The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper: Dan Savage

SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Think...

Dan Savage — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:55:06 -0700

I am a bisexual woman in my early 30s and am currently in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful woman with whom I am living together. I love her very much and although we have been dating for less than a year, I am pretty convinced that I want to be married to her.

Our sex life is great—quite vanilla (especially compared to the kind of letters you receive) but nonetheless, deeply satisfying. However, there is one problem: sometimes when I am on the edge of getting an orgasm, I think of gay men having sex. Specifically, I think of myself as a gay man f*cking another guy in the ass. And that, without fail, will make me come. I have never thought of myself as a man or have any intentions to be one. I also have no desire to sleep with anyone but her. I recall you mentioned before that we are all free to think of what we like when having sex, but this is really bothering me. Am I cheating on my partner by thinking of something/someone else, other than her, when I am getting laid by her?

Gay Sex Is Hot

My response after the jump...

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Nope.

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SL Letter of the Day: The Tell-Tale Handjob

Dan Savage — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 16:17:47 -0700

My wife of 10 years and I have a great relationship. We make each other laugh, love to go out together when work/parenting schedules allow and have a fun sex life which includes experimentation and fantasy. While we've talked in the past about swinging and threesomes, one of the fantasy subjects recently coming up, at my choosing, has been her being with another man alone. I've been encouraging her to tell me if she ever gets attention from another man and we've talked about when things have turned her on in the past. I've always been careful to let her know that she can feel comfortable telling me these things and not throw them up in her face afterwards.

A few weeks back while fooling around she told me that shortly after we were married, and prior to my bringing up her alone with another man, that she had grabbed her trainer's dick once for a split second and pretended it was an accident. She said he was very flirtatious and "hands-on" while showing which muscle groups were being worked and she just got hot and grabbed him. I was turned on and, surprisingly, not that bothered by it.

This past weekend during sex I told her that had really turned me on. She then haltingly revealed to me that she had not only grabbed him that time, but jerked him off over his shorts for five minutes or so until he came. While I was incredibly turned on while this was going on, I felt sick afterwards. I haven't said anything to her about it since that night but I feel betrayed and cheated on, and that she stepped way over the line. I love this woman and trusted her deeply, but this has really shaken me.

How Do I Make Sense Of This?

My response after the jump...

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You can be sick about this (hopefully) isolated handjob, HDIMSOT, or you can backdate your okay to mess around with another man to cover this handjob. Choose the former and you may wreck your marriage, choose the latter—even if you have to will yourself to choose it, even if you have to fake it until you feel it—and you may save your marriage.

I'd pick the latter if I were you.

Seeing as you drew you wife out on the topic of messing around with another man, and seeing as you gave her nothing but positive feedback before, during, and after the revelation that she had previously—just that one time—kindasorta messed around with another man, your wife is likely feel violated if you turn around now and tell her that you're upset that handjob. Because if your wife is a halfway decent person, HDIMSOT, she probably spent the last decade feeling guilty about that impulsive handjob. Then you started fantasizing about her messing around with another man and suddenly she safe disclosing that long-ago-and-oh-so-far-away handjob. And hearing about it got you off! If you turn around now and tell her that the revelation made you feel sick—but only after you blew your load—she's going to feel like you tricked her into revealing something she had successfully stuffed down the memory hole a decade ago.

Grant her retroactive permission, HDIMSOT, but open up to her about your complicated, post-orgasmic feelings about that one handjob. They may be a sign that her actually messing around with another man is a bad idea. Fine as a fantasy, not something you can handle in real life. And if she has messed around with another man already—or if things went even farther with her personal trainer than she's let on—she needs to know to leave those experiences in the memory hole.

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Youth Pastor Watch

Dan Savage — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 11:42:16 -0700

OHIO: "A woman who was sexually assaulted by a youth pastor when she was 15 years old has filed a lawsuit against the church that employed the pastor.... The victim and her father filed the lawsuit against Delaware Grace Brethren Church. The church is accused of hiring, and continuing to employ, Brian L. Williams as a youth pastor knowing he was an accused sexual aggressor... According to court documents, the juvenile victim was receiving counseling from Williams at Sunbury Grace Brethren Church on March 6, 2008. During the counseling, the teen says she was raped and forced to perform sexual acts with Williams."

GEORGIA: "Kevin Hickey, a Norcross man who was formerly employed as the director of Parish Outreach for Life Teen International in Atlanta, has been arrested on a federal complaint charging him with distributing and possessing child pornography. According to a news release from the U.S. Attorney’s Public Affairs Office, Hickey shared the pornography during an online communication monitored by federal agents... [He] allegedly said that he was watching 'perving vids' and then shared a pornographic video depicting prepubescent males being sodomized by an adult male. 'Hickey further displayed photographs of children he took surreptitiously in public places and was heard gratifying himself sexually during the online conversation,' says the release."

KANSAS: "A former Topeka Church leader charged with child sex crimes is back in court Monday. A motions hearing for Hugh Cranford, 32, will get underway at 10 a.m. Monday morning. Cranford faces two counts of aggravated indecent liberties with a child and lewd fondling. He was in training to be a pastor, and was a youth minister at Faith Lutheran Church at 17th and Gage in Topeka."

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Dan Savage and Ari Shapiro in Conversation at Town Hall

Dan Savage — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 14:25:05 -0700

Ari Shapiro, NPR's White House Correspondent, will be interviewing me about my new book this Sunday night at 7 PM at Town Hall in Seattle. We'll wind up talking about more than just American Savage—I have some questions for Ari about covering the Romney campaign for NPR—and it's sure to be an interesting conversation. There will be time for some Q&A and I'll be signing books after the talk.

Tickets for the event are $10. A small number of VIP tickets are still available. The $50 VIP ticket includes reserved seating and a pre-show reception where you can meet and talk with me and with Ari. There will be drinks from Rachel's Ginger Beer, sushi from Octo Sushi, and the VIP ticket price includes a copy of American Savage. The VIP reception starts at 6:00 PM.

Tickets and more info here.

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WSJ Asks: If I Could Require One Person to Read American Savage, Who Would It Be and Why?

Dan Savage — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 12:18:59 -0700

Who and why probably won't surprise anyone.

Buy my new book—and, hey, come to the book reading/signing/talking event in Seattle on Sunday!

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SLLOTD: Campus Drama

Dan Savage — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 13:46:00 -0700

Dan Savage is on a book tour, so please enjoy this Savage Love letter from our archives. And buy his new book, American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics! This letter was originally published Dec 1, 2005:

My boyfriend, Jason, is having problems with a boy named Roger who is obsessed with him. But because Roger is friends with Jason and Jason's friends, Jason won't just tell him off. Roger had the audacity to call Jason today and ask about our sex life. Roger is not only making Jason's life hell, but he is also making their shared friends' lives hell. On top of it all, Roger called Jason's ex, Cody, and told him about me. Cody is a very sweet boy and does not need Roger making him feel like shit because Jason is dating someone new.

I don't want to get in the middle of this. I just want to know if you have any ideas I can relay to Jason as to what to do about Roger?

Really Mean Friend

My response after the jump...

Ah, college drama.

Your letter really took me back, RMF. When I was a freshman in college and dating Ricky, a sophomore, I was also fucking Randy, a senior, at the same time. Randy knew about Ricky, but Ricky didn't know about Randy. Are you with me? The fact that Randy had another boyfriend, a grad student also named Ricky, didn't really bother me because I was cheating too, you know? So everything was cool and I was getting laid like crazy. But then my Ricky found out about Randy and Randy's Ricky found out about me and we were all convinced that the world was coming to an end. But we were wrong. The sun kept coming up, RMF, and we quickly realized that we were just a bunch of silly faggots with too much time on our hands and too much cock in our mouths.

Which brings me to you and Jason and Roger and Cody.

