And anyone curious about why Terry occasionally wears a fake mustache can find the answer here.

I want these people to absolutely wince with fear each time a guy opens the door. I want them to feel as violated as all gay Californians do.

Latter Day Sinner

P.S. Two years ago you helped my boyfriend and me through a rough patch. Thanks! We're celebrating ten years next month (9.75 of which have been great), in part due to your help.

I was planning to blow up in the faces of the very next Mormon "elders" who dared to show up on my porch, LDS, but I like your plan better. But I'm going to offer to let 'em make their case after they've finished blowing me.

Despite all the blood sweat and tears that the gay community has put in to defeating Prop 8, it looks like the cause of marriage equality in this country has been dealt another blow. Another defeat. Another example of the commingling of church and state and the "tyranny of the majority" that our founding fathers fought against. Blah, blah, blah.

I think there are many gay and lesbian citizens who, like me, are enraged by the campaign in support of prop 8. As you know a large chunk of the funding came from the Mormon Church. Instead of just bottling our rage, let's all get on planes and trains, and in automobiles, and go to Utah. The plan would be for gay and lesbians to visit Utah en masse to make the point that if religious folk are going to encroach on our lives, we will encroach on theirs.

I'm envisioning hoards of drag queens tastefully posing in front of statues of Joseph Smith. Chirping bottoms singing "We are Family" and dancing on that well manicured lawn in front of the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City. Above all, I'm seeing gay couples everywhere HOLDING HANDS in front of the very people who financed this attack on us. I think we need people wearing pink triangles and leather daddies to get the point across, not preppy HRC pencil pushers.

Yes, yes. I know that not ALL Mormons were for Prop 8. And I know that not ALL the money for Prop 8 came from the Mormon Church. However, this excursion is not about protest or even changing minds. It's about preserving the collective mental health of the gay community through catharsis. I can't think of a better "FUCK YOU!!" than to litter Salt Lake City with santorum-laced condoms.

Your thoughts?

Stephen G.

It sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than Gay Days at Disneyland or gay cruise, SG, and if someone out there wants to organize "Gay Days in Salt Lake City" and get it off the ground, I'll help promote through the column and I'll attend.

Well, the kid came out to his whole family. You can hear how it went by clicking here.

UPDATE: The final polling on Prop 8 (via Sullivan)....

The polls in California are looking good—thanks in part to you, Jordan. Full marriage equality comes to Connecticut on November 12. If Democrats gain control of the New York State Senate, marriage equality could come to New York—which already recognizes same-sex marriages performed in other states—early next year. Obama has promised to work toward a repeal of DOMA, which, if he's successful, would make the federal rights and responsibilities of marriage available to same-sex couples who live in states with marriage equality.

What of Washington state? If Dino Rossi wins today—thanks Help's husband—our state's gradual movement toward full marriage equality for same-sex couples, successfully pushed by state Sen. Ed Murray and state Rep. Jamie Pedersen in the wake of the Washington state Supreme Court's appallingly bigoted ruling against marriage equality, will come to a screeching halt. Rossi says he isn't "running on" the issue of same-sex marriage, but he will veto a gay marriage bill and, most likely, any further expansion of Washington state's domestic partnership law.

Vote Gregoire.

The problem: We're not indulging each others kinks. I've always been into being a sub but I have no desire to be topped by him. I'd like to try out the dom role—he's expressed interest—but he wants me to fight him for dominance. Which is ridiculous being as he is twice my size and strength.

And then there's the food fetish. He would love to eat food off of my body, esp. my pussy. I consider myself GGG and would like to indulge him. Esp. as this could tap into my submissive side. However I am prone to yeast infections and worry about the health and safety of my pussy if he puts, say raw oysters or strawberries in/on my delicates. The real clincher: He's gained at least 40 pounds since we hooked up. I find his eating of large portions of rich food repulsive, and now he wants to bring it into the bedroom? How can I find this erotic when his over eating turns me off?

He's a keeper is so so many ways. I really need your insight on this. Thanks so much.

M.

So... much... to... discuss...

Your kinks: You can fight for dominance without having a physical fight. Monopoly? Winner doms? Or something sexier—Stratego? Gin? Connect Four? And he can eat stuff off you without having stuff anything into your delicates. Your health concerns, of course, are reasonable and should come first. He can also lay a piece of Saran Wrap over your pussy if he wants to slurp something off your twat. You can't be expected to endure infections to indulge his kink.

