The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Good Morning, Television!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 14 May 2013 10:54:00 -0700

After 8 years, SNL regular Bill Hader—best known perhaps as the heeeeeelarious Stefon—is leaving the show. Fine, but don't take Stefon with you!

Adult Swim is returning with another Greatest Event in Television History (last year's was an exact recreation of the opening credits of Simon & Simon, starring Adam Scott and Jon Hamm), this time Scott and Parks & Rec co-star Amy Poehler will recreate the classic romantic detective series Hart to Hart! (This "greatest event" will surely be the "greatest event" ever!)

In Parks & Rec related news... here's "Tron Swanson."

Popwatch asks the question, "Who should replace Seth Meyers at the SNL "Weekend Update" desk?" They say John Mulaney—who is ohhhhhhhkay, but I say, Anthony Jeselnek! WHAT DO YOU SAY?

R.I.P. famed TV psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers—dead at age 85.

Ordinarily annoyingly nice comedian Wayne Brady threatens to "beat Bill Maher's ass in public." Not so nice now!

And finally, Fox releases a whopping SEVEN new trailers for their fall shows, most notably Sleepy Hollow, J.J. Abrams robot cop show Almost Human, and Andy Samberg's police comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine—which I wish was funnier! BE MORE FUNNIER.

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Tease Me! Here's That Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D Teaser!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 13 May 2013 10:36:16 -0700

As promised/warned, here is the first official teaser/trailer for the most awesome, yet annoying to type, show of the fall season Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. And it features every fanboy's current fave, Coulson. And his car! And somebody punching somebody else in the face with fire, I think? I dunno. Life moves fast when you're with the annoying to type Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D! (That's why you should also read io9's report on "Every single clue hidden inside the Agents of SHIELD trailer!")

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A New Person for the Internet to Love!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 10 May 2013 13:17:37 -0700

Last week you loved Clarence Ramsey—that is until you heard about this. Now you feel uncomfortable about that.

WELL, HAVE NO FEAR, because here's the NEWEST person for you to love on the internet: Melinda Brown Duncan BAY-BEE, who has a few choice and hilariously filthy (and on point) words to share with the leadership of Detroit. I'd vote for her anytime, and anywhere. (That is until we hear that she did something terrible. What a fickle internet we are!)

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Taiwanese Animated News Still the Best and Most Trusted News Source

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 06 May 2013 12:11:00 -0700

First Donald Trump calls Jon Stewart out for changing his name to something less Jewish. Next Jon Stewart responds by referring to Donald Trump by his real name, "Fuckface Von Clownstick." THEN the hilarious folks at NMA (the Taiwanese animation news people) make their most awesomest CG recreation of the fight EVARRRRRR! (Seriously, why do we get our news anywhere else?)

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The Most Dedicated Reporter in the World (Who Maybe Doesn't Really Want to Get Married?)

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 11:27:56 -0700

A reporter in China stops her wedding to report on this past weekend's massive earthquake in the region—while still in her wedding dress. That's adorable! (Or is it? Stand by for the movie version, Runaway Reporter Bride!)

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Co-Workers Clipping Fingernails: CONDEMN OR ALLOW?!?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 15:16:00 -0700

CLIK. CLIK. CLIK.

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Family Tree Trailer: HBO is Forcing You to Buy HBO

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 12:04:00 -0700

HBO has been killing it lately—with of course Game of Thrones, Veep, the upcoming Liberace biopic [WATCH THAT TRAILER!!!] and now a new comedy series from Christopher Guest called Family Tree, starring Chris Dowd and every single person from every Christopher Guest movie ever. It debuts Sun May 12 at 10:30 pm and it looks very funny. WATCH THAT TRAILER!!!

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Veronica Mars T-Shirt; Okay, Now I Feel Like an Ass

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 13:19:46 -0700

As you may have read, while I totally support the Veronica Mars movie, there was no way I was going to support the Kickstarter—for reasons I have already discussed. HOWEVER! This morning I learned I am a HORSE'S ASS—because I had no idea that contributors who gave $25 or more to the Kickstarter would receive an awesome promotional Veronica Mars T-shirt! Here it is, modeled by Logan Echolls himself, Jason Dohring.

SQUEEEEEE! And goddammit!! I'm a horse's ass. There's another almost as cool shirt, here.

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The Walking Dead (and Blossom) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 12:29:56 -0700

As you know, my regular Walking Dead and Girls recap went all ker-fuckle when Girls ended their season two weeks early. So last week I paired the Dead with a recap of an old episode of Boy Meets World (which was great) and this week I'm pairing it with an old episode of my second favorite sitcom ever, Blossom! So hit the jump for all the spoilers you could ever want about last night's season finale of The Walking Dead... and some Blossom, too! LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!

Courtesy AMC
"Oh no, Blossom. I do not expect you to talk. I expect you to DIE."

Here's what I'm thinking about the season finale of The Walking Dead "Welcome to the Tombs," and season one, episode one of Blossom, entitled "Blossom Blossoms"!

1) OWW! OWW!! Hey, Guv'nah! Stop punching me in the face! OHHHHH, I get it... this is just a clever P.O.V. shot and the Guv'nah is actually punching Drippy McHenchman. (And it's a good thing, too—I hate experiencing pain or ugliness.) Because Drippy burned up the Guv's zombie zoo (and then CONFESSED because he's a dumbass) he is beaten senseless and tossed into Blondie McGunnerson's torture room, where he's told to stabbity-stabbity-stab her to make good for his crimes. Naturally, Drippy makes a half-hearted attempt at stabbity-stabbing the Guv, and is stabbity-stabbed in the gut for his trouble. Ouchity-ouch! But here's the good part: The Guv leaves Drippy in the room with Blondie knowing that he will die, turn and devour her. Or as he put it: "In this world, you either kill or die... orrrrrr (heh, heh, hehhhhhh) DIE AND KILL! BWAAAHH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAA!! (Kaff! Kaff!) Excuse me while I find a cough drop."

2) Meanwhile in pubescent land, Blossom is experiencing her first period! HA-HA-HA GROSS, right? And since her mom ran away to become a rock star, she has to go to the drug store alone to pick up some tampons. Unfortunately, a teenage school chum (a very young Giovanni Ribisi—SQUEEEEEE!) is working the counter, so Blossom lies her ovaries off about the tampons not being for her and leaves in abject mortification. Luckily her best friend "Six"—I know, right?—drops by the house to deliver some tampons, pads and words of encouragement about the blood squirting out of their vaginas.

