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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 29 at 11:15 AM

Dear Dan,

Surely a piece of latex carefully molded into the shape of a vagina and paired with a gaping asshole should be called a "Sarahcudda."

Love the column.


You win, Edward.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 28 at 3:50 PM

I'm a 29 year-old gay male. I'm in a 5 year relationship. My partner and I are both HIV negative and we bareback with each other. We have a certain degree of openness in the relationship (mostly when we are on vacation or one of us is out of town), and we always play safe when we are playing with people outside the relationship. We get tested every six months for HIV and everything else and we've always been clean.

Even though we always play safe outside, we both get turned on by barebacking. We like bareback porn and the idea of barebacking is hot to us. One onf my unfulfilled fantasies is to be the bottom in a bareback gang bang. We are going on vacation in a few months with a couple we've been friends with for a few years and have played with. They are good friends and we trust them. They are both negative. Recently we were hanging out and the idea of the four of us barebacking together when we are on vacation came up. We agreed that if we did this we would all get tested the week before the vacation, and we would only do this during our vacation. Once we are back home, no more barebacking.

So, my question is this: Is this a totally stupid idea and the first step on a slippery slope? Or is this a situation where we are all going into this knowing there are certain risks but we are going about this in a reasonably pragmatic way? Should we do this, or leave it as a fantasy and enjoy a safe vacation?

Heading To Fantasy Island

Officially, HTFI, I'm opposed. Testing the week before you all go away isn't going to reveal a recent infection, and being a bareback gangbang bottom could—could—place you at risk. And you may find that once you cross this line, crossing it again (and again and again and again) won't seem like a big deal, and your very greasy ass will be sliding down that very slippery slope.

But... if you trust these guys, and if they're SAFE with others, and if you bear in mind that you can get infected doing things generally considered "safe" (like oral), and if you trust your partner, and if realizing this fantasy is really important to you, well, you're a grownup. You have a right to weigh the risks against the rewards, assess your circumstances, and make the call. Some fantasies are worth taking risks to realize. But you have to accept the potential negative consequences going in, HTFI, and recognize that they could be severe.

And how much is the realization of this fantasy worth to your friends? Perhaps they would be willing to swear off all outside play—your and your boyfriend too—until this vacation. So you all test now, both couples remain strictly monogamous for the next three months, and everyone tests again before you head off on vacation. You won't know for absolute certain that everyone is still HIV negative, but the odds will be much lower. If the prospect of the four of you getting to throw the condoms out for two glorious weeks is tempting enough for everyone to commit to no outside play (or no outsiders) until after your vacation, well....

There would still a risk, though—there's always a risk.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 24 at 1:50 PM

hey dan your a big cocksucking queer, roughly how many dicks have you had stuffed up your asshole????


I get fewer letters like this than readers might expect. But I get enough of 'em that one deserves, at some point, to be the SLLOTD. Congrats, italiandon!

Now I'd like to draw the attention of less hateful readers to the jealousy that seethes just beneath the surface of italiandon's note. Most straight boys admire men who have a lot of sex partners; men that get a lot of ass are players and studs. But straight men, being men, intuitively realize that it's much, much easier to rack up large numbers of sex partners—sometimes ridiculously large numbers, health-imperiling numbers—if you sleep with men. Convincing the average male—straight or gay—to have a one night stand or NSA sex or an anonymous encounter is infinitely easier than convincing the average straight woman to do the same. (This is one reason—one legit reason—why we should admire the hugely promiscuous straight guy: he's achieved something, he's triumphing over the long odds, etc.)

But some straight guys who don't get laid much—pathetic wannabe studs like italiandon—are swamped by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy when they ponder the fact that there are huge numbers of gay men out there having way more sex than they ever will. But they can't let themselves admire homos, of course, because we're homos, you see, and homos are contemptible. So they accuse us all—every last one of us—of being cocksuckers and assstuffees. Since the thought of sucking dick, as opposed to getting your dick sucked, or having your ass fucked, as opposed to fucking (lady) ass, repulses the average straight boy, convincing themselves that gay men only get to do these two things that repulse them—suck cock, get fucked—it suddenly doesn't matter how much we get laid. All the sex we're having is gross, it's all sex that italiandon here would take a pass on, so having lots of it doesn't make you a stud. It makes you a cocksucking queer.

But riddle me this, italiandon: If all gay men suck cock and get fucked... gee, whose cocks are we sucking and who's stuffing sicks up our assholes?

The gay male top—the gay suckee, the gay fucker—doesn't exist, that man has to be wished away. Because italiandon, despite his homophobia, might be jealous of that guy. Hell, he might want to be that guy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 23 at 1:05 PM

You are totally off the mark on the smoking thing in your column this week. I would love it if my wife would quit smoking, but I would never consider dumping her for not.

To "Do Not Use My Name": You can have your squeaky-cigarette-clean girlfriend, and here's hoping she fools around on you because the stress of not smoking makes her crazy. Better yet...

Girlfriend? Find a more tolerant guy.

P in Ottawa

I stand by my advice to DNUMN: If smoking is a deal breaker for you, then make sure your trying-and-failing-to-quit girlfriend understands that it's a deal breaker. Period.

And to everyone who wrote in to say that DNUMN's girlfriend could just brush, floss, gargle, chew gum, refrain from smoking inside the house, etc., etc., you people don't get it. For those of us with smoking on our list of deal breakers, the problem isn't just smoke in the air or on the breath. Cigarette smoke permeates everything about a person—it fouls the taste of their bodily fluids, it seeps through their pores as they sleep, the smokers smells of smoke even after they've brushed, flossed, gargled, chewed gum, etc.

Some non-smokers can hack it; some non-smokers don't care. But for those of us that regard smoking as a deal breaker, "good" personal hygiene and the considerate "consumption" of cigarettes won't cut it. That's why it's a deal breaker—duh.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 22 at 10:45 AM

From a reader in California...


My absentee ballot arrived today and I immediately filled in my "NO" vote for the abhorrent Proposition 8. I have attached a photo of the freshly completed 'decision'.

It seems more often than not, I vote for the lesser of two evils or find myself choosing between two options, neither of which really seem to please. This was not one of those times. There was a clear right and wrong way to vote on the matter, one that left me without the slightest reservation that I had cast my ballot appropriately.

I hope very, very much that my (meager) financial contribution to No On 8 campaign will buy enough ad space to convince people that it is not okay to be a bigot, that it can sway enough people to do the right thing and treat other human beings like human beings. Were but it not necessary to buy ads to tell people that discrimination is wrong. Were but it not necessary to remind others that treating all as equals before the law is the right thing to do. But it appears that in 2008, it is still where we are.

I KNOW that my vote matters, though I wish very much that it did not. I wish very much that public opposition to same-sex marriage was so low that measures like Prop 8 had no chance to pass. But that is not where we are, so I do what I can and hope that what I have done is enough.

Use this as you wish. I've absolutely no qualms with my 'secret ballot' or my identity being made public. It was without a doubt the only conscionable action. I am not gay, but I have a vested interest in the outcome. We all have a vested interest. We are all human.

