http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2008/11/25/savage_love_letter_of_the_day Comments On: Savage Love Letter of the Day by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2009 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:00:01 -0800 Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:30:00 -0800 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss
My point wasn't that bisexuals need to fuck both genders.

My point is that, as long as she doesn't KNOW, as long as she doesn't understand her own desires, she's always gonna burn to find out. She's always gonna wonder if the pussy is wetter on the other side of the fence.

My comment about her non-monogamy is based on the fact that she claims to be madly in love with, and hot for, this guy. And it doesn't keep her from actively wanting other people. I realize that, by this definition, most people are not cut out for strict monogamy. And that is, in fact, my opinion. :)
Posted by violet_dagrinder]]> Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:03:44 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Papayas]]> Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:33:20 -0800 The Stranger Posted by lost]]> Wed, 26 Nov 2008 08:15:32 -0800 The Stranger You're not a lesbian.
You're a slut.
Posted by DannyBoy]]> Wed, 26 Nov 2008 06:26:59 -0800 The Stranger
It wasn't really a big deal until recently when a couple that I know and like started hitting on me. And me, having never been able to scratch that itch before... I wanted to.

So I told the boyfriend. It hurt him. We compromised: I can explore, but it's something we do together as a couple; we can bring people in, but I can't go off on my own.

Stuck and Pleading: tell him how you feel. Tell him now before an opportunity to explore arises. I can only imagine how much worse it would've been to bring up the possibility of an open relationship with my boyfriend and let him know, "Hey, I like to eat pussy, too!" at the same time.

If you can't reach a compromise, you need to start preparing yourself for the breakup process.

As for the commenters saying that there's something wrong with her boyfriend because he doesn't want a threesome, that's a pretty ridiculous and sexist double standard. Are all women expected to want MMF threesomes? Everyone is turned on by different things.
Posted by Sara]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 23:37:11 -0800 The Stranger
First of all, Stuck and Pleading needs to do some serious thinking. Is this about sex and having some variety (i.e. I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend but don't know how to ask him!), or wanting a relationship with another person? You said dating. As in dating other people. Not just women. But dating other people in general. Note the use of DATING. This has me thinking that it's the latter or both. It's hard and confusing because you have been with your boyfriend so long and you know nothing else. But sometimes the "perfect" relationship turns out to be not so satisfying and not meant to be. People grow apart. Don't stay in the relationship just because it's your first and afraid. If you actually want to date other people and have a non-monogamous relationship when you know for sure that he doesn't, it's time to end it. No one can define your identity but you, but either way it sounds like you want more than this relationship.
Posted by jokyr]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:55:48 -0800 The Stranger
Imagine if straight men said that. Well, yeah, I knew I wanted to leave my blonde girlfriend to start fucking the redhead I'm with now, but it had nothing to do with the blonde as a person -- I just need to sleep with redheads sometimes! It's my sexual orientation. Or, "hey, honey, I'd like open our relationship -- I'm happy and i love you perfectly just the way you are because you're super, but I like small breasts AND big breasts, so I'm unhappy having to choose one right now."

The guy would look like a douche, which is why bisexuals who talk like that often look like douches. I just can't have one or the other. Because I like both, I must have both!

Fine, have both. But that's not the definition of bisexual.
Posted by Man seeking Martian]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:40:19 -0800 The Stranger
But she might just be an 8 on the 1 Hetero 10 Lesbian scale.
Posted by Will in Seattle]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:39:24 -0800 The Stranger
Like Dan often says, female sexuality can be a lot more fluid. There's not enough here to say that she's a lesbian for sure, just enough to say that she and her boyfriend definitely don't have very good communication.
Posted by Lauren]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:37:26 -0800 The Stranger what do you want? A blessing? Acknowledgement? Stop waiting. Bless and acknowledge your own feelings for fuck sake. Life is too fucking short to be so afraid. Fuck.
Posted by 4f...sake]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:37:37 -0800 The Stranger
Anyway: you might be a lesbian.

But you might also be bisexual. And you're definitely not cut out for strict monogamy, at least under the circumstances. So if this guy won't cut you some slack (threesomes, or open things up), you have to dump him. I know it's horrible, but this won't go away until you figure it out. And you owe it to him to do it before you get married or have kids or something totally stupid like that.
Posted by violet_dagrinder]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 18:59:45 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Clint]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:51:09 -0800 The Stranger
Here's the big give away that nobody's talked about yet. The subject of her letter is, how to date other people without killing my man, whom I still love? (No good answer, which is why Dan didn't bother.) She explicitly says that her man won't care which gender she gets with, he'll be "crippled" either way. So why does she fixate on the gender she's attracted to, when that really doesn't affect how she'll "hurt him in the future."