3) Meanwhile back at the prison, the gang is apparently packing up and moving out to avoid an all-out war with the Guv'nah—and l'il Carl is pissed! (Hey grumpy Carl! Be happy you're not Blossom!) When the Guv and his shitty townsfolk army arrive they come into the prison with guns blazing—but wait! Rick's Rangers aren't here! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Oh, shit, they are here and they're shooting guns at us!! WE DID NOT EXPECT THIS. Retreat! Reeeetreeeeat!!! Rick is all like, HA-HA-HA we won, and Carl is all like BLAM-BLAM-BLAM, I'm shooting a retreating Guv'nah crony in the face. And Drunky McFarmerson's finger is all like WAG-WAG-WAG.

4) Back at Blossom's, her bros Joey and Anthony (wearing suspenders and a fanny pack) are in the kitchen eating ice cream when Blossom bursts in to bitch them out for absolutely no reason! What is she? On her period or something? Later that night, Blossom wishes she had a real on-site mom to coach her through this trying time and has a dream that Clair Huxtable (from The Cosby Show) is her mom!! Oh, man, I would be just like Carl and kill everyone on earth for Clair Huxtable to be my mom. (As long as she's not dead and haunting Rick, right?)

5) Meanwhile back on the road, the Guv stops his fleeing chicken-shit army and screams, "Let's go back and get those a-holes!" Unfortunately one person speaks up to say this is not a great idea, and so the Guv takes his gun and MOWS THEM ALL DOWN. (Okay. That's one way to handle it.) Meanwhile back in Blondie's torture room, Drippy lies dying on the floor, which means that Blondie only has a few minutes to pick up those dropped pliers with her monkey feet and get herself loose—but instead she uses at least a minute or two of those precious seconds to philosophize about how morally superior she is, and stare meaningfully at Drippy. SHE IS SO FUCKING STUPID. It's official.

6) Back at Blossom's recent mortification, Dad decides the best way to deal with Blossom's period is to attack it head on, and call a family meeting where he announces to everyone, "Hey, Blossom's got her period!" Weirdly, this does not get the reaction he was expecting. And Blossom rushes off to her room to cry and bleed in peace.

7) Meanwhile, Rick is all like, "Carl, why did you kill that retreating Woodsburyian?" And Carl is all like, "Videogames made me do it!!" Okay, fine, he said, "Because why should I leave someone alive that's just going to turn around and try to kill us? In other words, pop, you're a PUSS." Rick has no response to that—but decides to grab Michonne and Racisty McRedneck to go after the Guv'nah. (Do you ever get the feeling that Rick's plans aren't really plans at all?) On the way, they meet a survivor of the Guv's roadside massacre, who gets them inside with some help from Tyreese (AKA the one black guy they haven't killed yet.)

8) Meanwhile back in Tamponsville, Dad makes up for his colossal blunder by braiding Blossom's hair and taking the entire family out for Chinese food. He makes it known that while he'll never take the place of Blossom's mom—he can take them out for Chinese food. So there's that? In a comedic attempt to understand Blossom's "rules" about her period, Joey asks, "Do I have to knock on your bedroom door before I come in now?" [UPROARIOUS CANNED STUDIO LAUGHTER, AND… fin.]

9) Back at Blondie's torture room, Rick's Rangers hear some disturbing zombie munching sounds behind the door, and when they open it they discover... dead zombie Drippy McHenchman! EWWWWW! And Blondie McGunnerson alive but with a big chunk bitten out of her neck. EWWWWWW!! Knowing that she's a pre-zombie goner, Blondie courageously volunteers to shoot herself... but not before delivering yet another terrible, sanctimonious monologue. OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, JUST SHOOT YOURSELF ALREADY!! HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH??? Cut to BANG!! Cut to a yellow school bus pulling up to the prison, where a bunch of old and infirm people (and Tyrese) from Woodsbury are apparently moving in. Cut to Carl scowling, "What the FUCK?!? Why didn't we all just move to Woodsbury which has all the ammo and food? FUCK THESE GUYS, I'M OUTTA HERE!!" Cut to the ghost of Lori/Clair Huxtable who isn't there anymore, and a sunshiny day of zombies frolicking in the field looking like a hipster's Instagram account. THE END.

10) Other than that Blossom episode, a pretty disappointing night of TV, guys! That Walking Dead season finale was a definite let down other than the demise of Blondie McGunnerson whose only job this season was to annoy the shit out of me. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE? Leave your comments below, and don't forget to wear your flower hat and tampon.

"Wait... zombies can't smell my period, right?"

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Will You Accept an Old Veronica Mars?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 11:44:17 -0700

Here's a sneaky peek at the plot of the upcoming Veronica Mars Kickstarter movie, courtesy of creator Rob Thomas:

#veronicamarsmovie insider info: after nine years out of the biz, a case pulls Veronica back to Neptune in time for 10yr reunion.
— Rob Thomas (@RobThomas) March 26, 2013

And here's a sneaky peek at this coming week's I Love Television™ column in which I kind of poo-poo the Veronica Mars Kickstarter movie:

The sad fact of the matter is that the primary reason I loved teen detective Veronica Mars was because she was a teen. Sure, Veronica acted tough—but while cracking crimes were relatively easy, the treacherous/treasonous waters of high school exposed her vulnerability to a heart-breaking degree. So how can an adult Veronica Mars be more interesting than a teenage Veronica Mars? Answering that question is hopefully where your Kickstarter donation is going.

So sorry, Rob Thomas. While I will certainly pay to see Veronica Mars (the movie), I’m not paying for you to figure out how to make it not terrible.

Read the rest here!

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The Walking Dead (and Boy Meets World) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:02:37 -0700

Guys! Normally I do a combo platter of recaps of The Walking Dead and Girls... because they're basically the same show. HOWEVER! Girls ended their season last week, and The Walking Dead's season finale isn't until next week! So naturally I'm going to recap this week's episode of Dead and an episode of Boy Meets World after the jump... because... UMM, YEAH. Let's get chitty chatting!

"Thumbs up to this idea."

Here are my recaps of The Walking Dead's "This Sorrowful Life," and season two, episode seven of Boy Meets World, entitled "Wake Up, Little Cory."

