Comments On: Savage Love Letter of the Day by Dan Savage http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/06/22/savage-love-letter-of-the-day Comments On: Savage Love Letter of the Day by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Thu, 23 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Thu, 23 May 2013 23:00:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> And for fucks sake asexuality does not mean fucking abstinent it means there is no sexual attraction. There can still be arousal, and in many cases with asexuals, it is natural, physically stimulated thing. Human beings are mammals and made to breed after all. We are built to make babies. However, for most asexuals, this does not go beyond the physical, and thus no attraction to any particular human is formed. Asexuality is just as complicated as any other sexuality and you should never take anything at face value. That is bad journalism.
Posted by Turtle-la]]> Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:21:20 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Granted, I am upfront about this with my partner, so he knows what he is getting into, and wasn't upset at all. (If we're talking about biological needs, he has no trouble um... getting it on with himself, which isn't a problem at all...) But really, I think what Stephanie has is sweet. Do you know if your partner loves YOU more than they love SEX? Stephanie does. :)
Posted by aarthi]]> Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:46:28 -0800 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Let's start with this: my partner is the most loving person on the planet. I honestly believe that. She would do anything for me, without question. She loves me in ways I don't think anyone who touts "sex is required for love" could ever understand. She loves me in ways I'm only beginning to understand (through her).

She recently (within the last 6 months) figured out she was asexual. We've been together for almost 2 years. However, she has been asexual all of her life. For you to completely disregard her feelings and the feelings of others like her is contemptable. I believe you are a bigot. For you to regard anyone in love and with an asexual while they are themselves sexual as a "fool or fag" tells me a whole lot more about you:

First on the list is that you're a bigot. Using words like "fag" (incorrectly) tells me that much. Not to mention all of the things you've posted about asexuals.

I do wonder how being in a relationship with an asexual could make someone homosexual (assuming you don't mean cigarettes... which I am also not). You do understand big words like homosexual, right? In case you don't: it means you are attracted to, specifically and exclusively, persons of the same sex. Therefore, as a male, for me to be homosexual, I would need to exclusively want to be with other males. I am neither homosexual nor homoromantic, so I'm quite sure that disproves your statement.

I won't even get into the "fool" part as you have no real backing for either statement and it seems like you just picked the two most controversial nouns you could muster up.

Next, you're probably one of those ignorant types who likes to jump to conclusions and assume that your first conclusion HAS to be correct. If you believe it, then you have every right to do so. However, where you stray is that you seem to think that if you believe, everyone else has to conform to your beliefs lest you damn them and their views. I believe "holier than thou" has a place here.

I'll also assume you're one of the flock of university students who believe they have an inalienable right to have sex after a certain period of dating. You and your lot are entirely wrong. Nobody has to have sex with you after three dates. Nobody has to tell you their orientation. Nobody has to do anything just because they go on a couple of dates with you. In what way is going on a date a contract for sex or anything else?

No matter what you are and what you think, I am a sexual male truly in love (not lust) with an asexual female and I'm very happy. If you want to think of me as a "fool or a fag", go right ahead. I'll go along thinking you're a moron with the emotional capabilities of a toddler.
Posted by NotAFoolOrAFag]]> Fri, 24 Jun 2011 08:44:02 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
I hate to greet bigotry with bigotry, but this is the sort of comment I have come to associate with the mindset in Seattle, furthering it's already appalling reputation as being provincial and passive-aggressive (an American term I failed to comprehend until I came to Seattle).

It is possible to enjoy sensuality without desiring sex. Couples engaging in sensuality in cafes are romantic. Couples who proceed to have sex in that cafe are usually arrested,because free flowing bodily fluids put one off one's strudel and traumatise small children.

We have, in common with our relatives in the primate community, a need for tactile contact, without it we are isolated and disconnected from our fellow humans. This doesn't mean that a desire to be touched means a desire for intercourse. Rugby is a very tactile sport and most of the men are happily married and comfortably separate tactile contact from procreation. Comments such as yours are frequently to be heard from people who watch Rugby or Wrestling and then assume the unmarried ones must be gay. This is stupidity, not reasoned analysis.

