p>It's the bit about the cheese grater that lifts this story out of the horror camp and plops it down in the mind-numbingly-horrifying-puking-nightmare camp. Will any one us ever be able to shake the mental image of Behrouz sitting in his apartment contentedly grating his dried crap? And, more importantly, will any one of us ever eat from a self-serve pastry case ever again?</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/18/sl-letter-of-the-day-mystery-bulk#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16512943&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/18/sl-letter-of-the-day-mystery-bulk?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16512943&id=comments 29 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:33:00 -0700 The Stranger http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-stepdad-seeking http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-stepdad-seeking Dan Savage <p><small>Dan Savage is on vacation this week, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. Originally published <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=25106">July 5, 2007</a>:</small></p> <blockquote><p>My stepdad is gay. He married my mom anyway, and they appear to have a strong relationship despite his sexual preference&#8212;they love each other, had a baby together, and seem to be committed. A few days ago I found a search for "men seeking men" on his computer. I brought up the subject of their relationship with my mom without telling her what I found, and she said that they're currently monogamous. Should I tell my mom, confront my stepdad, or just keep my mouth shut?</p> <p><em>Stepdaughter Needs Assistance For Understanding</em></p></blockquote> <p>My response after the jump...</p> <p>There's this sex advice columnist. He's gay, like your stepdad, but he fell in love with another guy, and they appear to have a strong relationship&#8212;they love each other, had a baby together, and seem to be committed. So why does this sex advice columnist occasionally check out "men seeking men" ads on the internet? Because even though he has no plans to fuck other men, SNAFU, he nevertheless enjoys checking other men out&#8212;on the street, on airplanes, at book signings, and on personals websites. Why check out "men seeking men" ads when there's porn? Because sometimes it's more fun to check out real people who wanna be fucked than it is to check out fake people who are just pretending they wanna be fucked.</p> <p>So, SNAFU, finding a search for "men seeking men" on your stepdad's computer tells us nothing about his intentions. And faithful or not, monogamous or not, seeking or not, it's none of your fucking business, is it?</p> <p>[ <a href="http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-stepdad-seeking#comments">Comment on this story</a> ]</p> <p>[ <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16512934&amp;id=comments">Subscribe to the comments on this story</a> ]</p> Savage Love http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/17/sl-letter-of-the-day-stepdad-seeking?show=comments#readerComments http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Rss.xml?oid=16512934&id=comments 28 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 11:18:00 -0700 The Stranger