1) Rick wakes up and decides, "Hey, I'm going to do something kind of freaky and out of character for me... now call me crazy, but wouldn't it be super awesome to give Michonne over to the Guv'nah—who will certainly torture her to death? Huh? Huh?" Farmer McDrunky, and Daryl are all like, "Oh, huh? Yeah, sure whatever, you're the boss. Can I chop lettuce instead of making fries today?" Racisty McRedneck agrees too, but of course he would, because he's Racisty McRedneck.

2) Meanwhile in Mr. Turner's class, the kids are BORED STIFF by their teacher's snoozy lecture on Shakespeare, so he instructs them to make a documentary on love and sex starring their family and friends... because OF COURSE. Mr. Feeney is justifiably dubious.

3) Whoops! Rick changes his mind. "What can I say? I'm the mercurial sort!" Unfortunately, Racisty decides to take the situation into his own hands, club Michonne over the noggin, and lead her on the loooooongest, most scenic road trip to Woodsbury ever. (Seriously, I thought this place was like two miles away from the prison!)

4) Meanwhile, back in the sex documentary editing room, Cory and Topanga decide to work late into the night to finish their sexy documentary project because they are good kids—even though they totally lied to their parents about where they were! (As we all know, Topanga is the gateway drug to heroin.) The pair work so hard that they fall asleep on the editing room floor and stay there all... night... long. Hijinx, prepare to ensue!

5) Glenn asks Maggie to marry him. Actually, he DOESN'T ask, he just gives her a ring he chopped off the hand of a zombie, and she assumes the best. THAT IS ONE FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP.

6) It's a bright new morning at school, and what's this? The janitor and Mr. Feeney walk into the editing room to discover... GASP!! Both kids completely naked and Topanga riding Cory "reverse cowgirl-style"!! (Okay, fine, not really, that's just my fan fiction.) Naturally the other kids at the school hear about their impromptu sleep over and assume they're doing it reverse cowgirl-style. The boys are psyched and hold Cory in high regard, while poor Topanga gets slut shamed. BOOOOOOO SLUT SHAMING!!

7) Meanwhile back in the longest road trip ever, Michonne taps into the last bit of humanity Racisty has left, and he lets her go. AWWWW. Then he liquors up, and plays Pied Piper with the zombies, leading them to the Guv'nah's meeting place, where he picks off a few of the bad guys before finding himself on the business end of the Guv'nah's gun. See?? Even armless racists aren't all bad.

8) Meanwhile in Topanga's brain, she figures that as long as she's being called a slut, she and Cory should just go ahead and do it! AWWWWWESOME!!! Unfortunately, Cory's stupid morals get in the way again, and ruin the entire show for everyone. Topanga says, "I want my good name back!" Cory responds, "Some people would argue that Topanga's not the best name to begin with." SNAP!! Wicked hot retort, Cory. Hey, Topanga! Need some salve for that burn?

9) Meanwhile back at the prison, Rick's like, "Oh shit! Racisty totally carried out my plan—and I was just joking!" So Daryl quickly combs his hair to look like a member of Fall Out Boy and rushes off to save her—but discovers that the Guv'nah turned Racisty into Racisty McZOMBIE! Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!! (Okay, actually I think he got what he deserved. Guys! He was a super jerk! Don't be so easily manipulated!)

10) Back in class, Cory shows his documentary in which he admits he did NOT dry bone Topanga as he had led everyone to believe. Topanga is relieved that she doesn't have to have sex with Cory. Everyone's dreams are crushed. THE END.

11) WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THOSE TWO EPISODES? Leave your comments below, and stay tuned for next week's slam-bang season finale of The Walking Dead, which will hopefully not be as stupid as this one was.

Courtesy AMC
"Guys. GUYS! Look I just want to know where Daryl gets his haircut. GUYS!!"

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Vote for Your Favorite Cosby Show Sweater

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:00:32 -0700

At first I was like, "Oh, this is a cute idea." And then I was like, "FUCK! This is FASCINATING!" You are currently invited to vote for your favorite sweater ever from The Cosby Show on Bill Cosby's personal site. The poll is currently only in the second round of voting, so it's still early and the choices are still varied enough for you to make a real difference in how this election turns out—so VOTE!! Here's my favorite, which is currently in the lead (YAY!) but not by an awful lot (BOO!).

And if you have time to fall down the internet hole today, check out this 12-minute-long bio of Dutch designer Koos Van Den Akker—the creator of "the Cosby Sweater" (via Vice).

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Jon Hamm Ordered to Wear Underpants; An Angry Nation Reacts

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:42:09 -0700

The New York Daily News reports:

An AMC insider tells Confidenti@l that during filming of the sixth season of the hit show Mad Men — when the ’60s-style clothing was a tight fit — star Jon Hamm was politely instructed by a staffer at the network to please wear underwear while shooting his scenes.

“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination,” a source tells us. “Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear.”

Or, you know, on the other hand, the network can BUTT THE FUCK OUT!!! America is deeply enamored with Jon Hamm's impressive bird, and simply put, we will not STAND for it to be shackled in any form—especially in circulation-restricting underpants! And apparently, Jon Hamm's rep agrees with us, telling the Daily News...

“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

What? OH. Hmmm... well in that case, maybe Jon Hamm's rep should join AMC in BUTTING THE FUCK OUT!!! Fly, Jon Hamm's bird! FLYYYYYY!!

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Spring Breakers: It Says a Lot About You

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Spring Breakers: It Says a Lot About You by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Here are some of the problems you may have with director Harmony Korine's already-infamous Spring Breakers: (1) The young college gals depicted in the film invite degradation upon themselves with voracious, proud abandon. (2) Plotwise, there's probably less here than meets the eye. And (3) perhaps most importantly, Spring Breakers may make you come to the sudden, surprising realization that you have a big stick up your ass.

Korine is well-known for pushing viewers' buttons—whether in his nihilistic screenplay for Kids, or by directing the glue-sniffing Gummo and the sociopathic, trash-humping Trash Humpers—but in Spring Breakers, he takes on a topic much closer to home, or at least our imaginations. Spring Breakers is a stark, dreamy, and horrifically hilarious tip o' the hat to Girls Gone Wild—where the girls go one step wilder.

