"I was just looking for educational/less commercial gifts for my kid and felt like I was assaulted by this thing," writes JL. The Banana Bunker is "For for Kids," according to MOMA's website, and was designed to "protect delicate fruit." Says JL: "I find it freaky and weird that MOMA sells these dildo-shaped things and for some reason felt that I should let you know about it."

I don't share JL's concerns. Phallic objects assault our children pretty much everywhere they go—tree trunks! tall buildings! parking meters! The innocent banana itself, once liberated from its bunker, is itself dildo-shaped. And the banana, as anyone that's ever put one in a gym bag and them dumped books and a computer on top of it can attest, is a delicate fruit. So I don't look at the "Banana Bunker" and see a dildo. But I have to admit that it reminded me of another kind of banana bunker:

That's a CB 6000, a "male chastity device." Straight guys blog about their experiences wearing CB 6000s here and here.

Uh... nice objectives they've got there.

I'm right there with him until the legs bit. Via Towleroad's Guide to the Tube.

Now back to stressing out about the election...

To hell with free cups of coffee, Dom. Babeland is passing out free sex toys to voters—and voters can claim their free sex toys anytime between tomorrow and November 11.

Stop by any brick and mortar store (New York or Seattle) between November 4th and 11th and bring your voter registration card, voting stub or word of honor. If you voted, we’ll give you a Silver Bullet or a Maverick Sleeve (get it?) for free! Yes, free. It’s because we value voting that much.

Go vote and okay, sure, go grab a cup of coffee. Then drop by Babeland for your free sex toy, head down to the Stranger's election night bash, celebrate (jinxy!) Obama's victory, and cap off your night by inviting a some new friends back to your place to try out your new sex toys...

A vicar waddled into an emergency room at a hospital in Sheffield, UK complaining about a potato in his ass.... The vicar used the oldest excuse in the butt fucking manual: he fell on it.

The clergyman said he was hanging up some curtains in the nude when he accidentally fell on a potato lying on the kitchen table behind him. That damn potato! It was just laying there, in his way, all lubed up and ready to go!

Penetrating details—including the fact that the vicar had to undergo surgery to have the spud removed—are available at the Sun.

From ABC News:

A Catholic priest allegedly seduced a distraught woman after hearing her confession, telling her to have an affair with him because it was "ordained by God," the Queens, N.Y., woman claims in a lawsuit.

According to the lawsuit, Father Elvis Elano professed his love for her immediately after her first confession at the Church of Our Lady of the Snows in Queens, N.Y. "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt," Elano allegedly told Rodrigues-Lytwyn, who says she was distraught over her recent divorce and her ex-husband's alleged drug use.

The lawsuit, first reported by The Smoking Gun, claims Elano immediately began courting her and encouraging her to have sex with him to overcome her grief over her divorce and "because it was ordained by God."

Rodrigues-Lytwyn "immediately became overwhelmed" by Elano's advances and embarked on a four-month-long affair with him, the lawsuit says.

Extra-creepy closing details:

According to the lawsuit, Elano ordered Viagra over the Internet and arranged sexual encounters with Rodrigues-Lytwyn at her house and at a hotel in Montauk, N.Y. She claims she broke off her relationship after Elano admitted that he had developed a rash in his groin area and legs.

So, God ordained the affair, but refused to help Father Elano with his erectile disfunction or protect the priest from whatever rashed up his groin. Full story here.

Over three and a half decades, Deep Throat has been damned by religious groups, decried by feminists, defended by First Amendment advocates, derided by critics and debated by social scientists. It dragged for years through local and federal courts around the country in a welter of obscenity trials in which it was variously banned, unbanned and rebanned. All this had the effect, observers agreed, of sustaining acute public interest in the film.

...

In interviews over the years, Mr. Damiano credited his work as a hairdresser with having given him a keen understanding of women. This helped him greatly, he made clear, in his later career.

“I was just a nice guy, which is why I think I did pretty well,” he told The News-Press of Fort Myers in 2005. “I mean, I’d meet an actress and have to say, ‘Sit down, take your clothes off — I’m going to ask you to do some nasty things.’ You have to be pretty nice.”

