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My Ken Hutcherson Google Alert Never Fails to Pay Off...

David Schmader — Wed, 15 May 2013 15:16:18 -0700

Today's gem: A letter from an aborted baby, co-written by Hutch himself.

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Lunchtime Quickie: Ahmed Angel Is Planet?

Kelly O — Wed, 15 May 2013 12:35:01 -0700

Can someone explain why Ahmed Angel is suddenly planet? I am confused! Also, get a load of this guy. He paid a wizard $500 to make him invisible. Doesn't he know, being invisible doesn't make him planet?

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Drugstore Fruit

Anna Minard — Mon, 13 May 2013 11:39:47 -0700

AM
The downtown Bartell Drugs

I have seen the occasional pile of oranges and bananas at a Walgreens. The sad cafeteria-style pile of unripe fruit makes a kind of sense. But this drugstore's exotic fruit display—pineapples, coconuts, papayas, mangos in between hair dryers and cans of nuts—totally blew my mind. Overhead, they played Joni Mitchell. The wooden display is actually for a brand of "crunch dried® fruit and vegetable snacks" in plastic bags, the kind of food I expect at the drugstore. It was a tropical fluke in the snack aisle. Or is this a new trend?

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They Need More To Do On the International Space Station

Dan Savage — Mon, 13 May 2013 07:27:31 -0700

Via TPM. Says Josh:

When I first saw this I couldn’t tell if it was cringeworthy or simply awesome. But listening to the whole thing I’m gravitating heavily toward option two. This is Chris Hadfield, commander of the International Space Station, performing Bowie’s Space Oddity from … well, space.

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Taiwanese Animated News Still the Best and Most Trusted News Source

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 06 May 2013 12:11:00 -0700

First Donald Trump calls Jon Stewart out for changing his name to something less Jewish. Next Jon Stewart responds by referring to Donald Trump by his real name, "Fuckface Von Clownstick." THEN the hilarious folks at NMA (the Taiwanese animation news people) make their most awesomest CG recreation of the fight EVARRRRRR! (Seriously, why do we get our news anywhere else?)

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Hey, Ladies, Here Are the Two Kinds of Woman You Can Be

Anna Minard — Fri, 03 May 2013 11:58:20 -0700

Anna Minard

On the left, we have Kim "Even My Armpits Are Fat!" Kardashian. (Let me pause for a moment and say: Like most women, I feel acutely aware of all the ways my body can fail to please others at any given moment, but dear lord, it has never occurred to me that you can have FAT ARMPITS.)

On the right, we have Gwyneth "World's Most Beautiful Woman" Paltrow.

There's no in between, really. It's either Ol' Fat Armpits McGee or Mrs. Goop. You choose.

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The Republican Party Loves Guns So Much

Paul Constant — Thu, 02 May 2013 14:06:39 -0700

How much does the Republican Party love guns? They love guns so much that they basically call President Obama a loser for consoling the mother of a Newtown shooting victim in a new RNC ad. That's how much the Republican Party loves guns.

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Today in Wonders of the Internet (Also, Overheard in the Office)

Anna Minard — Thu, 02 May 2013 13:28:46 -0700

"'Clydesdales with docked tails miss bag because of characteristic deep anal cleavage.'"

"Um, did you just say anal cleavage?"

"I'm just reading the FAQ for Bun-Bags."

"What?"

"Yeah, I googled 'horse diapers.' Because of the mayor's tweet.

Aaaaaaaaaaand scene.

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Have You Seen the New Mountain Dew Commercial, Featuring Odd Future?

Megan Seling — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 14:56:17 -0700

The Huffington Post just put up the new Mountain Dew commercial featuring Odd Future, racial stereotypes, and violence against women—all in one!

Watch it on Line Out.

Here's Video of a Man Confronting an Awful Boston Marathon Bombing Truther

Paul Constant — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:17:24 -0700

I'm not sure this video solves anything, but it sure is satisfying:

(Via Oliver Willis.)

