http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/01/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-pop-a-cap Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: Pop a Cap by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Tue, 18 Jun 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Tue, 18 Jun 2013 13:00:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Posted by aureolaborealis]]> Wed, 30 Jan 2013 12:16:20 -0800 The Stranger Posted by it's not hard to figure out discretion]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 19:21:06 -0800 The Stranger thinks you're thinking it.
Posted by aureolaborealis]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 17:22:16 -0800 The Stranger
This means that a shoe fetishist who experiences twinges of arousal at the sight of all the feet in shoes on the commuter train is literally raping all of them. Even if he isn't leering, drooling, whipping it out, or being noticeable in any way, what makes it rape or not is entirely dependent on what is going on inside the perpetrator's head.

1984 just called. They want their thoughtcrime back.
Posted by avast2006]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 16:26:08 -0800 The Stranger Posted by aureolaborealis]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 15:59:55 -0800 The Stranger Posted by there's a difference of consideration]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 13:47:23 -0800 The Stranger Posted by aureolaborealis]]> Tue, 29 Jan 2013 11:18:23 -0800 The Stranger I think you've got a good point. I think we all get better at using body language to avoid having unpleasant interactions with strangers as we get older. Gray hair in itself is unnecessary; it's the change in posture, attitude, confidence, understanding of what is worth a confrontation (of whatever nature) over. I further think that based on our maybe unconsciously arrived at looks, we draw different kinds of unwelcome interactions.
Posted by nocutename]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 14:25:11 -0800 The Stranger
If the pool is in a community complex, where it's open to the sky, then some people go there to swim laps and exercise but other people go there to read in the sun and relax and other people go there to be looked at.

Basic, doesn't-always-work rule of thumb: If the pool requires swim caps, then it's probably not a go-there-to-be-looked-at pool. Swim caps make most people look like giant thumbs. The LW is there for the swim caps, and he keeps mentioning exercise, so this is probably a gym and not a community pool.
Posted by DRF]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 10:42:16 -0800 The Stranger Interesting question (so weird about your friend). All of my incidents happened in my teens through early 20s when I rode the bus all the time, including late at night. I just figured "that's life in the big city", but maybe it was my vibe, or that my vibe that had particular meaning to black kids, because it was black kids that fucked with me in every case.

Once when I was about 17, a black kid sat down next to me, told me I looked like I was tough, and tried to convince me (in a weirdly friendly way) to fight him. I declined, and he didn't force the issue. Maybe there's some insight there.

As I've grown older, I've become much more aware of my body language when encountering people who seem like they might mean me harm. Neutral eye contract, awareness of them and the situation (i.e. you won't take me by surprise), keep walking and ignore any questions/comments, shoulders back. Also, since having kids, I'm no longer frightened of these encounters - it's no longer about me, it's about my kids, which changes the mental calculus in a way that makes things matter-of-fact and takes the pressure off-- do what you need to do, fight or flight, to avoid or get out of this. Since my younger days, I've managed to deescalate a couple of situations and (I think) avoid numerous others.
Posted by seandr]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 10:03:56 -0800 The Stranger Posted by alguna_rubia]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 09:19:48 -0800 The Stranger I wonder why some people seem to be magnets for certain types of behavior and others for other types of behavior?
I have a friend who seems to attract every angry person in the state. She is the recipient of so much out-of-the-blue hostility it's hard to believe. I used to think she was doing something to encourage it or that she was somehow the instigator, but I've been with her and seen it happen: arbitrary and bizarre.
Alice Bradley obviously has a magnet that draws creeps to her who are creepily sexual. But it's not just her youth. I polled my friends last night after reading her blog, and while all of us middle-aged women have an experience here or there commensurate with hers, none of the dozen or so (I know: not a large sample, but still) had had so many,no matter how young and not-gray our hair was.
I myself seem to have a magnet for attracting old, lonely, generally foreign people, who come up to me and begin to talk. I have a difficult time extricating myself from them, which I realize is my own fault/problem/solicitousness, but they couldn't know that before they start, yet for some reason they seem drawn to me.

I wonder what kind of subliminal, subconscious, unintentional signals we are all sending out, and if we can change them by force of will.
Posted by nocutename]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 07:31:44 -0800 The Stranger Posted by people lack tact]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 06:21:19 -0800 The Stranger
In French swimming pools, females do check males out as much as males check females out. It's only noticeable when the onlookers are a pair of teenagers : much giggling ensues. But everyone either swims, or checks out others while getting a rest.

