With all this talk about IndyMac and FreddieMac and, hell, even Bernie Mac, I suddenly have a craving for cheesy mac. I'm always looking for new macaroni and cheese recipes, because I've never found a great one. This recipe looks good, because it's simple:

4 cups cooked elbow macaroni, drained 2 cups grated Cheddar 3 eggs, beaten 1/2 cup sour cream 4 tablespoons butter, cut into pieces 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 cup milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Once you have the macaroni cooked and drained, place in a large bowl and while still hot and add the cheddar. In a separate bowl, combine the remaining ingredients and add to the macaroni mixture. Pour macaroni mixture into a casserole dish and bake for 30 to 45 minutes. Top with additional cheese if desired.

But I would kill—not literally, maybe, but I would certainly spiritually kill someone—for a knockout mac and cheese recipe. Yet it looks like the intranet is failing me yet again.

(Also, semi-related: Why do all these housing lenders have such dumb names? Freddie Mac sounds like a suicidal used car salesman from Tulsa, and Frannie Fannie Mae sounds like it should be a line of pastel cosmetics.)

Precisely one year ago today I warned you that your printer was spying on you. I warned you! (Dammit! Why wouldn’t you listen? WHY?) I wrote a great big Slog about it.

See?

But you didn’t really pay attention, did you? You didn’t feel so inclined to believe me. There was scoffing. And eye-rolling. And a copious amount of “Oh, that crazazy Adrian!”-ing, I’ll just bet. (Admit it!) But if you haven’t learned it yet, get on the ball bitches: Adrian is always right about EVERYTHING. Everything! Every little thing ever. Always. Period. Thank you and good night.

I know. It’s my curse.

Look (from yesterday’s so-called “headlines”):

More manufacturers are outfitting greater numbers of laser printers with technology that leaves microscopic yellow dots on each printed page to identify the printer's serial number - and ultimately, you, says the San Francisco-based Electronic Frontier Foundation, one of the leading watchdogs of electronic privacy.

The technology has been around for years, but the declining price of laser printers and the increasing number of models with this feature is causing renewed concerns.

Yes, that was from yesterday: as in 364 days after I initially reported it. And you know what that means? Right. The world is moving a little faster than usual. I’m usually at least two years ahead.

And next time you’ll listen. WON’T YOU?

Really, sir?

Update, thanks to reverend dr dj riz, an infinitely more considerate and less passive-aggressive person than I:

i met this guy at cal anderson park a few weeks ago while i was with a quadraplegic friend who uses a wheelchair that untilizes the same technology as this man's segway. i also thought this man a lazy fool until he explained that he has a condition that makes it difficult and painful for him to walk. he also has very brittle bones that break easily ( remember that otherwise stupid m. nught shaymalan movie unbreakable ?)which is why he wears a helmet and kneepads. he engages in conversation fairly easily and if you had asked he might have explained his condition to you. the man doesn't reserve your judgement or ridicule. so cut this shit out

My sincere apologies to the brittle-boned everywhere. Segways for the regular-boned remain undeniably silly.

As Mayor Nickels speechified about ugly townhomes, Seattle hiphop's #1 hitmaker Jake One was in one of them- center top window to be exact. Can't see what he's holding up? It's one of these:

(photo ganked from the P-I, duh)
(h/t to DJ Nphared for the tip)

It's all here (and then here).

Is Ivar's on Lake Union actually serving a cocktail that contains Lake Union water, as stated in a recent press release? The answer is no, the drink is dreadful anyway, and the happy-hour food, which all used to be $2.50 and worth it, has gone up in price and is not (see debate here).

However, the bar at Ivar's on Lake Union has a sparkly water view and a big lakeside deck, and it is called the Whalemaker Lounge. The Whalemaker Lounge does contain whalemakers: two preserved Orca phalli, which Ivar is said to have acquired from the Hells Angels of Alaska. Here is one (man shown for scale):

You can boat right up to the deck (some guy standing beneath a whalemaker: "I kayaked here! It's really scary and I suck at it").

The people at Ivar's also emailed about new daily $4 drink specials. Today: the mysterious Captain's Choice (straight rum, gulped between verses of a sea chantey?). Tomorrow: "The 'Tidy Bowl'...with its murky-yet-tasty mix of Absolut Citron, Absolut Raspberry, Lemonade and Blue Curacao and the piece de resistance: a floating Tootsie Roll garnish!" Like the Lake Union Water cocktail, this is best left in the realm of the imagination (and jettisoned quickly from there). However, beer and wine are $3.25 at happy hour, which includes the deck and begins in a half-hour.