Former Disney princesses Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens (along with Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine) are bored students at a boring unnamed college, trapped by their surroundings and future—so of course they're going to rob a chicken restaurant to fund their spring-break trip to Florida. Upon arrival at their destination, they happily succumb to the riptide of unbridled bacchanalia, where an endless parade of tits are exposed (whether requested or not) and dead-eyed boys mime urinating into the mouths of random girls with endless pours of beer. Coke is snorted off bellies and nipples, and the possibility of gang rape is never very far away.

So is it a surprise when things go wrong? Umm, no. But an unlikely savior, in the form of local rapper/drug dealer Alien (James Franco), provides momentary rescue—that leads the foursome into (if you can imagine it) even more menacing territory.

This is one hell of a polarizing film, and I'll say right now that, as someone who's sick of stale, predictable Hollywood product, I loved Spring Breakers. I loved the lack of judgment it placed upon its characters. I loved the constant twists, turns, and dead ends. I loved the dreamy, looping snippets and dialogue that fuck with the film's timeline. I loved former High School Musical star Hudgens's balls-out performance, as well as Franco, whose ridiculous, menacing drug dealer is one of the funniest, saddest, and (yep) deepest portrayals of such a character I've seen so far. But most of all? I loved the dearth of easy answers.

There's a chance you'll see and despise Spring Breakers—but there's also a very good chance that your reaction will reflect less on the film and more on you.

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Backward: The New "Forward"!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 11:54:00 -0700

Check out this cool video created by Mess Kopp that's set to the tune of “Forward” from Fred V. & Grafix. The entire video was shot with the main subject walking backward—and then reversed, so it makes it look like HE'S the only normal one and everybody ELSE are the assholes walking backward! HA! HA! HA! Backward walking a-holes!!

(No, seriously. It's cool. Check it out.)

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The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 13:11:47 -0700

Last night signaled the SEASON FINALE of Girls—and since there's still two episodes left of The Walking Dead, this is the last Chitty-Chat Club in which we can make unfair comparisons (though there's always next year!). Hit the jump for my recap of both shows, and weigh in with your unfair comparative comments. LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!

Courtesy AMC
"I've got a speculum... and I know how to use it!"

Here's what I'm thinking about the season finale of Girls and The Walking Dead: "Prey."

1) So much more happened in the 30 minute season finale of Girls than in Dead... so let's start there! Hannah is still recovering from the brutal Q-tip attack from last week, and is naturally letting it distract her from completing her e-book—which is due, like, TODAY and that the publishers have already paid for, btw! (Look at it this way, Hannah—no money, no Q-tips.)

2) In a Deadsville flashback, Blondie McGunnerson asks what's up with Michonne's chained up armless/jawless zombie pets, and after a couple of silent, meaningful exchanges, Michonne says cryptically, "They deserved what they got. They weren't human to begin with." Wait... they were used car salesmen?? GROSS. Meanwhile, flash forward to the Guv'nah who is constructing his own S&M dungeon complete with chains, a dentist chair, and random icky medical tools including... a speculum?? GROSSSSSSSS!!!

3) Meanwhile back in Terrible Relationshipsville, Shoshanna gives Ray the heave-ho even after he takes on his new much more important (but not really important at all) position at Grumpy's (Hi, Colin Quinn!), vowing to take him back when he stops being such a goddamn resident of Frowny Town, and in the meantime, to not french kiss any random blonde boys because that is so unlike her. (FORESHADOWING.) Meanwhile, following their fuckscapade in Charlie's office, Marnie assumes they're going to settle down, get married, and have a kitten. Charlie's all like, "UMMM... WHAT?" And then he's all like, "This is the worst idea ever, but since I'm a puss, OKAY. I just can't quit you, Marnie!!" Gross.

4) Meanwhile back at the Woodsbury College of Liberal Arts, Drippy McLackeyson tells Blondie that the Guv'nah is going to kill Rick's Rangers even if they deliver Michonee. So Blondie's like, "Okay then, I'm finally going to do what I should've done since day one, but didn't because I'm stupid. I'm gonna kill him!!" And Drippy's all like, "Don't." And she's all like, "Okay!" (I hate Blondie sooooo much.) Blondie jumps the wall while Tyrese and his sexy sis Sasha turn a blind eye, informing them on the way out that the Guv'nah's a creep. And at first Tyrese is like, "No way!" Until he sees the zombie pit that the Guv'nah plans on unleashing on Rick's Rangers, and he's like "Yes way!" Until the Guv'nah tells him that the zombie pit is just a sweet little ploy to simply scare the prison gang, and Tyrese is all like, "Oh. In that case, no way." MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND, TYRESE.

5) Meanwhile back in Adam's creepy apartment, his new girlfriend (the daughter of Billy Crystal's wife in The Princess Bride) is now telling Adam how to fuck since his last botched attempt where he was really sexually rude to her and almost squirted on her best dress. He doesn't like to be told how to fuck, and so in response, he trashes his creepy apartment. Boy, this guy really likes degrading sex!

6) Meanwhile in Deadlandia, Blondie is running to the prison in very uncomfortable boots, because she's too stupid to stop and get sneakers. The Guv'nah chases her into an old factory, where nothing much interesting happens except a bunch of zombies attack him, and he has a fun time shooting them in the head. Whoopee! Blondie continues to run to the prison in her uncomfortable boots, and almost makes it when the Guv'nah grabs her and says, "Next time you should really try a pair of New Balance shoes. The Silver Sneakers club at the mall swear by them."

7) Meanwhile back in Distractionland, Hannah ruins her hair and logically asks her former crackhead neighbor to fix it for her. She ends up looking like a leukemia patient, and crackhead informs Hannah that she is "the most self-involved, presumptuous person I know." Okay then, crackhead! No tip for you! Hannah leaves a tearful voicemail for Jessa—who THANK GOD IS STILL MIA. (I hope she never returns, and no, that doesn't make me an awful person. No tip for you, either.)

8) Meanwhile back in Woodsburyandia, Drippy McLackeyson runs into the Guv'nah and asks all cagey-like, "Hey, I was just wondering who burned up all the zombies in your zombie pit, because it was actually me, but I'm not coming out and saying it... it's just what I'm thinking inside my head. Oh shit... did I just say that out loud? SHUT UP, MOUTH!!" Meanwhile Blondie McGunnerson is strapped into the Guv'nah's dentist chair and gagged, which means... HELLOOOOOO SPECULUM! (Maybe he's just going to give her a pap smear?)

