Features

2006 Regrets

We Regret the Erors

Mark Kaufman

Mistakes were made.

These words may as well be emblazoned atop each and every issue of The Stranger. For 52 straight weeks, an entire year, this wretched pile of pulp and ink—a bastion of smut, excess, and sexual deviancy—is distributed throughout Seattle like gonorrhea through a whorehouse. Lives are corrupted. Taboos shattered. Common decency mocked.

There is, indeed, no escape.

But what of simply not reading the paper?

The fallacy of this argument can be found on the cover of this very issue, where we find one Hugh Foskett in the throes of postdebauchery regret. Just three months ago, Mr. Foskett was, by all accounts, a fine, upstanding young gentleman—a college student prone to judicious studying and rather harmless, standard-for-his-age horseplay. He held an interest in debate and politics—an interest that led him, rather quixotically, to run for office as a Republican candidate in the deviant-infested swamp that is Seattle's 43rd District. There his tortured fame would have no doubt ended (deviants vote only for deviancy, after all) if not for the efforts of this paper's editor, Dan Savage, to prop up, and completely mischaracterize, Mr. Foskett's intentions and sexual preferences for The Stranger's own self-serving ends. Dragged from innocence, mercilessly flogged for ill gain, and eventually corrupted by the evil reaches of this paper, Mr. Foskett now stands a mere shell of his former self. He stands to prove that even those who purposefully avoid this publication still run the risk of finding themselves within its rancid clutches.

As this issue of The Stranger is its annual archive of all the blunders and misdeeds the writers and editors have perpetrated upon the English language and decent people everywhere, I can think of no image to better encapsulate the paper's malice and malignant nature than the image of Mr. Foskett on the cover of this issue. We should all regret that the image exists at all. Mistakes, indeed, were made. And if steps aren't taken, we may all awake one morning in a similar state.

—A. Birch Steen, Public Editor of The Stranger

recommendedIn the November 2 issue of The Stranger, music columnist Hannah Levin reported that Band of Horses were moving to Charleston, North Carolina, which doesn't exist. They moved to South Carolina. We regret the error.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that the bottom few lines of "All the Rage," Bruce Bawer's February 9 article on the Muslim cartoon controversy, were cut off, rendering the article literally impossible to follow.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that the word "environmental" was spelled "enviromental" on our February 2 cover. Twice.

recommendedBradley Steinbacher, the managing editor of The Stranger, regrets sharing an office with Dan Savage, editor of The Stranger, especially since Mr. Savage often changes clothes in said office, during which Mr. Savage routinely threatens to place his scrotal sack on the back of Mr. Steinbacher's neck. Sometimes this threat is sung to the tune of Frère Jacques. Both the threat and the state of Savage's scrotal sack are regrettable.

recommendedIn the visual art listings on March 9, Stranger art critic Jen Graves confused Tram Bui with a man. We regret the error.

recommendedStranger news writer Sarah Mirk regrets not double-checking the visiting hours for Yakima County Jail on November 5, resulting in a very, very disappointing end to a six-hour drive through a blinding rainstorm.

recommendedWith regard to Ms. Mirk, Stranger news editor Josh Feit regrets not getting the young, impressionable Ms. Mirk hooked on crack and/or knocked up, which might have compelled her to drop out of college and stay on The Stranger's staff.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that, due to a production error, the cover of our 2006 Strangercrombie catalog was replaced with a duplicate of the Stocking Stuffers page, resulting in a very confusing and much less sexy catalog, lacking cover model Ryan Downey's broad, bare torso and bulging green underwear. We regretted the error so much we put the omitted image of Mr. Downey on the cover of The Stranger the following week, even though there was no Strangercrombie catalog within that issue, which possibly caused further confusion.

recommendedIn producing our 2006 SIFF Notes pullout last May, The Stranger neglected to send the SIFF Fun Page to the printer. Instead, we sent a draft of a Stranger promotional ad. We regret the error.

recommendedStranger associate editor David Schmader regrets not buying more of that mushroom fudge from that lovely woman at Hempfest.

