I, Anonymous

To the Lady on the Number 1 Bus

I wanted to turn to you and tell you how much I admire you this afternoon. I don't know you from Eve, but you are currently my hero. For blocks and blocks, you calmly rejected and shut down that (self-described) drunk homeless man who did nothing but try to break into your sober, recovering, formerly homeless life. "We're friends!" he said multiple times. Your calm replies: "I am not your friend," "I don't bring anybody home with me," "I'm happy living alone, happy being sober."

You handled what could have been a confrontation, the kind of conversation that often ends in confrontation, with so much poise and integrity that those of us around you knew we didn't need to come to your rescue. You handled it with more ability than we could have mustered. That guy got off at the next stop.

I hope that when you got home, you had someone to talk to, to debrief the conversation with. I hope your sponsor was available, or someone else to tell you how amazing and strong you are. Bless your heart. We all wish you well in your continued recovery.


Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.

Comments (38) RSS

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Theodore Gorath 38
@37: Dude, take the platinum ring and run then. Platinum closed at almost 1600 an ounce yesterday, dont'cha know?
Posted by Theodore Gorath on December 11, 2012 at 9:19 AM · Report this
@36 -

Dr. Dope offered to meet me at City Hall this weekend with platinum rings, cocaine, and malt liquor, but I turned him down. He wanted to bring St. Ides, and I only drink Olde E.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 10, 2012 at 10:01 AM · Report this
@34/35: As soon as I read "bless your heart" I immediately thought the same thing. Wasn't sure if this anon wasn't slightly caustic.

@Ziffy & DocM: Get a room already. Jesus tap-dancing Christ you two take the cake.
Posted by happy time on December 10, 2012 at 1:51 AM · Report this
@34 "bless your heart" is indeed a way of calling someone stupid. Am I the only one that thought this stunk of sarcasm?
Posted by Dentalfloss Tycoon on December 7, 2012 at 4:05 PM · Report this
Looking For a Better Read 34
Doesn't Anon know that "bless your heart" is actually a veiled insult?
Posted by Looking For a Better Read on December 7, 2012 at 3:44 PM · Report this
MacGruber, I've been flinging shit at Dr. Dope all week, and it seems that he actually likes to eat it.

I know there are people with that fetish, but I've never actually met one in person or "on line".

But of course if we were to meet at Victor Steinbrueck Park for this Shit Fling-off, we would actually have a variety to choose from: dog shit, bum shit, unidentified shit... That park is full of shit.

I would of course bring my own, in zip-lock bags.

But the crux of the problem is that Dr. Dope has an unhealthy fixation of me, and I sense that in part it is sexual, in a possibly perverted way.

So, I'm not inclined to meet him because I don't wish to be tied up with a ball in my mouth a la Pulp Fiction, and forced to let some Neck Beard like Dr. Dope have his perverted way with me.

There are plenty of ads for Rent Boys in the back pages of The Stranger that he can choose from to fulfill his fantasies of personal humiliation.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 6, 2012 at 8:25 PM · Report this
@Dr. Memory and @Sr. Zifferelli, can't you both just settle this the old fashioned way by hurling feces at each other at the break of dawn on some pre-determined grassy meadow? Say Victor Steinbrueck Park?
Posted by MacGruber on December 6, 2012 at 6:56 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory 31
Yup, third attempt just as pathetic as #1 and #2. I'd pat myself on the back for the prediction, but let's get real: everyone saw this coming. Keep plucking your single string, Ziff: it's fun watching it get ever closer to snapping.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 6, 2012 at 5:39 PM · Report this
Dr. Dope, your argument (such that it is) is so weak, you can only come back with "insults" about my use of italics and bold?

Dude (if I may call you that), it's December 6th, and the WEED is "flowing" like cheap alcohol in Belltown.

Can't you be just a little more creative?

You are a sad, sad man.


Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 6, 2012 at 5:13 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory 29
@27: I will never say no to either, as long as someone else is buying.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 6, 2012 at 2:54 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory 28
Sigh, and now we're backsliding: it's back to random emphasis on words. Ziffy, you do realize that sane people never do that, right? That people read your messages and go "jesus, who gave the smelly guy at the bus stop access to the internet?"

Also, protip: when your first attempt at OMG UR GAY completely whiffs past the mark, a second attempt only makes you look... well, let's just say even more foolish than usual. But keep trying, I'm sure the third time will be awesome!

As for my secret agenda, well... that would be telling.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 6, 2012 at 2:53 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 27
I don't know, Doc, me thinks you doth protest too much. Perhaps you need more COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR?
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on December 6, 2012 at 1:59 PM · Report this
The nicest Anon I've ever read. We should all be so strong.
Posted by portland scribe on December 6, 2012 at 1:41 PM · Report this
Ding! Ding! Ding!

Number 23 for the win!
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 6, 2012 at 1:34 PM · Report this
Once again, ask yourself... why don't people take the buses in Seattle more?

