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Sunday, December 16, 2007

Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas

posted by on December 16 at 12:54 PM

Last week I got home to find a fireplace in front of my bedroom door, built by one of my housemates, Kyle. He'd been talking about how we needed a place to hang our stockings. Well, this week he kept saying the house needed a tiny bit more Christmas cheer. I should have known what that meant... This morning, as I emerged from my bedroom (crawling out of the fireplace), I found this.

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The note:

Dear ZHouse,

I’ve gone through the trouble of finding the best Christmas tree that money didn’t buy. I hope you guys find it as nearly adequate and almost sufficient as I do.

– Kyle


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Lawyer of the Year

posted by on December 12 at 12:54 PM

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Seriously.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

For the Person Who Has Everything

posted by on December 11 at 3:33 PM

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Give the gift of self-esteem and sparkly poop for a mere $425.

Thank you, Slog tipper Sophie.

Smart & Stupid

posted by on December 11 at 12:55 PM

Exhibit A: Mathlete Breaks Own Record:

The world's fastest human calculator on Tuesday broke his own record for working out a 200-digit number using nothing but brain power to produce the answer in just over 70 seconds.

Alexis Lemaire, a 27-year-old Frenchman, correctly calculated the 13th root of a random 200-digit number from a possible 393 trillion answers.

The so-called 'mathlete' produced the answer of 2,407,899,893,032,210 in 70.2 seconds, beating his previous record of 72.4 seconds, at London's Science Museum.

A computer was used to produce a random 200-digit number before he sat down to calculate the answer in his head.

The museum's curator of mathematics, Jane Wess, said: "He sat down and it was all very quiet -- and all of a sudden he amazingly just cracked it.

"I believe that it is the highest sum calculated mentally."

Exhibit B: John Singleton to direct movie version of The A-Team.


Monday, December 10, 2007

Entertainment For Men

posted by on December 10 at 2:21 PM

My boyfriend picked up a Playboy for me at a big disco party at Nectar on Saturday night--for the articles, of course. He noticed that the April 1971 edition featured a "Playboy Panel on Homosexuality," and he thought I might find it interesting. I might--I haven't had a chance to read it yet--but after flipping through the magazine I'm thinking the ads might be more interesting than anything Judd Marmor, Phyllis Lyon, Kenneth Tynan, or any of the eight other people on Playboy's sprawling panel had to say about the gays in 1971. Page after page after page of Surgeon-General-warning-free cigarette ads, ads for malt liquor, crazy-ass shoes, stereos, and on and on. But my favorite is this ad for... well, it's clothing, I guess.

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Man. Look at those duds. Ever been to a '70s disco party and felt that the folks in their bellbottoms and pimp outfits and ugly shirts were overdoing it a bit? It looks like they weren't.

And it's hard not to feel awful for the black dude. Four hundred years of slavery, a century of Jim Crow, and then... a double-knit zip-up purple jump suit with a matching purple hat. Man. If you weren't for reparations before, you better be for 'em now.

Call Me Cinderella

posted by on December 10 at 1:12 PM

My housemate Kyle is a practical joker. He once paid me $230 for a gas bill—in pennies. And for the past month he’s been talking about how we need a fireplace for our stockings… Well, I got home from New Orleans last night (after the most terrifying landing of my life), and lo and behold, in front of my bedroom door, there was a fireplace.

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Dennis' Solution to Rising Local Rent Costs

posted by on December 10 at 12:21 PM

A seattle.craigslist housing ad that was spotlighted by Fark:

if you are looking for a room there is a house in bothell loser landlady and crazy too she will move in all the loser i rented the house last year when manager gary was in there he soon move out loser guy with dog move in and new manager dennis move in gang up with guy with dog and try to control the house i didnot do anything the manager say the will kill me the guy with dog sell drugs out of the window and in the front door the house is located at 198th and 200place in bothell the house runs to a deadend street landlord lady is crazy she break the law she cannot rent the house like that she look like a loser she sell drugs too i thing beware off this house you can get hert or rob.

