January 23, 2013

I, Anonymous

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Steven Weissman

I can't believe I didn't run, not walk, from you on our third date when you bragged about being a good liar. The next weekend, you took me to see that joke band and then casually mentioned on our way out that you had slept with the dorky lead singer. Next date, you got stoned and told me a rambling story about your first fiancé who had tried to control you so you cheated on him. "I love men and men love me," you said, and when I think about it now, I throw up a little bit. I could have put up with the drinking, the mood swings, your vanity, your ridiculous schedule, and how selfish you were in bed if you had not insisted on talking about previous guys you had slept with and how many of them went on to do fabulous things. I used to think to myself: "I wish she would just shut the fuck up. And if these guys were so great, where are they now?" And one more thing, if you slept with as many guys in Seattle as you claim to have, don't worry about trying to conceal the fact that you color your hair. You might as well make the caption in your Facebook profile "The Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes!"

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.

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Comments (16) RSS

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That must've been some pretty bomb pussy. I bet she was super fun when she wasn't being crazy. Nothing wrong with hopping on one of those carnival rides every now and then, but we owe it to ourselves to get off when it starts a-shakin.'

Posted by mtnlion on January 23, 2013 at 9:14 AM · Report

Three dates and you were already putting out? Good luck with that whole rabbit-boiling thing.

Posted by treehugger on January 23, 2013 at 9:52 AM · Report

can i get her #?

Posted by Cassette tape fan on January 23, 2013 at 10:06 AM · Report

dude, you're totally missing the point!...... every one of her ex's have "gone on to do fabulous things"!

YOU ARE NOW FABULOUS AND WILL DO FABULOUS THINGS!!!!!

not too shabby, eh?

Posted by growler on January 23, 2013 at 10:43 AM · Report

Does writing an I, Anon count as having gone to do fabulous things? 'Cause if so, damn if she wasn't right.

Posted by turtlemilk on January 23, 2013 at 11:12 AM · Report

Wait a minute. If I'm reading this column correctly, when it talks about the drug-induced ramblings and the drinking, what it is really saying is that she in fact uses COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR!

Posted by ha ha ha ha ha! on January 23, 2013 at 4:16 PM · Report

"I could have put up with the drinking, the mood swings, your vanity, your ridiculous schedule, and how selfish you were in bed if you had not insisted on talking about previous guys you had slept with and how many of them went on to do fabulous things."

Translation: I'm totally down to date a complete asshole as long as she doesn't dredge up personal insecurities regarding my masculinity and sexual prowess.

Posted by Amanda Huggenkiss on January 24, 2013 at 1:56 PM · Report

@7 - Ha ha! I love you!

Posted by pinksoda on January 24, 2013 at 4:01 PM · Report

@7, right on!

Posted by Snarky on January 24, 2013 at 8:39 PM · Report

I think I dated that woman. Nice to know she's still talking about me.

She probably says how at ease I am within my skin, how secure I was with our relationship and how much I enjoyed hearing about her past relationships, good and bad.

We had a blast. Her selfishness in bed was a turn-on, for sure. I enjoy a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for or demand it. Yeow.

Posted by Cletus on January 25, 2013 at 3:48 PM · Report

"You might as well make the caption in your Facebook profile 'The Carpet Doesn't Match the Drapes!'"

Dude's a Bitch, too.

(Not to take away from the genius of Weissman's illustration).

Posted by Sandiai on January 26, 2013 at 8:08 PM · Report

12 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy

@12, if your roomate's step sister hadn't been spending so much time with her vibrator during her "bathroom breaks" maybe she'd still have that job. All the ecstatic howling she did during her "sessions" could be heard clear out to the office lobby.

Posted by MacGruber on January 28, 2013 at 1:58 PM · Report

@4: They went on to better lives AFTER leaving her dumb ass.

@7: Lawl, that too.

@10: Are you that excited to exclaim that one woman let you fuck her? Jeezy creezy. I'm sure the novelty will wear off after a few years.

Posted by the last guy deserves the OP's ex on January 28, 2013 at 7:47 PM · Report

Everybody already knows the correlation between crazy and great in bed. You don't bitch about it; you just kept having mind-blowing sex until you can't take the crazy anymore. Move on, man, you sound like a whiner.

Posted by lolorhone on January 30, 2013 at 7:38 AM · Report

"how selfish you were in bed if you had not insisted on talking about previous guys you had slept with and how many of them went on to do fabulous things."

Anon might think it was all worth it if he would just put two and two together and realize he just got blessed by a magic luck vagina. Sure, it was attached to a crazy person, but now you get three wishes.

Posted by DrReality on January 31, 2013 at 6:59 AM · Report