Jason Eshleman

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 21 at 11:30 AM

I'm writing this letter on behalf of three of us (although all of us worked on editing it). I've been in a relationship with my partner (we're both women in our mid-20's) for about three and a half years. Six months or so ago, we started a three-way relationship with a guy. It started when I kissed him at a party (with my partner's knowledge and OK). The guy and I hooked up a few times, then my partner joined us. We never expected it to turn into a long-lasting relationship, but we all were having fun and enjoying each other, so we kept it going. It's more than just sex—we're good friends, we hang out, and we call him our boyfriend.

The problem is this: Whereas our boyfriend and I have an easy and fun time with the relationship, my partner has found it much more difficult. My partner and I have a great relationship and for the most part having a boyfriend hasn't caused problems between us—the problem is more between him and her. She sometimes doesn't feel a strong connection with him, and even though she really adores him, doesn't always feel quite as loved in return. We've talked about it, he feels like his love is spread equally and he's trying everything to make sure she feels good about it. It seems to be this intangible thing—she just doesn't feel the I'm-into-you vibes coming from him sometimes—and we're not sure what can actually be done about it.

Anyways, most of the time we have a blast together. Then about once a month my partner feels overwhelmed by the emotional insecurity of not knowing bone-deep that he really is that into her and she gets really upset. Last week was one such meltdown and the three of us made a mutual decision that this was causing too much pain for her, and we should split with our boyfriend (my partner and I are staying together).

But... this just doesn't feel right! We all love each other, we all really want to be together, and when it's good, it's really really good. We don't wanna split up, it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, but we just don't know if there's a way to make it work and no one wants to put my partner through the emotional wringer any more. Do you think there's any way we can make it work, or are we just dragging out an impossible situation and making it more painful in the long run? We are very much open to any advice you have.

Trio Has Relationship Ending Early

Splitting up with your boyfriend, at least for now, is absolutely the right thing to do. Your partner needs to see that, first off, she's your top priority. You came to this party with her, you'll leave this party with her if she wants to go.

I doubt that her insecurity is really or entirely about not feeling as close a connection to your boyfriend; I suspect it's wrapped up in feelings of insecurity about your connection with the boyfriend and fears of losing you to him. By splitting up with him—for now—your girlfriend may come to understand, bone-deep, that you two are the foundation, the rock, the cake, and he's the addition, the moss, the frosting. Then she will be able to relax and feel more secure about this relationship—and by "relationship," of course, I mean the original relationship, the two of you, not the three of you.

Now about your three-way relationship—your triad—there are always real or perceived imbalances of affection and connection in a triad. And those imbalances can shift—you may feel on the outs one day, or he may, if you three get back together and stay together long enough. A perfectly balanced triad is impossible; you're three people, not three legs on a stool. If a person can't handle imbalances and fleeting feelings of jealousy and/or panic, if she can't handle the emotional crosscurrents created by imbalances of affection and power and sexual connection, if she can't be zen about it, and accept that an imbalance isn't a bug, as they say, but a feature, and be at peace with it, blah blah blah, then it's best to avoid triads.

If your girlfriend can't hack it unless she's always feeling that things are absolutely equally balanced—that her connection to you is as intense as yours is to her and his is to you and his is to her and her to him and wocka wocka—then your triad is doomed.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 20 at 5:53 PM

Just read your latest column where you had mentioned that someone sent you several dozen digital photos of he and his wife engaged in "poop play." Can you forward them to me? Just peaking my morbid curiosity. Thanks!


Yeah, it's just your morbid curiosity—right.

Regardless, J.P., I didn't save those photos. Even if I had, I couldn't and wouldn't share them with you or anyone else. I don't take much seriously, kids, but I do keep the confidential bits of the mail I receive at "Savage Love"—real names, email addresses, incriminating photos—confidential.*

* Well, I have been known to let my boyfriend take a look at the occasional photo. Spousal privilege.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 17 at 4:34 PM

A close friend of mine and I have, in the past, been fuck buddies. He's Mormon and just got back from his 2 year mission in California (yep, he spent plenty of time working for Prop. 8). Anyway, he emailed me and we sort of chatted each other off. He asked me if I wanted to hook up a few days after he got home. I said sure and worked him into my pretty busy schedule.

I haven't gotten any lately because I'm working my ass off to get into grad school, so little things like shaving my pubes haven't been on the top of my list. But I shaved. I feel like I put a little effort into this.

The day of our planned hook up, he emailed me saying that he had second thoughts and decided to just stay home and do some chores. I feel like he was messing with my head but I value his honesty. Now I don't know how to respond or if I even should.

Missionary Reject

Hm. That you would even consider sleeping with a dude that just got back from working to pass Prop 8—let alone a Mormon dude (isn't pre-marital sex as bad as tea?)—is kind of deal breaker for me, MR. So, sorry, no advice for you. Hope you itch when your pubes come back.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 16 at 4:26 PM

How do you get over fear of acting like a pig?

I'm a 28 year-old straight male virgin. There are lots of insecurities that have prevented me from getting laid. I'm dealing with those and I'm making progress but the one area I'm stuck on is being afraid of being labeled a "pig." The image of men is that we're sex crazed maniacs and I never wanted to be like that so I went in the opposite direction and never pursued women. Pursuing women seems like a stalkerish thing to do. I acted like a friend even if I got what I thought were signals that she might be interested in a relationship. Women seem to to like me and I've always assumed that it was because I didn't act like a "typical" guy. I have a normal sex drive and masturbate frequently while thinking about women so no homosexuality lurking about. But I have this stupid idea that showing a sexual interest is inherently disrespectful and I don't want to be an asshole so I sit on the sidelines as other men get to date the women I want. There is this one girl that I just got over that I thought was sending me signals that I did nothing about. We flirted for two years, and I thought there was something between us but as it turns out she had a boyfriend the entire time. Someone else was showing an interest in her and when her relationship ended this other guy moved in and now he's sleeping with her. If I hadn't been such a coward I could have made pass at her and maybe I'd get to date her now. I need to fix this problem now before it's too late.

I Need To Change

Let your inner pig out, INTC, you have my permission.

Here's the thing about male piggishness, kiddo: women dig it; fags do too. What women don't like, what fags don't like, are guys who are incapable of moderating their piggishness. Everyone wants to be with someone who LUSTS after 'em, or wants 'em, who'll take 'em. You can be a good, respectful guy AND be a "pig" too. You just have to be able to turn it on and off as the situation requires—and if you could shut it off permanently, INTC, you can certainly shut it off intermittently.

The next time you're interested in a woman, let her know—let her know you're into her, give her your phone number, ask for hers. Force yourself to do it. Will she think you're a pig? If she isn't into you, she might. If she is, she won't.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 15 at 3:30 PM

I am a 20 year old female, I have been dating a 30 year old male for about 6 months now. He sold my brother a hard drive and my brother happend to find A LOT of shemale porn inside of a hidden folder on the hard drive. I did ask him about it, and he said it was a joke. I'm not sure that its a joke. I'm a very sexually educated person, and think that fantasies are a part of sexual health to some degree, but for some reason I feel concerned about the whole she male situation. Should I buy a strap on and join in or should I feel concerned?