Assuming this isn't deleted in the next ten minutes, the reply-to address can be found here.


Friday, December 7, 2007

Happy Friday! Don't get raped!

posted by on December 7 at 8:27 PM

Do you always find yourself tongue-tied when rapists are around? Me too! Annoying. Luckily, while waiting for a friend to finish urinating at a scenic I-90 rest stop, I overheard a vanload of pre-teen girls chant the following ditty:

No! Don't touch me there!
That is my no-no square!
I ain't got no action there!
R - A - P - E
Rape!
Get away from me!

Because nothing deters a rapist like a darling mnemonic device. Keep this one handy, ladies! Your no-no square will thank you!

(Seriously. That really fucking happened to me.)

Today Two Years Ago in Crazy

posted by on December 7 at 2:22 PM

From USA Today:

An Idaho weatherman says Japan's Yakuza mafia used a Russian-made electromagnetic generator to cause Hurricane Katrina in a bid to avenge itself for the Hiroshima atom bomb attack — and that this technology will soon be wielded again to hit another U.S. city.

Um...what?

Meteorologist Scott Stevens, a nine-year veteran of KPVI-TV in Pocatello, said he was struggling to forecast weather patterns starting in 1998 when he discovered the theory on the Internet. It's now detailed on Stevens' website, www.weatherwars.info, the Idaho Falls Post Register reported.

Stevens, who is among several people to offer alternative and generally discounted theories for the storm that flooded New Orleans, says a little-known oversight in physical laws makes it possible to create and control storms — especially if you're armed with the Cold War-era weapon said to have been made by the Russians in 1976. Stevens became convinced of the existence of the Russian device when he observed an unusual Montana cold front in 2004.

Makes perfect sense to me.

(Note: Title changed because the story is actually from 2005, which pretty much makes this whole post pointless. But since it's up and has comments already, I'll just leave it.)


Wednesday, December 5, 2007

For the Fundie Who Has Everything

posted by on December 5 at 1:02 PM

Turn your CHRISTmas tree into a festive pro-life statement!!

troops.jpg

Protect our troops--from the womb to the war. What if the fetus you were going to abort would grow up to be a soldier bringing democracy to a godless dictatorship?

Plastic replica of an 11-12 week old fetus, 3" long, holding a firearm in its precious little hand, with an assortment of other military paraphernalia, encased in a translucent plastic ornament, with a patriotic yellow ribbon on top. Includes a metal ornament hanger. If only a womb were this safe, attractive and reasonably priced!

(The description is an inspired fake; the ornament itself, sadly, is not.)


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Those Fucked Up Canadian PSAs

posted by on December 4 at 2:07 PM

Adrian posted a good one this weekend--and guess what? There are plenty more where that came from...

Actually the service is so bad at Cafe Minnie's that you probably could get away with that. But the only place I ever wanted to do that was at Harvest Table.

And here's another--this one, amazingly, isn't set in a restaurant.

Thanks to Slog tipper Gitai.


Saturday, December 1, 2007

A Friendly Message from Your Concerned Friend, Canada

posted by on December 1 at 6:59 PM

Those wintery folk up north who invented universal healthcare, gay weddings, and "Eh", are concerned about you---very, very concerned about you. They want you to be safe. Really, really safe.

And they are NOT. Fucking. AROUND.

A thoughtful PSA, brought to you by everyone's guardian angel, Canada:

Um. I bet she wishes she'd done meth for the first time instead of that.

Don't have accidents then, alrighty?


Friday, November 30, 2007

Today In Creepy

posted by on November 30 at 1:34 PM

Meet the dental school robot.

Kink Slave in Pink Speedo Tied Up on Broadway

posted by on November 30 at 10:41 AM

From Slog tipper Matt Dawsey:

So.

