MONDAY, JANUARY 14 This week of unlikable liars, sex-fiend priests, and one singularly gross day kicks off in Chicago, where a shipment of 18 human heads has been confounding officials at O'Hare International Airport. "The heads were shipped from the United States to Rome for medical research, and they were then shipped back again to be cremated," reports the Chicago Sun-Times today, noting that "US Customs officials at O'Hare held up the shipment when they found the paperwork to be 'a little confusing.'" But in the end, it was all business as usual: "Everybody here is 'Oh my gosh, you got a box of heads' and everybody thinks that it's unheard of," said Brian Bell, a spokesman with the US Department of Homeland Security. "It is a potentially legitimate medical shipment. We've seen it at various ports in the nation."
TUESDAY, JANUARY 15 The week continues with the aforementioned day of singular grossness, which begins in New York City, where this afternoon a man fell and was killed while attempting to defecate between two cars of a moving subway train. Meanwhile in Detroit, police found the body of a 93-year-old man in his son's freezer ("The man's 48-year-old son reportedly told family members that he stole his father's body... to resurrect him through prayer," reports the Detroit Free Press). Meanwhile in the UK, the Food Safety Authority of Ireland announced that "10 out of 27 hamburger products it analyzed in a study were found to contain horse DNA," reports CNN. (In order to keep from further tainting the rest of the week, we'll go ahead and tell you about tomorrow's forthcoming grossness in Florida, where a 35-year-old man will plead guilty to returning used enemas to the shelves of his local drugstore, for which he faces up to 10 years in federal prison.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16 In better news, the week continues with President Obama, who today unveiled "the most sweeping proposals for curbing gun violence in two decades, pressing a reluctant Congress to pass universal background checks and bans on military-style assault weapons and high- capacity ammunition magazines like the ones used in the Newtown, Connecticut, school shooting," the Associated Press reports. The next step: getting Congress's ass in gear. "To make a real and lasting difference, Congress must act and Congress must act soon," said the president at a White House ceremony. "Behind the scenes, they'll do everything they can to block any commonsense reform and make sure nothing changes whatsoever. The only way we will be able to change is if their audience, their constituents, and their membership says this time must be different, that this time we must do something to protect our communities and our kids."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 17 In stupider news, the week continues with Lance Armstrong, who was today the subject of a special TV broadcast hosted by Oprah Winfrey, to whom the Tour de France–winning cancer survivor admitted he's devoted the past decade of his life to telling life-ruining lies. "Armstrong, 41, admitted for the first time that his decade-long dominance of cycling and seven wins in the Tour de France were owed, in part, to performance-enhancing drugs and oxygen-boosting blood transfusions," reports ABC News. "He told Winfrey that he was taking the opportunity to confess to everything he had done wrong, including angrily denying reports for years claiming that he had doped." (Among the skeeziest of Armstrong's angry denials: telling doubters how he's "sorry you don't believe in miracles.") For what it's worth, Armstrong's crappy confession seems to have done more harm than good. "If Possible, Armstrong Less Likable After Oprah" read the headline of Christine Brennan's column in USA Today. "He was even more unlikable than one might have imagined," wrote Brennan. "He was smug. He was curt. He was cold and unfeeling." And what's more: "He's opening himself up to an enormous amount of possible civil litigation here that could lose him millions of dollars," according to ABC News legal analyst Dan Abrams. Stay tuned.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 18 Speaking of mildly fascinating creeps, the week continues in San Francisco, with this amazing sentence from the San Francisco Gate: "The Catholic priest busted for allegedly dealing crystal meth was suspended after church officials discovered he was a cross-dresser who was having sex in the rectory at Bridgeport's St. Augustine Cathedral." That pretty much covers it, but for those who require more specifics: The kinky priest is identified as 61-year-old Monsignor Kevin Wallin, who stands accused of selling upwards of $9,000 of meth a week and has been charged with possession with intent to distribute and distribution of methamphetamine.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 19 Nothing happened today, unless you count the person who was accidentally shot at a gun show in Indiana, the person who was accidentally shot at a gun show in Ohio, and the three people (one a retired sheriff's deputy) who were accidentally shot at a gun show in North Carolina. All five shot people survived their shootings and look forward to getting accidentally shot at another gun show in the future.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 20 In much worse news, the week ends outside Albuquerque, where today a 15-year-old boy was charged with two counts of murder and three counts of child abuse resulting in death after his parents and three of their children were found fatally shot last night in their rural New Mexico home. As local authorities told CNN, each victim was shot multiple times, and one of the weapons used was described as "an assault rifle." Condolences to all, forever.