Weight gain: A real problem, considering your feelings about it. But... he's aging, and bodies change. He should be conscious, however, of the risks of obesity—to his health and his love life, considering your feelings. He should be anxious to do something proactive about his weight for both of those reasons. And you could make it a delightful game: For every five pounds he loses, he gets to indulge his fetish—and you'll buy the food, set it all up, and present him with a big fantasy-fulfilling spread.

And, hey, strawberries and oysters aren't exactly calorie-laden foods. Maybe you should be encouraging him to indulge his fetish so long as it replaces whatever he's eating at meals currently.

In your reply to Congenital Invert on October 30 you said, "But the world will little note, nor long remember the names you came up with for your long list of impossible and/or improbable sex acts."

I also read "Dear Prudence" at Slate.com. In her October 30th column, in response to Boo Hoo (whose husband chose to go hunting instead of taking his 2 and 4 year old children trick-or-treating) she says, "You're right, at ages 2 and 4, your children will little note nor long remember that they had to face this year's trick-or-treating without their father."

I enjoy the references to other writer's works, and in these cases you both used Lincoln's words to good effect. (Although I do think the contrast you made between the Gettysburg address and sex acts was much more striking.) But I'm just curious: Was this a coincidence, or is it Abraham Lincoln week for advice columnists? Do I need to look up Carolyn Hax's columns this week to see if she's received letters from anyone four score and seven years of age?

Just Wondering

Well, the secret is out—I'm writing both "Savage Love" and "Dear Prudence." Want more proof? Check out the first letter in Prudence's October 30th column, Sloggers. Case closed.

Surely a piece of latex carefully molded into the shape of a vagina and paired with a gaping asshole should be called a "Sarahcudda."

Love the column.

Edward

You win, Edward.

Even though we always play safe outside, we both get turned on by barebacking. We like bareback porn and the idea of barebacking is hot to us. One onf my unfulfilled fantasies is to be the bottom in a bareback gang bang. We are going on vacation in a few months with a couple we've been friends with for a few years and have played with. They are good friends and we trust them. They are both negative. Recently we were hanging out and the idea of the four of us barebacking together when we are on vacation came up. We agreed that if we did this we would all get tested the week before the vacation, and we would only do this during our vacation. Once we are back home, no more barebacking.

So, my question is this: Is this a totally stupid idea and the first step on a slippery slope? Or is this a situation where we are all going into this knowing there are certain risks but we are going about this in a reasonably pragmatic way? Should we do this, or leave it as a fantasy and enjoy a safe vacation?

Heading To Fantasy Island

Officially, HTFI, I'm opposed. Testing the week before you all go away isn't going to reveal a recent infection, and being a bareback gangbang bottom could—could—place you at risk. And you may find that once you cross this line, crossing it again (and again and again and again) won't seem like a big deal, and your very greasy ass will be sliding down that very slippery slope.

But... if you trust these guys, and if they're SAFE with others, and if you bear in mind that you can get infected doing things generally considered "safe" (like oral), and if you trust your partner, and if realizing this fantasy is really important to you, well, you're a grownup. You have a right to weigh the risks against the rewards, assess your circumstances, and make the call. Some fantasies are worth taking risks to realize. But you have to accept the potential negative consequences going in, HTFI, and recognize that they could be severe.

And how much is the realization of this fantasy worth to your friends? Perhaps they would be willing to swear off all outside play—your and your boyfriend too—until this vacation. So you all test now, both couples remain strictly monogamous for the next three months, and everyone tests again before you head off on vacation. You won't know for absolute certain that everyone is still HIV negative, but the odds will be much lower. If the prospect of the four of you getting to throw the condoms out for two glorious weeks is tempting enough for everyone to commit to no outside play (or no outsiders) until after your vacation, well....

There would still a risk, though—there's always a risk.

italiandon

I get fewer letters like this than readers might expect. But I get enough of 'em that one deserves, at some point, to be the SLLOTD. Congrats, italiandon!

Now I'd like to draw the attention of less hateful readers to the jealousy that seethes just beneath the surface of italiandon's note. Most straight boys admire men who have a lot of sex partners; men that get a lot of ass are players and studs. But straight men, being men, intuitively realize that it's much, much easier to rack up large numbers of sex partners—sometimes ridiculously large numbers, health-imperiling numbers—if you sleep with men. Convincing the average male—straight or gay—to have a one night stand or NSA sex or an anonymous encounter is infinitely easier than convincing the average straight woman to do the same. (This is one reason—one legit reason—why we should admire the hugely promiscuous straight guy: he's achieved something, he's triumphing over the long odds, etc.)