This morning was so weird and wonderful it is what my friend Spencer would call a "Magickal occurrence." Chris and I were walking down to the gym around 7 am and we passed by the Tullys on Pike and Broadway, making our way by the gallery that’s right behind the coffee shop. I saw a figure that was standing next to the gated entrance and I thought it was the woman who is usually out there sweeping the sidewalk. As I passed by I looked to the right and saw that it wasn’t the woman, it was a 50ish looking man with a cap on his head who had this startled look in his eyes. I jumped a little since I wasn’t expecting him and then kept walking. I mentioned it to Chris and he said "um, you didn’t notice the pink Speedo with the hard on he was sporting? Or the fact that he was chained to that gate?" I looked back and yes he was wearing a pink Speedo over some black bike pants and it did look like he had a little something bulging down there. I couldn’t make out the chains but I’ll take Chris’ word on that. So of course we keep walking, what else were we going to do? I thought we should have taken a picture but by that point we had walked too far down the street. I figured it was a little early in the morning for public chaining fetishists, but what do I know? We called the Tullys since we know the people that work there and asked if they had seen the pink Speedo guy. The manager burst out laughing and said he had already talked to the man. Apparently he was just waiting for his friends to come and get him.

I’m still trying to process what I saw. I’m hoping it’s a sign that the holidays are going to be extra special this year.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

McIncest

posted by on November 27 at 3:55 PM

I hereby present to you my favorite piece of celebrity gossip ever. (That is to say, my favorite piece of celebrity gossip ever concerning a celebrity I have never heard of before in my celebrity-obsessed life.) Please enjoy!

Also, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK.

Sieg Heigl, Atrox!


Friday, November 23, 2007

Another Elected Official's Double Life

posted by on November 23 at 2:52 PM

CENTERTON, Ark. -- The mayor of an Arkansas town resigned on Wednesday, claiming he was abducted and brainwashed by Satan worshippers nearly three decades ago...

Centerton Mayor Ken Williams said he has been living under an assumed name for nearly 30 years. He had been mayor since 2001.

It was a double-life he had never acknowledged, Williams said, because he didn't even realize it existed until he had recently taken a truth-serum injection...

Wow.

(Thanks, Sarah.)


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Hot New Video Game

posted by on November 21 at 12:00 PM

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It's called Duel Love--and, uh, there's not much to it. Basically you get to wipe beads of sweat off of hot Anime girly-boys lounging in a hot Anime sauna. With your finger. BlogBlog has the pedo details. YouTube has the demo video...


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Dickipedia

posted by on November 20 at 5:50 PM

Small, but getting bigger.


Monday, November 19, 2007

Hey Lindy,

posted by on November 19 at 5:27 PM

A friend recently forwarded me the BEST SPAM EVER. Ready?

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Dear Ladies or Gentlemen,

We learned from the internet that you are in the market for mold, this happens to coincide with our business activities.

I literally have no idea how I'm supposed to respond to this information.


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Taking Recycling Too Far...

posted by on November 14 at 11:17 AM

...in China:

Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday.

In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, China Daily newspaper said.

"These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," it said.

Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said.

"People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns," the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.

Update: A number of Slog commenters think the story is a fraud, much like July's Chinese Cardboard Bun Hoax. Which certainly seems possible.


Friday, November 9, 2007

AUGUGUGGHGHGHGHHHHH!

posted by on November 9 at 4:46 PM

I ... can't ... take it any longer!!!!!!!! Those of you in the sloggysphere have no idea this has been going on, of course, so, here's the story:

Jonah likes this term "townhomes." I notice some of you in the comments naturally revert to "townhouses" when responding to him. This is perfectly understandable.

After all, the use of "home" is any real estate context is pure jargon meant to seduce you into thinking the given piece of property is warm, comfy, inviting—that no matter its price or hideousness you yourself may find yourself calling it "home" someday. This is brainwashing. "Home" should be strictly reserved for that place and only that place where you and your family or roommates place their sleepy heads at night. The correct term for a piece of property, especially one being bought or sold, is HOUSE. Not home. House.

Repeat after me, Dominic and Jonah: Townhouse, townhouse, townhouse!

And NEVER let me see the nasty, insinuating, fake, obnoxious word "townhome" on this blog again.