recommendedIn the August 10 issue of The Stranger, a feature story on the history of hiphop by Daudi Abe entitled "Going Way Back" was mangled by the production department, resulting in an unreadable piece. Like all the other times this same fuckup happened throughout the year, we regret the error.

recommendedIn the May 25 issue, Stranger public editor A. Birch Steen called Darcy Burner a "state senate hopeful." This was incorrect. Ms. Burner was a congressional hopeful. And she lost. We regret our errors and hers.

recommendedCharles Mudede, an associate editor at The Stranger and a black man, regrets not caring at all about being called a "schola nigga." The word "nigga," like the world "kaffir," has no effect on him whatsoever. He attributes this failing to boredom.

recommendedThe Stranger still regrets former film editor Sean Nelson's 2001 review of A.I.

recommendedEl Corazón regrets that its security staff treats people like shit.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that we did not actually coordinate the anti-Sonics conspiracy, as was alleged via a series of furious e-mails from the Save Our Sonics group following the publication of a profile of their doomed organization in the August 17 issue.

recommendedKeenan Bowen.

recommendedIn the January 5 issue of The Stranger, theater editor Brendan Kiley confused Eugene O'Neill and Neil Simon. What a fucking idiot.

recommendedStranger associate editor David Schmader regrets not dragging everyone he's ever met to see Constanza Macras/Dorky Park that October weekend at On the Boards, as it was one of the most exciting events in Seattle theater history.

recommendedErica C. Barnett, a news reporter for The Stranger, regrets alienating the disabled community in the city of Seattle, King County, Washington State, and much of Canada by suggesting, albeit somewhat facetiously, that wheelchairs be banned from express Metro buses. In retrospect, she wishes she had suggested that Metro equip its buses with more efficient wheelchair loading systems, à la Portland, and get rid of that loud beeping sound.

recommendedAnnie Wagner, The Stranger's film editor, regrets publishing the exact figure of Northwest Film Forum incoming programmer Adam Sekuler's "extremely modest" salary on February 2. Not because it made the entire staff of Northwest Film Forum, at least one board member, and at least one board member's spouse furious with Ms. Wagner, nor because it made it necessary for Mr. Sekuler to re-explain to his parents why it was that he was moving to Seattle, but because, by way of apology, Ms. Wagner promised Mr. Sekuler a beer that due to Ms. Wagner's own meager salary and even scarcer time she has yet to make good on.

recommendedStranger associate editor emeritus Sean Nelson regrets the past 10 months. However, Mr. Nelson regrets the prior 16 months even more.

recommendedDan Savage, editor of The Stranger, regrets "I'd Totally Do Your Momma, by Barack Obama" [October 26]. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

recommendedIn the June 22 Queer Issue, Stranger reporter Eli Sanders suggested that there ought to be a law against straight guys leading on gay guys in, oh, say, Las Vegas, while, say, the gay guy is on assignment, and while, say, the straight guy is wearing tight jeans and ankle socks and looking very gay and talking about past homosexual experiences and remarking on the phallic nature of the giant beverage container holding the giant drink that the gay guy has just bought him. Mr. Sanders does not regret the proposed law, but he does regret the situation that led to it, and feels he should have just kissed the guy.

recommendedCharles Mudede, an associate editor of The Stranger, is regretting that he is not in London at this very moment. There's a thick fog over that city, and Mr. Mudede would love nothing more than to be in a hansom cab, darting about those seedy streets.

recommendedIn a June 8 review, Stranger art critic Jen Graves reported that she was "not partial" to a video by Johnathan Lyon in which "a beam of energy bursts out of a dead woman's nipple." Everyone knows Graves is partial to energetic nipples, dead or not. We regret the error.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets power outages.

recommendedThe Stranger confused DJ Curtis with DJ Colby in an after-the-fact article on the September 18 closing-night party for Hump! This was especially stupid because it was our party. We regret the error.

recommendedStranger associate editor David Schmader regrets his inability to deal with too much reality, which caused him to write at least 75 Slog posts about the life and labia of Britney Spears in 2006 while completely ignoring, to cite but one example, the roving death squads murdering gays in Iran and Iraq.