It's not a joke—and it's not necessarily an "either/or" question, D.H. You can buy a strap-on and feel concerned, D.H. But first...

Your boyfriend's interest in shemale porn and, presumably, shemale persons is not evidence that he's gay or incapable of monogamy. That's the assumption scandalized girlfriends and/or wives tend to make when they discover a big, fat, sweaty cache of shemale porn—he must be a fag or he's cheating on me with shedudes or both. But rest (somewhat) assured: Gay men aren't interested in shemales or shemale porn, and gay men don't patronize shemale escorts. Shemale porn/escorts are almost exclusively consumed/patronized by straight guys who are into cock, or would like to get into cock, but are absolutely, positively not into other dudes.

So what do you do?

You don't accept transparent bullshit for an answer, for starters. Men don't assemble "joke" porn collections. Say this to the boyfriend: "Look, level with me about this—or we're through." And this is what honest "leveling with" will sound like: "Look, I'm straight, I love women, I'm into you. But I'm fascinated by chicks with dicks and want to experience what it's like to be with a chick with a dick sometime/again sometime."

If he doesn't say that or something close, dump him. If he says that or something close, you have to decide if you can stay with a man with an admitted interest in shemales or if you would prefer find a new man who isn't interested in shemales or is better at concealing his interest in shemales.

Good luck!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 13 at 4:04 PM

Does the term "butthurt" have an antigay connotation regardless of context? Does anyone even use this off the internet anymore? I moderate a frequently read website and there's currently a debate as to whether the term—used in a critical but not quite inflammatory context—should be allowed.

I've been reading your column since eighth grade. I'm 22 now.


I don't have a problem with "butthurt," T. But I don't have a problem with "that's so gay" either, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.

Any Sloggers got a problem with "butthurt"?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Begging for a Pegging?

posted by on October 9 at 2:36 PM

Did "Ink Pen" cartoonist Phil Dunlap sneak a very dirty joke onto the comics pages of America's daily newspapers on purpose? Or by accident?


Is there some other sort of pegging a person can beg for besides this kind of pegging?

Thanks to Slog tipper Bill.

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 9 at 10:27 AM

I get more letters at "Savage Love" than I could ever hope respond to in the column or in print. But until October 16 you can get a guaranteed response by going to, making a donation of $25 or more, and sending me your question along with your donation confirmation email. Today's letter is from a reader that donated $50 to the No On Prop 8 campaign.

You're crazy, you're going get thousands of emails. Impressive and heroic, what you are doing. I'm sorry I couldn't give more, I've given all my spare money to Obama the last couple months. Anyhow, I know how to fix low female libido. A woman can do it herself with a trip to GNC and the grocery store. It works in about six weeks. With men it works faster, although it speeds up orgasm in both men and women, so it's a mixed bag for men. For women it's all good. It's mostly high-dose fish oil, but the diet also involves taking vitamins and minerals, eating a 40/30/30 diet, dark chocolate, and avoiding certain foods. I've added the entire thing at the end of this email. Please let women know. My question is, what can I do to persuade you my science is good, so you can tell women and help them?

You already did it—well, I'm not necessarily persuaded that your science is good. It may be, for all I know. But your donation persuaded me to post your email—your long, long, long email—the rest of which is after the jump...

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 8 at 4:13 PM

I get more letters at "Savage Love" than I could ever hope respond to in the column or in print. But until October 16 you can get a guaranteed response by going to, making a donation of $25 or more, and sending me your question along with your donation confirmation email. Today's letter is from a reader that donated $100 to the No On Prop 8 campaign.

I'm a 31 year old heterosexual woman and my boyfriend and I are starting to experiment with "pegging" (great term, btw). He's very much into submission and humiliation, and I find I'm pretty damn good at the fem-dom thing. I understand that preferences run the gamut and every couple needs to figure out their own boundaries, but I was wondering if you could give me your perspective on a couple things I find troubling.

#1. My boyfriend can be bossy sometimes, but I find his assertiveness particularly irritating when he tells me how to dominate him. Shouldn't this be my job to figure out what I want to do to him and just do it? I would never actually hurt him, but I think he's too bossy for a sub—or is that what people mean by "the bottom is actually in charge?"

#2. One of our "games" is when I get him almost-to-orgasm and then don't allow him to come. He really likes being denied orgasms. Maybe it's my inner man-pleaser, but sometimes I like when he comes because it makes me feel some sense of accomplishment and competence as a lover. However, I've noticed lately that when I do let him come, he kind of acts like a jerk afterward. It wouldn't bother me except that he's normally very sweet and affectionate. Is this typical post-orgasm men-don't-need-to-cuddle behavior, or is he upset because I didn't "deny" him? I've asked him, but he's not very chatty when he's in his post-orgasm jerk mode.

Inexperienced Pegger Eager to Gratify

#1. It's not your job to "figure out" how to dominate him. It's your job—both of your jobs—to talk about your turn-ons, and to talk about them at great length, and then come up with a mutually pleasurable list of BDSM activities and fantasies that you want to explore together. Then when you're fucking around, IPEG, you should stick pretty close to the items on that agreed upon list, while gently pushing his boundaries here and there. And he should refrain from all bossy behaviors and just freaking submit—unless, of course, he wants to employ a "safe word." But tell him that the use of his safe word ends the scene and the sex. If he uses his safe word, you get up, clean up, go to bed, give each other a kiss, and talk things over later. That way he won't use the safe word to edit the scene, i.e. it won't be a tool he can use to boss you around while you're topping him.

#2. If he's not chatty in post-orgasm mode, chat with him later—you know, when enough time has passed to put him back in pre-orgasm mode. (An hour? Two? Twelve?) And tell him what you've told me: You'll deny him orgasms regularly, but you also want to make him come regularly. Because it's what you want. And make him repeat after me: A fem-dom relationship is supposed to be what you, the fem, wants, and not what he, the dommed, wants.

Got a question? Make a donation today at and get an answer!

My Boyfriend Doesn't Like Me to Write About Our Sex Life...

posted by on October 8 at 9:50 AM

...and I'm sure Slog readers don't want to hear about it either, and I'm not going to go into specifics or anything here, and I'm certainly not going tell you people where I was last night when I should've been at home watching the debate. But in response to this post at Feministing about me supposedly advising all women everywhere "to have sex when they don't feel like it," I'd like to say this: I advised Wanna Want More to do exactly what me and my boyfriend have been doing for fourteen years. While we're pretty evenly matched libido-wise, there are times—when I'm wrapping up a book, when he's beat from schlepping our kid and the neighbors' kids around town—when one of us just isn't up for it.