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Tonight! Collide-O-Scope's "Variety Show Vertigo"

David Schmader — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:19:55 -0700

Collide-O-Scope is the video montage extravaganza I wrote about at length here. Below is the trailer for tonight's show, which kicks off at 7 pm at Re-bar.

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The Way That Wind Farm Is Dressed, You Know She Has It Coming

Anna Minard — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 10:44:46 -0700

Here is a thing that baffles me: On a road trip through Idaho last year, I saw a lot of anti-wind-energy billboards. Whoa. Who is actually against wind power? Up until then, it hadn't occurred to me that anyone could be. The basic argument seems to be that wind farms are unsightly or invasive. But there was another billboard argument I saw that was so weird I almost thought I'd dreamed it. One of the billboards compared wind farms to prostitution. It was insane, but I didn't get a picture because, you know, driving. This weekend, a friend who was driving through Idaho snapped one and sent it to me:

If you can't read it, that says: "CAUTION RED LIGHT DISTRICT AHEAD! Wind Development, not the oldest profession, but the result is the same."

Ummmmmm... what?!? The result of wind energy is the same as the result of prostitution? Because wind turbines have little red lights on them so planes don't fly into them? And wait, what's the "result" of prostitution? Sex? Money? The website the billboard's advertising is just this, a simple list of articles that paint wind power negatively. There is not an explanation of why wind farms are such whores.

On the same trip, I saw this totally different billboard about prostitution and meth, which broke my brain with its awfulness. Is she not your daughter anymore? Who's on meth here, anyway? And why is a sex worker such an effective bogey(wo)man on rural highways? It felt like an obsession.

On the other hand, the windstitute billboard has added another dimension to my vocabulary. "I have to wear this dress to see my folks later, do I look like a total wind farm?" It's highly entertaining.

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Today in Mildly Upsetting Sentences Drawn from Press Releases

David Schmader — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:29:07 -0700

Ron Jeremy will be visiting Seattle next weekend to launch his rum.

Ron Jeremy has been launching his rum all over the place for the past 30 years. I don't see how this time deserves special attention.

(Also, Kelly O will be covering the shit out of Ron Jeremy's rum launch. Stay tuned!)

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America Is Turning That Frown Upside Down

Paul Constant — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 13:03:54 -0700

Politico says that half of all Americans are easily placated:

Half of Americans approve of the state of the country for the first time since 2007, a new poll says.

According to a CNN/ORC poll released on Friday, 50 percent of Americans say “things are going well in the country” — but an equal percentage says the opposite.

At last! America has finally recaptured the boundless optimism of the second Bush term.

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Phoenix Jones Announces International Army of Phoenix Jones-Alikes

Paul Constant — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:09:54 -0700

Bleeding Cool caught "real" life "superhero" Phoenix Jones's announcement that he's going international. And here it is, in Jones's typical ALL CAPS:

I WILL BE STARTING A UK DIVISION OF THE RCSM [Rain City Superhero Movement, Phoenix's little local fake superhero club] LEAD BY RED FALCON. HE IS A GOOD STRONG LEADER AND WILL REPRESENT THE TEAM WELL. I HAVE ALSO EQUIPPED HIM WITH THE LATEST LEGAL CRIME FIGHTING GEAR AS WELL AS BULLET AND STAB RESISTANT PLATING.

COUNT ZERO WILL BE HEADING UP MY ARIZONA DIVISION. MIDNIGHT JACK AND I PERSONALLY TRAINED HIM AND HE IS VERY TALENTED AND KNOWLEDGEABLE.

PUMA WILL BE HEADING UP MY DUBAI DIVISION. HIS ROLE AND PLANS MUST BE KEPT CLOSE TO THE VEST CONSIDERING THE LAWS IN DUBAI ARE VERY DIFFERENT.

I AM TRYING TO TALK HARBINGER INTO RUNNING MY CALIFORNIA DIVISION. WE HAVE TEAMS BEING SET UP IN SOUTH AFRICA, AUSTRALIA, AND NEW ZEALAND. I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED.

If you're reading Slog in a city that is not Seattle, you should be warned: Idiocy is on the march! And also: Please know that we are so, so sorry about this.