recommendedKelly O, the new photography and multimedia jock for The Stranger's website, regrets still being the last person on the planet without a MySpace page. Ha! No she doesn't!

recommendedIn The Stranger's August 31 endorsement of Stephanie Pure for 43rd District representative, we incorrectly identified Jamie Pedersen of Preston Gates & Ellis as a lobbyist, when in fact he is an attorney. And a weasel. We regret the error.

recommendedCharles Mudede, an associate editor of The Stranger, regrets writing in the August 3 issue of The Stranger a review of The Moonstone, a book that was published 140 years ago.

recommendedChristopher Frizzelle, the arts editor of The Stranger, regrets being so stoned the month of August that he let associate editor Charles Mudede write a review of a book that was published 140 years ago.

recommendedYou'd think that the baiji, also known as the Chinese river dolphin, also known as the Goddess of the Yangtze, would regret becoming, in late 2006, the first large aquatic mammal to go extinct since the Caribbean monk seal disappeared in 1932, but we'll never know.

recommendedDue to a production error in the July 20 issue, the numbers on a map of proposed developments illustrating Tom Francis's feature about Seattle's future skyline were off by roughly one inch. The error made Mr. Francis seem crazy, and may have factored in his decision to quit the paper and move to Florida. The error had nothing to do with Weber + Thompson, who kindly let us borrow their illustration and who are responsible for some fucking ugly buildings.

recommendedAmy Kate Horn regrets the less-comfy-than-it-looksblaze-orange beanbag chair that has taken her office hostage.

recommendedStranger theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets answering an August 27 telephone call from Stranger editor Dan Savage, in the course of which Mr. Savage said: "Do me a favor. Bring your gun to work tomorrow. I need to get stoned and carry it around City Hall."

recommendedIn a March 9 column titled "Awaiting Your Response," Stranger news editor Josh Feit published a Freedom of Information Act request asking Alaska Senator Ted Stevens for all correspondence between Mr. Stevens and Washington GOP Senate candidate Mike McGavick. Had Mr. Feit checked public-records law first, he would have learned that U.S. Senators are exempt from FOIA requests. We regret the error.

recommendedStranger art critic Jen Graves regrets not listening to the editor who advised her to cut the weird reference to spaghetti in an April 6 review of an exhibition at Western Bridge. According to the published review, "It isn't that the group show of painting, video, photography, and installation... doesn't have serious concerns. As the Ragu people would say, it's in there." Wow, that's terrible.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets reporting somewhat facetiously on the arrests of two anarchists at Cal Anderson Park in the October 12 issue. As a reader calling him/herself "Bunnyface" noted via e-mail, this was shitty, traitorous journalism and hurt The Cause.

recommendedStranger associate editor emeritus Sean Nelson regrets that it's taking him so long to read the new Dave Eggers novel, What Is the What. His review was due more than a month ago.

recommendedIn the November 23 Stranger, associate editor David Schmader wrote, under Stranger editor Dan Savage's direction, a small piece encouraging the abduction of children from malls on the busiest shopping day of the year. The piece Mr. Schmader wrote was so crass and cruel he was certain it would never make it into the paper, a suspicion that was confirmed by Mr. Savage. Then the paper came out with the hideous blurb in its entirety. We regret these errors as well as any resultant kidnappings.

recommendedWhile preparing a piece for the September 7 Hump! issue, Stranger reporter Eli Sanders was invited to watch two wannabe male porn stars fuck. One of them had a nine-inch cock and said he was gay, the other had beautiful blond curls and said he was straight. Mr. Sanders declined the invitation. He regrets the error.

recommendedThe Stranger's Brendan Kiley regrets the Slog post on August 30 about the time he shat himself at the unacceptable age of 19.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that it can't seem to work up much misery over the death of James Brown. Honestly, if anyone ever lived a full life...