Octopuses given Rubik's Cubes for some reason or another.

Shouldn't it be "octopi", though? And are they going to give them eight waterproof typewriters next? Frankly, I'd trust an octopus to write Hamlet before a monkey. A monkey might be able to pull off Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, but I think that octopi really understand tragedy in a way that monkeys don't.

Yuri and Dmitri Kuklachev are a father-son team of Russian clowns and proprietors of a cat circus called Moscow Cats Theater. They began training cats in 1977, were one of the first Soviet-era performers to tour the United States, and are famous in 80 countries. They've won awards, been commemorated on stamps, and are beloved by children, grandmas, and cat fanciers everywhere.

Last year, Yuri and Dmitri toured the United States and performed at the Seattle Rep.

Except they didn't.

The Russian clowns who performed at the Rep last April were, apparently, impostors. (Copycats, if you will. And you will.) According to a lawsuit filed by the real Yuri and Dmitri Kuklachev, the impostors stole the real Russian clowns' names, clothes, and hairstyles and toured the country as the Moscow Cats Theater.

The Russian clowns are pissed. They've filed a suit in New York against the impostors, the impostors' U.S. promoter (Mark Gelfman), and every theater where the impostors performed, including the Seattle Rep.

"We don't know anything about this," the Rep's communications director, Ilana Balint, said this afternoon. "We haven't been served any papers."

"Well, they're gonna get served papers today or Monday," said the Russian clowns' lawyer, Gary Tsirelman. "We're just beginning a lengthy process."

The Russian clowns have filed the suit in Brooklyn and are suing for: "federal and common-law trademark infringement, false endorsement, unfair competition, false designation of origin, dilution of a famous trademark, and violations of anti-cybersquatting law, rights of publicity and privacy, fraud, conversion, prima facie tort and unjust enrichment."

(Tsirelman was referred to the Russian clowns by a colleague. "They needed a vulture in court," Tsirelman said, "someone very vicious who does not take no for an answer. They said, 'find us the biggest a-hole out there.' And that was me.")

Some history: The Russian clowns have been doing their cat-circus act since 1977. Sometime in the 80s, an assistant stole the Russian clowns' act, names, costumes, and hairstyle, and tried to tour the USSR. Soviet police eventually shut them down.

Fast forward to December 2006: The real Russian clowns finished a real tour of the U.S. and returned to Russia, expecting to come back for another U.S. tour in 2007.

From the complaint: "Within days of Yuri Kuklachev's departure, his [U.S.] promoter, M. Gelfman... secretly filed a registration with the United States Patent and Trademark Office to register the famous Kuklachev's 'Moscow Cats Theater' mark in his own name." He also bought www.moscowcatstheatre.com

Then Gelfman (allegedly) trotted out the impostors, changed their names and dyed their hair, and sent them on the road.

The Russian clowns are currently seeking $10 million in damages, but that might grow—Tsirelman says he's still getting calls from across the country (and the world) from people who saw the ersatz Kuklachevs. "I hear their show was pretty bad," Tsirelman. "A lot of disappointed grandkids."

So why are the Russian clowns suing individual theaters, like the Rep, when the theaters were duped like everybody else?

"Trademark law does not require defendants to have knowledge or intent to deceive," Tsirelman said.

In short: Ignorance is no excuse.

Gelfman and his defense lawyers have not returned requests for comment.

Stay tuned.

I just received the most awesomest press release ever:

(Branford, CT) The Woodland Park Zoological Gardens in Seattle is one of sixty to be honored as one of "America's Best Zoos 2008" by The Intrepid Traveler, a travel publisher located in Branford, CT.

Of course, the press release doesn't say what number the Woodland Park Zoo made on the list—maybe it's un-numbered? As someone in the office helpfully pointed out: "That's more than one zoo per state!" Some quick math confirms this observation, which means that we are not one of the ten states to experience the sheer giddiness of having two zoos worth mentioning on the 60-zoo-strong "America's Best Zoos 2008" list.

But the press release worked, since I went to the Intrepid Traveler website and found a book that will definitely go on my 60-book-strong "America's Best Book Titles 2008" list: Here Be Yaks.

They'll be receiving a press release announcing their achievement in the next few days.