And at those times, Feministing, a cheerful and indulgent milking goes a long way toward keeping a your partner content. But for the record: the advice I gave WWM applies to same-sex relationships and to straight relationships with a low-libido male and a frustrated female. Please make a note of it.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 7 at 2:37 PM

I get more letters at "Savage Love" than I could ever hope respond to in the column or in print. But until October 16 you can get a guaranteed response by going to, making a donation of $25 or more, and sending me your question along with your donation confirmation email.

My receipt from No On Prop 8 is attached below. Thanks for doing this, and I'm happy to make a contribution. My question, however, is complicated.

I started dating a girl about a year ago. After about five months, we hit some hard, rocky times and she stopped wanting to sleep together. After working on it for a long time, including seeing a therapist, we've gotten to a point where we're at least happy together again. Lots of cuddling, telling each other how much we appreciate each other; I mean, emotions seem real and not forced. But one of the problems for the longest time was that I made it clear that I wasn't going to wait forever for her to completely trust me again, and she was dominated by this feeling, i.e. "I need to sleep with him or he'll leave me!" which made the pressure way too great for her to actually get turned on. The happy period we've been in now has at least partially been a result of me no longer bringing up sex.

But we've been happy for six weeks now. We're doing some vaguely sexual things a couple times a week, but still no sex, and anytime we get close it's never "real" enough, or there's too much pressure on one of us, etc. My question is, how long should I do this? I mean, I can't give an ultimatum, and it's not like she doesn't know what's at stake and she REALLY does want things to work out. And we're happy in pretty much every other way people can be happy. But I get SO filled with loneliness sometimes with the lack of sex, and as much as I know we're both trying, there's no guarantee it will ever actually work out. I have to trust her, but every man has a breaking point.

Sometimes Happy, Sometimes Lonely

Hm. You write, "I wasn't going to wait forever for her to completely trust me again," SHSL, but you don't mention whatever it was you did—or didn't do—to make her trust you less or not at all. I could've used that info, you know, as I sat down to write you a little advice.

But setting aside my reservations, I'll say this: If you've only been seeing someone five months and you're already in therapy, well, that's a bad sign. At five months, SHSL, you should still be in the honeymoon phase, totally infatuated, and banging each other's brains out seven days a week. You shouldn't be sitting on sofa in a therapist's office trying to pinpoint just when how this relationship—a relationship of all of 20 weeks duration—hit rock bottom. A relationship that require the attentions of professional at so early a stage typically isn't worth the time and trouble of salvaging.

But, hey, you've invested seven additional months here, and so... well. Gee. Maybe you ought to stick it out a bit longer and see what your investment of time and cuddles and compassion got you. But an ultimatum is definitely in order—but not for her, SHSL, as an ultimatum will cause her to freeze up for sure. No, give yourself an ultimatum. Decide exactly how much more time you're willing to invest and how much longer you're willing to tough out a sexless relationship—three more months? six more months?—and if that date arrives and you're still just cuddling, cut your considerable losses and end the relationship.

Got a question? Make a donation today at and get an answer!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 6 at 12:57 PM

I get more letters at "Savage Love" than I could ever hope respond to in the column or in print. But until October 16 you can get a guaranteed response by going to, making a donation of $25 or more, and sending me your question along with your donation confirmation email.

I donated money to No On 8. Cool idea to set this up; thanks for taking the time to read and answer this.

I'm a 21-year-old gay guy. I used to think I had a clear type of guy I was into: small, twinky, feminine, boyish bottom. I've been dating a guy (my first BF) that fits this bill for the last few months and the sex has been mostly great, though lately he's been enjoying it more than I have. (I've started giving him head, which I didn't think I'd be into. I also fuck him, and he never fucks me.)

For the last few weeks my tastes have been changing. I'm now into more traditional-looking guys. Even bears sometimes. And I don't always think of being the top, as I used to—sometimes I even think of being the bottom! It used to be easy and clear. The problem is I'm worried I won't be able to find one guy I want to have sex with the rest of my life, because I don't have one clear type he can fit into—I'm attracted to a bunch of guys, not just one type.

Thanks for answering my question!

Bright College Days

Welcome to your all-grown-up-now sex life, BCD.

Like billions of men and women before you, BCD, you've discovered—now that you're out there dating and fucking—that whatever it was you thought you wanted back when we were beating off in your parents' house doesn't really do it for you, or isn't the only thing that does it for you. Do not despair. Everyone's first sexual experiences involve some testing of presumed preferences in body types and looks—our "type"—against reality. Some find that they're into bigger, meatier, even fatter folks than they thought they would be; others discover that, despite beating off to images of, say, muscle jocks all through adolescence, that slender guys do it for them.

So are you just not into twinks? Can't say. You may be into your Twink Boyfriend, or his type, but you're rapidly losing interest in him sexually because your dick wants to explore other types. And your dick knows that only way its ever gonna get to do that is if you end things with Twink Boyfriend, so your dick is actively sabotaging your relationship. Damn dick.

So what do you do? If there's a time in your life to be single and out there exploring your options and discovering what it is you really like in bed, it's when you're young and 21 and in college. So you might want to think about breaking things off with Twink Boyfriend. You could also propose opening things up; seeing other people, and other types of guys, perhaps together. I'll betcha there are lots of beefy, traditional-to-bearish looking guys at or around your school that would love to have a crack at you and your boyfriend together.

But you're very likely to learn, as you conduct your explorations, BCD, that you're attracted to twinks and jocks, bears and girly boys, topping and bottoming, and that there isn't "one type" of guy or sex that does it for you 24/7/365. Even if you were into just one type of guy—let's say girly twinks—you're still going to find yourself attracted to other guys, other girly twinks, in addition to the twink in your bed at home. You'll also find, as you meet other adult gay men, that most gay men in successful LTRs allow their partners to have some safe, controlled, occasional, and limited outside sexual contact. Some gay men are in monogamous relationships—or relationships they believe to be monogamous—but most gay male couples recognize that a frustrated desire to be with others—other twinks, other types, whatever—can be more destabilizing, and a bigger threat to the survival of their relationship, than the occasional threeway or piece on the side.

Got a question? Make a donation today at and get an answer!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 4 at 10:54 AM




Donate to the "No On Prop 8" campaign here.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 3 at 11:31 AM

My advice for the author of today's "Savage Love Letter of the Day"—and all my advice for SLLOTDs over the next two weeks, and all the advice I'll be giving in the print edition of my column for the next two weeks—was bought and paid for. Details here. But all you need to know is this: If you've got a question and you want a guaranteed response, go to, make a donation of $25 or more, and send me your question along with your donation confirmation email.

I am a 27 year-old straight female. I have been in long term relationships since I was a teenager and decided some time last year that I would like to enjoy the single life for a while. It has been great, and I am loving my freedom. Last week, I was on vacation and had a great night of sex with a friend of a friend of a friend. He has a girlfriend, although he was not aware that I knew this when I slept with him. I didn't feel guilty about it at the time because I rationalized: "I'm not going to see him again, I'm certainly not going to try to steal him from his girlfriend, we are using condoms, and who knows, maybe she's cool with it!"