Your desire to make Roger the villain in this little drama is understandable. You're dating Jason, and you don't want to think ill of him. But Jason is the problem here, RMF, not Roger. While Roger sounds like a deluded asshole, it's Jason's reluctance to tell Roger to fuck off that's keeping this drama alive. Roger is creepy and obsessed and he makes Jason's current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend uncomfortable—so why exactly does Jason maintain a friendship with Roger? Because Jason enjoys being the lead in the Jason/RMF/Roger/Cody show, just as I enjoyed being the lead of the Danny/Ricky/Ricky/Randy show. Just the fact that you wrote this letter, not Jason, speaks volumes.

So what do you do? You let Jason know that he needs to tell Roger to fuck off or you're through. And if you're looking for someone to date, well, Cody sounds like a sweetheart.

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SLLOTD: Blessed be the Ties that Bind

Dan Savage — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 16:44:00 -0700

My girlfriend, 22 and Christian, likes to be tied up. She's into anime-style Japanese bondage porn and she wants me to do that incredibly complicated rope bondage. I've looked at some pictures—she has thousands of them that she's been downloading and saving on her computer since she was a teenager—but I can't make it happen. I'm the first boy she's ever told about her fetish and I don't want to disappoint her. Where does a nice boy like me go to learn how to truss up a nice girl like her in the style of Japanese bondage porn?

Blessed Be The Ties That Bind

My response after the jump...

"Rope bondage is a great way to create a sensual connection with your partner," says Monk, the brains behind www.twistedmonk.com, which sells high-quality, multi-colored hemp rope to bondage enthusiasts. "It does, however, take time and practice."

The first thing Monk wants you and your girlfriend to bear in mind is that a lot of the bondage in Japanese anime isn't practical—not even the bondage shown in actual photos of actual tied-up people. "They intricately tie a woman up," says Monk, "hoist her in the air for the few minutes it takes to snap the photo, and then immediately bring her down and out of the rope."

Your first assignment from Monk isn't a bondage session but a bondage conversation. "Ask your girlfriend what about being tied up turns her crank," says Monk. "Is it the act of being restrained? The sense of helplessness? Or is she getting high from the endorphins produced by stressful rope?" Once you have a better idea what she's after, "get your hands on some practical instruction. Midori's The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage is always a great place to start. Also, if you live in the Pacific Northwest, check out the monthly bondage classes taught by Max at bondagelessons.com."

And get some decent rope! "That coil from Home Depot is just not going to cut it," says Monk. "It won't hold knots as well, it will burn her skin if it's used incorrectly, and it's generally harder to work with than Whitney Houston at an NA meeting. Hemp rope, on the other hand, when properly treated, holds knots well and is strong yet soft. Hemp rope is the traditional rope used in Asian bondage and most rope sluts will agree that it feels the best against exposed skin."

Hey, did I mention that Monk sells hemp rope? He does: www.twistedmonk.com.

Finally, Monk suggests you set aside some time for low-stakes practice sessions. "Try some stuff out when you're not emotionally invested in the outcome of the bondage," said Monk. "Start small, experiment, have her give you feedback as to how it feels… Where does it hurt? Is this a good thing or a bad thing for her? Practice will allow you to feel more confident doing this in the heat of actual play."

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Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Dyke Drama by Dan Savage

I'm a 27-year-old bisexual chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her very much, and this is a great relationship—hot sex, laughs, good conversation. Here's the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. We've talked about it a lot—you know how dykes are—and I've been up front with her from the beginning. I'm responsible and successful, and I don't smoke that often. But I don't like feeling guilty. I'm afraid we're reaching an impasse on this issue. I've considered banishing pot from my life, but I know that some part of me would always resent her for not letting me be who I am. To her credit, she doesn't want me to stop smoking, but she gets angry and blames herself for the whole problem. I feel like I'm asking her to change a pretty fundamental belief and I don't know how fair that is. Basically, I need some perspective. Am I being an asshole?

Distraught Kentucky Dyke

What is it about lesbianism—even in cases of lesbian-identified bi chicks—that renders a person incapable of taking yes for an answer? (Or maybe it's cunnilingus? Does Michael Douglas have the same problem?) Your girlfriend isn't asking you to stop smoking pot, she recognizes that she's the one in this relationship with a drug problem, and over time (it's only been 10 months!) she'll probably get over these OMFG-my-girlfriend-smokes-pot panic attacks. She's giving you a great big yes, DKD, and I think you should take it. But if you insist on viewing this as a problem that must be solved—if you insist on being a couple of cliché lesbians who feel they have to operate their relationship on the consensus model, or else someone is being oppressed—then this issue will be an endless source of anxiety and drama. Better to agree to disagree, smoke when the girlfriend isn't around, and remember to return the favor when the time comes, i.e., agree to let her enjoy something that you don't without pitching fits about it.

I'm a lost little lesbian. I have been with my partner for the past four years. She's 27 and I'm 26. These have been four magical years. We love each other, our parents are happy for us, and we make a great team. My girlfriend deployed to Afghanistan, and I was an angel for the first four months of her deployment. But then I hit a rocky spot. After an argument on Skype, I went to confide in a friend—seriously, confide, that was it. My friend and I cooked dinner, drank, and chatted. The next thing I knew, it was 5 a.m. and I was on the couch half-dressed. I never told my girlfriend. Part of me wanted to, but the moment she got off the plane and dropped to one knee, I knew I'd be keeping my indiscretion a secret. Seven months after my first slipup, we found out that she'd be leaving again. During her second deployment, I ended up out on the town with friends and was heavily intoxicated. Cutting to the chase: I slept with a random person. I did the same thing again five months later. So I have cheated three times. None of these people meant anything to me. My girlfriend is back, and this is the happiest I've ever seen her. We are planning a wedding, and I can't bring myself to break her heart. Many nights I find it impossible to sleep. I have identified that drinking is a major problem and I am finished with it. I know that the things I have done will never happen again, and I want to spare her that hurt. How do I get past all the mistakes I've made so that I can love her the way she deserves to be loved?

Army Wife In Training

By giving yourself a break, AWIT. You were drunk, you were lonely, and you were unmarried. Okay, you weren't exactly single at the time, it's true, and you did a shitty thing... and another shitty thing... and another shitty thing. You can look on those three shitty things as unforgivable betrayals (and as prologue), or you can look at them as important life lessons you learned before making a formal and (hopefully) final commitment to your fiancée. Resolve to stay away from booze, go get tested for STIs, and stuff those ill-advised, booze-soaked, pre-exchange-of-vows experiences down the memory hole.

My girlfriend of one month is a professional dominant. I was okay with it because I assumed all her clients were men. (We are lesbians.) It turns out that three different straight couples are regular clients. I feel she should have proactively disclosed this information to me. Can I insist that she stop seeing male/female couples?

The Only Woman In Her Life

You can insist on anything you like, TOWIHL, and then your girlfriend can decide whether she's willing to sacrifice six established clients for a controlling, insecure girlfriend that she's only known for a month. Since building a regular clientele represents financial and physical safety to many sex workers, your new girlfriend is unlikely to choose you. So brace yourself for the dump that's very likely coming your way.

Hi there, faggot! Whiny dyke here! I'm queer and mostly into women, but with a severe attraction to one particular guy. We're close friends and hang out all the time. He's great. A few weeks ago, he came back to my place and we made out for 15 minutes before he said that he's not really attracted to me. We made out a little more. A few days later, he told me again that he's not physically attracted to me. We have always been really touchy, we're shirtless around each other a lot, and I'm struggling to believe him when he says he's not physically attracted to me. How do you make out with someone you don't find physically attractive? Further developments: There have been two recent instances in which he moved in on a woman I had expressed an interest in. I told him off about this, and he said he won't do it again, but doesn't that say something about him? Is there some kind of combo of competition, subconsciously trying to keep me unlaid, or voodoo connection? Am I just being paranoid?