For the love of god.


Thursday, November 8, 2007

You're Welcome

posted by on November 8 at 6:05 PM

Thanks to Irena in the comments, I've already found Dan's costume for next Halloween--a Catholic priest!

Costume (possibly NSFW) below the jump.

Continue reading "You're Welcome" »

"Did you know you could make art out of dead animals? YES!"

posted by on November 8 at 3:59 PM

Via Unfogged, which calls it "the most awesome thing you will read today."


You're invited on a FREE tour of the New York City Chinatown Garbage. Did you know you could make art out of dead animals? YES! I am going to show you how to collect dead animals from the garbage in Chinatown to make your own personal taxidermy! This is the first NYC CHINATOWN GARBAGE TAXIDERMY TOUR! You will learn how to dig in the garbage for dead animals. You can make art out of these animals. It's really cool!. I've found everything from sharks to frogs to plain old unidentifiable crap. Sometimes I find nothing interesting, but that is what makes it fun. You never know! RSVP is appreciated but not required. RAIN OR SHINE.

Note: Flashlights not required, because he "searches by feel."

Fascinating Reading from Outer Space

posted by on November 8 at 11:31 AM

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Hello citizens of the Slogosphere: I'm out sick today (cough cough, hack hack, whine whine) and won't be doing much slogging. But I had to share this link sent to me by one Robert Urbanek, a California-based writer and "spiritual detective" who uses "dreams, symbols and synchronicity [to] reveal the secrets of the cosmos and the destiny of myself and humanity."

I was drawn into Urbanek's website by its title—TonyaHardingShotJFK.com—and Ms. Harding's previous life as a presidential assassin indeed gets expansive coverage:

Tonya Harding assassinated John F. Kennedy in her previous life as Lee Harvey Oswald. Both Oswald and his victim, President Kennedy, have returned in this life as figure skaters Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. Consider the evidence of reincarnation. Both Tonya Harding and Lee Harvey Oswald have the letters "Har" in their names. Both of their victims were Irish Catholics from Massachusetts whose last names began with the letters "Ke": John F. Kennedy and Nancy Kerrigan, and both were attacked in cities beginning with the letter "D": Dallas and Detroit.

Tonya Harding is just the tip of the iceberg. The intersection of politics, dreams, and Hollywood is another major motif. Here's Urbanek on 9/11:

To understand why al-Qaeda appeared, at least subconsciously, to follow the script of the movie Independence Day, we need to understand the symbolism of both the movie and the phenomenon of alien abductions....[E]vidence points to one conclusion. The "aliens" are the spirits of aborted fetuses who have come back to "haunt" us. They are forcing people to share the humiliating and painful experience of being aborted.

Urbanek also often dreams about TV characters, and seems to have an unfortunate crush on Hitler. Sometimes these themes intermingle:

In Episode 73 of Seinfeld, aired November 18, 1993, Jerry recalls a sickening synchronicity.

Jerry: I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
Elaine: Get out!
Jerry: Not since June 29, 1980.
Elaine: You remember the date?
Jerry: Yes, because my previous vomit was also on June 29 . . . 1972.

My birthday falls on June 29. Perhaps this episode was an omen that I would write material, like my Hitler article, that would make Jews want to throw up.

Enjoy!


Thursday, November 1, 2007

This is Getting Ridiculous

posted by on November 1 at 11:39 AM

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From The Smoking Gun:

Meet Paul Schum. The Kentucky man, a Catholic school principal, is facing a prostitution charge after Louisville police found him dressed like a woman and loitering in an alley Tuesday night. According to a criminal citation, a copy of which you'll find here, Schum, 50, was wearing fishnet stockings, fake breasts, and "all black leather" when officers discovered him "loitering in high drug trafficking and prostitution area." The citation notes that Schum, who heads Bethlehem High School, had "no reason for why he was in alley...dressed up in women's leather other than for prostitution." Schum, now on paid leave from his school post, is due in court on November 27 to answer a misdemeanor charge of loitering for the intent of prostitution.