Now, I'm not sure if I did the wrong thing because I think it's safe to assume that most girlfriends would not be "cool with it." If a similar situation arises in the future, do I have a moral responsibility to leave the men with girlfriends alone, or should I do as I please and let grownup dudes worry about their own girlfriends?

Worried About Bad Karma

I'm of two minds here.

First mind: As you move through your long overdue slut phase, WABK, would it really be that hard to avoid guys with girlfriends? Judging form my own mail, WABK, I'd say there's no shortage whatsoever of single straight guys up for a little NSA action. Wanna sleep better at night? Stick to single guys.

Second mind: Sometimes inertia keeps us in failing or failed relationships. And sometimes sleeping with someone else—a.k.a. "cheating," or getting a glimpse of how much better things could be—provides us with the impetus to do what must be done, i.e. to get on with the messy, unpleasant, protracted business of getting out of a failing or failed relationship. In these instances, WABK, sleeping with someone who's technically "involved" with someone else is a mission of mercy, the kind good works that pile up rewards in heaven, the kind of change we can believe in, etc. Unfortunately there's no way to know in advance if the involved person you're sleeping with is in a failed or failing relationship, so you're still kind of a slut. But you may be retroactively exonerated.

Bonus third mind: The guy you slept with had a girlfriend, not a wife. Call me old-fashioned—and good luck with that—but "cheating" when you're dating, even if you're in a "committed" relationship, isn't as serious an offense as cheating when you're married. The seriousness of a commitment increases exponentially as a couple moves from dating to engaged to married. And our primary mission when we're seriously dating someone—but while we're merely that person's boyfriend and/or girlfriend—is to determine if this person is the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives. And sometimes sleeping with another person can help us make that determination.

Got a question? Make a donation today at and get an answer!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 1 at 4:17 PM

My fiance is male and a touch bisexual and, like the SIL in your column today, very much into spanking. Before we started dating he frequented he maintained several profiles on kinky websites. Through his personal ads he got to know a number of spanking "bottoms." He gets together with these people—all of them men—for regular spanking "sessions." These sessions don't involve "intercourse," just spanking and masturbation. My fiance doesn't masturbate, only "his bottoms" do. (I say "a touch bisexual" because spanking is the only thing he does with men.)

While we were dating I gave him the okay to continue to see some of his regular spanking "friends." But now that we're about to get married I feel that he should stop "seeing" these men. He says I am asking him to forgo an important part of his sexuality. I think it's time for us both to be grown ups. I'm not interested in being married to a man who whips other men's behinds.

Wedded Blister

P.S. I do not like to be spanked myself, so I am asking him to forgo his "kink" for me. Love requires sacrifice.

I don't know how long you've been reading my column, WB, but either you haven't been reading for long or my writing hasn't had an impact on you. I mean, you can't seriously expect me to back you up here, right? If you didn't want to marry a man who whips other men's behinds, why were you dating one? Why did you accept a marriage proposal from one?

I know what you were doing, WB: You liked this guy well enough and thought he was good husband material—save his kinks—so you lead him to believe you were cool with his fetish and that "touch" of bisexuality and his play buddies. But you intended, consciously or not, to "edit" his sex life just as soon as you could. And now—after he's proposed and after you've accepted and after the wedding plans have been made—you've delivered the ultimatum: It's me or your kinks.

Here's hoping he recognizes you for the manipulative little piece of shit that you are, WB, and picks his kinks over the long, hard, castrating slog that life with you would amount to.

Ever Sent Me a Letter at "Savage Love"?

posted by on October 1 at 10:03 AM

And not gotten a response? Well, now there's a way—for two weeks only—to make sure you get a response. From this week's column...

A NOTE TO MY READERS: I get more letters at Savage Love than I could ever hope to respond to personally and infinitely more letters than I couldå ever hope to fit in this space. There's really no secret to getting your letter into the column: I just have to find your problem somewhat interesting, basically. (You are, however, better off e-mailing me on Tuesdays, when I sit down to write, than you are on, say, Fridays, when I sit down to drink.) The fact that I can't respond to every letter leads to a lot of hurt feelings. Every day I get complaints from readers who can't believe I replied to the dude with shit on his dick and not to them.

Well, dear readers, for two weeks—and two weeks only—you can get a guaranteed response from me. Just go to, click "Donate Now," and do your part to help preserve marriage equality in California. On the left-hand side of the donation page, there's a spot where you can indicate that you're making your donation in someone's honor. Type in "Savage Love," put my e-mail address——in the space provided, and then send me your question in another e-mail along with the e-mail confirmation that No on Prop. 8 sent you after your donation cleared. The six biggest Savage Love donors get their letters in the October 16 and 23 installments of Savage Love. Everyone who makes a donation of $25 or more by October 16 gets a personal reply to their question from yours truly. The cutoff dates for donations that qualify for a letter in the column are October 9 for the October 16 column and October 16 for the October 23 column.

So, Cake Fart Fetishist, you've been badgering me with inane e-mails for years. This is your chance to finally get a letter in the column. You too, David in Brooklyn. Put up or shut up. But you don't have to be a stalker to participate. Got a good question and wanna help fight the good fight? Make a donation at, send me your letter along with your receipt, and you'll hear from me in print or privately.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 30 at 11:15 AM

Reaction to my advice for "Wanna Want More," the woman whose boyfriend wants it four times a week while she only wants it once a week, continues to pour in. I advised WWM to fuck the shit out of her boyfriend once a week and "keep him milked" two or three times a week—basically, take ten minutes three times a week to help him rub one out, thereby keeping his balls drained and him content, and who knows? Maybe her libido will kick into gear now and then during these low-stakes, get-him-off sessions. You can read the whole thing here. Four reader responses after the jump...

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

Monday, September 29, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 29 at 2:10 PM

I'm 21, good looking, sexually active and single woman. I have never had a boyfriend but I have many guy friends who tell me that I'm great. A friend called me an emotional virgin the other day and I'm really starting to be troubled by that. Is it that men don't want to date me or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me into trouble? What can I be doing to make myself appear/be more emotionally available? I fear that maybe it's just as simple as the vibes I'm putting off.


Hm. You don't give me much to work with here, JN. For instance, it would help to have an example or two of the kind of bullshit you've found yourself incapable of putting up with. Some bullshit is intolerable, of course, and everyone has deal breakers. But there's no such thing as a bullshit-free relationship. A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other's bullshit—day-in, day-out, year after year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and tangible (sex).

It comes down to this in the end, JN: If you can't put up with someone else's bullshit, JN, why on earth would they put up with yours?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 26 at 2:52 PM

I wrote to you a while ago—I'm the first letter in this column—about dealing with being out in a crappy little school, in a crappy little town. You helped a lot and I kept in mind much of what you said on bad days. I thought you might like an update: tomorrow I'm starting university—great course, big city, high queer population. I have officially escaped, and I'm just about to start that better life you talked about. (I would ask advice about making friends, but I already have this whole plan of look hot and be drunk, which is pretty comprehensive.) The icing on the cake is knowing most of the fuckers who made the last year so shitty screwed up their A levels or just plain don't have enough aspiration in them to even want to have any kind of interesting life. Actually no; that's a petty and vindictive and gets nowhere near my collegey goodness cake—thoughts like that are left behind as of tomorrow.