Ding! Ding! Ding!
Posted by Yep, I still Hate Seattle on December 6, 2012 at 1:12 PM · Report this
Borrrring. I misread the title and thought it said "to the lady who did number 1 on the bus". Boy, was I disappointed.
Posted by theOtherDan on December 6, 2012 at 12:34 PM · Report this
Dr. Dope, you really need to get over your obsession with me, it's embarrassing (not to me, I'm flattered with your attention even though I'm not interested in whatever perversions you have in mind).

Since you don't know me personally or really anything about me at all, all your "pithy" comments are really just you masturbating at your keyboard while making up fantasy nonsense that like most Interweb fantasies, has little to do with reality.

One really has to wonder about what your secret agenda is... You spend so much time assessing my comments, but make very few of your own “original thoughts”, but of course, that’s part of what an obsession is.

As Abigail Van Buren says, “seek professional help”.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 6, 2012 at 12:31 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory 21
@20: It is a physical impossibility that anything I do, say or gesture at in the process of mocking Ziffy's slackjawed droolings could be even a thousandth as tiresome as Ziffy himself. But fear not: I will endeavor to make this as entertaining as possible, and when it starts getting boring I'll move on.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 6, 2012 at 12:16 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory, I hope you bore as easily as you suggest. Methinks a self-proclaimed super genius with the truly sad hobby of harassing a "lackwit" in the comment threads of a free paper is going to get tiresome for all the rest of us pretty quickly. Don't you have something better and more useful to do with your time?
Posted by Posting anonymously to avoid becoming one of your "hobbies" on December 6, 2012 at 11:46 AM · Report this
Doctor Memory 19
Here's the thing, Ziffy: I get bored easily. And when I get bored, nothing quite alleviates the torpor like verbally bitch-slapping someone who's really, really stupid.

And here you are, slog's current most reliable source of stupid: a lackwit who has to hide out on the "I, Anon" threads because you know that they're a backwater and that you'd get cut to ribbons by the regulars if you dared show your face there.

So yeah, for now and until I get distracted, you're my hobby. And we're gonna make some beautiful music together, by which I mean the sound of your metaphorical head hitting the metaphorical curb in 3/3 time. (I like a waltz, me.) Because it's not that I'm a super genius (although, to be sure, I am), but it's that you are so very dumb. (Case in point: having thought about it really hard for several hours, the best you could do for a comeback was UR SO GHEY. Bitch, please.) It's gonna be awesome.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 6, 2012 at 9:26 AM · Report this
Soooo...I guess the MALT LIQUOR and COCAINE is a no go this week...well, OK, I guess...

Good on you, lady on the bus, well played. Defend your sobriety like your life depends on it. Cuz it does.
Posted by bkski on December 6, 2012 at 9:17 AM · Report this
It's so nice to read a positive I, Anonymous.
Posted by bakavaca on December 6, 2012 at 4:02 AM · Report this
I can see that you are obsessed with me, Dr. Dope, but I'm not gay, so you will have to live with only your fantasies of me in nothing but a Speedo "banana hammock".

As for #13 (suddenlyorcas), how old are you? 14? Because your comment is so, so "MySpace", and since MySpace is now dead, that would imply you are a paedo.

Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 5, 2012 at 7:15 PM · Report this
Cascadian Bacon 15
Posted by Cascadian Bacon on December 5, 2012 at 5:41 PM · Report this
I guess now we know where this guy gets off.
Posted by minderbender on December 5, 2012 at 4:57 PM · Report this
@11: You would know...
Posted by suddenlyorcas on December 5, 2012 at 4:35 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory 12
Ohh, oooh! Ziffy the attention whore has moved from "sheeple" to funny name variations!

It's like watching someone graduate from kindergarden to first grade.

On their 40th birthday.

We're all so proud of you, Ziffy! Keep plugging away at it; in a few more years you might manage to make some half-heartedly chuckle.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 5, 2012 at 4:00 PM · Report this
Also, I think people like this are potential rapists...
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 5, 2012 at 3:43 PM · Report this
Doctor Braindead passed the following gas:
fear not, I'm sure Ziffy is up to the task.
Wow, so funny!

Anyway, I think #9 nailed it. This jerk will keep up with this kind of patter until someone introduces a shoe to his balls.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 5, 2012 at 3:40 PM · Report this
You should have kicked Joe Cool in the balls and then asked,"How about some holiday cheer?"
Posted by ChrisHoogendijk on December 5, 2012 at 3:11 PM · Report this
Pick1 8
My question is about the image...were the eyes of the hobo supposed to be so...uh, phallic?
Posted by Pick1 on December 5, 2012 at 2:28 PM · Report this
Rotten666 7
good one.
Posted by Rotten666 on December 5, 2012 at 12:25 PM · Report this
Doctor Memory 6
@4: fear not, I'm sure Ziffy is up to the task.
Posted by Doctor Memory on December 5, 2012 at 12:14 PM · Report this
Posted by maddogm13 on December 5, 2012 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 4

How are we going to blame women for ruining society and attacking masculinity with this I, Anon?

Posted by Theodore Gorath on December 5, 2012 at 11:32 AM · Report this
So excellent!
Posted by Ancient Sumerian on December 5, 2012 at 11:22 AM · Report this
Posted by woofy on December 5, 2012 at 9:55 AM · Report this
Posted by easter bunny on December 5, 2012 at 9:38 AM · Report this

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