Full police report here. (Thanks for the link, Towleroad.)


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

And Now For Something Really Scary

posted by on October 31 at 4:12 PM

Wow. (NSFW, but not too explicit, either.)

Thanks to Hot Tipper Nick.

Carved Bumpkin

posted by on October 31 at 3:40 PM

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

posted by on October 29 at 2:29 PM

Somewhere, Bob Dylan is twitching and mumbling angrily to himself*.

*Ok, even more than usual.


Friday, October 26, 2007

Chris Crocker: Hope & Horror

posted by on October 26 at 12:07 PM

I just received an email from my coworker Nick, the subject line of which was abbreviated in my inbox display to:

CHRIS CROCKER CO....

God forgive me, but while clicking open the email, my mind automatically filled in the space after the ellipses with ...MMITS SUICIDE!

The truth is much worse. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Now I have to go commit suicide.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Meanwhile in Australia

posted by on October 25 at 2:14 PM

An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said Wednesday.... The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said.

"It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises," local police superintendent David Parkinson said.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

But I Don't See What You're Trying to Say at All...

posted by on October 24 at 2:37 PM

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Hey, anonymous postcard writer, what the hell are you talking about?


Friday, October 19, 2007

Crocodile Drunkee

posted by on October 19 at 10:47 AM

This man is tough as nails. He's also very, very stupid.

Matt Martin was camping in an area of the northeastern state of Queensland known to be inhabited by crocodiles when he drank what he later described as "half a slab" -- or 12 cans of beer.

When he dived into the river at Cow Bay in the topical far north of the state, he landed on a crocodile.

After a brief wrestling match with the reptile, Martin emerged with gashes on his face requiring 40 stitches, The Australian newspaper reported.

Admitting his face was "pretty messed up" when he went back to his campsite, Martin, 35, from Newcastle city north of Sydney, then slept for seven hours before seeking medical help.

His injuries were so bad that when he finally did make it to hospital, he was holding a blanket to his face to stop the bleeding, the newspaper said.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Zombies FTW

posted by on October 12 at 10:58 AM

For all you FPS and zombie obsessed freaks (I know you are out there. Game Fuel in one hand, House of the Dead in your Xbox)... I offer this comedy routine for your enjoyment:


Saturday, October 6, 2007

First Against the Wall

posted by on October 6 at 12:20 PM

From the front page of today's NYT:

Julia Kim rapped her spiked Gucci heels along the floor of a Midtown furniture showroom earlier this year as she approached a $30,000 custom wraparound couch that will be the centerpiece of the Manhattan co-op apartment she plans to share with her fiancé, Stephen Rushmore.

With advice from Mr. Rushmore and their decorator, John Barman, Ms. Kim deliberated for more than half an hour over details like the density of the cushions, the number of pillows and the height of the seating.

This purchase was just one of many steps in the journey that began more than a year ago when Mr. Rushmore, a consultant, and Ms. Kim, a former banker who left her job to concentrate full time on renovating the new apartment, decided to buy a duplex just off Park Avenue for $6 million.

Sort of makes all those folks buying up $500,000 condos on Capitol Hill seem kinda benign, huh?


Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The Story of the Year

posted by on October 3 at 9:35 AM

Some stories defy belief. This is one of those stories:

Two US men are locked in a war of words over custody of an amputated leg, which one of them says he lost in a plane crash and another insists he owns since it was inside a barbecue he bought at an auction.

Okay, first of all...what?

John Wood of South Carolina says he had left the limb inside the barbecue smoker at a storage facility, because he wanted to be buried with it. But the storage business auctioned off the barbecue and other items after Wood fell behind with payments.

You wanted to be buried with your leg so you...stored it in a barbecue inside a storage facility? Huh?

Shannon Whisnant, who was at first shocked by what he found inside the smoker, now believes it could bring him fame and fortune.

For now, he has put up a sign on the smoker charging adults three dollars and children one dollar for a peek inside, even though the leg is no longer inside but at a funeral home.