9) Meanwhile back in Hannahlandia, her pleading phone call to dad doesn't go so well, so Hannah calls Adam who sprints across town SHIRTLESS OF COURSE, kicks down her door and sweeps her into his arms! SIGH! It's just like Officer and a Gentlemen—except Richard Gere really loves degrading sex, and Debra Winger really loves receiving it!

10) And that is that! What did you think of those episodes? Who do you like and who do you hate? And what other show should I recap along with The Walking Dead now that Girls is kaput for the season? LET'S CHITTY-CHAT ABOUT THAT!

Courtesy HBO
"Dear Google: What are the side-effects of a speculum in your ear?"

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Good Morning, Kickstarter News!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 11:44:00 -0700

Kickstarter! Kickstarter! There's nothing else to talk about except KICKSTARTER! So c'mon! Let's kick it into "start"!

Veronica Mars KICKSTARTER surpasses three million!

Veronica Mars creator and KICKSTARTER genius Rob Thomas talks about kickstarting his Kickstarter with Warner Brothers over a year ago.

But what does Wallace (Percy Daggs III) think about the KICKSTARTER campaign? (Spoiler alert: Shockingly, HE'S IN.)

But what about a KICKSTARTER for Firefly or Dollhouse? (Spoiler alert: Shockingly, creator Joss Whedon is NOT IN.)

But what about a KICKSTARTER for The Gilmore Girls? (Spoiler alert: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT.)

Why the Veronica Mars KICKSTARTER is probably a bad thing for indie movies trying to raise money.

And finally, here is the only project worth supporting on KICKSTARTER—somebody wants to build an actual working Death Star. (Maybe to use against KICKSTARTER?)

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New Taylor Swift Video Humiliates Everyone Who is Currently 22

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 12:04:59 -0700

Here's what I learned about 22-year-olds from the new Taylor Swift video "22":

1) 22-year-olds like to dress up like hipsters. (This is an important distinction, because according to them they are definitely NOT hipsters.)

2) 22-year-olds are both "magical" and "miserable." But I would guess not in equal portions.

3) 22-year-olds are "happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time." Kind of like Alanis Morissette was 17 years ago when she had one hand in her pocket, and the other one giving a peace sign.

New Taylor Swift Video Humiliates Everyone Who is Currently 22

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 11:59:54 -0700

Here's what I learned about 22-year-olds from the new Taylor Swift video "22":

1) 22-year-olds like to dress up like hipsters. (This is an important distinction, because according to them they are definitely NOT hipsters.)

2) 22-year-olds are both "magical" and "miserable." But I would guess not in equal portions.

3) 22-year-olds are "happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time." Kind of like Alanis Morissette was 17 years ago when she had one hand in her pocket, and the other one giving a peace sign.

4) 22-year-olds have their own "gang sign" which is holding up two fingers on each hand. This is not as good as the 44-year-olds gang sign, or MC Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit" gang sign.

5) 22-year-olds wear cat ears—which I'm sorry, is so sad it absolutely breaks my heart.

6) 22-year-olds have the worst parties and are the worst dancers.

7) Taylor Swift is actually 23... but that's something 23-year-olds do. Wish they were 22.

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I Love TV: I Only Want to Be Serial-Murdered by the Best!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:15:00 -0700

Fact: I'm kind of particular about the way I want to be serial-murdered. Sorry, but I'm just not the type to be serial-murdered by any random Charlie Manson coming down the pike. That's why—when I'm searching for just the right serial murderer—the first place I look is on my TV.

Obviously there's Dexter from Showtime's Dexter, who seems like a very pleasant murderer, and I could totally see myself being serial-murdered by him. (He's got a nice smile!) On the other hand, I would most definitely not want to be serial-murdered by The Following's psycho Joe Carroll—who leads an entire gang of copycat killers. (Sorry, I'm a "one serial murderer" type of guy.) Nor would I want to be serial-murdered by Cult's Billy Grimm, who somehow tricks people into killing themselves. Umm... hello? That's just lazy! If I wanted to serial-murder myself, I'd do it without any help from this guy!

There's also the BBC's Ripper Street, in which Victorian-era England is terrorized by a bunch of different creepy killers—all presumably inspired by Jack the Ripper. Again... if you people can't think of an original way of serial-murdering me, I'll have to take my serial-murder business elsewhere!

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Batman Makes Every Movie Better

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:12:16 -0700

It's an arguable point that the inclusion of Batman improves any film. Wait. It's not an arguable point. The inclusion of Batman improves any film.

Now that that's settled, let's move on to gun control.

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The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: Makes Comedy Disappear!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0700

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Hollywood seems obsessed with capturing the concept of innocence on film—check out the lackluster and, at its core, cynical Oz the Great and Powerful—and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is no exception. The idea is that through magic, adults can reclaim the innocence of their youth. Unfortunately, thanks to uninspired performances and a terrible script, Wonderstone takes that innocence, locks it in the trunk, and drives it into a lake.

Steve Carell plays the titular Burt Wonderstone—an incredibly egotistical Vegas magician who, with his “magical friend” and partner Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi), finds his popularity threatened by a Criss Angel–like street magician (Jim Carrey). So Wonderstone sets out to devise a showstopping new trick—but complicating matters are a script that was apparently written by a bucket full of baby tears and leukemia, and performances that have less in common with comedy than they do with Sarah McLachlan’s pet-adoption commercials (or those ads featuring babies with cleft palates, if you prefer).

Besides heralding Steve Carell’s most unbelievable, unfunny performance ever, and besides Steve Buscemi being 127 years too old for his role, and besides there not being any actual “magic” performed (other than the occasional children’s trick), and besides the most thankless parts being assigned to women (poor Olivia Wilde and Gillian Jacobs), and besides each joke being telegraphed at least 20 to 30 seconds in advance, at least we can rely on Jim Carrey to gamely squeeze out the only two laughs in the entire production—though rest assured, he added these jokes himself, without any help at all from the script, which is currently waiting in line at Walgreens to pick up its prescription for Paxil.

Magic (and the innocence that accompanies it) most certainly is a dying art, and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is doing its part to finish the job—by smothering it. (With a pillow, if you prefer.)

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The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 11:20:00 -0700

In the battle of "Who had the most EWWWWWW moments," last night's episode of Girls beat out The Walking Dead by a wide margin. HOW CAN THIS BE?? Find out by hitting the jump for my spoilerific recaps of both shows, AND your observant observations in the comments. Welcome to The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Courtesy AMC
"Here's some advice: Never put anything in your eye socket bigger than your elbow. You're welcome."

