http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/01/09/sl-letter-of-the-day-a-hopeful-thank-you-note Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: A Hopeful Thank-You Note by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Wed, 22 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Wed, 22 May 2013 09:30:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss
Speaking *as a parent,* I believe that my (gay) 13 year old daughter is entitled to privacy. As it happens, she is very open with me, so I'm pretty clear on what she is (and is not) up to. But teens have a right to privacy about their romantic and private lives just as adults do: they are not *obligated* to tell us parents anything on that level, and it would be unreasonable for us to expect it, though I do welcome it when she chooses to share.

I also think it's self-deluding for any parent to believe that their teen tells them 'everything:' it's possible, but unlikely.

Also, while it may be alienating for a teen to live at home and not be out of the closet, it would be a whole lot more alienating to live at home with parents who disapprove of and are disappointed in you (and make sure you know it and feel it) not because you have done anything wrong, but for their own philosophical reasons. It has been distressing and alienating enough for me to come out to my parents as bi as an adult. I cannot imagine how painful and uncomfortable it would be for a teen who has nowhere else to go, even if said disapproving parents are not actually abusive.

Teens are at a time of life when they are developing independence and learning to go it alone, including making their own decisions. While I want my teen to benefit from my experiences, and hope that she will come to me or her dad to talk things through, I also recognise that I am not the same person as her, so I do not necessarily know what is best for her on a romantic level. I also think that she is more likely to come to either of us when she has a problem precisely *because* she knows that we respect her and her autonomy as an individual.
Posted by Megaera]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 11:35:04 -0800 The Stranger
I'm not gay and my parents weren't over-the-wall conservatives, in fact they were liberal democrats. But my parents still threw me out of the house at 18 when they discovered I wasn't a virgin [this was 35+ years ago]. I managed to land on my feet, but I've had self-esteem and depression issues all my life. It is terrible thing to discover that your parents' love is conditional. It was also hypocritical because my parents encouraged my brothers to screw around before marriage.

Don't think of it as lying to the parents. Parents have the right NOT to know what their kids are up to sexually, especialy if it would upset them. So right now the fact that COS is gay falls in the category of "Too Much Information". Only COS will know when it is finally time to make the reveal - probably about the time he has a steady boyfriend that he wants to be open about.
Posted by Schweighsr]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 09:38:47 -0800 The Stranger Posted by abrock_ca]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 08:57:43 -0800 The Stranger
I don't even see where "lying" plays into this. What's wrong with good ol' not saying anything? That's what I did when I was growing up; I think my parents suspected--I think asking them if I could have ballet lessons when I was seven years old may have tipped them off--but that's not the same thing as rubbing their noses in it.

Of course, if it comes down to it, I support lying as opposed to putting one's home and life at risk.
Posted by Mike_in_Houston]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 08:35:44 -0800 The Stranger
I don't even see where "lying" plays into this. What's wrong with good ol' not saying anything? That's what I did when I was growing up; I think my parents suspected--I think asking them if I could have ballet lessons when I was seven years old may have tipped them off--but that's not the same thing as rubbing their noses in it.

Of course, if it comes down to it, I support lying as opposed to putting one's home and life at risk.
Posted by Mike_in_Houston]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 08:15:51 -0800 The Stranger Posted by gnot]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 07:05:40 -0800 The Stranger Posted by smajor82]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 06:03:20 -0800 The Stranger
I'm a mother of a gay son, and he is not any different then my 3 other straight sons. My husband & I would fight for all 4 of those boys, our love for them is unconditional, but sadly all parents don't feel that way.

My son's boyfriend's parents are very difficult, and in my opinion they are mentally abusive & do not understand (or want to) his being gay is not a choice. For the last 3 months of their Sr. year in High School, I worried about him constantly! When they found out he was gay, they greeted him with, " you know your going to hell" made him go to a therapist, who luckily was a good man & told him & his parents there was nothing wrong with being gay. These parents, didn't and still don't think its ok to be gay, and have not tried to evolve on this at all! I'm glad he's now in college & has some freedom, but while home for semester break, he's spent almost every day at our home, because my son is not welcome at his. We love this kid, and we've been so saddened to see first hand how parents can treat their own children.