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that Corianton Hale left his job as The Stranger's art director this year to be a freelance designer in France, a country that deported 75,721 Jews to Nazi death camps during World War II, is currently storing 35 million cubic feet of nuclear waste (and continually plots to export more waste to Russia, Japan, Germany, and elsewhere), grants only limited freedom of speech to its citizens, and boasts a punishing exchange rate of .76 euros to the dollar.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that Greg Nickels has not been to a nightclub in years, and thus has no fucking idea what goes on in the city after 10:00 p.m.—an unfortunate oversight that has led to the most hysterically nightlife-unfriendly policies (no beer with that pizza for you!) the city has seen in decades.

recommendedDeborah Harry regrets the neon green jumpsuit with matching gloves she wore to Bumbershoot.

recommendedCharles Mudede, an associate editor at The Stranger, regrets his Slog post on the subject of sex with pregnant women. It was not worth the trouble or the insults he received from pregnant women who believe, despite the ugliness of their bodies, that men still want to fuck them.

recommendedThe Stranger news department regrets not recording the conversation during which the very serious and professional doctors at the UW Male Contraception Research Center were asked to read aloud the titles of the gay-porn magazines they keep on hand for test subjects.

recommendedIn the December 14 issue of The Stranger, the local electronic/hiphop group Foscil's name was misspelled "Fossil." We regret the error.

recommendedThe following sentence appeared in Stranger news editor Josh Feit's December 14 column: "By picking one religion over another, the Port was in all likelihood, breaking the law?" The comma after "likelihood" is extraneous and the question mark should be a period, obviously.

recommendedState Supreme Court Justice Gerry Alexander regrets being a spineless cretin who couldn't explain to The Stranger in an August candidate interview why he voted with the supreme court majority that found a "rational basis" for the 1998 state law banning gay marriage, but he doesn't regret it that much, since he won reelection.

recommendedStranger news reporter Erica C. Barnett regrets the Seattle Post-Intelligencer's use of the word "funky" to describe the Pike/Pine neighborhood of Capitol Hill, now, in the past, and in the future.

recommendedStranger Film Editor Annie Wagner regrets that Charles Mudede, an associate editor at The Stranger, was out of town the morning that Happy Feet screened, because a movie about a tap-dancing penguin with a white body and a partially black face named Mumble, of all things, was ripe for a theory-laden review exploring the history of blackface minstrelsy as popular entertainment and the parallels between this particular penguin and Master Juba, the 19th-century inventor of tap who once danced for Mr. Mudede's second favorite writer after Vladimir Nabokov, Charles Dickens.

recommendedSeattle Weekly regrets implying that The Beales of Grey Gardens was screening in Seattle as a midnight movie. That's what happens when your entire film section is written by staffers at the Village Voice. Moreover, Seattle Weekly regrets regularly failing to provide its readers with movie showtimes for Pacific Place, Cinerama, Uptown, Columbia City Cinema, Redmond Town Center, Oak Tree, and Lincoln Square Cinemas. That's what happens when you outsource your duties to CinemaSource and don't bother correcting the errors. Furthermore, Seattle Weekly regrets publishing on December 20 the information for a film program at the Grand Illusion that took place on December 1 and 2. That's what happens when—well, we're not sure how that happened.

recommendedIn the April 13 DVD column, The Stranger's Jen Graves wrote that her choice of television shows has become "moderately cooler" than it used to be. We regret the error.

recommendedDavid Schmader, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets watching so many TV commercials in 2006, especially those for Mucinex, featuring a cartoon wad of mucus and his wife (phlegm can get married but gays can't?), and for the Jewelry Exchange in Renton, whose staff is incapable of waving in unison.

recommendedStranger news reporter Angela Valdez does not regret dressing herself in a trash bag and sliding down Republican Avenue on her stomach that first night it snowed, although she does regret ruining her leather gloves.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets fueling a near-riot at Neumo's by reporting on dancehall artist Buju Banton's homophobic lyrics on September 21 on Slog. The show was moved to a different venue at a several-thousand-dollar loss to Neumo's, and the much-anticipated protest consisted of one guy with a sign.