Why not ? It's harmless fun - and it never goes further than looking and smiling. Except among teenagers, who are pretty horny beasts (girls and boys alike) - they might go to the daring length of attempting to start a conversation. Swimming pools can be a nice place to meet others, for teenagers.
Posted by sissoucat]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 03:25:07 -0800 The Stranger
On the other hand, it was just as easy to differentiate between creepy and non-creepy attention as it is anywhere else in the world. Thankfully, I didn't get a lot of the former.
Posted by 5ht]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 02:37:16 -0800 The Stranger Posted by 5ht]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 02:24:26 -0800 The Stranger I thought that was one of the few places where you go to exercise, to look at and to be looked at. Nothing wrong in people admiring your shape...
Posted by sissoucat]]> Mon, 28 Jan 2013 00:56:58 -0800 The Stranger
A couple of comments:
1) Women aren't the only targets of harassment on public transportation. I've been robbed, punched, spat on, had a knife pulled on me, and one time, upon standing up to confront some mouthy little shit, suddenly found myself surrounded by teens all pushing and hitting me and yelling horseshit in my face. I'd happily trade in those experiences for the pathetic masturbators she's had to endure on the subway. Google "Joseph Skillings" - his story captures the different things that men and women have to fear from the assholes in this world.

2) One needn't choose between being attractive and being respected. Women can and do have both.
Posted by seandr]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 23:18:53 -0800 The Stranger
http://finslippy.squarespace.com/blog/on…

Posted by citrine]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 19:49:42 -0800 The Stranger Posted by EricaP]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 19:49:03 -0800 The Stranger

Posted by Zbot]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:30:25 -0800 The Stranger
The point I was trying to make, admittedly an example far outside what the LW indicated,
there are the realities of sexual attraction (you like what you like, when you see what you like it can be difficult to pretend that it is any thing otherwise) and then being a decent human being. Either the distinction is lost on some, or they simply can't be bothered.

And how men hit on women isn't really what the discussion is about, it's how they indicate attraction in instances when there is no intention of approach, such as the LW who gets off on women in swim caps but has a girlfriend at home. The difference between "noticing" and "leering" really isn't all that hard to make. When I check out dudes (as a married woman who has no intention of hitting on men I might find attractive on the street or in the gym) I try to be pretty damn discrete about it, if for no other reason than to avoid misunderstanding.


Posted by Zbot]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:18:40 -0800 The Stranger
@nocutename, that's awful. My condolences, and I hope it's something you and your daughter have been able to work through.
Posted by LateBloomer]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 16:55:56 -0800 The Stranger
For me, this is a big tangle. On one hand, I subscribe to the "what's it to you/no skin off your teeth, even if you're not interested" school of thought. I don't even think it is a problem if I am able to discern someone's sexual interest, so long as he behaves respectfully, by which I mean, not that he doesn't make his lust apparent, but that he doesn't act on that lust: he doesn't harass me or try to hit on me repeatedly, or make obnoxious comments. To get bent out of shape because someone I don't find attractive is ogling me seems awfully sensitive and a bit absurd.
But on the other hand, there are creeps in the world, and sometimes you know one when you see one, and even more so when you are being stared at by one.

Often, however, the issue is when to get alarmed and what form that alarm should take.

One of the sexiest moments I've ever replayed in my head was when a man walking down the street in the company of another man and two women (presumably their wives) gave me a long up-and-down appraisal as we passed each other. He stared longer than was polite--leered, really-- yet said nothing, and kept walking. It was clear he wasn't going to hit on my repeatedly, refusing to take no for an answer, and it felt equally clear that he wasn't going to be lying in wait for me later in a dark alley.

I didn't find him attractive; he didn't hide his attraction. Not only was it not harmful to me, but I found it somewhat erotic. Even if I hadn't, it did me no harm, just as it does me no harm if someone I am uninterested in stares at my ass if he's behind me in an exercise class and I'm wearing spandex-enhanced clothing. As long as I don't get a feeling that he's going to do me actual harm, what do I care if he looks at me (are his eyes capable of burning me like acid?) or if I am pretty sure that he will be thinking of me when he jerks off later? How am I harmed?

That's leering, but I don't consider it creepy. Creepy is different. Creepy means something has set off the warning bells in my mind that something violent may occur. This may or may not coincide with a salacious look.

Years ago, a young man started working for the business that was run out of the house next door. He stared at me in a way that was a leer with a creepy edge to it, but he never interacted with me. I told my boyfriend that he was creepy in the way that he stared, and bf said something along the lines of "oh, he just thinks you're hot." I told him that while that might have been all that it was, he made me uncomfortable--and I could pin down exactly why that was: it was because he never smiled, never replied to my "hi" when I offered it in an effort to be neighborly. He just stared, and his stare was kind of cold.

Now, although I called him a creep, I didn't think he was actually dangerous. But his staring felt wrong; it felt different than simply the leer of a man I was uninterested in. 5 years later, as my daughters and I slept in our home, he broke in through my teenage daughter's window, choked and violently raped her.

When I called my by then ex-boyfriend to tell him, he said, "wasn't that the guy who always stared at you and creeped you out?"

So I don't know what to do with this. What could/should I have done? Staring at someone and not responding to a friendly hello is not a criminal offense. But part of me could tell that something was off.

The thing is that not every stare from a man I am not attracted to leads to violent crime--most do not.

And for every leering guy who turns out to be perfectly safe to be around, there is a polite, chivarlrous-seeming Ted Bundy, too.

Posted by nocutename]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 16:18:41 -0800 The Stranger Posted by EricaP]]> Sun, 27 Jan 2013 15:44:53 -0800 The Stranger