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The Slog Netflix Streaming Club: Holy Motors

David Schmader — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 12:10:52 -0700

Holy Motors, the metaphysical fantasia by Leos Carax, is baffling by design. It's also gorgeous, sporadically riveting, and completely insane.

The film follows 24 hours in the life of Mr. Oscar (Denis Lavant), a shape-shifting man who spends his days executing various "appointments," each of which requires him to be someone new. He's transported from appointment to appointment by his trusty driver Celine (Edith Scob), in a limo big enough to contain a makeup table, costume storage, and a fireplace.

First, he's a wizened old street beggar, ignored by passers-by on the street.

Then he's a motion-sensor-laden acrobat on some sort of virtual soundstage, where he executes intricate stage combat before simulating sex with a motion-sensor-laden woman.

Then he's a milky-eyed monster troll who ventures into the sewer and emerges at a cemetery, where the tombstones says "Visit my website" and our monster troll devours flowers and terrifies onlookers. Ultimately, he comes upon a photo shoot, featuring a gorgeous top model (Eva Mendes) and a jittery photographer who'd love to shoot the milk-eyed troll. Instead, the troll bites off the fingers of the photographer's assistant and kidnaps the model, dragging her into the sewer and eventually giving her the full burqa treatment. (Also, his penis is blurred out, thanks to Netflix's censors.)

Then he's back to middle-aged man form, in which he drives to pick up his teenage daughter from a party. Father and daughter converse, then argue, and the father leaves in a huff, telling his caught-in-a-lie daughter, "Your punishment is to be you—to live with yourself".....

Then comes "The Interval," in which our man marches purposefully through a gorgeous candlelit castle with an accordian. He is soon joined by a parade of accordianists and it becomes a full musical number.

Then he's in a track suit and confronting a skeezy long-haired guy, with whom he has words before stabbing him in the neck. As the man bleeds out, Mr. Oscar cuts the man's hair, shaves his beard, and ultimately makes the dead-or-dying man look exactly like himself. But as the scene's wrapping up, the stabbed man abruptly awakes long enough to stab Mr. Oscar in the neck, exactly as he had been stabbed, with the identical men left bleeding side-by-side on the floor.

Then Mr. Oscar is visited in the limo by his boss/benefactor, who tells Oscar that viewership is down and people don't necessarily believe what they see anymore. (This scene also contains what feels like one of the film's clearest questions: After the boss points out that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Oscar asks, "And if there's no more beholder?")

Then we're driving around with Mr. Oscar, looking out at a Paris that slips into a view seen through night-vision goggles, making the whole of Paris look like a video game simulation.

Then Oscar orders Celine to stop the limo, and, brandishing a gun, he races through the street and into a cafe, where he promptly shoots a banker and is shot himself in return. Celine comes to retrieve the wounded Oscar, telling bystanders, "Forgive him, there's been a mixup."

Then Oscar is an old man in a stately old mansion, where he's visited at his bedside by his niece. The pair has a slow deathbed conversation about love and pain and gratitude. The scene abruptly ends when both Oscar and the woman playing his niece admit they have to hurry off to other appointments.

En route to Oscar's next appointment, Celine has a fender-bender with another limo, whose driver she calls "an ectoplasm on wheels." While the crash is being sorted, Oscar wanders off for a walk with the passenger of the other limo, who is someone who knows Oscar and is played by Kylie Minogue. They reminisce elliptically, and she breaks into song as they stroll through a huge warehouse littered with mannequin parts.

Then we're at Oscar's final assignment, when we're finally allowed to see inside one of his assignment dossiers—this one has papers showing "Your House," "Your Wife," and "Your Daughters." Oscar enters his modest suburban home and is greeted by his wife and child, both of whom are chimpanzees. The family hugs and gazes out a window.

Finally, Celine is returning the limousine to the Holy Motors warehouse, where she parks and walks off with a green mask over her face (similar to the mask the same actress wore in the 1960 classic Eyes Without a Face). When she's gone, the dozen or so parked limousines in the warehouse begin conversing, flashing their headlights syllabically and grousing about life.