recommendedDan Savage, author of Savage Love, a widely syndicated sex-advice column, does not regret one fucking word he wrote this year. Without a doubt some of the advice he gave was terrible, but anyone whose life was destroyed as a result of Mr. Savage's column was an idiot for following the advice of an admitted substance abuser whose writing appears in the back pages of weekly newspapers along with the escort ads.

recommendedThe New Yorker regrets David Denby.

recommendedReporter Eli Sanders regrets being unable to explain to 43rd District candidate Dick Kelley why he wasn't getting more attention from The Stranger. He also regrets how many times Dick Kelley complained about not getting more attention from The Stranger.

recommendedThe Stranger's Erica C. Barnett regrets her obsession with Nazi Germany, which even she admits is boring, especially to her friends.

recommendedCharles Mudede, an associate editor of The Stranger, regrets not writing more about Burial this year, as Burial is the greatest thing that ever happened to dubstep.

recommendedOn a related note, Charles Mudede, an associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that almost no one in America knows what the hell dubstep is.

recommendedJen Graves regrets accusing the Museum of Modern Art of being "caught red-handed" doing something the Metropolitan Museum of Art was actually doing.

recommendedStranger photographer Kelly O regrets her continuing tardiness in actually giving people their Drunk of the Week T-shirts. They do exist, she swears.

recommendedDavid Schmader, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that the super-mean stuff he wrote about the suckiness of the comedy club Giggles got cut from his September 14 profile of comedian Daniel Carroll, especially when Mr. Schmader heard about what babies the Giggles comics were about the not-so-mean stuff that made it in. Mr. Schmader also continues to regret the name "Giggles."

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that Robert Mugabe is still the president of Zimbabwe.

recommendedThe City of Seattle regrets giving $13,000 in grant money to the Conciliation Project, an obscure, terrible "theater company" that blew the cash on an incoherent and sanctimonious "play" called Global SeXXX-ism: un-wrapped, staged in January. The City further regrets that the Conciliation Project bragged about the $13,000 in its program notes, leading every person unlucky enough to see the play to conclude that the City's arts grants are doled out by halfwits.

recommendedStranger music staffer Hannah Levin regrets coming to the premature conclusion that Cat Power's Chan Marshall has finally gotten her shit together. Clearly, she hasn't.

recommendedThe Stranger's managing editor, Bradley Steinbacher, regrets revealing in an August 30 Slog post that he once got a pen stuck up his ass. Mr. Steinbacher also regrets that his younger sister Devon reads the Slog.

recommendedEli Sanders and Dan Savage regret not having gone to college with Hugh Foskett.

recommendedThe editors (save Dan Savage) regret the suggestion, in the above regret, that were Hugh Foskett, Dan Savage, and Eli Sanders in college together, anything would happen.

recommendedCharles Mudede regrets failing to apply for an American passport this year. He attributes this failing to boredom.

recommendedThe editorial department regrets in advance the departure of the best proofreader in the history of the paper, Chris McCann, who's leaving The Stranger in January to spend his days changing the diapers of a baby who will undoubtedly grow up to resent and eventually neglect its father anyway.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets vaginal tentacles.

recommendedOn June 1, Stranger art critic Jen Graves's review of three art shows ended, "However inscrutable animals may be, humans manage to be more perplexing." This only made its way into print because Graves believed she needed an ending. We regret the error.

recommendedStranger critic Brendan Kiley regrets not making his fake dismissal of author Laila Lalami ("some Arab chick") clearer in our Bumbershoot issue, as some readers actually took it seriously.

recommendedA. Birch Steen, The Stranger's public editor, regrets the 1/5, 1/12, 1/19, 1/26, 2/2, 2/9, 2/16, 2/23, 3/2, 3/9, 3/16, 3/23, 3/30, 4/6, 4/13, 4/20, 4/27, 5/4, 5/11, 5/18, 5/25, 6/1, 6/8, 6/15, 6/22, 7/6, 7/13, 7/20, 7/27, 8/3, 8/10, 8/17, 8/24, 8/31, 9/7, 9/14, 9/21, 9/20, 9/28, 10/5, 10/12, 10/19, 10/26, 11/2, 11/9, 11/16, 11/23, 11/30, 12/7, 12/14, 12/21, and 12/28 issues of The Stranger. The 6/29 issue was barely tolerable.