But some straight guys who don't get laid much—pathetic wannabe studs like italiandon—are swamped by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy when they ponder the fact that there are huge numbers of gay men out there having way more sex than they ever will. But they can't let themselves admire homos, of course, because we're homos, you see, and homos are contemptible. So they accuse us all—every last one of us—of being cocksuckers and assstuffees. Since the thought of sucking dick, as opposed to getting your dick sucked, or having your ass fucked, as opposed to fucking (lady) ass, repulses the average straight boy, convincing themselves that gay men only get to do these two things that repulse them—suck cock, get fucked—it suddenly doesn't matter how much we get laid. All the sex we're having is gross, it's all sex that italiandon here would take a pass on, so having lots of it doesn't make you a stud. It makes you a cocksucking queer.

But riddle me this, italiandon: If all gay men suck cock and get fucked... gee, whose cocks are we sucking and who's stuffing sicks up our assholes?

The gay male top—the gay suckee, the gay fucker—doesn't exist, that man has to be wished away. Because italiandon, despite his homophobia, might be jealous of that guy. Hell, he might want to be that guy.

To "Do Not Use My Name": You can have your squeaky-cigarette-clean girlfriend, and here's hoping she fools around on you because the stress of not smoking makes her crazy. Better yet...

Girlfriend? Find a more tolerant guy.

P in Ottawa

I stand by my advice to DNUMN: If smoking is a deal breaker for you, then make sure your trying-and-failing-to-quit girlfriend understands that it's a deal breaker. Period.

And to everyone who wrote in to say that DNUMN's girlfriend could just brush, floss, gargle, chew gum, refrain from smoking inside the house, etc., etc., you people don't get it. For those of us with smoking on our list of deal breakers, the problem isn't just smoke in the air or on the breath. Cigarette smoke permeates everything about a person—it fouls the taste of their bodily fluids, it seeps through their pores as they sleep, the smokers smells of smoke even after they've brushed, flossed, gargled, chewed gum, etc.

Some non-smokers can hack it; some non-smokers don't care. But for those of us that regard smoking as a deal breaker, "good" personal hygiene and the considerate "consumption" of cigarettes won't cut it. That's why it's a deal breaker—duh.

My absentee ballot arrived today and I immediately filled in my "NO" vote for the abhorrent Proposition 8. I have attached a photo of the freshly completed 'decision'.

It seems more often than not, I vote for the lesser of two evils or find myself choosing between two options, neither of which really seem to please. This was not one of those times. There was a clear right and wrong way to vote on the matter, one that left me without the slightest reservation that I had cast my ballot appropriately.

I hope very, very much that my (meager) financial contribution to No On 8 campaign will buy enough ad space to convince people that it is not okay to be a bigot, that it can sway enough people to do the right thing and treat other human beings like human beings. Were but it not necessary to buy ads to tell people that discrimination is wrong. Were but it not necessary to remind others that treating all as equals before the law is the right thing to do. But it appears that in 2008, it is still where we are.

I KNOW that my vote matters, though I wish very much that it did not. I wish very much that public opposition to same-sex marriage was so low that measures like Prop 8 had no chance to pass. But that is not where we are, so I do what I can and hope that what I have done is enough.

Use this as you wish. I've absolutely no qualms with my 'secret ballot' or my identity being made public. It was without a doubt the only conscionable action. I am not gay, but I have a vested interest in the outcome. We all have a vested interest. We are all human.

Jason Eshleman

The problem is this: Whereas our boyfriend and I have an easy and fun time with the relationship, my partner has found it much more difficult. My partner and I have a great relationship and for the most part having a boyfriend hasn't caused problems between us—the problem is more between him and her. She sometimes doesn't feel a strong connection with him, and even though she really adores him, doesn't always feel quite as loved in return. We've talked about it, he feels like his love is spread equally and he's trying everything to make sure she feels good about it. It seems to be this intangible thing—she just doesn't feel the I'm-into-you vibes coming from him sometimes—and we're not sure what can actually be done about it.

Anyways, most of the time we have a blast together. Then about once a month my partner feels overwhelmed by the emotional insecurity of not knowing bone-deep that he really is that into her and she gets really upset. Last week was one such meltdown and the three of us made a mutual decision that this was causing too much pain for her, and we should split with our boyfriend (my partner and I are staying together).

But... this just doesn't feel right! We all love each other, we all really want to be together, and when it's good, it's really really good. We don't wanna split up, it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, but we just don't know if there's a way to make it work and no one wants to put my partner through the emotional wringer any more. Do you think there's any way we can make it work, or are we just dragging out an impossible situation and making it more painful in the long run? We are very much open to any advice you have.