THE END.

Our main entry point for discussion: WTF???

(For me, it's a gorgeous puzzle about the roles we continually play for each other, and how one person's suffering is another person's amusement, and how weird and beautiful French art films can be. At times, Holy Motors also seems like Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle writ small. But mostly I connected with the relationships, which were of course mysterious, but intense and specific enough to draw me happily into the mysteries.)

HOW WAS IT FOR YOU? Do you hate me for making you watch it? Please weigh in in the comments.

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Thatcher's Death Confuses Cher Fans

Megan Seling — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 13:35:36 -0700

The Twitter hashtag #nowthatchersdead is confusing some folks! As Mashable points out, now a bunch of ~~dummies~~ surely nice people who just haven't given it much thought, think Cher has died.

Oh, people.

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"14% of Voters Believe in Bigfoot"

Paul Constant — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 12:59:48 -0700

Public Policy Polling has released the results of their latest poll, in which they polled American voters on 20 conspiracy theories. The results are terrifying:

15% of voters say the governemnt or the media adds mind-controlling technology to TV broadcast signals

There's much more, including 9/11 Truth theories, contrails, lizard people, and Area 51. Go read the whole report.

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Is Spencer Moody's $45,000 Kickstarter an Elaborate April Fool's Joke?

Megan Seling — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 14:53:58 -0700

Murder City Devils frontman Spencer Moody launched a Kickstarter campaign today (April 1st), hoping to raise $45,000 to make "a great sounding rock record" with fellow Devil Dann Gallucci. Yes, please! That'd be fucking great! But $45,000!?!?

Is it for real? Or for fun? Vote in the official poll!

Michelle Shocked-gate Gets Weirder

Anna Minard — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:30:34 -0700

So! Michelle Shocked showed up at the venue she would've played last night—if her tour hadn't been canceled due to her homophobic ranting—and protested outside the door by sitting in the border beds in a wacky outfit and with tape over her mouth. Read all about it on Line Out, and take the important Bald Britney vs. Tape-Mouth Michelle poll.

Alaska's Only Congressman Calls Mexicans Wetbacks

Charles Mudede — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 08:46:34 -0700

CNN:

Young, Alaska's sole congressman... made the comment during a sit-down interview with Ketchikan Public Radio earlier this week. Talking about how technology is affecting the economy, he referenced an anecdote from his family's farm in California.

"My father had a ranch; we used to have 50-60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes," Young said. "It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It's all done by machine."

The good congressman was kind enough to clarify matters:

"I used a term that was commonly used during my days growing up on a farm in Central California," the Republican congressman said in a statement issued to a local television station in Anchorage. "I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect."

And exactly how is it used nowadays? What do we mean when we say "wetbacks" or "fags" or "niggers" nowadays?

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Pee-Controlled Video Games at the Lehigh Valley IronPigs' Coca-Cola Park

Jen Graves — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 09:48:03 -0700

Man with the best aim wins! And learns about prostate health while watching baseballs.

Also: IRONPIGS.

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The Season for Killing Cherry Blossoms

Charles Mudede — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 09:59:07 -0700

What is he thinking?

Emily Nokes

Couldn't he wait until the flowers were gone? Such pretty flowers. Pink like the nipples of that unfortunate woman in the Japanese ghost story. And what a terrible ghost story it is. I have recounted it before. It goes like this:

An old woman is dying, and sitting next to her, taking care of her, is a young woman (in her late teens). Feeling the end is near, the old woman, who is in bed, asks the young woman to take her outside to see a cherry blossom tree. The young woman offers the support of her shoulders to the old woman, and the old woman stands, places her old hands on the young woman’s shoulders, and is led to the tree in the garden. Once under the tree, with its falling pink petals, the old woman’s hands suddenly let go of the young woman's shoulders, violently reaches over and grabs each of her breasts, squeezes them with the remaining energy in her long life, and dies, clinging to the breasts.

The young woman screams in horror.