I could understand your bafflement if you believe that all humans should behave like poodles and shag everything from lamp posts to raccoons. However, this is a narrow minded view of what humans should aspire to being that you might want to re-evaluate in accepting that some people prefer the emotional and sensual bonding that a relationship can bring and don't need Cialis, Viagra or any other stimulant to enjoy the rewards of companionship.

I'm writing this in anger because I get constant rejection from gays who have demands ranging from ethnicity to whether you are cut or uncut and all the other things that make life so cheap, shallow and sleazy. Clubs like Neighbours are particularly bad in this part of the world, due to the tendency that people have to greet each other by pressing their penis against someone's vagina or anus in a particularly grotesque version of the Lambada, which at least has elan. It offers little to no opportunity to meet people, who haven't come out looking to wiggle their arse and return home with a pretty hooker.

Lack of sexuality is a perfectly acceptable human condition and when you can convince me that people who don't shag ruminants are missing out and just haven't met the right goat, then you shall convince me that being asexual is so monstrously wrong that it needs to be corrected to meet sex-obsessed standards in this overindulgent, narrow minded and backward country (sorry non-Seattleites, I know there are decent Americans, I just wish they lived here and didn't think like Bush ;).

Cheers mate and happy 4th,
Dr Russ Childs.
Posted by SeattleObserver]]> Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:37:05 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Maybe you will grow out if it, maybe you won't. I've known many self identifying lesbians who have flopped back and forth.

Still ... some asexuals in these posts subscibe to sexual activity out of obligation vs. desire. VERY dangerous. That might get you through years 1-3 ... but it's most likely sustainable for 20 years. That is probably ok ... but just don't delude yourself.

But why take offense when people suggest you outing yourself? Why take offense when people can't relate to you ... because lets face it ... most of us are sexual beings. From the Kate and Jon debale to our Sanford gov. who ran to Argentina to be with his mistress. People put logic and reason aside to get laid in some of the most desperate depraved ways.

And yet asexuals, often conveniently overlook and deny other peoples needs. With the simple cop out that ... since not everything is about sex, so why can't nothing be about sex?

Look I do the best I can. I have a transient career that doesn't exactly lend itself to long term monogamy. It looks like I'll be leaving Seattle sooner than I want to be. Am I upfront about the girls I date and my expectations? I say, sure I believe in monogomy, but I'm gone in a few years ... and I'm in no rush to create a life with someone unless it's damn well worth it. Some people are weirded out by this ... but I can live with myself because I skim away those partners that would be needlessly devistated.

Same fricken thing.
Posted by former tri-state]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 20:23:22 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> I'm with the people saying you were being harsh and offensive... It sounded more like an insult than an honest opinion, concerning the guy. Not to mention your condescending attitude.

Um... how long have you been reading this paper and this man's column? This is how Dan rolls, and everyone's been fairly happy with it for a couple decades.
Posted by Gomez]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:31:32 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Sure, some of you say they were aware that they were never really interested in sex and thus should have said so, but, just like the people here that deny that they can truly be uninterested, people tend to assume that the minds of others work like their own. Many asexual people do not realize they are different and just think that others have and talk about sex so much for the same reasons many people take up smoking - it is encouraged by the current culture. I know I never really realized my feelings were unusual until university.

A reason that having a visible community is important, in addition to making asexuals feel less alone, is that it can prevent situations like this, where sexual and asexual people unwittingly end up together. Because, while it seems to have worked out in this case, it often doesn't, and a person cannot be "honest up front" about how they feel without knowing that how they feel is different from the norm and that there are words to describe it.
Posted by shaed]]> Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:21:56 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Two of them involved sex, including the lead up, actual, and post moments. One was with my current girlfriend and was an extreme positive. The other was an incredibly sad moment where, foolishly, I had sex one last time with my girlfriend of two years whol I had just dumped; the hurt in her face remains an image burned into my mind for the rest of my life. Opposite sides of the spectrum and both very significant in my emotional development.

I'm a 26 year old males if that makes a difference, and a big believer in monogamy (at least for the first few formulative years).