Fun Fact: Did you know that those wacky Canadians celebrate the 4th of July...on the 1st of July? It's true!

Enjoy your barbecue, you crazy socialists to the north.

Here's the apology:

You'll have to go to The Presurfer for the hilarious and terrible mistake that forced these ladies to apologize.

Hey there!

Do you like Barbie? Do you like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds? Have I got the doll for you:

Available in October. Pre-order now.

Remember that sixth human foot that washed ashore in Canada last week?

It wasn't human.

From the Independent:

"Human" remains found at the mouth of the Campbell River on Vancouver Island actually consisted of an animal paw mixed with seaweed, stuffed into a sock and inserted into an old adidas trainer.

The only thing more fucked up than people finding human feet on the beach? Other people planting fake human feet on the beach.

To recapitulate: The other five feet are real. Four are from men, four are from right feet. Nobody knows where they're coming from. A serial killer? A people-smuggling attempt gone wrong? A box full of feet that's only now rusted through and opened?

Canadian officials, who are treating the investigation as a criminal inquiry, have so far discounted just one potential explanation: a 2005 plane crash in the Georgia Strait, from which four men are still missing. The families of the victims were told yesterday that DNA samples from their loved ones did not match any of the genuine human remains.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Dead at age 71 of heart failure.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.

In a post titled "Preparations For the DNC ? Military Excersie (sic) Drills in Denver," We Are Change Colorado, the Denver chapter of a nationwide 9/11 Truth group, has a video reporting on black helicopters that are flying over Denver.

It begins with an in-depth study of a 5-year-old child's drawings of helicopters ("Wow, that's frightening," one of the Truthers says), continues with some Truth guys acting like they're in the first half of some sort of paramilitary Blair Witch Project, uncovering the secrets of these helicopters, and goes on from there. Confusingly, a soldier throws a glow-stick wrapped in an American flag at the Truthers. They theorize about this glow-stick in their blog:

Now whether or not this glow stick meant we just got ‘fragged’ by a drill grenade, or if it was just a friendly gesture by our boys in the military is unknown, but coming with in feet of our position you can rest assured they are deadly accurate from that height.

The local news sources say that the black helicopters are part of an anti-terrorism test. Truthers theorize that...well...that they're going to do something nasty at the Democratic National Convention. Of course, when the black helicopters don't sweep in and abduct Barack Obama, the Truthers will find another reason for the helicopters. No doubt it's all tied in to...9/11 (cue melodramatic music now)!

Way to be credible, guys.

At my barbecue last weekend we had some local Mongoose IPA to drink. But when I looked at the label, I was baffled:

This is obviously a picture of a meerkat--I know all about it from watching Meerkat Manor. Copy editors are picky about these types of things. Granted, meerkats are adorable--but what the hey? THEN I found out that a meerkat is a type of mongoose. A learning moment, thanks to beer.

Now please enjoy this photo of meerkat babies:

Sixth severed foot surfaces off Canadian coast

CNN has the best headline, but the Independent has the story:

In the latest grisly twist to a saga that has spawned dozens of conspiracy theories, two dog-walkers spotted the left foot, inside a shoe, floating in water off Westham island, near the mouth of the Fraser river, on Monday morning.

It was detached near the ankle, and had apparently been in the water for some time. Police are trying to determine whether it is linked to some near-identical discoveries which began when a size 12 right foot came ashore last August.

And my favorite detail:

The five feet are at the Centre for Forensic Research at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver. Local reports say that a forensic anthropologist at SFU, Mark Skinner, is boiling the flesh off them in an effort to extract DNA samples and study the bones to identify characteristics that could suggest the cause of death.

Boiling the flesh off of the feet (destroying the evidence?) to extract DNA samples from feet that've washed up on a rocky Canadian shore, found by two dog-walkers—are we suddenly in an Annie Proulx novel?

“I’m beginning to think it might be a boat or plane that went down, and then something shifted, through seismic activity or a boat, that is making it release all these body parts now,” Ms Anderson said. “The reason only feet have been found is because they are in running shoes and protected.”

Yes. Yes, we are.

The 28-year-old SeaTac man and father of two who disappeared without a trace on Feb. 13?

In the wake of his disappearance, Nicholas Francisco's (pregnant) wife Christine led an increasingly desperate search. Here's video of Christine on Nancy Grace, in which she weeps for her missing man, whom she describes as "so sweet."