The important thing is that months after getting cast out, I'm finally able to fucking leave, and I couldn't be happier. I hope if I ever have cause to write to you again, it'll be about some sweaty kinky fun.

No Longer 'Tired And Losing It'

Thanks for the update, NLTALI, it made my day.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 25 at 4:36 PM

I'm a straight female. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 6 years, and then we broke up for a year. Now we're back together and the sex is better than ever; he's not nearly as inhibited as he used to be. He's also apparently developed some new kinks, which is great. But one of them confuses me: he wants to lick my armpit. Is this normal? I'd feel really self-conscious. Is this just some weird hangup on my part that I need to just get over? And if I do let him lick it, am I obligated to lick his armpit in return? I'm not sure I want to go there. Do any of your readers have experience with this? Pretty Unsure

An actual, honest-to-God "Savage Love" letter—but it came in about two weeks ago, not today. But how could I resist?

God alone knows what happened to your boyfriend during the year you were apart, PU. A sudden thing for armpits? Either your boyfriend was kidnapped and sold to gay pirates who in turn sold him to a gay brothel in Amsterdam where any number of unspeakably kinky things were done to him... or... your boyfriend suddenly realized that armpits are not, as deodorant commercials would have us believe, filthy little shitdivots teaming with germs and bacteria and other stankbugs. Instead, he somehow realized that armpit are an erogenous zone where crazy-making glands secrete crazy-making sex pheromones and that once a person gets over his or her advertising-induced psychosis about his armpits, there's pretty much nothing hotter than burying your face in the armpit of someone you love.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Savage Love Letters of the Day

posted by on September 24 at 10:56 AM

Three responses to this week's column.

You told WWM, the woman whose boyfriend wanted sex more often than she did, that she should "commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week."

I'm sure you'll get plenty of angry letters, so I won't bother going off on you; I'll just tell you that my first boyfriend basically had that idea, and I was young and trying to feel adventurous, so I went with it. My self-respect was trashed. I fucked around (with his blessing) and ruined a bunch of relationships that should have been just friends; looking back, while I know I can't blame my behavior on anyone else, I think a big reason was that I was having so much unsatisfying sex with him—emotionally as well as physically. He claimed to love me, then pulled shit like waiting till I fell asleep so he could fuck me in the ass—the one thing we rarely did otherwise, because as hard as I tried to be his sex toy, he did not do a good job at all of easing into it, and it hurt. Even when he wasn't doing such despicable shit, he acted like he owned my body, and I put up with it, because I accepted that role for myself.

Now, granted, my ex was a deluded creep with no social skills, but I don't see any difference between the way he treated me and what you're advising for WWM and her boyfriend. He can masturbate; if his hand isn't good enough he can hit up the local sex toy shop. If she wants to increase her libido somehow, more power to her, but advising her to have sex that isn't physically satisfying to her won't do anyone any good; it's even worse than the twice-a-week compromise. No one's satisfied. I am all for being GGG and satisfying your partner and having lots of sex, but it should be good sex. Having crappy sex will just cheapen it, and taking on the role of "masturbatory aide" will just humiliate her. I assume her boyfriend isn't physically disabled, and knows how to get himself off. There's no reason she needs to do it for him.

Nobody's Right Hand

I don't see the connection between your ex-boyfriend's behavior and my suggestion that WWM help her boyfriend out now and then when he's horny. Allowing a partner to nuzzle your breasts or crotch while he has a wank in no way compares to fucking someone in the ass while she's asleep.

But you're correct, NRH, when you insist that my suggestion for WWM and her boyfriend would amount to "unsatisfying sex." Taking ten minutes to rub one out would be unsatisfying sex—if it were sex, which it's not. It's masturbation—that's what I called it, NRH, and that's what it is. And having a wank in the arms/under the ass/at the knees of an indulgent, upbeat, not-into-it-now-but-generally-into-you boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever is perfectly satisfying masturbation, as masturbation goes.

And helping someone out under those circumstances—he's horny, you're not—can be a loving, giving thing to do, not a demeaning, self-negating thing to do.

Look, I'm sorry you had a shitty boyfriend, and I wish you nothing but good, decent, respectful sex partners in the future. But you're comparing loving, indulgent apples to abusive, obnoxious oranges here, NRH.

Your response to WWM was good, although you might have let her off a little too easy. First off, the best response to a SO asking nicely for more sex is not to cry. She obviously sees this as something important, and yet every time she makes sure that he feels bad about asking. And I would have been more forceful on the patience aspect for both of them. After 10 years of wondering whether marriage meant once-a-month sex, my wife hit 31 and now she’s the one begging me for sex day and night. Finally Fulfilled

Like I said to WWM in my response: "If you've been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you're using isn't decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is the way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual peak—and find some middle ground."

I've heard from lots of women over the years who had low libidos and no kinks to speak of in their teens and early 20s. Then they hit 30 and all hell breaks loose. (Good hell!) Tragically, many of these same women rejected—ran screaming from—guys they liked, guys they dug, guys they seriously thought about marrying... when they discovered their guy had some boring, run-of-the-mill kink. But instead of staying with and indulging the perfectly nice foot fetishist—or the totally hot cross-dresser or the freakishly considerate bondage freak—who would so totally owe 'em now, these woman opted instead to find the dullest, most vanilla guys they could and marry them. Tragic.

I have noticed a number of emails (from women mostly) addressing libido issues. They seem to fall into two distinct categories—women in their 20s whose libido is less than that of their male partner and women in their 30s whose libido is greater than that of their male partners. It's no secret that (generally speaking) men and women peak sexually at different ages.

My experience is no different. As a male, from about ages 10 to 30 I was ready, willing and able to perform sexually at the drop of a hat. The women in my life? Not so much. Now in my mid-30s, I still enjoy sex but it's clear the shoe is definitely on the other foot. I know there are physiological and psychological reasons for this, but I can't help thinking (with smug satisfaction) this is a sort of biological revenge for the blue balls men like me were forced to endure during our sexual prime.

Your thoughts?


It's just God's way of letting us know that straight women in their early 30s and 40s are supposed to sleep with straight boys in their late teens and early 20s and that straight men in their 30s and 40s are supposed to fuck straight girls in their late teens and early 20s.

It's either that, Pete, or God just likes gay couples—who always in sexual synch (so long as we're close in age)—way better than He likes straight couples.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 23 at 12:26 PM

I'm a 20 year old bisexual female. I like having my sexual partners tie me up and beat me. However, I have a physical coming up in a couple of months. I'm worried that the bruises may bring up questions with my doctor, and she'll believe I'm being abused, despite it being consensual. Should I own up to my doctor and tell her I'm engaging in consensual, safe, BDSM practices, or should I hold off on getting beat for a few weeks before my physical and not bring up the topic?

