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My boyfriend left me for his chiropractor. Those damn back- crackers are the witch doctors of Western medicine, so I figure she put a spell on him.
As revenge, I amorously pursued an equally unlikely target: my dentist. I figured a man who has been so intimate with my decay would never leave me. But he, apparently, is one of the four or five happily married men in the city, so he sternly rejected me and asked me to find another dentist.
You ever try to find a new dentist? First of all, my shitty insurance pays for only one cleaning a year, so I'm fucked if I get a cavity or need a root canal. Secondly, none of my poor-ass friends have been to the dentist in years, so they don't have any recommendations. I ended up doing a Google search for "Great Seattle Dentist," picked the first result, went to my appointment, and got all Mengeled. Now I have to find a better, more expensive dentist to fix the damage done to my mouth.
I blame my ex for this. So I think I'm going to buy three or four floss boxes and sneak into his apartment late one night. I still have a key. I'm going to tie him to his bed with floss and then floss the hell out of his teeth. I'm going to floss until his gums bleed like an abattoir. Then I'm going to spell my name in blood on his sheets and leave him there for his chiropractor whore to find him whimpering.
So if you see a madwoman in the oral-care aisle of your local pharmacy, give me some applause. Ladies and gentlemen, I am your vigilante and will seek revenge for all failed love.