This past Monday, Christine Francisco filed for divorce from her vanished husband. What's more, as the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports:

In requesting custody of her children, Christine Francisco's petition alleges "willful abandonment that continues for a period of time" and a "history of acts of domestic violence ... or an assault or sexual assault which causes grievous bodily harm or the fear of such harm."

Alrighty then.

Enjoy.

And I happened across this video of a couple who, instead of a first dance, had a first light saber duel. I always hate it when married couples shove cake in each others' faces--the cake-eating is supposed to suggest that you'll feed each other for as long as you'll live--so the idea of having a space-sword battle be one of your first acts as a married couple just reeks, to me, of bad idea.

Hulk Fact!

The Ang Lee Hulk movie from five years back totally blew chunks. If you need a reminder, here you go:

Hulk Fact!

The Hulk has come in a variety of different colors and flavors over the years:

Classic green:

Captain Universe blue:

Spalding Gray:

"Does this look Infected?" red:

and girl:

Hulk Fact!

Did you know that the Incredible Hulk has his own hilarious blog? True story.

From Hulk's Diary That Is On the Internet:

OH MAN HULK'S ATM CARD WAS STUCK IN THE ATM.

Hulk kept hitting the buttons and saying "Please let Hulk have his ATM card back because Hulk wants to go buy a Playstation 3 and play that Ultimate Alliance game Hulk is in with everyone, even the Punisher" but the machine was all like BEEP BOOP NO NO NO.

And Hulk tried to be nice and called the people at his bank and Hulk said "Hulk has money because Hulk just got a deposit and Hulk would like to get it!" and the bank's answering machine said "Leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible" and Hulk was like "HULK JUST LEFT A MESSAGE WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR THAT?"

And that's why Hulk now owes Bank of America $43,000 for two ATMs in the Union Square area.

The end.

And:

Hello Hulk got this email and Hulk is wondering if he should help because Hulk needs some money and if Hulk had some money maybe Hulk wouldn't have to go look at the stupid jobs section of the New York Post and Daily Bugle. No, Hulk does not want to work construction, thank you for asking. Hulk does not like to say things to girls that walk by and Hulk can't whistle very well.

WITH DUE RESPACT DEAR FRIEND,MY TEL NUMBER 00226 78 02 43 42

IT IS MY WISH TO SOLICITE YOUR ASSISTANCE IN A BUSSINESSS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE OF BENEFIT TO YOU AND I.

I CAME ACROSS SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED CUSTOMER OF THE BANK, BANK OF AFRICA, ALHAJI DAHIRU J MUSA, A CITIZEN OFABIDJAN COTE'D'IVOIRE WHO DIED ON THE RECENT CRISES IN THAT COUNTRY. THE REBELS IN THE CITY OF BOAKERY BOMBED ALHAJI MUSA'RECIDENCE DURING ONE OF THEIR RAIDS.HE AND ALL THE MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY WERE KILLED IN THAT BOMB INCIDENT.ALHAJI MUSA IS AN INTERNATIONAL BUSSINESS MAN AND A MAJOR SUPPLIER OF YAMAHA MACHINE PARTS IN THIS COUNTRY.

THE MONEY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IS IN THE BANK TREASURY BOX WAITING FOR THE NEXT OF KIN BECAUSE THE DECEASED DIED SINCE TWO YEARS AGO AND LIVING NO OTHER CONTACT AS IN NEXT OF KIN IN HIS BANK FILE AND THE BANK LAW STIPULATES THAT ANY MONEY THAT STAYS IN THE BANK CUSTODY FOR OVER TWO YEARS WITHOUT WITHDRAWAL OR PAYMENT WILL BE CONFICICATED INTO THE BANK PRIVATE USE.

HE HAS AN ACCOUNT WITH THIS BANK WHICH HE USES TO FINANCE HIS BUSSINESS IN THIS CONTRY.This is my bank website in burkina faso. www.bkofafrica.net)The said amount was USD$1m.(one million united states dollars).

SO RIGHT NOW THAT IS THE AREA I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE TO ACT AS NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED MAN SO AS TO INHERITE THIS FUND FOR OUR OWN BENEFIT AND I AM HERE TO GUIDE U AND TO FUNISH YOU WITH ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION CONCERNING THE DECEASED MAN BANK ACCOUNT.

THANKS AND REMAIN BLESSEDI SUGGEST YOU GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE STATING YOUR WISH IN THIS DEAL.