Because what she really wants to talk about are her feelings for women, and how strong and shocking they are. Why are they so shocking? Because, short answer, she loves this guy and he's wonderful and sweet in bed and out, but she's never had an attraction like this for him.

I know she doesn't say it, but it's right there on the page. She's worried that her attraction to women specifically may be relevant to how "she hurts him in the future" because, she fears that he'll somehow know what she already knows: her attraction to women is of a different order than her attraction to men, and that, in patricular, makes her feel guilty.

It's the only way to make sense of the letters confusion between its ostensible purpose -- minimizing her boyfriend's hurt -- and an apparently unrelated, but in reality very significant factor: her much stronger attraction to women than men in general.

As to her being poly, where did that come from? She says that she worries about experimenting and leaving him if something "unfolds" with someone else. That's a one-at-a-time situation, in terms of serious intimacies.

This is all right on the page, people. Read.
Posted by Man Seeking Martian]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 17:00:07 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Fnarf]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:51:15 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Jeremy from Seattle]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:49:34 -0800 The Stranger Posted by elswinger]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:57:21 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Lara]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:37:01 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Aislinn]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:22:09 -0800 The Stranger NOW. Trust me, "it" never goes away. Eventually, you will cheat, and then you turn an inevitable painful break up into a fucking disaster. You think you'll feel guilty about dumping him now? Think about how shitty you'll feel when he busts you.

Besides, you really never know how he will react. If he really is worth his salt, he will at least try to work through it with you. Who knows, he may even surprise you. But for the love of christmas, FIND OUT.

Also, are we still debating the validity of bisexuality? Still?
Posted by Mike in MO]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:17:02 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Lara]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:00:27 -0800 The Stranger
if he doesn't want to bring in a woman for her then she should get over her fear of hurting him because in the end she'll be miserable and feel stuck.

woman needs to explore!!!!!!!!!! eat some pussy, suck some cock, get eaten and stuffed with cock ...whatever. just do it. and it's quite possible she will enjoy both. it's the complete package. she's young and won't know for sure until she has more experience.



Posted by bi-bi]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:59:02 -0800 The Stranger
I've also been 26 (24 years ago).

Now you have the reasons I felt qualified to opine. Somehow, somewhere, I had always hoped my PhD in bisexual triangles would be of use. Don't take that away, @34!
Posted by cucuchi]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:56:09 -0800 The Stranger @35: That's a great "Post hoc ergo propter hoc," argument, and thanks for reminding me of "The West Wing."

But you keep conflating the relationship angle with the orientation angle.

"The repetition, the self-loathing, the worrying about "his feelings" over and over and over . . . this woman is trying to bring this to it's logical conclusion. No where in this letter did she say SHE would be torn apart by the relationship ending. She only feared HIM being torn up over it. Which would logically lead one to assume that the most this girl would feel is residual guilt born out of being the one to hurt someone she cares about- not any pain about the relationship ending itself."

How, exactly, does any of that have anything to do with orientation? Everything described could apply to *any* relationship, regardless of the plumbing of the participants.
Posted by laszlo toth, jr]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:50:03 -0800 The Stranger
"But I hate to ruin a perfect thing. I know what I have and I would totally regret throwing it away just because of curiousity. "

Actually, she did state, explicitly, that she would be upset if the relationship ended (you can argue that what she would really miss is the stability and the safety of her current relationship, but you can't argue that she didn't say she would regret it at all). She said that she loved her boyfriend "incredibly," and also said that the sex is "wonderful."

Sorry, I'm just not seeing total lesbo here. Maybe I am filtering too much through the lens of personal experience, but that's my biased opinion. I do think she's never going to be happy if she just tries to repress these feelings totally--too much woman-love for that. But I disagree that the best solution to her problems is the simplistic label of "lesbian."
Posted by lymerae]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:48:34 -0800 The Stranger I read it as a girl, because this doesn't often happen to gay men. I've actually never heard of a man going straight. Okay, maybe one. It was so much effort coming out, who wants to tell everyone it was a big mistake.
Posted by another Andy]]> Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:40:28 -0800 The Stranger