recommendedChristopher Frizzelle, The Stranger's arts editor, regrets fisting.

recommendedVan Halen regret the fact that they booted bass player Michael Anthony in favor of Eddie Van Halen's son, Wolfgang, as nothing good can come of this, considering the importance of Anthony's backing vocals to the overall VH sound.

recommendedIn the March 9 issue, The Stranger reported that Matt Fontaine was the director of a theater company called High Kindergarten Performance Group and neglected to credit co-director (and wife of Mr. Fontaine) Tamara Paris. We regret Brendan Kiley's deep and abiding sexism.

recommendedQatar's soccer team regrets beating the Iraqi team 1—0 in the championship bout of the Asian Games. Given that Qatar is relatively stable and prosperous and Iraq is a grisly hell, the Qatari team should have gracefully and not-too-obviously let the Iraqis win.

recommendedIn his September 7 column, Stranger news editor Josh Feit attempted to spoof Mike McGavick's drunken-driving mea culpa. The column included three elaborate footnotes and made no sense to anyone.

recommendedStranger associate editor David Schmader regrets not replying to your e-mail/phone call/Evite. It's not you.

recommendedThe Stranger's Drunk of the Week photographer Kelly O regrets even CONSIDERING the idea of hot-wiring that car after shooting the photo of someone named Big Mike at that loft party in SODO in September.

recommendedStranger art critic Jen Graves does not regret that P-I art critic Regina Hackett spelled art "afnt" on her blog earlier this month, because it was very funny.

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that the people in Seattle most deserving of Genius Awards are or have been employed by The Stranger.

recommendedCharles Mudede regrets that this philosophical paragraph was cut from his feature article "The Animal in You" [Feb 23]: "[Big Dick's] barn is located on the edge of a little town, Enumclaw, that's on the edge of the most densely populated, the most urban county in the state of Washington, King County. Beyond the barn is one last farm, the last farm in King County; beyond the last farm in King County is White River; beyond White River is the base of the biggest, and potentially most dangerous, volcano in the Pacific Northwest, Mount Rainier. The fact that there are so many horses in a town that stands at the very limit of Seattle, the fact that horse fucking was thriving here—none of this can be ignored. A horse (nature) fucking a man (reason) is a union (and a limit) that directly corresponds with the geographical situation—Enumclaw, or more closely, Big Dick's barn, being the point at which the city (reason) is terminated (or limited) by the wilderness (nature, volcano). But why should we stop there. Let's, like Kenneth Pinyan [the man who was killed by a horse's penis on July 2, 2005], go all the way. If we see the volcano, Mount Rainier, as the geological equivalent to the organ that got the horse its name (Big Dick), then we must see the town of Enumclaw as an anus. It is the final point of the urban body. And here we start to grasp the true meaning of Pinyan's death. The loved and desired Mount Rainier is always threatening King County—threatening to explode and destroy the urban body with mudslides and lava. The day that the volcano erupts and kills King County is the day that Pinyan's death obtains its true meaning."

recommendedTo this day, Dan Savage, editor of The Stranger, does not regret a single word in "The Urban Archipelago," The Stranger's response to the reelection of George W. Bush in 2004. The emergence of winning rural Democrats like Montana's John Tester prompted some to distance themselves from the rube bashing contained in "The Urban Archipelago." Not Mr. Savage, who believes that rubes are still rubes, and that if the critics of the "The Urban Archipelago" took a moment to read the essay again they would see that (1) it's not all rube bashing, although some of the funniest bits are, and (2) the main thrust of the essay still applies. To wit, the Democrats are the party of urban America, something they should embrace and run on, not run from. Mr. Tester's narrow victory in Montana would have been impossible without the overwhelming support of urban voters in that state.

recommendedMiss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today.

recommendedErica C. Barnett does not regret her insane feminism.

recommendedStranger associate editor David Schmader regrets not hearing the song "Vans" by the Pack until December 14.