Wants Hetero Affections Tamed

This guy sounds like a narcissistic douchebag who enjoys toying with people who are attracted to him. He sounds like a narcissistic douchebag with a bit of a sadistic streak. Telling someone mid-make-out-session that you're not really attracted to them is cruel, getting half-naked with someone who's into you when you're not into them is cruel, swooping down on girls who your queer girlfriend has expressed an interest in is cruel and an asshole move. All his moves are asshole moves. Now, I'm sure this guy has lots of wonderful qualities—most narcissistic douchebags have some cause to be narcissists—and you don't have to cut him out of your life. But you do need to be less open with him emotionally, socially, and sexually. Don't give him any more opportunities to toy with you—no touchy-touchy, no make-out sessions, no partial disrobing—and don't point out girls you're interested in. Or, hey, get your revenge by "expressing an interest" in girls you don't think are hot.

See Dan Savage in conversation with NPR White House correspondent Ari Shapiro at Town Hall on June 16! Tickets at strangertickets.com.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Are shrinks good for your love life? Plus, dungeon etiquette—all at savagelovecast.com.

Dan's new book—American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics—is available now.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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Dan Savage’s Totally Unbiased Review of Bill Savage’s New Book

Dan Savage — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Dan Savage’s Totally Unbiased Review of Bill Savage’s New Book by Dan Savage

If you want to see Chicago—the skyscrapers, the lakefront, the neighborhoods—go for a bike ride. If you want to learn about Chicago, go for a bike ride with my brother.

Ride with Bill Savage, as I frequently do when I'm home*, and he'll point out the "temporary" cottages constructed after the Great Chicago Fire of 1871—then he'll mention that a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation handwritten by Abraham Lincoln was lost when the Chicago Historical Society burned in that conflagration. (And, yes, he'll use the word "conflagration.")

Bill is a distinguished senior lecturer at Northwestern University, where he teaches Chicago literature, history, and culture. He was the first published writer in the family, and he has edited many books—the latest of which is Chicago by Day and Night: The Pleasure Seeker's Guide to the Paris of America.

After the fire and before Al Capone, the World's Fair of 1893 made Chicago's reputation. Chicago by Day and Night was an anonymously authored guide to Chicago's theaters, churches, taverns, and gambling houses meant for visitors to the fair.

After setting the scene in a brief and entertaining introduction, Bill and his co- editor Paul Durica, another Chicago scholar and the impresario of Pocket Guide to Hell, get out of the way. Bill and Paul offer notes, annotations, and entertaining history lessons at the back of the book. I recommend reading the chapter in the original and the chapter's corresponding notes. (It helps to have two bookmarks going at once.) Bill and Paul are sensitive to the politics of race, sex, and class, but the notes are never dry—they set out to entertain as well as inform, and they succeed. Here are two things I learned reading Bill and Paul's notes: It was a 19th-century Chicago mayor, Carter Harrison Sr., who first said, "You can't legislate morality," and the term "lollapalooza" was coined to describe the notorious "First Ward Ball," an annual political fundraiser/bacchanal hosted by a trio of corrupt Chicago politicians. (If I were writing this review for a Chicago newspaper, I wouldn't have to put "corrupt" before "Chicago politician." It's the non-corrupt pols in Chicago who get qualifiers like "reform," "non-machine," and "defeated.")

For a theater kid like me, the description of Chicago's theater scene in the early 1880s was fascinating. There were plenty of legit theaters in Chicago at that time, of course, but more interesting to visitors—and certainly more interesting to the anonymous authors—are those "unique playhouses" where patrons who purchased a box could "enjoy the society of the actresses who will visit them between acts and have a pleasant, social time." Perhaps these unique playhouses were what the authors had in mind when they dubbed Chicago the "Coming Metropolis."

This book is a terrific companion to Erik Larson's The Devil in the White City. Larson takes us back to the fair, but the authors of Chicago by Day and Night look forward to it. Some of the juxtapositions are chilling. In a chapter titled "Perils and Pitfalls," the authors warn visitors to beware of "the very suave and polished gentleman [who] chats so delightfully," for he may be "a polished villain." The authors could be describing H. H. Holmes, the serial killer who built a "murder castle" near the fair, where he slaughtered an unknown number of victims, mostly young women seeking a new life in the big city.

I read The Devil in the White City when it was published in 2003. (Me and everybody else—the book is still on the New York Times best-seller list.) My brother's latest effort inspired me to go find my copy. I'm rereading Devil now, dipping into Chicago by Day and Night at the same time.

So now I've got three bookmarks going.

* Sorry, Seattle, but even though I've lived here longer than I lived in Chicago, Chicago is still home.

Dan Savage is Bill Savage's little brother.

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Not Bad Work for a Biphobic, Transphobic, Polyphobic Asshole

Dan Savage — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 09:07:36 -0700

I am a 30-year-old queer trans man. (Three months into transitioning.) For the longest time, I thought I was a horrible person. I couldn't be in a relationship without cheating, or going from person to person because I always wanted something new. I met my wife when I was a lesbian and fell head over heals. We were together for two years and then had a kid. Two months into the pregnancy the sex stopped and we had sex four times in two years. I dealt with it as best I could. Then I started T three months ago and my sex drive tripled.

This is not a question. This is a sincere thank you. About a year into our relationship, we found your podcast. We both fell in love with it and listened with open ears. It helped me with so many things like realizing I like men also, understanding bisexuality, not judging poly, and so many other things. You have saved me, Dan, you have saved my marriage. From listening to hundreds of your shows, we were able to talk to each other realistically about how we felt and we realized that we both are the kind of people who jump from relationship to relationship because we need new. And yet we still want to be together and own a home and raise our child. Before you, I fell into the bullshit idea that I had to live the stereotypical life. And it terrified me to think that my sex life was over and yet I couldn't face losing the love of my life. Now, we have negotiated an open relationship and we feel great about it.

Thank you, Dan, you made me realize I can be me and be married. You saved me in more ways than you will ever know.

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SL Letters of the Day: Cuckolding—Good, Bad, Good, Great

Dan Savage — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:40:41 -0700

Last week we heard from EFFED, a woman who was unhappy about her husband's cuckold fantasies, which she didn't want to fulfill (or hear about anymore). We also heard from AC, a man whose wife also wasn't thrilled by his fantasies but who was willing to indulge him through dirty talk. Today we hear from four women with some experience with cuckolds and cuckolding...

My guy—we are long-time partners—is VERY into cuckolding fantasies and he was the original fantasy spinner but now I spin them too. It is wonderful. I never thought of myself as beautiful (I'm the librarian-spinster type) but he gets so turned on that I wind up feeling so desired that I get very turned on, and we both enjoy the hell out of it. Totally hot.

It helps (and this may help your readers) that when we started this was more of a "role play" thing around one of his high school teachers. (He was young, she was apparently quite beautiful, but the librarian-spinster type—see how this goes?) He called me by her name ("Miss Lily"), and since he's from the South, we even did accents. It was all clearly fantasy and that made it easier for me to try it on. It was a game; the fantasy element was so prominent, and so emotionally distancing, that I felt perfectly safe. And he was so grateful and loving that... well, it soon became clear where my own happiness lay.

I don't think we'd ever try it on in real life. Our careers—law and medicine—make that too risky, BUT it is waywayway awesome, ATKS, and we have the best sex life I can imagine: fun, hot, loving, intimate. Miss Lily seems to have disappeared but in our fantasy world I've had sex with an entire football team, yard crews, and fishing clubs. My man adores me and can't show his gratitude enough and I get great sex, and lots of it. Just sign me...