So here's what I'm thinking about Dead's "Arrow on the Doorpost" and Girls' "On All Fours":

1) Daryl McRedneck, Farmer "One Legged" McDrunky, and Rick meet up with the Guv'nah and his henchmen to discuss a peace treaty, and—OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD. Who invited Blondie McGunnerson?? She's presumably there to facilitate the treaty, but of course she just ends up being an annoying drip who can't do anything right. Hat tips to the Guv'nah for kicking her dumb ass OUT. (Gaaaaawd, I hate her so much.)

2) Meanwhile back in OCDsville, Hannah is discussing a peace treaty with her e-book editor, and it is also not going so well. (At least Jessa—Girls' Blondie McGunnerson—isn't there.) Editor says the problem is something about her having a regenerating hymen? Whatever, she's not writing about enough sexy stuff, and everything she's written is terrible, and her deadline is coming up super fast, and GAAAAHHH! Cue OCD!!

3) Meanwhile, back at the barn, Guv'nah One-Eye is not interested in Rick's "don't cross our line in the sand" plan (which admittedly is kind of stupid) and after a lot of psychological intimidation, spills what he REALLY wants: Michonne. Give her up, and the Woodbury Liberal Arts College will leave the prison and its inhabitants alone forever. Hmmm... why don't I trust him??

4) Meanwhile back in Marnie's vocal cords, Shoshanna is feeling super duper guilty about her quickie affair with the doorman, but even after confessing to Ray, she discovers he's less likable now than when he was a huge dick. So she makes him lay down "a track" for Marnie's song, which she performs at Charlie's app company party and IT IS TERRIBLE!!! Faaaaar more disgusting than that one zombie who got his head squashed in by a baseball bat. On the upside, Charlie is turned on by terrible songs, so he fucks Marnie on his desk.

5) Meanwhile outside the barn, the minions get to know each other—and what's this?? THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH EACH OTHER THAN THEY THINK. Uggh. I hate it when this happens.

6) Meanwhile inside Hannah's ear, her continuing failed attempts to write her e-book inspires panic, a huge wooden sliver in her ass, and a ruptured drum when Hannah crams nearly an entire Q-tip inside her ear. EEEEEEEEEE!!! Omigod, this episode is SO MUCH more gross than The Walking Dead!

7) Meanwhie back in Blabby Barn, BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8) Meanwhile back in Adam's doomed relationship, everything is going great with his new girlfriend (the daughter of Billy Crystal's wife in The Princess Bride) until a) he starts drinking, b) sees Hannah, and c) commands his new gal pal to get down on all fours, before he roughly fucks her from behind, and worst of all, almost squirts his seed all over her new dress! Naturally, she—and everyone else, including zombies—are disgusted by his behavior. Nice work, jerk!

9) Meanwhile back at the Blah-blah-blah (SHUT UP PLEASE), Rick finally returns to the prison, tells the gang to get ready for war, and asks Farmer McDrunky to talk him out of turning over Michonne. Here's a good reason not to do it: YOU'VE KILLED ENOUGH BLACK PEOPLE ALREADY.

10) Meanwhile back at Hannah's bloody Q-tip, after getting the offending weapon out of her ear, she calls mom and dad who are, as usual, not very effective at parenting. HOWEVER! She does get some sage advice from mom: "Never put anything in your ear larger than your elbow." I think that may be a metaphor for something... though I'm not sure what. Anyway, Hannah responds by putting the same Q-Tip deep inside her other ear! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

11) Wow. So if you haven't noticed, Girls is getting darker than Dead—and I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I realize that being self-destructive is what being in your mid-20s is all about... but I've been there, ya know, and I'm not sure I enjoy revisiting it. ANYWAY! What are YOU thinking? Leave your bloody Q-tips in the comments and let's get chitty-chatting!

Courtesy HBO
"Here's some advice: Never insert a Q-tip deep enough to touch your hymen. You're welcome."

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If You Watched House of Cards, You Might as Well Watch Hemlock Grove

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 11:07:00 -0800

Since you're all about watching entire series on Netflix now (and you've already lost an entire weekend burning through House of Cards), why not lose another few days of your life on a brand new Netflix exclusive series starting in April called Hemlock Grove? Eli Roth (Grindhouse, Cabin Fever) is your producer, and Famke Janssen (yum), Lili Taylor, and Dougray Scott are your stars in this horror series about two dudes suspected of killing a young girl—one of whom is rumored to be a werewolf (!!!)—and their attempts to find the killer. The trailer kind of reminds me of Twilight—if Twilight had a bunch of sexy nude people in it, and was well written. Check it out!

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The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 11:26:43 -0800

Welcome once again to the only TV recap in America that recaps both The Walking Dead AND Girls—at the same time. (What do you mean I "shouldn't be so proud about that"?) Hit the jump for my spoilerific thoughts about last night's episodes—AND your "oh-so-observant" observations! LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!

Courtesy AMC
"Oh, so you're gonna kill ANOTHER black guy? Wow, sure, that's just awesome."

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking:

1) OMG, Hannah's got OCD! She can't walk into her apartment without looking over her shoulder eight times, opens and shuts the door eight times, and lays out and scarfs down eight potato chips! And I'm like... "OHHHKAY, what's the catch? I've never heard of Hannah having OCD before... Is she trying to channel the main character in her e-book? I call BULL POOPY!"

2) Meanwhile in Zombieville, a random hitchhiker must have OCD too, because he chases Rick, Carl and MIchonne down the road screaming for help at least three times. (The third time he wasn't so lucky.) Anyhoo, Rick and his paired-down rangers are on a gun hunt—very much like the panicked hillbillies I see every weekend at my local gun shop. We learn that Carl does not like Michonne very much—because he's an idiot, I guess? SHE'S GOT A BITCHIN' SAMURAI SWORD, IDIOT!

3) Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Jessa is still missing (YAY! Stay that way!), Shoshanna gets invited to a bitchin' college party (naturally Ray does not want to attend because he is over 30 and therefore worthless), and Marnie discovers that her wimpy ex-boyfriend Charlie is suddenly successful and RICH, RICH, RICH!! Oh, and Adam goes to an AA meeting and meets Billy Crystal's wife from The Princess Bride, who strongly suggests he date her daughter. OKAY, THE JENGA PIECES ARE IN PLACE.