Trio Has Relationship Ending Early

Splitting up with your boyfriend, at least for now, is absolutely the right thing to do. Your partner needs to see that, first off, she's your top priority. You came to this party with her, you'll leave this party with her if she wants to go.

I doubt that her insecurity is really or entirely about not feeling as close a connection to your boyfriend; I suspect it's wrapped up in feelings of insecurity about your connection with the boyfriend and fears of losing you to him. By splitting up with him—for now—your girlfriend may come to understand, bone-deep, that you two are the foundation, the rock, the cake, and he's the addition, the moss, the frosting. Then she will be able to relax and feel more secure about this relationship—and by "relationship," of course, I mean the original relationship, the two of you, not the three of you.

Now about your three-way relationship—your triad—there are always real or perceived imbalances of affection and connection in a triad. And those imbalances can shift—you may feel on the outs one day, or he may, if you three get back together and stay together long enough. A perfectly balanced triad is impossible; you're three people, not three legs on a stool. If a person can't handle imbalances and fleeting feelings of jealousy and/or panic, if she can't handle the emotional crosscurrents created by imbalances of affection and power and sexual connection, if she can't be zen about it, and accept that an imbalance isn't a bug, as they say, but a feature, and be at peace with it, blah blah blah, then it's best to avoid triads.

If your girlfriend can't hack it unless she's always feeling that things are absolutely equally balanced—that her connection to you is as intense as yours is to her and his is to you and his is to her and her to him and wocka wocka—then your triad is doomed.

J.P.

Yeah, it's just your morbid curiosity—right.

Regardless, J.P., I didn't save those photos. Even if I had, I couldn't and wouldn't share them with you or anyone else. I don't take much seriously, kids, but I do keep the confidential bits of the mail I receive at "Savage Love"—real names, email addresses, incriminating photos—confidential.*

* Well, I have been known to let my boyfriend take a look at the occasional photo. Spousal privilege.

I haven't gotten any lately because I'm working my ass off to get into grad school, so little things like shaving my pubes haven't been on the top of my list. But I shaved. I feel like I put a little effort into this.

The day of our planned hook up, he emailed me saying that he had second thoughts and decided to just stay home and do some chores. I feel like he was messing with my head but I value his honesty. Now I don't know how to respond or if I even should.

Missionary Reject

Hm. That you would even consider sleeping with a dude that just got back from working to pass Prop 8—let alone a Mormon dude (isn't pre-marital sex as bad as tea?)—is kind of deal breaker for me, MR. So, sorry, no advice for you. Hope you itch when your pubes come back.

I'm a 28 year-old straight male virgin. There are lots of insecurities that have prevented me from getting laid. I'm dealing with those and I'm making progress but the one area I'm stuck on is being afraid of being labeled a "pig." The image of men is that we're sex crazed maniacs and I never wanted to be like that so I went in the opposite direction and never pursued women. Pursuing women seems like a stalkerish thing to do. I acted like a friend even if I got what I thought were signals that she might be interested in a relationship. Women seem to to like me and I've always assumed that it was because I didn't act like a "typical" guy. I have a normal sex drive and masturbate frequently while thinking about women so no homosexuality lurking about. But I have this stupid idea that showing a sexual interest is inherently disrespectful and I don't want to be an asshole so I sit on the sidelines as other men get to date the women I want. There is this one girl that I just got over that I thought was sending me signals that I did nothing about. We flirted for two years, and I thought there was something between us but as it turns out she had a boyfriend the entire time. Someone else was showing an interest in her and when her relationship ended this other guy moved in and now he's sleeping with her. If I hadn't been such a coward I could have made pass at her and maybe I'd get to date her now. I need to fix this problem now before it's too late.

I Need To Change

Let your inner pig out, INTC, you have my permission.

Here's the thing about male piggishness, kiddo: women dig it; fags do too. What women don't like, what fags don't like, are guys who are incapable of moderating their piggishness. Everyone wants to be with someone who LUSTS after 'em, or wants 'em, who'll take 'em. You can be a good, respectful guy AND be a "pig" too. You just have to be able to turn it on and off as the situation requires—and if you could shut it off permanently, INTC, you can certainly shut it off intermittently.

The next time you're interested in a woman, let her know—let her know you're into her, give her your phone number, ask for hers. Force yourself to do it. Will she think you're a pig? If she isn't into you, she might. If she is, she won't.