Happy Old Teacher

P.S. BTW, Dan, your column was a big help in my coming to embrace this. Thank you so much!!!

Three more after the jump...

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I held out three years before giving in to the cuckolding fantasies of my partner. Over the next two years I lost my relationship, my home, and sense of self. It took me the better part of a year to get my head where in should have been all along. I wanted to write to EFFED because I felt I should share this with her. It works for some, God love 'em, but it just wasn't for me personally. Good luck with your decision making, EFFED, and just remember: If you are not comfortable with it, DON'T DO IT!—Old and Wiser

I suspect you will likely have had your fill of the topic by now, but I thought I would share my experience anyway: My husband is a cuckold—he craves everything about it. And like everything else in life, our experience is very different from everyone else's. Even his reasons for needing it are different than most.

I have to admit right up front that even he doesn't fully understand why he needs it. (Although there are some patently obvious childhood issues, Dan, as well as classic daily life stuff: he has a job where he controls a lot of people and has high stress.) Even if he did know what this was about exactly I don't think he would be able to share that with me—it would ruin the mystery or something. But what I do know is that he has a deep need to be humiliated and emasculated. It's his biggest turn-on. I really don't think his cuckolding has much to do with me at all, it's much more about him.

We have been married for eight years, together for four before that, and in that time I have been with six or seven other men and one woman. Sometimes I play alone and sometimes he is there. He likes different games—either the man needs to think I am cheating on him, or he has to service us while I cheat on him and he is treated appropriately, as a pathetic cuckold should be. Sucking the man's cock to get it hard for me and helping to insert it inside me are particular humiliation favorites of his. (We are both open to sexual experiences on both sides of the fence. Categorize us how you will.)

I sometimes enjoy the game, sometimes not. When I don't, I just don't play. (Plus there are safety concerns for me, which often put the brakes on in my mind—this isn't the 60s, I don't want to catch anything and people are freaks.) But I love him and want him to be happy, so I talk dirty to him and tell him all the things I will do with another man while he fucks me so he can enjoy it even more. The sluttier I am the better—both with him and with other men. The more I degrade him, the better. The bigger slut I am, the more it turns him on and emasculates him at the same time. Weird, fun and so messed up—but so what?

There have been miscommunications. We have learned to discuss things in detail, but it still doesn't always turn out the way one of us thought it would and can create friction. But we work it out. There have been missed opportunities when we could have had a truly hot night but his false assumptions or my unspoken wishes have screwed that up. So we discuss it when things cool down and work toward a better experience next time.

We also have vanilla sex, we indulge my kinky stuff (whole different ball of wax), and enjoy lots of other stuff. In general we give each other what we want and try to be as GGG as possible. But sometimes I wish the cuckolding thing was not a part of our lives—it can get tedious. It can also be fun. I have had the opportunity to be really slutty after marriage not just his permission, but pretty much at his insistence. That can be interesting and liberating. I was not exactly a nun before we met, so turning that off was not something I found a simple task. This provides an outlet for both of us.

Anyway, Dan, there's a perspective from a cuckold-participating wife's point of view. If you are the least bit interested.—Slutty Wife

You pretty summed up my experience with cuckolding in your response to EFFED, Dan. My husband wanted to try it, I didn't want to sleep with anyone else. We compromised on dirty talk—years of dirty talk—and then one day I decided I wanted to try it after all. (I decided I wanted to try it the same day my personal trainer made a pass at me. How's that for a suburban cliché!) I asked my husband for his okay and got it. It freaked my personal trainer out when I told him my husband knew what I was doing. But he had heard of cuckolding—probably from reading of your column—and we had a wonderful six-month affair. And now I regret waiting so long to jump in. My husband honestly isn't interested in sleeping with anyone besides me (my initial fear) and every once in while I get to sleep with someone else. It livens things up at home, that's for sure.

One piece of advice for other women out there with cuckold fetishist husbands: My husband was so excited after I did it that first time that he was really pressuring me to do it again. My husband was more upset when my personal trainer moved on than I was. (New girlfriend for him, no more "private core training" for me!) My cuckold hubby started pestering me to find someone else after my affair with the personal trainer ended. That was a huge turnoff. I told him that I wouldn't do it again at all if he continued to bother me about it. Worked like a charm. We still do dirty talk about me cheating, but no more pressure to actually cheat. Cheating on him when I want to? That I can do. Cheating on him to get him off my back? Big turnoff.—Lady Be Bad

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Youth Pastor Watch

Dan Savage — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 08:01:27 -0700

ALABAMA: "Word of Life Christian Center, which moved into a $14 million campus on Derby Parkway in 2006, has moved out of the campus and changed its name. Founding Pastor Scott Webb said the move was not a foreclosure, and had nothing to do with his son's conviction for having sex with a teen while he was the youth pastor.... After the arrest and guilty plea, attendance dropped off so much at Word of Life that all seating in the stadium-riser section of the sanctuary was closed off, restricting seating to the floor in front of the stage. Webb said the move was not a result of declining attendance after his son's legal troubles. 'It has nothing to do with it,' Webb said. The son, former Executive Pastor and Youth Pastor David Webb, was arrested and pleaded guilty in 2009 to transporting a minor girl across state lines for sex. He's serving a five-year federal prison sentence."

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If That Former Green Beret and Iraq War Vet Had Been Armed He Could Have Protected Himself From...

Dan Savage — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 07:32:57 -0700

...his four-year-old son.

Authorities say a man has died after he was shot by his 4-year-old son Friday in an accident at a Prescott Valley home.... Justin Stanfield Thomas was in extremely critical condition when he was taken to a local hospital, where he died. [Officials said] Thomas and the boy had gone up from the Valley to visit Thomas' old roommate when the boy found the gun and accidentally pulled the trigger. "Within minutes the little boy found the gun, said 'Daddy, what's this?' Then, it went off," said neighbor Jeremy Hartt, who was also friends with Thomas. It apparently was an unexpected visit and the former roommate had not had a chance to put the weapon away. Thomas served in the U.S. military and was a Green Beret.

How long does it take to put a gun away? Or put it on top of the fridge? Or on a high shelf? Somewhere a four-year-old boy can't get it? How long does that take?

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Sacred Sanctity of Marriage Watch

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 16:51:08 -0700

A notorious serial killer died today in California:

A serial murderer, a serial rapist, a Satan worshiper, a man who inflicted physical and emotional pain on his victims in myriad ways. Richard Ramirez was all those things, but to Californians terrorized during his violent spree in the spring and summer of 1985, he was simply the "Night Stalker." [On] Friday morning, Richard Ramirez died of natural causes at Marin General Hospital north of San Francisco, according to the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. Ramirez became the 59th inmate in the state to die in this manner while awaiting execution, not including 22 who committed suicide and six dead of other causes.

And while gay people cannot legally marry in California—come on, SCOTUS—straight serial killers can:

By the time of the trial, Ramirez had fans who were writing him letters and paying him visits. Beginning in 1985, freelance magazine editor Doreen Lioy wrote him nearly 75 letters during his incarceration. In 1988 he proposed to her, and on October 3, 1996, they were married in California's San Quentin State Prison.

Remember, kids, marriage is about providing children with a mother and a father. And who doesn't doubt that Richard Ramirez would've made a wonderful father? If only, you know, he could've consummated his marriage. Which he couldn't. Because he was a serial killer on death row. But still: on the day Richard Ramirez's penis and Doreen Lioy's vagina were united in holy matrimony the totally sacred sanctity of marriage was protected and God smiled down from heaven because marriage is about uniting one dick—any dick—with one pussy.

Amen.