4) Meanwhile back in Z-land, Rick and the gang are looking for guns in his old home town—which now looks like it's been overrun by the Viet Cong circa 1966 due to all the crazy booby traps. (Was that racist? I meant it in a nice way!) When suddenly, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM! Someone's shooting at the gang from the roof, but luckily for everyone, it's Carl that takes him down. After removing the shooter's mask—GASP! It's Rick's old savior Morgan! The guy that rescued him in episode one? The guy he's supposed to be communicating with via walkie-talkie? You don't remember him at all, do you? OH, NEVERMIND.

5) Meanwhile back in B-town, Marnie can't help but visit the still wildly insecure/but at least rich Charlie, and he asks if she's there for money. HAAAAAA!!! I LOVE THAT SO MUCH. Ray advises her to do what she really wants in life, but unfortunately that's "singing." Somewhat surprisingly she can sing okay, so Ray tells her to follow her dream before she gets ugly. Thanks, Ray! Meanwhile, Sosh gets bored at the college party and bangs the hot, but kind of creepy doorman. (Something tells me he's done this before.) Meanwhile, Adam meets the daughter of Billy Crystal's wife in The Princess Bride and she is HAWT. And PERFECT. And this is going to cause some Hannah problems.

6) Meanwhile back in Viet Congville, Rick allows Carl to wander off and get some baby stuff—BECAUSE HE IS SO TRUSTWORTHY—but at least Michonne goes with him. Surprise, Carl wants to stop off at a zombie-infested restaurant to retrieve a old picture of his family in happier times. Naturally the plan goes awry, but Michonne sneaks back in and gets the photo for him, and AWWWWW! Carl likes Michonne now! However, Morgan (remember him? no?) is Ka-Ka-KARAZY and does NOT like Rick and gives him a little stab. Rick tries to talk him out of his KAR-aziness, but no dice. However, after seeing Morgan, Rick decides he doesn't want to be so ka-razy anymore. So that was easy.

7) Meanwhile back in Judy Collinsburg, Hannah (who suddenly has OCD now, remember?) meets her parents who almost immediately realize that she's back to her old OCD hijinx, and so they take her to a Judy Collins concert, which naturally, is torturous. When Hannah has an OCD freakout and goes to the bathroom, Judy Collins says (from the stage, mind you), "Where ya going, honey? Sheeesh!" Umm... I'M GOING TO THE CAN, YOU WASHED-UP OLD HIPPIE NAG. IS EMBARRASSING PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO THE BATHROOM SOMETHING YOU STONE-AGE HAS-BEEN FOLK SINGERS DID BACK IN THE '60S?? FUUUUUCK YOU, JUDY COLLINS!!

8) Meanwhile back in no-longer-Crazy Town, Rick, Michonne, and Carl have their guns, their pictures, and their sanity—so it's back to the prison to kill and hopefully poke out the other eye of the Guv'nah! GOOD LUCK, GANG! (Oh, and don't forget to pick up that frightened [and now murdered] hitchhiker's backpack on your way out. Nice.)

9) Okay, so that's what I'm thinking! Did Hannah's insta-OCD rub you the wrong way? How about Rick's insta-sanity? Let me know your thoughts in the comments, Chitty-Chatters!

Courtesy HBO
"Listening to Judy Collins is enough to give anyone OCD."

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The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 10:56:03 -0800

Think it's weird for me to recap The Walking Dead and Girls as if they're the same show? WELL, THEY ARE THE SAME SHOW. Join me after the jump for this week's spoilery recaps, and chime in with your own Walking Girls comments!

Courtesy AMC
"People may despise me... but at least I ain't Jessa."

So here's what I'm thinking:

1) At the now zombie infested pokey, everybody is PISSED at Rick for chasing off after Lori's ghost when he should've been psychically reading the mind of the Guv'nah and preventing the attack on the prison! (Yeah, Rick! Learn to read minds, asshole!) Even Carl tells Rick he should step down—and promises management he will do a better job AND work for less money. Goddamn interns! Always trying to steal our jobs!

2) Meanwhile, over in Girls land, Hannah accompanies the most despicable character on TV (Jessa) to her parents' place in remote upstate New York. (You know... Farmer McDrunky complains about his missing leg all the time, but Hannah has a UTI—so just LAY OFF.)

3) Meanwhile in the now-not-so-cozy confines of the Woodbury Liberal Arts College, Blondie McGunnerson is convinced that she can sneak off to the prison, sing "Kumbayah" and everybody will be friends again. Oh, sweet Jesus, she is stupid. The Guv'nah tells Toady McAssistant to accompany her—but they run into Tyrese (AKA the next black person the show will kill off) and his gang, who decide to movie in and take up arms with the arthritic and asthmatic Woodburyians to murder any future interlopers (AKA RIck's Rangers). RAHHHHH!!

4) So Jessa's father is a flakey limey hippie dick—which is kind of the worst combination, don't you think? However, he's currently shacking up with the best-named stepmother ever "Petula" (played to hippie perfection by Rosanna Arquette). Hippie dad reminds Jessa that they "are not like other people" and for once, he's right. They are both spoiled rotten hippie dicks and I hate them, especially Jessa!!!

5) Meanwhile back at the prison, Blondie McGunnerson arrives and because she is terrible, no one is especially happy about her arrival. She gets caught up on the latest news and then shamed by Michonne because she's such a Guv'nah brown-noser. Blondie is given the advice to return to Woodbury, make sexy time with the Guv'nah, and SLIT HIS THROAT. Oh, and poke out his other eye, too—so they'll match.

6) Meanwhile back in spoiled rotten hippie land, Jessa gets her stupid itty-bitty feelings hurt when her dad would rather attend a lecture than spend time with her. (So would I! And you know how I feel about lectures!) So off she runs with Hannah, stepson "Camel Toe" Frank, and some other whippet snorting dude. After a terrifying car ride, Hannah jumps out and has awkward 8-second semi-sex with Camel Toe—which would not have helped her UTI (good thing he came inside her "thigh crease")—and of course Jessa judges her for that because she's the WORST!

7) Meanwhile back in Woodbury, Blondie McGunnerson successfully completes half of her assignment (boning the Guv'nah) but flakes out when it comes to the stabbity-stab-stab portion of the job, because you can't ask Blondie to do anything without fucking it up, and she's the WORST!

