http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2008/12/12/peter_labarbera_wants_me Comments On: Peter LaBarbera Wants Me by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2009 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:00:01 -0800 Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:45:00 -0800 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Posted by studiotodd]]> Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:25:03 -0800 The Stranger Posted by cesquaq]]> Fri, 26 Dec 2008 10:54:04 -0800 The Stranger Posted by macdonald]]> Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:04:08 -0800 The Stranger
If you look at the percentage of relationships (straight and gay) in which there is infidelity, and you are pinning all your relationship hopes and dreams on monogamy, odds are you are going to be disappointed and hurt by either your own actions, that of your partner.


Posted by Rob]]> Mon, 15 Dec 2008 08:24:07 -0800 The Stranger
@ 10, @ 22, crazycatguy: I get that non-monogamy wouldn't work *for you*, or in a relationship you are in, but you can't make lofty statements that dictate behavior for anyone else. Besides, you've only had the one relationship. Not that that's bad, but it means you haven't had many kinds of interactions. I've had both monogamous & open relationships. The open ones worked fine. There was one time, one weekend, I felt a little jealous, but any lover I have sent into the arms of another has been above board, with health checks, no lying & NO drama. & the partner who got to play around was always so very grateful. ;) The one I'm in now is monogamous, but I am lucky, because my lover is very creative.

I don't think non-monogamy, if VERY CAREFULLY examined, discussed & negotiated between STABLE, LONG_TERM partners, weakens relationships. I think *lying* weakens relationships. Cheating too. & if we disagree, that's okay crazycatguy. But that's what works for YOU, not flat-out everyone else.

@ Dan: Dan...oh Dan, I know your job is to provoke. But, can we wait w/ pressing the reality of human's brains & their essential nonmonogamy, until AFTER there's more established gay marriage? Hmmm? Closed-mindedness is a many-headed hydra. If you're gonna be all National Spokesgay, let's get as close as we can to lopping off that one ugly head - bigotry - before we ask folks to contemplate the wilder side of their own desires. Note that I didn't say act on them, necessarily. People can only handle so much change at a time.
Posted by Evadevi]]> Sun, 14 Dec 2008 23:30:54 -0800 The Stranger We like our spokesmen and women to be role models. Yeah...

Posted by commentz]]> Sun, 14 Dec 2008 19:07:00 -0800 The Stranger
too late
but thanks, anyway
Posted by ouch]]> Sun, 14 Dec 2008 05:17:55 -0800 The Stranger Posted by CA Gay Guy]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 22:55:21 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Jocelyn]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 20:26:54 -0800 The Stranger Posted by jade]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 18:00:14 -0800 The Stranger I forgot to mention, gf also doesn't care if I bathe, brush my teeth or wipe. It strengthens what we got.
Posted by STD from SiD]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:01:47 -0800 The Stranger I bet you are right.
What good is it to have
the Exalted One among us
if we do not study
and learn
from His past pronouncements?
I will flog myself for penance,
then go study the Holy One's words.
Posted by fanboy]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 16:58:21 -0800 The Stranger Posted by jade]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 10:15:30 -0800 The Stranger RGL, careful-
if you leave your lips planted on
Dan's ass too long
they'll dry out and stick
and then when you pull them away
the skin will tear off.
ouch.
Posted by chapstick?]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 08:37:19 -0800 The Stranger
I seriously doubt that you have a platform where more people are interested in what you say than Mr. Dan Savage does. He has a nationally syndicated column and a podcast, not to mention all his other accomplishments(ie constant television appearances on major shows)...what do you have? Dan Savage has made a life and career out of helping people....looks like you have made a hobby of attacking people needlessly and acting as if anyone cares what you say.


Posted by RGL]]> Sat, 13 Dec 2008 05:49:47 -0800 The Stranger
Hell, at parties there are screens hiding the booze that people go behind, drink, and emerge from.

My point is that strict ideologies beget mass self-delusion and end up with mass hypocrisy, undermining the goals of the ideology in the first place.
Posted by tjc]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:02:28 -0800 The Stranger face it, sd;
your gf doesn't care if you stray cause you're not that good.
no loss.
whatever.
of course she feels the same.
if she's going to get any it will have to be on the side.
lover.
Posted by smooch]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:31:05 -0800 The Stranger
One of the reasons I stay with my gf is that she does not require that I be sexual with her alone; she feels the same. It only strengthens our relationship.
Posted by SD from SD]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:56:43 -0800 The Stranger
I mean, aside from the usual dog-and-pony show of Peter LaBarbera, who isn't nearly as influential as his delusions of grandeur would imply...

Personally, monogamy is what I want. The man I end up marrying will, by virtue of having made it into the position of marrying me, will also want that.

However, reality shows that, straight or gay, not all people are like that. And it's not just men either. We have an archetype in our society of the man cheating on his wife, but the reality is that women cheat on their husbands all the time -- many of them just happen to cover it up better. [The commenter is thinking of a friend of his right now...]

But, for Peter and his band of merry men (and Concerned Ladies), honesty NEVER trumps ideology, so the mere concept that a couple might not need or want exclusive monogamy, or that some version of non-monogamy might not actually be damaging to some relationships...they can't handle that. You see, the status quo works better for them. On some level, they know that spouses cheat on each other all the time, and some of them probably have cheated themselves, but as long as it's taboo, they can sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't happen.

It's all so odd and indicative of deeply ingrained psychological deficiencies on the part of The Peter and Matty Barber and crew.

Whatever.

Personally, I just don't think it's anyone else's business what makes a marriage work. That's for a couple to figure out.
Posted by Evan]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:51:26 -0800 The Stranger You mean my relationship, I've only been in one. And yes, I suppose you are right, intellectually speaking, it's all about "consent." However, my advice was directed specifically at Dan, who is in a committed relationship with his partner and is raising a child. Now, perhaps Dan and his partner "negotiated" their commitment before they became a couple, but somehow I doubt it. They probably just fell in love. So here is my warning, and maybe it will apply to you, too, someday. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can "consent" to being hurt - it doesn't work that way. And don't think "negotiated" cheating won't damage your relationship - it will. My point is - why risk it? Monogamy isn't easy, but the alternatives (negotiated or not) are a lot worse.
Posted by crazycatguy]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:33:15 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Vince]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:15:51 -0800 The Stranger The fact is, Dan, people who love each don't find ways to hurt one another, in fact, they do every thing they can to avoid it.

You're right, but what does this have to do with what Dan has said about monogamy? Or in context to this blog post on Peter LaBarbera?

@16. Savage, this may come as a shock to you, but NO ONE really cares what you think.

Obviously, LaBarbera does. Obviously, you do too.
Posted by jade]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:58:38 -0800 The Stranger
What matters is what works for the relationship in question. There is no one right answer of what level of monogamy is perfect. Each couple needs to discuss boundaries, set limits, and conduct their relationships in a way that works for them.
Posted by lymerae]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:37:04 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Marla]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:14:21 -0800 The Stranger
@16, um wow.


Posted by Rob]]> Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:44:44 -0800 The Stranger