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Australian PSA

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 16:21:17 -0700

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SL Letter of the Day: The Grateful Cuckold

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 16:09:11 -0700

I read with some empathy the letter from EFFED in this week's column. She who wrote that her husband’s cuckold fantasies are crushing her self-esteem. You replied that her husband’s cuckolding fantasies don’t mean he finds her unattractive—they mean the exact opposite. In case EFFED has any doubts about your interpretation, I can concur. I happen to be intensely turned on by cuckolding fantasies about my wife of 26 years. At the same time, I could not be more in love with her, and she is the absolute epitome of what I find attractive. The idea of being deeply in love with one’s wife yet intensely aroused by thoughts of her with other men seems paradoxical. This can be confusing for the subject of the fantasies, since most women are taught to associate true love with a desire for exclusivity. After much introspection in my own case, I’ve come to believe that the cuckolding fetish is fueled by two main factors.

1. A deep seated, perhaps even subconscious fear of losing one’s wife, and...

2. An honest belief that one’s wife is amazingly desirable.

The former explains the intensity of the feelings involved, and the latter ties in to a male’s desire for status. We cuckolds believe our wives are so gorgeous, we want other men to know what we’ve got. It’s like owning a Lamborghini. You can’t show it off by keeping it under a cover. If you want another man to feel envious, let him sit in the fine leather seats, step on the gas, and feel what it’s like to drive.

Another Cuckold

My response—and AC's response to my response and my response to his—after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Does your wife actually cuckold you, AC? How did she react when you rolled this fantasy out?—Dan

My wife is not at all interested in any type of extramarital activities. She well is aware of my fantasies, however, and indulges me (somewhat reluctantly) verbally. It’s been too long for me to remember her exact first reactions, but like I wrote earlier, I’m sure she must have questioned how I could love her if I wanted other men to have sex with her. Women might also worry that such fantasies are a prelude to the man wanting extramarital sex. The status quo we’ve arrived at is that she is resigned to participating in verbal fantasizing with me, although it becomes wearying for her if I concentrate on this too much. If I were to seriously pressure her to have sex with someone else, it would upset her to the extent that I would have to back off or risk ruining our marriage. Thanks for writing back, and thanks for your work.—AC

A few more questions, AC, if that's okay. Do you make a conscious effort not to "go there" too much? Out of consideration for your wife's feelings do you only indulge verbally on occasion? And are you grateful for the distance she's willing to go or are you frustrated that you won't ever realize your fantasies in real life?—Dan

As for my wife’s feelings, it’s a bit of a tightrope walk. I do tend to push her boundaries, but I’m careful not to push too far. I indulge fairly frequently, since it happens to be the thing that most reliably gets me off. I do make an effort on occasion to climax through other types of stimulation, but this can also be trying for her because it may take a long time. Am I grateful? Absolutely! When she is of a mind to indulge me without reservation it makes me feel both physically pleasured and loved. I also feel tinges of guilt that the situation is rather one-sided. I would love nothing more than to indulge her fantasies in return. I feel like I would do anything for her, but she has never admitted to any sort of unsatisfied kinks or desires; her own tastes are quite "vanilla."

Am I frustrated that I can’t experience this in real life? Not really. There are so many things about my wife that I’m grateful for, I’m not walking around pouting over an unfulfilled desire that by most standards is outrageous anyway. I’m also aware of the possibility that actualizing these fantasies could have emotion results that were unexpected. Ultimately there are all sorts of activities I can imagine that would be highly arousing to me but are off-limits for some reason, and that’s probably a good thing. The world is not going to be a better place if people like me just give in to debauchery.—AC

Not sure I entirely agree with you there, AC. The world isn't harmed when people like you can give in to debauchery—so long as your partners are willing, and you debauch safely and everyone's feelings and needs are taken into consideration. And a few more questions...

Husband is into cuckolding, wife isn't, but wife is willing to indulge a bit during dirty talk—there are a lot of couples out there taking just this approach to handling a husband's cuckolding fantasies. But when does the dirty talk go to far? Does the wife always feel like she is being subjected an extended psy-ops campaign here? Does the wife ultimately feel pressured to do this for the husband one day? How does your wife feel about it, about you, and about its place in your sex life? I'd like to run your letter as the SLLOTD. Would your wife be willing to write me a companion letter to run along side it?—Dan

I really don’t know if my wife would want to write a companion letter. I’m not even sure if it would upset her to see what I’ve written. She’s not here at the moment so I can’t ask at this time. As for the very good questions you raise, I think I know the answer to some of them.

When does the dirty talk go too far? When the emotional hurt it inflicts on the wife outweighs any pleasure it provides the husband. A (non-sadist) husband who truly loves his wife does not want to drive her to tears to achieve his own orgasm. It would ruin the pleasure and make him feel like a selfish jerk.

Does the wife always feel like she is being pressured to do this one day? That would depend on the couple and how hard the husband is actually pushing. In my own case, I do not push for actualization.

How does my wife feel about it? No doubt she would be happier if I were turned on by something less onerous to her, or if I would at least keep my cuckolding thoughts to myself. Like any couple, I’m sure she would prefer us to have desires that are always mutual. How does it make her feel about me? Well, it’s not the way she would prefer me to be, but she hasn’t dumped me over it. Perhaps it helps that I often express how much I love, desire, and appreciate her.—AC

That concludes my email exchange with AC. And now a quick note to my readers...

I'm sure some of you are ready to jump down AC's throat for comparing his wife to a Lamborghini. He's literally objectifying his wife! He's compared her to a car, a thing he owns, a material possession! Yes, yes. He did do that. But he also clearly loves his wife and sees her as as person too. He sees her as her own person; he sees her as a person with feelings, needs, and desires of her own and he seems pretty thoughtful and considerate about his wife's feelings, needs, and desires. So he gets a pass on the objectification thing here. Because to be objectified—sexually—is only dehumanizing when someone sees you as nothing but an object. Yes, AC sees his wife as an object on some level. And you know what? She is an object on some level. We are all objects on some level. And each one of us wants to be wanted not just for the person we are, dear readers, but also for the object that we are.

So I don't think the Lamborghini analogy is disrespectful—not when considered in the full context of AC's other remarks about his wife.

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Which Member of the All-Powerful Bike Lobby Strapped Dorothy Rabinowitz to a Bike Against Her Will?

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 12:14:42 -0700

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British Drunk Driving PSA

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 08:54:41 -0700

Man... they don't fuck around, the Brits. (Via Towleroad.)

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Anti-Gay Activists Who Point to the Bible to Justify Opposition to Same-Sex Marriage...

Dan Savage — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 08:13:05 -0700

...are biblically illiterate.

The debate about marriage equality often centers, however discretely, on an appeal to the Bible. Unfortunately, such appeals often reflect a lack of biblical literacy on the part of those who use that complex collection of texts as an authority to enact modern social policy. As academic biblical scholars, we wish to clarify that the biblical texts do not support the frequent claim that marriage between one man and one woman is the only type of marriage deemed acceptable by the Bible’s authors....

In fact, there were a variety of unions and family configurations that were permissible in the cultures that produced the Bible, and these ranged from monogamy (Titus 1:6) to those where rape victims were forced to marry their rapist (Deuteronomy 22:28-29) and to those Levirate marriage commands obligating a man to marry his brother’s widow regardless of the living brother’s marital status (Deuteronomy 25:5-10; Genesis 38; Ruth 2-4). Others insisted that celibacy was the preferred option (1 Corinthians 7:8; 28).

Although some may view Jesus’ interpretation of Genesis 2:24 in Matthew 19:3-10 as an endorsement of monogamy, Jesus and other Jewish interpreters conceded that there were also non-monogamous understandings of this passage in ancient Judaism, including those allowing divorce and remarriage.

In fact, during a discussion of marriage in Matthew 19:12, Jesus even encourages those who can to castrate themselves “for the kingdom” and live a life of celibacy.