FROM MR MUSA SOBIBRA. MY ALTERNATIVE (musa_sobibra@myway.com)

Do you think Hulk should take advantage of this offer? Hulk thinks Hulk could make money and not have to live off the "stipend" that The Avengers still pay Hulk because they are afraid Hulk will come over and raid the refrigerator and make Jarvis cook a turkey for Hulk again.

Hulk has never told you people how nice Jarvis is. Jarvis is very nice. He is the Avengers' butler but he is not like "Jeeves" because he does not have a website called AskJarvis or anything like that but Hulk thinks he is better because Hulk doesn't have to type on the computer to ask Jarvis things like "Why do rainbows make Hulk happy?" or "Can you please make some more Yorkshire pudding?"

Unfortunately, the man behind the Hulk's blog, Kevin Church, has stopped writing about ol' jade jaw's life, but there are still plenty of entries on the site worth reading. Go there now. Or Hulk will smash puny humans.

Hulk Fact!

There was a Hulk doll released in the U.K. that was anatomically correct.

ENGLAND-- Shocked six-year-old Leah Lowland checked out a mystery bulge on her Incredible Hulk doll — and uncovered a giant green WILLY.

Curious Leah noticed a lump after winning the monster, catchphrase “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” at a seaside fair.

And when she peeled off the green comic-book character’s ripped purple shorts, she found the two-inch manhood beneath them.

Horrified Leah immediately ran to mum Kim and reported the find. And last night Kim called for a ban on the saucy toy. She said: “A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed.

“Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is.

“And it’s definitely not an extra piece of material left on by mistake.”

The full report is here.

Via I-mockery, which has a lovely gallery of hideous Hulk stuffed animals that must be seen to be believed.

Hulk Fact!

One of the best Hulk comics ever is by James Kochalka, and it's only four pages long!

Here's the first page:

You can find the rest of the story here.

Bonus Hulk Fact!

Kochalka once pitched an idea of a super-hero group called The Hulk Squad. The Hulk Squad was a bunch of multi-colored clones of the Hulk. They would fight crime together. Or they'd fight each other. Or something. But, who cares! Multi-colored clones of the Hulk! My favorite, after the original green flavor, is the blue one.

Hulk Fact!

Did you know that one of the Hulk's deadliest foes is named The Bi-Beast? It's true!

According to The Immortal Thor fansite, the Bi-Beast is a citizen of the "City of the Bird-People," and that the very sad Bi-Beast doesn't have any relatives, but

the Bi-Beasts two heads, each possessing a separate intellect, address each other as "skull brother"

It's unknown if the Bi-Beast will still have two heads when he gets out of college.

Hulk Fact!

Did you know that the Hulk's alter ego, Bruce Banner, was nearly raped in a YMCA shower in a 1980s comic book? It's true:

For more information, see Cracked.

Author Sheila Heti has been compiling people's dreams of Hillary Clinton, people's dreams of Barack Obama, and people's dreams of John McCain. And also dreams that feature two or more of them at the same time.

Now, she's had a dream analyst write a 52-page paper analyzing the 333 dreams, and it's available here.

Via The Elegant Variation.

Strange Maps has a map of heaven up. It's too big to post here, but can be found here.

Apparently, Michael Jordan is already in heaven somehow. And there's America Land, where "every day is Memorial or Veteran's Day." Be sure to check out the Marital-Coitus Castle, which is over by the Catholic Section.

I would be so pissed if I died and woke up here.

...feel free to investigate whether or not this Craigslist posting is legit: FREE EWOK HOUSE.

Assuming this isn't bullshit, 800 sq. feet of nerdy tree-house heaven could be yours for the price of a U-Haul truck rental. 800 sq. feet in that little thing? Really? Either way, George Lucas' cold heart, sadly, is not included.

The ??!! category, defined.

First Brad's post about Clinton staying in the race just in case Obama gets gunned down, and now this:

A US car dealer has seen his sales soar after he launched a promotion offering customers a free handgun with every car.

Max Motors, a small car dealer in Butler, Missouri in the US Midwest, has seen sales quadruple since the introduction this week of a scheme offering customers either a $250 voucher for a gun or the alternative of a gas card.

Mark Muller, the owner of the dealership, said that he had sold more than 30 cars and trucks in the past three days but only two customers had opted for the gas card.