Wait: You mean people are actually paying to look inside a barbecue that once held an amputated leg?

He believes a lot more money could be made by going on television shows.

I smell a Today Show exclusive.

Whisnant even suggested joint custody of the leg, much to Wood's outrage.

Well of course he's outraged. Can't a man store his amputated leg in a barbecue without some greedy asshole trying to turn a profit on it?

And by the way: How did Wood's leg end up in the barbecue, anyway?

He kept the limb in a freezer, then dried it out in his front yard, and eventually stored it away.

Thank you and goodnight!


Monday, October 1, 2007

Today in Dubious Achievements

posted by on October 1 at 2:26 PM

Breaking news from Vienna:

A Pakistani man broke the world-record for "ear-lifting" in Vienna Sunday, carrying almost 62 kilograms (137 pounds) from a cord attached to his right ear.

Zafar Gill's feat earned him a place in the Guinness Book of World Records, as part of a day of record-breaking attempts in the Austrian capital, organised under the slogan "Vienna - Recordbreaker."

Okay, I guess lifting 137lbs. with your ear is kinda impressive—wait, what's this?

Gill had to use a special headgrip to protect both his ear and temple, as he lifted the weight for seven seconds about 10 centimetres (four inches) off the ground.

Pussy.

Apropos-of-Nothing-Lad Strikes Again

posted by on October 1 at 1:21 PM

This blog spotlights a superhero known as the Vagabond. The Vagabond is a millionare socialite who dresses up as a hobo, named Chauncey Throttlebottom III, to fight crime. He's only had three adventures, and I'm pretty sure he's in the public domain, so all you cartoonists really ought to get to work reviving this gold mine.
There's a factual error in the blog, though: The author refers to The Red Bee as the worst, or second-worst, superhero of all time. This is patently false: The Red Bee, who wore a pink, red, and yellow costume, fought crime using trained bees that he kept in his belt. He is actually the second-best superhero of all time.
The first-best superhero of all time is Matter-Eater Lad, who can eat anything. This is an indisputable fact.


Friday, September 28, 2007

Drinking Rots Your Brain: The Evidence

posted by on September 28 at 4:12 PM

Exhibit A: Kiefer Sutherland, just charged with drunk driving (and violating his probation from another DUI in 2004).

[That photo of a heart-shaped diamond ring I posted earlier? That wasn't Kiefer Sutherland. This is Kiefer Sutherland. If you miss the diamond ring, it's right over here.]

pantsdownks.jpg

Exhibit B: Sutherland again, this time at a Christmas party (video and photo from Shakespeare's Sister):

Transcript:

Voice Off-Camera: Hey, Kiefer. You're a pirate, man.

Kiefer: That would explain everything. [jumps into tree]

Exhibit C: A friend who was just on a flight from Amsterdam witnessed a "super-drunk Marine" start yelling at a nice Eastern European couple because they weren't speaking English. Or, as the Marine put it, "Stop speaking Russian and talk goddamn American!"

Not About That Roads and Transit Proposal

posted by on September 28 at 3:08 PM

In other news, the Germans have invented a dildo ... made of candy! According to the web site, it's "18 cm/285 grams of pure enjoyment." Full ingredient list: "Fruchtgummi in Penisform." As we learn from this blog post, Fruchtgummi ist fur ein blowjob. Better than a real dick, because when you're done, it's still made of delicious candy!


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Pushing Out Daisies

posted by on September 25 at 12:35 PM

I'm pushing Ari's kitten down with this picture of a porn star with a bouquet of flowers stuffed up his butt. You can't really see anything so I'm thinking it's very nearly safe enough for work:

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Which brings this whoary old joke to mind...

Two women are in the kitchen preparing dinner on a Friday night when one of them looks out the window. She sees her husband coming up the walkway with a bouquet of flowers. The woman turns to her friend and says, "Oh, darn! He's bringing flowers. That means another weekend on my back with my legs up in the air."

Her friend says, "What's the matter? Don't you have a vase?"

Hee haw.