8) Meanwhile back in UTI land, Jessa boo-hoos to daddy that HE'S supposed to be the reliable one because she's the CHILD! (God, I hate her so much. Even when she's right.) So she takes off, leaving poor Hannah and her UTI behind. (Again, because she's the WORST.)

9) A fairly boring and terrible episode of Dead (in my opinion), and the sooner someone kills off Blondie, the happier I'll be. Girls was fun and thoughtful as usual—and for an episode about Jessa? NOT TOO BAD. The episode was certainly assisted by such great Hannah quips such as, "Whippets are what killed Demi Moore." HAAA!! Nice. WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK?

Courtesy HBO
Preparing for the UTI apocalypse.

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Taylor Swift and a Goat: Not Baaaaad!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 13:02:00 -0800

I know our government is (supposedly) busy crafting air-tight legislation on assault weapons and immigration reform... but I just wish that they'd take ten minutes and create a law saying that Taylor Swift cannot record a song unless she puts a goat in it.

The people have spoken, Taylor. The people want goats.

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The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 10:53:00 -0800

Did you watch The Walking Dead last night? Oh... okay, so a few of you did. How many of you watched Girls instead? Just about as many! So let's chitty-chat about BOTH, whaddayasay?? Join me after the jump for my spoiler-filled observations, and leave your own in the comments! LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING! (Oh, and you can talk about Downton Abbey too, if you wish.)

Courtesy AMC
"Now am I crazy, or did Hannah keep her clothes on for an entire episode?"

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking....

1) Glenn takes over leadership of the gang while Darryl is having a family reunion with one-armed redneck brother Merle, and Rick is chasing Lori's ghost around the compound because... HE'S KRAAAAA-ZY! Unfortunately, Glenn kind of sucks as a leader and rushes off to take revenge on Guv'nah Morrissey and the Woodbury Liberal Arts College gang. Instead, I think they should elect the zombie just outside the gate with half his skull missing. True, he's hungry for brains, but I love his position on immigration reform.

2) Meanwhile over at Girls, Hannah is so busy with her new e-book deal (due in a month) she doesn't even have time to be naked in this episode. (And while we're on the topic, Marnie's insistance on being "never-nude" is really starting to annoy me. If you're on Girls, YOU ARE NUDE 80 PERCENT OF THE TIME. End of story.)

3) Meanwhile back in Zombieville, Darryl rescues a Hispanic family (with some grudging, racist-y assistance from Merle) and because that could've gone better, Darryl decides to go back to the prison—with or without his stupid tobacco-spitting brother. (Notice how Darryl can't spit as well as Merle? His heart isn't into it.)

4) Meanwhile back in hipster Brooklyn, Marnie is asked by her not-really-boyfriend Boothe-Jonathan to host his upcoming hipster party, and because she's an insecure narcissist, she thinks it's their first party together as a couple. SHE IS WRONG. Cue boo-hoo.

5) Meanwhile back at the Woodbury Liberal Arts College, the Guv'nah puts Blondie McGunnerson in charge. (HAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! Right.) He also vows to forgive and forget Rick's Rangers, and not exact his revenge at the prison. (HAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! Right.)

6) Meanwhile back in Staten Island (where apparently really horrible people live), Ray tries to regain his copy of Little Women from Adam who coerces him into returning a dog to the aforementioned really horrible people of Staten Island. They argue a lot about something, and Ray is stuck with the dog. THE END (of a half-assy subplot).

7) Meanwhile back in crazy Rick's brain, Farmer McDrunky tries to snap Rick out of his funk while prisoner Axel (the one who looks like a young Col. Sanders) tries to make sexy time with Carol, but is stymied in his pursuit when HE'S SHOT IN THE HEAD. (Gasp!) Waitasecond... are you trying to tell me that the Guv'nah went back on his word to that idiot Blondie McGunnerson and is attacking the prison anyway?? DICK.

8) Think Rick's Rangers have problems? Hannah cannot complete the first sentence in her e-book! Arrrghh!! (Punches pillow in frustration.)

9) After pinning the gang down with gunfire, the Guv'nah sends a van-full of zombies (tourists, maybe?) into the prison, fires his gun randomly into the air and leaves. (Isn't that just like a man?) On the upside, Merle gets an opportunity to win back the affections of the gang, and... where's Glenn? Oh, here he comes. He was busy working on his e-book.

10) WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE(S)? Leave your comments in the mini-e-book generator below!

Courtesy HBO
"Staten Island is worse." "NO, Woodbury Liberal Arts College is worse."

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Valentine's Day Gift Suggestion: How About a Scar Fetish?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:25:19 -0800

Still looking for the perfect V-day gift for the scarred woman in your life? Check out this Funny of Die vid in which Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi, comedian/actor Brian Huskey (Children's Hospital), and Padma Laksmi's arm scar attempt to sell you the latest in romantic scar-flaunting fashions! Because... VALENTINE'S DAY! And... SCAR!

Padma by Padma from Padma Lakshmi

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I Love Television: Look Out! Two Shows Are Trying to Murder Your Brain!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 15:27:00 -0800

Let's talk about my brain for a minute. You know... how advanced it is. To help you understand the advance-iness of my brain, let's use the most fanciest, most expensive crystal goblet in the world as a metaphor. Would you fill the most fanciest, most expensive goblet in the world with a daiquiri made out of motor oil, used Band-Aids, battery acid, toenail clippings, Cool Ranch Doritos, and donkey sperm? No, of course not—you'd be called a goblet murderer.

WELL, AH-HAH! I'VE LURED YOU INTO MY INSIDIOUS LOGIC TRAP! Because, just as you would not ruin the world's most precious goblet with such a foul concoction, neither would you fill the world's most precious brain with confusing television shows!

After decades of producing mindless gibberish—shows such as The Nanny, Mad About You, Home Improvement, The Bachelor, Grey's Anatomy, and any number of CSI, NCIS, and Law & Order spin-offs leap to mind—TV is now flipping the script and producing shows designed to make you "think." Unfortunately, after years of turning our brains to mush, we've actually lost the capability of cognitive thought! So what the networks want us to say is this: "By the shimmering sword of Perseus! This refreshingly edifying episode of Fringe is the mental equivalent of a soapy handjob from Helen of Troy (whose face and soapy handjobs launched a thousand ships)." However—thanks to our now mushy brainpans—what we're really saying is this: "Durrrrrr... me not understand. Why am lady in show wear pants? (Drrroooool)."

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