COS, It does get better, but listen to Dan, stay safe, and if that means delaying when you come out, that's fine, you know your family better than anyone & hopefully when you do come out, they will support you!
Posted by 4boys4us]]> Thu, 10 Jan 2013 05:24:04 -0800 The Stranger
Stay in the closet until you don't need financial support anymore. If you need to lie to your parents, lie. Your physical safety is what's important now.
Posted by sarah70]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 22:57:59 -0800 The Stranger
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/slacktivist…


Posted by Fnarf]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 22:41:37 -0800 The Stranger Posted by john t]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 20:04:53 -0800 The Stranger
We're not talking about parenting decisions or the ability of adults in general to make wise(r) decisions. This isn't about drinking, drug-taking, unprotected sex and a whole lot of other risky behaviours that youth engage in without sufficient thought of consequences. Nor is it about the idealized concept of teens having a close relationship with their parents.

What does a parenting decision have to do with the issue of coming out? Do parents have the right to override their children's expression of their authentic selves, whether the objection is a nonchalant yet dismissive "Oh, you're not really that way - it's just a phase you're going through" all the way to "You're no child of mine and you're going straight to hell"?

Speaking of the latter response, do you remember the grotesque It Gets Worse campaign (the hate-filled, disgusting mirror to Dan's) where fundies were encouraging gay kids to kill themselves? Why do you think Dan even started the IGBP if it weren't for the heartbreaking stories of kids who were committing suicide because they were LGBT and couldn't handle the loneliness, let alone being bullied and not having anyone to turn to for support ... ESPECIALLY THEIR FAMILIES.

You ask for statistics which someone above already provided. Well, I'll give you MY answer: When it comes to the possibility of mental anguish or physical danger to someone coming out as a minor/dependent (or exposed by accident), ONE is too many.

Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck)]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 19:50:36 -0800 The Stranger
COS, best of luck to you! I hope your family proves to be loving and supportive, when you feel ready to come out to them.
Posted by Trinabeana]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 19:39:32 -0800 The Stranger
@Coming Out Soon: Listen to Dan, not beccoid. Have a backup plan and a support system. With luck you won't need them, but it's better to be prepared.
Posted by dlauri]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:59:23 -0800 The Stranger
For so many people, just going along with program without asking too many questions is easiest path, so they follow it without ever seeing all the wonderful possibilities they missed.
Posted by seandr]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:23:55 -0800 The Stranger
So COS, take Dan's advice, it's absolutely spot on. And believe me, it does get a whole lot better.
Posted by Ricardo]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:10:58 -0800 The Stranger
If there's any clue that kicking him out could potentially be their reaction, he needs to keep that a secret until the threat is gone.
Posted by mtnlion]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:04:46 -0800 The Stranger Posted by 14thblackbird]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:45:13 -0800 The Stranger
That's a straw man. What Dan said was: "if you think they'll throw you out of the house or deny you financial support for college that they otherwise would've provided—wait to come out to them until you're in a safe place."

Dan's not assuming all religious or conservative parents would do that. But he thinks COS has more information to guess how his own parents would react than any of the rest of us, and he bears all the risk if he guesses wrong -- so it's his decision to make, not ours. (COS can test the waters by discussing generic other teens who came out to their parents, and see how his parents react to that hypothetical situation. Isn't that what After School Specials are designed for?)
Posted by EricaP]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:43:42 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Ms. D]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:43:04 -0800 The Stranger http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/07/12…
Posted by BEG]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:19:05 -0800 The Stranger
I'm sure it would be interesting & cause for good discussion. However, the practical reality is that there are enough parents who will willingly put their children in grave physical & emotional danger simply because they are LGBT for it to be a primary concern. I would tend to agree w/ you that society as a whole would be better off w/ more honesty, but I think it is highly irresponsible to counsel individuals based on ideals rather than immediate practicality. The former is the position that religious nutjobs operate from. The latter is where empathic, common sense people operate.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:17:25 -0800 The Stranger
If it was me, I would skirt the issue until I had reasonable alternatives, just in case. And, if I was in college, and depending on the parents for help paying for it, I might just not tell them until after graduation, if I was worried about their reaction.
Posted by SeattleKim]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:07:30 -0800 The Stranger
My condolences on the loss of your dad. And, how wonderful that you could hear how proud he was of you.

Take care.
k
Posted by kim in portland]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:04:48 -0800 The Stranger
Continue studying on your own too. Critical thinking is a powerful gift. You might find the story of Mel White a former ghostwriter for Jerry Falwell, Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, and friend of James Dobson until he came out as a gay man, and later founder of Soulforce an encouraging person to research.
Posted by kim in portland]]> Wed, 09 Jan 2013 17:01:02 -0800 The Stranger