Very Kinky Girl

I guess it comes down to what you dread more, VKG: going without those beatings for a couple of weeks or coming out to your doctor about your kinks.

You might also want to consider finding a kink-friendly doctor. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom maintains a list of "kink-aware professionals," including doctors, psychologists, lawyers, counselors, etc.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 22 at 1:48 PM

Letter of the day? It's more like a dialogue—or an extremely lengthy email exchange—and since it's pretty epic, most appears after the jump. And BA will see this post, so feel free to offer your own advice in comments.

We spoke briefly about my husband's crossdressing and diaper fetish some time ago (Diaper Pals, Feb 8, 2007). After about a year and alot of work we found a "happy medium" and things toddled along fairly well for awhile. But now I'm pregnant (late first trimester) and every time he slides those nappies on I feel this overwhelming urge to throw something at him. I don't want sex at all, must less the time-consuming extravaganza satisfying his fetish regularly requires. I just want to sleep, literally, all the time.

When I tried to delicately bring this up, he pointed out some of the "finer print" on the agreement we worked out between us, where I promised him a set number of hours a week in exchange for him not masturbating himself to the point where he doesn't want to perform with me on "my days" (one of the issues we had). Obviously this is a situation where we need to renegotiate our deal—I am perfectly fine with him masturbating himself raw all he wants, in whatever clothing makes him happy, so long as he does it away from me as the rubbing plastic sounds grate on my nerves for some stupid reason.

I've brought this up, but he's reluctant to work with me on this. He feels betrayed that I don't want to participate anymore, despite our deal, and even further betrayed that (when he switches to his other fetish, crossdressing) I don't find him attractive at all. One girly moan and I'm, quite literally, nauseated. I know I'm not being GGG here, but the mere thought of six more months of his claiming that I "already love the baby more than him" and saying that, if it's a girl he "just knows he'll be jealous" is really starting to wear me out. I'm a wreck all the time, I can't keep a damn thing down, and I'm sick to death of his (what I consider to be) goddamn selfish attitude! We agreed on starting our family together!

Why in the hell is he acting like this NOW when it's too late to back out?!

I need advice, pointers, something... ANYTHING to say to him. I know this can be figured out but I can't wrap my head around how. I just can't handle this by myself anymore!

Beyond Annoyed

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

Friday, September 19, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 19 at 3:55 PM

You've gotta clear up some erroneous shit, por favor. I've got a buddy who's got a buddy who has a girl who says that she comes—she has a goddamn orgasm—just from sucking dick. Like, she sucks his dick, and she climaxes as a result. That shit can't happen, right? Right? RIGHT?

Looks Infinitely Exaggerated, Sir

It's never happened to me, LIES, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. (I mean, cunnilingus has never happened to me either.) Sex advice professionals are always saying that the biggest sex organ is the brain, of course, and I suppose it's possible that this woman is so turned on by sucking dick that her great big sex organ overwhelms her lesser sex organs and she somehow climaxes without touching herself.

But how does that Occam's Razor thing go again? Oh, right: "All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best." Or as I've often put: the likeliest and most obvious answer is usually the right answer. And it seems likelier that this guy is either a braggart out to make his friends jealous—"My girl gets off just sucking me, man, I don't even have to touch her!"—or that his girlfriend brings just as much gusto to servicing his ego as she does to servicing his cock.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 18 at 2:56 PM

Hmmm, written before but perhaps my concern is either too weird or not weird enough.

Since my husand and I have been together he has never comforted me when I am emotional and cry. I would go to him for a hug and comfort but he always refused. After years of being hurt by this I finally confronted him for an honest answer. He said that when I cry he gets an erection, and immediatly feels like a sexual freak and so keeps me at a distance.

Any way we can deal with this other than ignoring it and me never getting comfort? We are really at a loss.

Help Us Hug

P.S. We have a great frequent sex.

Hey, this is weird: I get erections in cabs, pretty much for no reason, and it makes me feel like a sexual freak.

But I still get in cabs.

Since you know he gets erections that he can't help when you get emotional, tell him that you're not going to hold those erections against him. Swear you won't resent him for getting hard. Then tell him, however, that you do resent him for withholding physical affection when you need it most.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 17 at 1:20 PM

So I was really horny today and seriously had a really long shitty week and I needed some release. I hooked with a guy around my age who seem cute in his pictures. We've chatted for a while and always talked about meeting. But he wasn't that cute in person, he had cheesy contact lenses, bad tattoos, and he was not in shape as it seemed in the picture, he had stretch marks and scars, didn't have good skin, and he kept on chewing gum the whole time.


So I sucked this guy's dick and I let him fuck me. He wanted to cum in my face and I said no, no, no. So at least I didn't let that happen. This guy lives pretty far from me so hopefully I won't see him again because I'll be embarrassed if people knew I had sex with him. I'm feeling gross at the moment. I did it because I was desperate but now I'm dealing with the after effects. Any word of wisdom? Or anything to make me feel better? Should I just ignore him if I see him again?

Slept With A Gross Guy

Don't ignore him if you see him again. As a general rule, SWAGG, we should strive to be polite—at the very least—to people whose genitals we've taken into our mouths. So say hello if you run into him again, be nice but not overly friendly, don't engage with him, and if anyone should ask how you know the gross guy with the cheesy contact lenses and bad skin, just say, "Boyfriend of an ex."

Moving on: Never go through with casual sex out for fear of hurting someone's feelings. (Sex in relationships, well, that's a different story.) When you got to this guy's house and discovered that you weren't that into him, as the saying goes, you could've and should've excused yourself. All you had to say was, "I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling it." And then go.

How to feel better about yourself? Sadly you can't un-have this experience, but you make up your mind to learn from it and resolve never to put yourself in this position again. First, and again, don't go through with a sexual encounter after you've realized you're not into it. When that happens, make an excuse, any excuse, be nice, be polite, be direct. But make your excuses and get out. Also, kiddo, ANAL SEX IS NOT A FIRST DATE ACTIVITY. Period. Ever. And I hope you were using condoms.

And don't run out and have sex when you're feeling shitty. Stay home and beat off when you're feeling shitty.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 16 at 9:05 AM

A couple of reactions to my column about Sarah Palin...

I am a straight 40 something Republican who enjoys reading your column. I never would have learned about things like pegging, donkey punching, or a myriad of other things if it wasn't for your enlightening columns. However, I grow tired of you tirades against the GOP. Can't you just stick with the kinky sex columns? Maybe you can start a political column? Then at least we know what we are in for.

Your most recent column wasted half of your space just because you wanted to go off on Sarah Palin. You could have spent that time actually helping someone instead. How about it, a nice non-partison sex column?

Republican Who Reads Savage Love

Why can't GOP politicians stick to politics? Why must they legislate about sex? GOP politicians are clearly obsessed about sex—kinky and otherwise—so maybe they should all get kinky sex columns? But until that day comes, RWRSL, I'm going to keep going after the GOP from my platform. Because, you see, the GOP keeps going after our sex lives in their party platforms.

