MONDAY, AUGUST 4 This week of deadly selfies, falling knives, and fatal shootings of unarmed civilians by police kicks off in eastern Oklahoma, where today employees of the Wagoner High School reported for their first day of work for the 2014–2015 school year. Among the new arrivals: Lorie Hill, a freshly hired teacher who was presumably hoping to make a good first impression but was reportedly found drunk and pantsless in a classroom. Details come from CBS News, which reports that two fellow teachers discovered the kaleidoscopically disheveled Ms. Hill and then called the cops. "Police officers found her in the principal's office, where the school staff had been detaining Hill since finding her without pants inside the classroom," reports CBS. "Once officers arrived, they had to find a pair of shorts for her to wear and she confessed to drinking vodka in her car before the start of her first day." Arrested for public intoxication, Hill will be arraigned and released by tomorrow evening. "The Wagoner School District declined to comment on the personnel matter," reports CBS. "It remains unclear what kind of disciplinary action Hill will face as a result of the incident."

>>In sadder news, today also brought the death of James Brady, the former White House press secretary who was severely wounded in the 1981 assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan and survived to become the nation's foremost gun-control advocate—launching the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, inspiring the bill that requires background checks on gun purchases, and earning the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Today, the family of James Brady will announce that the 73-year-old passed away from a series of health issues, but on Friday, Brady's death will be ruled a homicide, with a Virginia medical examiner attributing the death directly to wounds sustained during the '81 assassination attempt. Could gunman John Hinckley Jr. face new federal murder charges? Stay tuned.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5 Speaking of crazy motherfuckers with guns, the week continues in Oklahoma, where tonight cops arrived at the scene of a Tulsa shooting to find the body of 19-year-old Jeremy Lake, an unarmed man allegedly gunned down by an off-duty police officer. Details come from News On 6, which tracks the scene to a Tulsa street, down which the aforementioned Jeremy Lake was reportedly walking with 18-year-old Lisa Kepler when they were confronted by a man driving an SUV. "[Lisa] told police she recognized the SUV as her father's so she walked over and spoke to him," reports News On 6. "She told police her father asked what she was doing in that area and she walked away. That's when Lake approached the Suburban and told [the father] he was the daughter's boyfriend." In response to this information, Lisa's father—54-year-old Shannon Kepler, a 24-year veteran of the Tulsa Police Department—allegedly shot Lake numerous times before unsuccessfully attempting to shoot his daughter. Later tonight, both Shannon Kepler and his police-officer wife Gina were arrested in connection with the shootings—Mr. Kepler on charges of first-degree murder and shooting with intent to kill, and Mrs. Kepler on charges of being an accessory after the fact.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 36-year-old man who allegedly threw a walker at an employee of a West Seattle nursing home, then sped off recklessly in his car, which he proceeded to crash in four different hit-and-runs before attempting to carjack someone at knifepoint and ultimately being apprehended by cops (who somehow refrained from fatally shooting him).

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7 The week continues in China, where this morning a 57-year-old man was enjoying a stroll through his hometown of Guangyuan when "his head started feeling strangely heavy," as the Telegraph reports. "But it was only when the local tobacconist stared at him, slack-jawed, and pointed to the top of his skull that he realized that something was amiss. As Mr. Xiao was passing underneath a high-rise apartment block, a five-inch kitchen knife had fallen from an eighth-floor balcony, embedding itself up its hilt in the left side of his head, but without piercing his skull." Regarding the self-stabbing knife: Its owner had left it in a flowerpot, and has reportedly stepped up to help with Mr. Xiao's medical bills.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8 In better news, the week continues with the ongoing public debasement of Mark Driscoll, the embattled pastor of Seattle's flailing megachurch Mars Hill, who today received word from the Acts 29 Network—self-described as "a network that helps plant Gospel-centered, missional, church-planting churches to a postmodern mind-set," and cofounded by Driscoll himself—that his and Mars Hill's Acts 29 membership had been revoked. "Over the past three years, our board and network have been the recipients of countless shots and dozens of fires directly linked to you and what we consider ungodly and disqualifying behavior," wrote the Acts 29 board in their letter to Driscoll, obtained by the website Patheos. "Ample time has been given for repentance, change, and restitution, with none forthcoming. We now have to take another course of action. Based on the totality of the circumstances, we are now asking you to please step down from ministry for an extended time and seek help."

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9 In much worse news, the week continues in the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson, Missouri, where today an alleged scuffle between a Ferguson police officer and an unarmed pedestrian—18-year-old Michael Brown, who is African American—ended with the unarmed pedestrian being fatally shot by the cop. "Witnesses to Brown's shooting said he had been unarmed and had his hands in the air," reports CNN. "Authorities tell a different story." St. Louis County police chief Jon Belmar said the police officer tried to get out of his vehicle just before the shooting, but Brown pushed him back into his car. Brown "physically assaulted" the officer, Belmar said, and the teen tried to get the officer's weapon. Brown was shot about 35 feet from the vehicle. The days since the shooting have been filled with violent street protests and increasingly alarming police behavior, which will likely require federal intervention. In the meantime, the FBI has launched an investigation into the shooting. Keep calm and fear all cops.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Polish family vacationing in Portugal, where the mom and dad attempted to take a selfie at the cliffs of Cabo da Roca and fell to their deaths. "The children are now in the care of Polish diplomats and have visited with psychologists," reports recommended