The authors of the piece—which appeared in today's Des Moines Register—go on to point out that the bible forbids interracial marriage (Ezra 10:2-11), that Jesus encouraged his followers to castrate themselves (!) and live a life of celibacy (Matthew 19:12), and that Martin Luther (heretic!) could find nothing about men being limited to "one woman" in the Bible (“I confess that I cannot forbid a person to marry several wives, for it does not oppose the Holy Scriptures”).

Go read the whole thing.

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They Shoot Hookers, Don't They?

Dan Savage — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 15:07:11 -0700

They do in Texas—and they get acquitted for it.

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SL Letter of the Day: I'm Gay and Being Bullied By My Hyper-Religious Parents—What Do I Do?

Dan Savage — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 13:13:13 -0700

I am a 16-year-old boy who was recently forced out of the closet. My mother asked me if I saw a future with a woman, I did not respond because I did not want to lie anymore, and I have regretted my silence ever since. My family is a strict Catholic and Republican household. I am the youngest of five nearly perfect siblings and I attend a all-male boarding school. So when my mother found out that I "might" be gay, we immediately had a conversation. She let me know that she and my father will always love me and never give up on me, but that they will never accept this. She kept asking me, "How do you know? You have never been with a girl. Maybe you're confused." And I agreed that I am confused. (Even though I'm pretty sure that I am not.) I said anything and everything to make the conversation stop.

All this happened back in April and now I am home from school and have found out that she told my dad. They are spinning this from a completely religious point of view and have been giving me lots of "Catholic Boy Guilt." But part of the problem is that I am still saying that I am confused and not ready to talk about anything FOR A WHILE. After the conversation with my Dad putting the religious spin on the situation, I am definitely confused. My whole life I have always worked to please my parents and I never want to disappoint them, but I cannot deny the sexual attractions I have towards men. Also in the conversation including my dad, my mom seriously thinks that the devil is inside me and tempting me. (It was extremely hard to keep a straight face and not laugh.) My parents are extremely stubborn but I know that they come from a kind-hearted place. They just have views that disapprove of me and how I want to live my life. I told my parents that this is not a choice, my mother said that it is a choice to act upon my feelings. My dad thinks that it is easier to hook up with men than women, and that I want to take the easier route.

I am still religious, not hardcore or anything. I pray, believe in God and Jesus, and I do believe that there are mistakes in the Old Testament. God did not write it and humans do make mistakes. I know that to move on from the situation, I need to confirm to my parents that I am gay and am not changing. But the situation is extremely awkward. How am I supposed to tell my parents that I basically want a dick in my mouth? I am still just a 16-year-old kid and I have to live with and be dependent on my parents. I don't want to throw the situation in their faces constantly and end up alienating them, but they (especially my mom) are constantly telling me to pray and soon they will alienate me. I have no one to talk to. My parents and I have agreed not to tell anyone, but I am thinking that I may need therapy. I may need someone outside the situation without the religious element involved, to talk to.

I just don't know how to defend myself. I have no one to talk to. I honestly just don't want to be in this life. I don't want to disappoint my parents. But I need my happiness. Please tell me what I should say and how I could make the situation better.

Me

P.S. Please respond, at least with an email back to me. I need someone to talk to. I have no one and I am about to go insane. I am sad all the time but I have to hide it.

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I shared your letter—your absolutely heartbreaking letter—with Aaron Hartzler. He's the author of the new memoir Rapture Practice, which is about his experiences growing up gay and closeted in a hyper-religious, hyper-conservative family. Here's Aaron...

Dear Me,

First of all, congrats for being honest with your Mom when she asked. That was a courageous decision. I know you say you’ve regretted it since, but part of growing up is finding your voice, and learning to stand up for what you know is your truth. So, good job. Self esteem is built by doing estimable acts, and one of the most important ones is being honest—to others, yes, but especially to yourself.

On that front, it sounds like the only people who are confused here are your Mom and Dad. From what you’ve written in this letter, you’re pretty clear on the subject. You’re gay, and you’re ready to “confirm to them” that you are “not changing.”

The God issue is tricky. I am the oldest of five from a strict, born again Christian family, and have learned from experience that there is no way to argue logic with a rigid religious belief system. Through trial and error, I figured out that some well-placed boundaries were necessary.

I would encourage you not to engage in a conversation about this if it feels unsafe—and I’m not only talking physically unsafe. (Seems like your parents are fairly loving and aren’t batting you around with their hands and feet.) I’m also talking about emotionally or psychologically unsafe. This means anytime they start saying things that are aimed at drawing you into a discussion which shames your for being gay, or calls your feelings into question—when your Dad starts in with the God guilt, or your Mom goes on about Satan—it is perfectly okay for you to say the following: “Mom/Dad, I love you, but I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

If they insist on continuing to talk to you about it, it’s just fine to repeat that statement as many times as it takes until they get the message. This is about putting up a boundary to protect yourself from their fear and harmful dogma at a time when they are caught up in their own emotions, and asking questions or spouting comments that don’t take your feelings into account.

If they continue to press you to talk about it, tell them that you’re happy to do so in the presence of a licensed, non-religious, gay-friendly family counselor. (You can go to the Psychology Today website, type in your ZIP code, and click “Gay Issues” on the left hand side for a list of qualified professionals in your area.) You could also suggest that your Mom and Dad come to a PFLAG meeting with you. Another great resource you can recommend is Betty Fairchild’s book Now That You Know.

The bottom line here is that you don’t have to face your parents’ initial freak-out on your own. It sounds like you understand that your parents love you, and it’s good of you to acknowledge that, but you don’t have to be a punching bag for their emotions for the next two years.

For right now, it sucks, and I totally get it. To that end, here are some resources for YOU so that YOU have some people to talk to as you make your way through this:

1. My lesbian author friend, Malinda Lo just did a great post on her blog about how to come out to your parents. You’ve already done the lion’s share of this, but check out the links at the end for sure.

2. The Trevor Project. Anytime, day or night, 24/7, if you’re feeling down about this whole coming out process, you can pick up the phone and dial the Trevor Helpline at 866-488-7386. They’ve got trained staff members who can offer some advice, or just listen, and it’s all free. Also, if you’d rather IM you can also use Trevor Chat from 3-9pm EST (noon-6 PST.)

3. Trevor Space. This is a private social networking site run by the Trevor Project for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth ages 13 through 24 and their friends and allies. You can meet teens your own age to talk to about what’s going on.

4. GLSEN. Not sure what things look like when you get back to school, but a Gay/Straight Alliance might be a great place to go. If there isn’t one at your school, GLSEN can help you get one going.

Finally, understand that you may not be able to make the situation better right away. Your Mom and Dad may need some time, and even then, they may never come around in the way that you hope they will. (Mine still haven’t. I get a lot of “we’re praying for you.”) However, that doesn’t mean that you won’t be happy, or survive.

At this moment, I know that the debate seems endless. I get it. It was the same way for me. As somebody who has come through it, know this: You will get to college. You will find people who love and support you for who you are... even if your parents never do. It does get better—not necessarily because your parents change, but because you do by becoming less dependent on their approval.

Aaron

I'm going to turn this over to my readers now, M, who are sure to have tons of great advice for you. (Just like they had tons of great advice last February for a teenage lesbian whose parents weren't being supportive.) I'm going to write an email to you as well and I'll send it to you privately.

But I want you and anyone out there struggling with the same issues to know that there people out here rooting for you. And if your parents are in the mood to read—if they're open to looking at Now That You Know or going to a PFLAG meeting—you might want to share this link with them. And this one too. Because what your parents are doing to you isn't just unkind, unloving, and unchristian, M, it's dangerous. Straight parents can't make gay kids into a straight kids but they can push gay kids to suicide. Your parents need to wake up and smell the despair they're inducing in you.