recommendedStranger photographer Kelly O regrets ordering the "mixed pickle" at Annapurna Cafe, based on Stranger writer Angela Garbes's recommendation in the August 31 Eatin' Out column. It was crazy spicy.

recommendedIn a review May 11, Stranger art critic Jen Graves asserted that "temporary, non-site-specific exhibitions are not [Maya] Lin's strength." The Stranger regrets the non-word "non-site-specific," and that the entire sentence was not erased and replaced with: "Lin's show is pretty much shite."

recommendedThe Stranger regrets not having a spare $200K to buy Re-bar, and another $50K to install the mandatory sprinkler system, and another $10K to spend on pot and presents for our friends.

recommendedStranger news editor Josh Feit regrets any positive coverage Mayor Nickels may have gotten in the news section at any time.

recommendedStranger reporter Eli Sanders regrets forcing Darcy Burner to spend her time getting that restraining order against him when she should have been out campaigning.

recommendedCharles Mudede regrets not visiting the barber once this year. He attributes this failing to boredom.

recommendedThe Stranger had planned to feature a small child dressed for Halloween as Mohammed—complete with a bomb-shaped turban, à la the infamous Danish cartoon—on the cover of our October 26 issue, but the issue snuck up on us.

recommendedThere is nothing Sean Nelson, associate editor emeritus of The Stranger, regrets more about his career as The Stranger's film editor than not having assigned the A.I. review to Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede.

recommendedThe Stranger sincerely regrets that there were no submissions in this year's Hump! festival starring African Americans, Asians, or Latinos. Anyone angry about our "lily white" porn festival should find some sexy African Americans, Asians, or Latinos and MAKE SOME FUCKING PORN FOR NEXT YEAR'S FESTIVAL. Christ!

recommendedThe Stranger regrets that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is still the president of Iran.

recommendedErica C. Barnett, a news reporter for The Stranger, regrets her overuse and abuse of compound and complex sentence structures, a proclivity that all too frequently results in tangled, paragraph-long sentences such as the following, which, while grammatically correct, contribute to a general impression of a confused writer who doesn't know when to leave goddamn well enough alone: "Contrast these and other block-razing proposals with developments that have gone up on empty or underutilized lots in the neighborhood: the Braeburn and Cameo developments on 14th Avenue and East Pine Street, which replace a closed Red Apple supermarket and an empty parking lot, respectively; the 12th and Pike Lofts, which will restore a historic building and add 24 new housing units; and the Capitol Hill Housing Improvement Program building at Broadway and East Pine Street, which will replace a Texaco gas station with 44 low-income apartments"; "As for the most significant environmental investment: $13.3 million of the $18.5 million proposal would come from November's transportation ballot initiative, not the budget; only $5.2 million would be new. Of that amount, more than half—$3 million—would pay for trees: an important investment, to be sure, but far less important than reducing our dependence on automobiles—something the mayor's Alaskan Way tunnel, with its capacity for 140,000 cars a day, does nothing to accomplish"; and "Among the provisions bar and club owners found most troubling were a section requiring club owners to 'prevent' patrons from behaving violently or bringing in weapons or drugs ('I am not going to pat down my customers,' Red Door owner Pete Hanning said. 'If they try to keep it the way they had it written, we'll scream bloody murder'); a provision requiring club owners to patrol the area up to 100 feet outside their clubs for half an hour before and after closing time ('In Belltown, you'd have people crisscrossing people up and down the street,' Hanning said); and a section requiring club staff to call 911 any time they witness illegal behavior of any kind ('Panhandling and smoking crack are illegal too—we'd all be calling 911 constantly,' Showbox co-owner Jeff Steichen said)."

recommendedIn the September 28 Last Days column, Stranger associate editor David Schmader reported the story of the three-month-old baby girl in Harlem who drowned after falling into a bucket of her sleeping mother's vomit. He regrets everything, forever.

recommendedCharles Mudede, an associate editor at The Stranger, regrets that the sun that gave him life is a mediocre star. He wishes it were bigger, brighter, and blue like the sky.

 

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