“We did it because of Barack Obama," Mr Muller said, referring to the Democratic presidential hopeful. "He said all those people in the Midwest, you’ve got to have compassion for them because they’re clinging to their guns and their Bibles. I found that quite offensive.”

Good thing he's got "the best protection in the world."

Thanks to tipper NaFun.

The Icelandic Phallological Museum, which "contains a collection of over one hundred penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland. "

Via Bookshelves of Doom.

L.A. Magazine has a feature by a former Jack Sparrow impersonator who worked at Disneyland. There's not a lot here that's surprising, but it's entertaining enough. Women hit on Jack Sparrow and Tarzan--a buff guy wearing nothing but a loincloth--pretty continuously.

When I worked as a mall Easter Bunny many, many years ago, mothers would always be rubbing my crotch. I'm not sure why that is, but it was, for the most part, an acceptable extra bit of discomfort in a horrible, horrible job. But somebody who resembles Johnny Depp, rather unsurprisingly, gets a lot more than a little bunny rub:

Here’s a napkin someone wrote on for me: “I will give you a blow job on your break, so sexy! Kim—714-XXX-XXXX.”

Eventually, Jack gets fired for having a relationship with a mermaid. It's all very risque.

This was in my back yard when I got home last night.

It can only mean one thing. The gremlins are coming.

This is what passes for wall art just down my street:

("I just wanted the rush of putting something on this wall ... Coincidentally, I didn't get a rush - - - ain't that a bitch")

And this stop-motion video shows the wall art they get in Buenos Aires:

(Hat tip to Penny Arcade for the video link.)

This just in from Slog tipper Doug:

I'm cleaning out my closet this morning and came across this painting I made five years ago. It used to hang on a wall in my house until a friend of mine (a white male like myself) said, "Wow, that's really racist." Embarrassed, I took it down and stuck it in the back of a closet. But coming across it now, I'm still not sure: Is it really racist? I'm hoping the open-minded Slog community could help me out on this. Thanks.

Here are American Heritage Dictionary's definitions of racism:

1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others. 2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

And here is the painting. (Safe for work.)

(My two cents: No, the painting isn't racist, though the exaggerated cartoon features give off a vaguely racist stink.)

So, the annual Pierogi Festival was this past Saturday, May 10, at the Polish Home on Capitol Hill. At the Pierogi Festival, I ate 14 pierogies (kraut & mushroom #1!), overheard an awkward conversation regarding traditional hats and "the Old Country," and was stamped on my right wrist with a blob of hot pink ink that read "YUM YUM!"

It is now Wednesday, May 14.
Here is a picture of my right wrist:

I have scrubbed the pink ink every day.* I have tried various soaps and abrasive Korean cloths and loofahs. The pink ink will not fade. My friends who were with me at the Pierogi Festival have reported the same stubborn YUM YUM spot**. Anyone else? WTF, Poland?

This leads me to three possible conclusions:

1. Using next-generation tiny ink molecule transmitter technology, the Poles got all up in my blood and are tracking my movements for their own sinister ends.

2. Using next-generation tiny ink molecule transmitter technology, the Poles got all up in my blood and are recording data on my likes and dislikes*** so they can get me a suuuuuper awesome Christmas present this year!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. It's just permanent ink. It takes a while to wash off. Calm the fuck down.

Anyone? Thoughts? Anyone?

*NOT A EUPHEMISM FOR MASTURBATION!
**MOST DEFINITELY A EUPHEMISM FOR MASTURBATION.
***TURN-ONS: PIEROGIES. TURN-OFFS: FRUITLESS SCRUBBING, SCRUBBING, ALWAYS SCRUBBING.

Using magical flying cars! (No need to worry about accidents--they're run by computers.)

In the face of this gas price tragedy, Americas are doing what they do best:

"Someone's making a lot of money and it's really, really wrong," added Twyman, who founded the Prayer at the Pump movement last week to seek help from a higher power to bring down fuel prices, because the powers in Washington haven't.

The half-dozen activists -- Twyman, a former Miss Washington DC, the owner of a small construction company and two volunteers at a local soup kitchen -- joined hands, bowed their heads and intoned a heartfelt prayer.

I thought it was a joke, but it looks like it's true.

"Lord, the prices at this pump have gone up since last week. We know that you are able, that you have all the power in the world," he prayed, before former beauty queen Rashida Jolley led the group in a modified version of the spiritual, "We Shall Overcome".

"We'll have lower gas prices, we'll have lower gas prices..." they sang.