I wish my mother was still alive, M, because then I could have my mother call your mother for a little Catholic-mom-to-Catholic-mom conversation. My mom passed away a few years ago, sadly, so I can't unleash her on your mom. But I know what my mother would say to your mom because I heard her say it to other moms who were treating their gay kids they way your mom (and dad) are treating you. Take it away, Judy Savage...

"If you want to destroy your relationship with your son, if you want your son to drop out of school, if you want your son to run away from home, if you want your son addicted to drugs and abusing alcohol and living on the streets and engaging in survival prostitution by this time next year, if you want your son to commit suicide, then you just keep doing what you're doing. Because if that's what you want, lady, you're doing everything right."

God, I miss my mother.

Finally, M, if things are truly terrible and your parents won't take "I don’t want to talk about this right now" for an answer—if your parents continue to bully you emotionally and spiritually—you can always tell them what they wanna hear. You can lie to them. You can tell them you're straight if that's what it takes to get them off your back. I promise you, M, that no one Gayland will think less of you for your lying to your parents under duress when you were a vulnerable teenager.

Hang in there, kiddo. And keep checking back here for advice from my readers.

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Esther Williams

Dan Savage — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 11:08:12 -0700

Dead.

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Devout Group Sex

Dan Savage — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 07:59:38 -0700

Most people will tell you that all open and/or monogamish relationships are doomed to failure because all the couples they know who were in open relationships—even couples that had just one threeway—wound up getting divorced or breaking up. But here's the thing: almost everyone knows at least one couple in a successful open and/or monogamish relationship but they don't know they know them. That's because most couples in successful open and/or monogamish relationships—particularly the straight ones—aren't out about the fact that their relationships are open and/or monogamish. People typically find out that a couple was open and/or monogamish if that couple divorces or breaks up. If a couple in an open and/or monogamish relationship doesn't divorce or break up—if the openness contributes to their marital happiness and stability—no one ever finds out.

So, yeah, most people know at least one couple in a successful open and/or monogamish relationship. That couple might even be your pastor and his wife. And as this person points out in the comments thread...

If you go on different swinger sites or personal sites, it becomes obvious that millions of Americans are participating—and virtually everyone keeping it secret.

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SL Letter of the Day: Soldier Boy

Dan Savage — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 17:38:10 -0700

I'm a single 27-year-old woman. I've talked to this one guy in the Army off and on for about six years. He's been in and out of the country over those six years, and is in town for now. Long story short, we had sex a couple weeks ago. Finally! It was the best sex I've ever had. Since that night he's been asking me about having a threesome. He is also asking what kind of threesome I would like to have—me/him/guy or me/him/girl). I'm young and this is an opportunity, so I'm up for either one as long as I'm attracted to the other person. But here's the problem... I have feelings for the Army guy. They're not full blown feelings, but I have carried a torch for this guy for six years. Yes, I told him I have feelings for him but he doesn't return them. In fact, he's said he'd like to have this threesome with someone who he cares about but who he isn't in a relationship with. I'm that person for him, and pretty sure that means he doesn't and won't ever want to be in a relationship with me. Also, I've had a foursome before with someone I was in a relationship with and it was not a good experience. I realize that that doesn't mean I'll have a bad experience in this threesome, but I need to get over this mental block. I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this because they'll tell me not to do it and I really want to do it.

Should I have a threesome with my Army guy despite my feelings for him and my past negative experience?

Should I Have A Threesome?

My response after the jump...

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I wanna tell you to have the threeway—I've advised readers in the past to err on the side of threeways—and I'm probably gonna tell you to have the threeway before I'm through writing this response. But I have to say that I'm a little concerned about 1. your feelings for this guy and 2. the way this guy seems to be making a distinction between things he'll do with a girl he's in a relationship with and things he'll do with a girl he isn't in a relationship with.

In my experience, SIHAT, people who only do kinky shit with strangers or FWBs or fuckbuddies—never with actual girlfriends/boyfriends/husband/wives—don't always treat those strangers, FWBs, and fuckbuddies very well. They seem to see their kinks as somehow degrading, something they couldn't do with and/or to someone they actually loved and respected, and consciously or subconsciously they hold the strangers/FWBs/fuckbuddies they do that shit with in certain degree of contempt.

You're probably a little heartsore already, SIHAT. You have feelings for this guy, you told him about those feelings, and he made it clear he doesn't feel the same way about you. So how will you feel if you get the impression after you've had this threeway—or while you're having this threeway (God forbid)—that this guy regards you as unworthy of his love and affection precisely because you had (or you're having) this threeway with him? If the answer is "much, much worse," SIHAT, you might want to pass on this threeway.

Wow—it looks like I'm not gonna tell you to err on the side of this threeway. That's unlike me. But I do think you should have a threeway sometime. Just with someone else. Or a pair of someone elses.

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The Debate Over Gay Marriage in the House of Lords

Dan Savage — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 13:42:04 -0700

The debate was earlier this week and the House of Lords approved gay marriage. The UK is now set to the be 14th country to legalize same-sex marriage. The NYT summarized the debate in today's paper. They found it surprisingly civilized— even opponents of equality went out of their way to say nice things about the not-fit-for-marriage gays—and the whole debate demonstrated, once again, the crucial importance of being out:

“Many years ago, I had the great fortune to meet someone,” declared Baroness Barker. “She and I have loved each other ever since.” Another peer mentioned his lesbian daughter. A third, Lord Black of Brentwood, said, of his partner of nearly 25 years, “I love him very much, and nothing would give me greater pride than to marry him.” And still another peer, 86-year-old Baron Jenkin of Roding, said he had been supportive of gay rights since he was a college student and his grandfather first explained gay people to him.

I don't think Baron Jenkin's grandfather would've been able to explain gay people to him without actually knowing one or two. The bigots did get a chance to speak:

While noting that "homosexuals are often very delightful, artistic and loving people," Baroness Knight of Collingtree observed that "a man can no more bear a child than a woman can produce sperm." Other critics revealed themselves to be preoccupied with the possible physical aspects of the situation and how those might contradict the accepted view of traditional marriage. "'One flesh' involves a physical and spiritual union: the joining together of the reproductive organs of a man and a woman,” said Lord Edmiston, alluding to the Bible. "It is a physical impossibility in a same-sex relationship for the reproductive organs to be joined together."

Actually, Lord Edmiston, it's not impossible :

Docking: mutual masturbation by inserting the glans penis into the foreskin of another penis.

Lesbians who want to join their reproductive organs together require an assist, of course, but it can be done. But if "the ability to join together reproductive organs without some silicone" is the standard by which we intend to issue marriage licenses, well, then only opposite-sex couples and gay male couples comprised of one or two uncircumcised men should be allowed to marry. But that seems silly, doesn't it? Because marriage is about more than smushing genitals together—so much more.

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"The Republican Party doesn’t want black people to vote."

Dan Savage — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 08:08:51 -0700

We knew it—voter registration database purges, voter ID laws, white polling place "monitors" harassing voters in urban precincts, efforts to limit early voting hours in minority areas, impossibly long lines to vote in black neighborhoods—but it's rare to hear a GOP official say it in plain English.

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Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Husbanding by Dan Savage

I love my husband of 20 years, but sexual differences are putting a strain on our marriage. Ten years ago, he asked me to talk dirty to him about having sex with other men. It has progressed to him wanting to be a cuckold. I only want to be with him, but he presses the issue by verbalizing cuckold situations during sex. This makes me close my eyes and shut down. By the time he is done, I have no desire to orgasm because I no longer feel attractive. Worse, I feel like I am not enough for him. The only way he can get off is to talk about me having sex with other men. It makes me feel worthless as a sex partner-which is crazy, because I am attractive and open to a great deal of things (toys, games, dressing up, striptease, etc.). I long for him to touch me, kiss me, and look at me the way he used to. He is a good father and a good provider, and I love him. But this matter is crushing my self-esteem. I won't stay much longer if this continues. Your advice?