NYT obit here.

They have filed a formal objection with the city, saying the city should not allow nude dancing a home-run's distance from a place where there have been 3.9 million visits from children between 1999 and 2007. ...

The Mariners are looking at "all the available options" to keep the club from opening, said Rebecca Hale, a team spokeswoman.

In a lengthy letter to the city, the Mariners maintain the issue involves more than just a ballpark. Children gather outside Safeco Field before and after games and the stadium hosts nongame events, including back-to-school rallies, junior and senior proms, high-school graduations and hundreds of school and public tours, the letter says.

Oh, yes, think of those impressionable children! You've got thousands of juvenile eyeballs staring for hours at gigantic billboards for beer--while sitting in bleachers packed with people drinking out of supersized, logo-emblazoned beer cups--and at their overpaid sports idols standing around and chewing tobacco. And in case their little Play-Doh brains can't make it down the the ballpark, television networks are clamoring to blast the beer logos along with a few extra beer ads into their homes on television. That's all hunky-dory with the Mariners. But heaven forbid a few hundred of the kids would walk past a building that they aren't allowed to enter where there's nudity. That might send the wrong message.

It's not as if beer should be hidden from kids--they should have limited exposure to certain adult activity so they know how to handle themselves once they grow up. But it's such a sanctimonious double-standard for the Mariners to shove one adult activity down these kids' retinas--taking millions of dollars for it--while lobbying the city to push another adult activity that happens behind closed doors out of existence.

Fuck you, Mariners.

...still dominates this Lima...
...on the first pages of a Google image search. We must thank the gods of the universe that Sarah Palin's name is not Seattle Palin.

HOCKEY GAME DELAYED BY DILDOS

And you gotta love this photo...

Unfortunately it's all about mocking a Swedish athlete who likes getting pegged. More at With Leather.

Ugh.

Do we really need to incorporate the consumption of chocolate into our sex lives? Surely we get enough chocolate in our diets as-is. And there's nothing particularly erotic about someone smearing chocolate on your body and lapping it up—and, I'm sorry, but someone with brown gunk smeared all over his face looks like... well, there's no nice way to say this: he looks like a scat fetishist, even if he smells a bit better. Chocolate body spreads—all flavored "sensual" body spreads—are ridiculous pseudo kinks offering up false sensuousness. Body spreads allow the sexually bored and/or desperate to "mix things up" without having to either reveal their actual dark & disturbing kinks to their sex partners or admit to themselves and their sex partners that they have no kinks and just need to make the most of the vanilla sex that they truly enjoy and stop feeling self-conscious about being vanilla and stay the hell out of sex shops.

Want another reason to avoid chocolate body spreads and the people who think they're hot? Some of them, it seems, are made in China and—surprise!—tainted with the industrial chemical melamine.

Thanks to Slog tipper SeattleBrad.

No, they're not a hot new rock band (though Christian Nymphos is the greatest band name this side of Stigmata Handjob). They're married Christian ladies filled with the spirit of horniness!

Each one of us who posts on this blog is a Christ follower. We all believe that God came down from heaven and was born of the virgin Mary…his name was Jesus; he walked this Earth performing signs and miracles, but mostly trying to get man to see the love that God had for him. He was crucified, died and buried. On the third day he rose again, ascending into Heaven, where He rules at the right hand of God the Father as part of the three-part trinity. We believe that his death and resurrection are God’s free gift, our Salvation, which we can never possibly earn except by believing that Christ died for our sins. We believe that His return is imminent, can happen at any moment and we anxiously await the day we are reunited with our Savior in Heaven.

We are women with excessive sexual desire for our husbands! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, God wants us to be madly in love with our husbands. He wants us to keep that fire burning in our marriage beds! We have the Song of Solomon as a perfect example of a Christ honored union where the two people are obviously intoxicated with each other.

Good for you, Christian nymphos. (And thank you, MetaFilter.)