Members of her family run outside, see what has happened, and attempt to remove the dead woman’s old hands from her breasts. But the fingers wont separate. The old woman’s flesh has somehow fused with the young woman’s flesh. When a finger is pulled from a breast, the fused flesh tears apart and begins bleeding. At the end of the day there is only one solution left: they cut the old woman’s wrists and hope the fixed hands eventually rot and drop off. But this never happens, and the young woman is forced to live with the old hands on her breasts.

Why didn't he wait until the flowers had fallen?

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Brony Urges Man to Stop Having Pretend Sex with His Imaginary Pony Fiancée

Paul Constant — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 11:34:25 -0700

Where were you on Friday when the internet hit Peak Internet? Sean O'Neal at the AV Club writes:

The Internet—the global system of interconnected networks that’s become an increasingly central means of commerce and communication capable of bringing far-flung civilizations together—reached its apex this week, after a man claiming to be the fiancé of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic character Twilight Sparkle contacted a user of online community DeviantArt to demand he stop drawing sexual pictures of his imaginary pony-bride. The request was made in a letter that was then published in full on the Internet, which no longer has any reason to exist, having achieved everything it has ever set out to do.

To me, the most interesting part of the letter is this paragraph:

Click to enlarge.

The most head-smacking part of this whole exchange is the fact that the letter-writer had the realization that women are human beings with likes and dislikes, and that they are not disposable sex objects, but he had this realization about a fictional character. I guess it's better than nothing.

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This Morning a Man Told Me to Smile...

Megan Seling — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 10:29:22 -0700

When I did not smile (I continued looking for my keys in my purse and avoided all eye contact, in fact), he told me my "pretty face was going to waste."

UGH, SIR.

I kept walking, I did not want to interact with him. In hindsight, I wish I would've responded like this (his words are the stuffed toy, I am the puppy who has had enough):

Good morning!

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Donny & Marie & Steely Dan

David Schmader — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 09:16:22 -0700

This started making the rounds a couple days ago and rightly so, for it is tremendous. (Ice-skating kick line! Severely attenuated "comedy"!)

(Thank you, Slog tipper Mindy, and whoever alerted Mindy to it...)

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What Happens If the United States Postal Service Express Mails a Very Important Package to the Wrong Country?

Charles Mudede — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 07:27:45 -0700

Nothing happens...

I'm not sure if the USPS often makes mistakes of this kind (the package was supposed to be expressed to Zimbabwe in 3 to 5 days, but instead went to Kazakhstan), but when they do, this for sure is their response: We have up to 30 days to investigate what went wrong and we'll get back to you then. Yes, 30 days. The package has been in Kazakhstan for 6 days. I have 24 days to go. USPS treats the whole matter as if one mailed two pieces of paper for $54 because one had all the time in the world. They seem to have no sense of the fact that people mail things at such a price because of some urgency. I have spoken to 5 representatives and not one was impressed by my dismay. It's as if they had mailed a postcard to Kazakhstan and not official documents that lawyers had to file in a court four days ago.

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Women in the City Also Being Vaporized by Aliens

Anna Minard — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 14:08:18 -0700

Yesterday evening, I posted two photos that I took this week of what was clear evidence that aliens are currently abducting/vaporizing ladies in wooded areas. This morning, Slog Tipper Gage was on the case with new evidence, snapped recently at a bus stop in the U-District:

SLOG TIPPER GAGE

The epidemic is spreading to urban areas. I'm upgrading my tin-foil hat to a tin-foil umbrella.

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Easter Bunny Meat

Dominic Holden — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 08:56:25 -0700

I can't stop looking at this photo in this morning's New York Times. It's so enormous and so... meaty.

Rabbit hams.

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Area Women Being Vaporized by Aliens: Photographic Evidence!

Anna Minard — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 17:12:40 -0700

That's really the only interpretation I have for these two separate scenes I stumbled across in two different wooded areas this week. The shoes were found in Woodland Park, the negligee at a rest stop off I-90. I'm currently building an elaborate tin-foil hat for protection.

ANNA MINARD

ANNA MINARD

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