Extremely Frustrated Female Experiencing Despair

Your husband was probably reading cuckolding blogs for years before he worked up the nerve to raise the subject, EFFED, and here's what he's gleaned from them: husband brings it up, wife shoots it down, husband whines, wife agrees to explore it as fantasy only, and then one day—after years of dirty talk—wife announces she wants to give it a try. She winds up loving it, and she says she regrets waiting so long.

Reading so many cuckolding success stories—many likely fictitious—has left your husband convinced that if he just keeps at it, one day his wife will want to try it. (Some wives do try it and like it. I got a letter the same day yours arrived from a woman who's angry that her husband—after years of dirty talk and a half-dozen cuckolding experiences—has decided that it isn't for him after all. He doesn't want her sleeping with other men; she doesn't want to go back to sleeping with just him. Dr. Cuckenstein created a monster.)

My advice: Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hear about cuckolding anymore. Period. He is free to think about whatever he wants to during sex—we all are—but he has to keep his cuckolding fantasies to himself. Wrap up the convo by informing him that from now on, your sex sessions end the moment the subject of you sleeping with other men is raised. No more closing your eyes and waiting for him to finish. (What kind of asshole can finish under those circumstances?) If he brings up other men, EFFED, get off the bed, get out of the bedroom, and go to the kitchen and have some ice cream.

Your husband needs to find a new erotic script that works for you both. The incentive for him: Since you are open to many things—toys, games, dressing up, striptease—a fantasy scenario that turns you on is likely to become a reality scenario pretty quickly.

Finally, EFFED, cuckolds don't see their wives as unattractive. Cuckolds see their wives as so desirable—and themselves as so inadequate—that they're incapable of giving their wives all of the sexual attention they deserve. But I can see why you're upset. You want sex to be about the two of you, about the intimacy you share (or used to share), and your husband is always running his mouth about people who aren't in the room. It's understandable that you would feel like you're not enough for him after 10 years of this bullshit. But your husband's fantasies don't mean he finds you unattractive—they mean the exact opposite.

I am a 28-year-old married straight male. I have a lot of confusion regarding my sexual orientation and gender identity, and I am in therapy. My question for you is about my current self-pleasuring routine. I get high and watch "sissy self-hypnosis" videos. These videos consist of text, pictures, and subliminal suggestions aimed at hypnotizing straight males into "mind control" sex slavery. Some are about cuckolding and femdom; some are about being brainwashed into sucking cock. It's done in an amateurish and (hopefully) ineffective way. Am I destroying my brain here?

Man Wondering About Hypnosis

I haven't encountered any glassy-eyed straight guys wandering around my gay neighborhood offering to suck cock, so I'm thinking these videos are ineffective. They sound like a harmless way for an otherwise healthy, stable straight guy to fantasize about ceding his power and privilege to people the culture taught him to regard as weak and inferior, i.e., ladies and fags. That said, MWAH, it doesn't sound like you're an otherwise healthy, stable straight guy. You're confused about your sexual orientation and gender identity, and you're working on those issues with a shrink. That being the case, MWAH, best to avoid these videos for the time being.

I always told myself that I would forgive my husband if he cheated on me. Well, he had an affair for eight months. He also blew through our savings and racked up considerable credit-card debt. The college fund we started for our two children is gone. He spent all of the money on fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and incredible vacations for his girlfriend. I am so angry, I can't imagine staying. My husband ended the affair and wants desperately to save our marriage. As much as it pains me to subject my kids to divorce, I don't know if I can commit to him again. Is the best option to DTMFA?

Heartbroken

Sexual infidelity is one thing—and it's a relatively common thing (so people should go into marriage prepared to work through it)—but we're not talking about one thing here. We're talking about a whole series of betrayals. Your husband betrayed you sexually and financially. He stole from you. He stole from his own children.

Now, I can understand thinking with your dick (because I have a dick), and we can all imagine a circumstance in which we might succumb to temptation (because we all experience temptation). But I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how someone could spend his own children's college fund—in addition to his family's savings (and taking on debt!)—on gifts, trips, and meals for his piece-of-shit on the side. (Not all "other women/men" are pieces of shit, but anyone who would allow her married lover to spend that kind of money on her in eight months is a flaming piece of shit.)

DTMFA.

It's advice, H, not binding arbitration. You are free to make up your own mind. And while I couldn't see staying if I were in your shoes, I could see myself meeting with a marriage counselor a few times before pulling the plug—for the sake of the kids.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan reveals the secret of how to get straight women to dive into casual sex, and Lindy West talks about men who think your vagina is disgusting: savagelovecast.com.

Dan's new book—American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics—is available now.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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SL Letter of the Day: Of All the Outrageously Untrue Things People Have Said About Me on Twitter...

Dan Savage — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 17:12:09 -0700

This one really ticked me off:

I wish @fakedansavage still wrote his responses while drunk.
— John Michael Lind (@songsjml) June 4, 2013

Who said I stopped writing my responses drunk? I mean, I'm not drunk every time I sit down to write a column—sometimes I have to write in the morning—but I've typically had one or two or three. Basically readers should assume I was drunk when I wrote the column and take that fact into consideration before acting on my advice. Obviously.

Anyway, to prove that I still write responses drunk, I went home and Terry made me three Mai Tais and, well, here we go...

I am a sixty-year-old straight male. The wife and I have been married for almost thirty years and have always had a pretty vanilla, but very satisfying relationship. Both of us exercise regularly and eat healthy and have gotten grayer, but we aren't fat or disgusting and we still have all of our teeth. We aren't teenagers, but we don’t feel like we are old either.

Over the last few years I have been pretty surprised that my sex drive has diminished and along with it my ability to maintain an erection. I mentioned it to my regular doctor and he tested me and found that I had low testosterone levels and he sent me to a urologist for treatment. The urologist checked me out and gave me a rx for Viagra. The magic pills work like a charm... but I always feel like I am cheating and I don't always plan enough in advance so sometimes I'm not as ready as I could be. The wife is thrilled that the pills make me thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and I know that it is always more satisfying than if I was laying there limp and frustrated.

Is this what I have to look forward to? Pills to make me hard?

Lacking In My Penis

My drunken response after the jump...

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You don't have to look forward to pills that make you hard. Pills are making you hard! Right now! Today! And aren't you lucky! In the pre-Viagra days, LIMP, sixty-year-old men with limp dicks stood around, limp dicks in their hands, wishing someone would invent a pill that makes limp dicks thick as a bricks and hard as a rocks. And someone did! And that magic boner pills works for you and your dick! So you don't have to stand around with your limp dick in your hand wishing someone would invent a boner pill! Because! Someone! Already! Did!

So you can take your boner pills, get thick as a brick and hard as a rock, and fuck the duck out of the wife! And after you've blown your sixty-year-old load in the wife—no birth control worries anymore!—you can lay back and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to live the rest of your days on this earth bonerless due to a medical condition (low testosterone) that routinely afflicts older men. Because someone invented boners pills!

Or... you know... instead of being grateful to live in the days of boner pills... you can swan around having an existential crisis about it, LIMP, and ask silly questions like, "Is this what I have to look forward to?" Do you know what you have to look forward to, LIMP? Boners. You have boners to look forward to. Lots and lots of boners. Lucky you!

Finally, LIMP, your question reminded me of this classic Louis C.K. routine...

...which is subtitled here for my Russian readers.

So how'd I do?

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HUMP! Is Coming

Dan Savage — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 16:00:33 -0700

But HUMP! can't come if some of you don't...

Get HUMP!ing, Seattle! Info about entering HUMP here.

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Glazed Over

Dan Savage — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 11:34:41 -0700

Glazed donut vodka and glazed donut breakfast sandwiches. Can glazed-donut-flavored condoms be far behind?

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