Posted by justicekid_2013]]> Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:33:53 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Sex and romance are not the same thing. I would consider myself 'asexual'. I have no desire to have sex with anyone, never have, never will as far as I can tell. I am physically normal, I'm sure I could have sex if I had any desire to do so. Asexuals do exist...don't think just because you can't imagine it that it must not be true.

It's a strange idea to think that love can't exist without sex. Perhaps there is some 'true love' that I just can't experience because I'm not having sex with anyone, but please give us the benefit of the doubt. I know a straight couple who can't have sex for physical reasons, they have never had sex (not for lack of trying) yet they have been together for a long time and seem happy to me. I know a gay couple who rarely have sex because they both prefer to be dominant during sex. According to the guidelines of some people on here-these relationships are dysfunctional and there can't possibly be love. To me, both relationships seem serious and loving. Sex isn't everything even in relationships of people who aren't asexual.

As for the person who said asexuality is a new excuse for gay men to stay closeted longer; why the hell would someone who is trying to not be 'abnormal' and to conceal his true sexuality claim to be a part of some bizarrely small sexual minority? That just draws attention to the fact, much easier to say "I haven't found the right person."

'Asexuality' is real. I'm surprised at the number of people in the queer community who claim it's not legitimate, by using the same arguments that I'm sure a lot of you have heard yourselves. "You'll grow out of it." "You just haven't found the right person yet."

And why have a group? So people know they are not alone. I grew up the way I am and I had no idea that any other people felt this way. I felt like I was the only person in the world like this, everyone around me telling me that I was confused, sick, or unnatural. Imagine being gay and not being aware that anyone else in the world is gay, not even knowing that there is something like that. That's what I felt like until I met another person like me, and eventually I found out about AVEN, and realized that I was not alone and that there was nothing wrong with me. So PLEASE, consider the matter well before you tell me that I am confused, can't feel love, or am masochistically depriving myself of sex for no reason.
Posted by RebelWithoutASauce]]> Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:05:55 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by djdj]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 20:36:15 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
It was a bad response.
Posted by Cory]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:26:46 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
@50's friend is displaying exactly the kind of behavior that Dan was objecting to in asexuals.

Bottom line for me is: Sex comes standard in romantic relationships. If you want to order a model without it, then you have to do it upfront. Hiding the fact that you don't want to fuck someone that you otherwise want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend is dishonest, hurtful and selfish.

To all of you who are saying "it's fine to have relationships without sex" -- of course it is. So long as it's what everyone in the relationship signed up for.
Posted by Morrolan]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:28:25 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by Jen D]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:08:45 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
For what it's worth, I think those courses were called Women's Studies in the 90s. They changed to Gender Studies because no dept. was about to fully fund Gay and Lesbian Studies (or LDBT Studies), so the Women's Studies professors agreed to incorporate them, thus making a name change necessary. Which kind of speaks well of the Women's Studies people. At least this is what I saw happen at my universities.
Posted by jade]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:58:27 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by DCXopher]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:38:34 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
It doesn't affect you, why do you care?


It affects those in the relationship. And any of us could end up in one if the person we're dating isn't honest upfront. That's all I think any of us are saying here.
Posted by jade]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:26:53 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by kim in portland]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:53:32 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by try moving on, the rest of us have]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:50:17 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>

Posted by Loveschild]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:34:58 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by kim in portland]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:21:16 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
You might wanna consider Welbutrin. It's a different class of anti-depressant (works on dopamine/norepi more than serotonin) and has no sexual side effects.

As far as the letter, I think we have to take people at their word regarding their sexuality. I do wonder, though, how many closeted/religiously-indoctrinated gays claim to be -- and TRY to be -- asexual in order to avoid the reality of their preferences. Reason #9875801 to be out: closet cases destroy the credibility of the groups that they are pretending to belong to.
Posted by Violet_DaGrinder]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:10:41 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by Theo Magyar]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:10:31 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by Loveschild]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 10:02:54 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]> Posted by Greg]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 09:33:08 -0700 The Stranger <![CDATA[Re: Savage Love Letter of the Day]]>
Sure, you can ask me a question. I'll do my best to answer it.
Posted by kim in portland]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 09:25:40 -0700 The Stranger