Once again I am amazed by the need for people such as yourself to interject your political views in a piece that clearly is not political in nature. The reason why so many people are getting so turned off by today's newspapers and press is because of such bias. We read columns such as yours for entertainment not for you political opinions.

But because you brought the subject up, you suggest that the choice of what to do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy should be left up to the teenager. A teenager who has not the wisdom, knowledge or life experience to fully understand the ramification of those decisions. I speak from experience. I had an abortion when I was 16 years old. I did not even question whether or not it was the right choice back then. I just reacted. It has been the "CHOICE" that has plagued me since. No one ever seems to mention the consequences that women experience after they choose an abortion. I have spoken to many, many other women who have made that similar "CHOICE" and have the same guilt and deep regret, especially now that we are parents and fully understand and appreciate the beauty of the life that grew within us. I have met many women who regret the "CHOICE" for an abortion that they made, I have yet to meet any who regret the decision that they made to keep their child.


I'm sorry you regret the choice you made. I strongly support make all possible options—all choices—available to women who find themselves pregnant. Adoption, abortion, and the resources and support necessary for women who want to go forward with an unplanned pregnancy and keep the baby.

Women that choose abortion under duress—financial or emotional duress—or choose abortion impulsively or in ignorance of their other options are, of course, very likely to regret the decision that they made. But to then seek to deny other women the right to make the same "mistake" is, i believe, the wrong response. You should want to make sure all young women are educated about all their options—in particular about open adoption, which allows a woman to stay involved in her child's life without having to assume the responsibilities of full-time parenting—rather than seek to ban abortion. Even if abortion is illegal, women will still "choose" abortion. They'll just get unsafe, illegal abortions—potentially fatal abortions.

I have spoken to many, many women that have had abortions and do not regret the choice that they made. I am, however, sorry for your pain.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 12 at 4:11 PM


I can't actually share today's "Savage Love Letter of the Day" with you, dear readers, because the boy who wrote it asked me not to print his letter. He wanted private and confidential advice lest his boyfriend spot the letter—and their business—in my column. Now normally those requests annoy the crap out of me. But the author of the letter writer was kind enough to include a photo of his pretty spectacular ass and all was forgiven. Click on the image above for the full and—does it even need to be said?—NSFW shot.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 11 at 11:20 AM

In response to this week's column...

I just read your column this week and it's great that you took up such an issue. One quibble, though: What of self-reliance? Given that this boy is at least 18, it would seem that he could have a large hand in his life rebuilding, should his parents follow through with their threats. Having his boyfriend help in is certainly in order, but not to the extent that the boy should make such important decisions as moving in or, gasp, marriage solely because the 'rents are halting the gravy train. Sure, put him up for a while. Sure, help him figure out student loans. Sure, give him some walking around money. Certainly give him emotional and moral support as he goes through what will no doubt be one of the most painful times of his life. But while he's at it, why not help him find an apartment or a job? However young, this boy is a man now and he'll need to figure out how to be a responsible one, no matter now quickly he is forced to do so.

I suppose it just seems to me that his leaving one situation where he's totally dependent on others for another such situation could do more harm than good in the long run, especially where his and his boyfriend's relationship is concerned. All this, I think, would also apply to any other person being forced to grow up really quickly.

Also, I think the biggest service his boyfriend could offer him is to keep and eye on him. It is too easy to become self-pitying when you're cast out. It's too easy to get caught up in the less-than-stellar trappings of gay life when you suddenly have unlimited freedom and no oversight. If I didn't have a strong group of middle-aged gay men (none of whom I was sleeping with) teaching me how to be a responsible gay adult, I can't say that I would have ended up as stable as I am now. God knows I dabbled in some shady business as a young man, but I had good, trustworthy adults to snap me back in line should I venture too far. I truly think that this is what this guy needs more than anything.


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 2 at 6:17 AM

PLEASE hit us with a column about evangelical, abstinence-only, anti-gay marriage, anti-choice Gov. Palin. America needs you, Dan! Not a column about her teenage daughter's pregnancy, just a column about how hypocritical it is that politicians parade their families when it flatters them, and demand privacy when it doesn't. A column about how any time a conservative pol's behavior differs from his or her vaunted values, it's a "private (DUI, lesbian daughter, bathroom blow-job, draft-dodging) matter." Of course ordinary people don't have private lives, so they need the government to tell them when to have babies and whom to love and marry. Only public people have private lives...

Dan I LOVE you (not in that way, I'm a girl.) Get to work!

VT in Texas

P.S. If this email makes me look classy, it's public; but if, later on down the road, it makes me look silly, it's private. You understand.

Will do, VTIT.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on August 29 at 2:09 PM

You've helped before, so I'm putting before you the doozy of a problem that's cropped up recently in my love life—in my life in general, actually:

I'm a middle-aged guy, and my boyfriend has just left his teens. We originally got to know each other because I like to tie up muscular young guys and he's a muscular young guy who likes getting tied up. But he's a smart, funny, original kid, and after a few months, we started actually LIKING each other. Not to get all mushy on you, but at some point that like turned to love. We still get off like crazy on the bondage and the sex, but my point is, there's a lot more going on than just that these days.

Here's the problem: His narrow-minded, homophobic parents (who are a little younger than I am), were snooping around in his room and found video clips on his computer that pretty clearly illustrate his interests. He still lives with his parents who were, before this, entirely ignorant of their son's sexual orientation or activities with me. They're now threatening all the things asshole/bully parents usually threaten: to kick him out, to stop paying for his school, and to disown him.

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on August 28 at 11:21 AM

My husband has decided NOT to vote for the Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama which is the first time in his life he is not voting for a Democrat. I am stumped, flumoxxed, flabbergasted, shocked, disappointed and more. My question is, what can I do? Should I withhold sex until the election is over? Propose a little election day bondage and leave him handcuffed to the headboard for the day? HELP!

Dreaming Of Obama

Instead of telling your husband that you're gonna cut him off until after the election, DOO, tell him that you'll have plenty of sex with him between now and the election—but that you'll be wearing a Ruth Bader Ginsberg mask every time. Why do that? Because you want your husband think about the Supreme Fucking Court while he's fucking you, and the damage that two or three more Bush/McCain appointees will do to our democracy should McCain wind up winning the fucking election.

And if your husband votes for McCain and McCain wins the election, warn your husband that you'll be wearing a John Paul Stevens mask to bed every night for the duration of the McCain administration.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on August 27 at 3:20 PM

A reader responds to something I wrote in the current "Savage Love":

I've been reading your column for over a decade and this is the first time I've disagreed with your opinion enough to write in. No offense, but this is where the generational gap kicks in and you start showing your age.

What happens on the Internet, unfortunately, DOESN'T stay on the Internet. It would be nice if it did, but it's way too late for that now. Google saves everything that happens on massive computers so even something that is only posted for a few days, then removed, will be indexed and cached FOREVER. That means, if these videos of the boys wanking it is ever attached to their names, it'll be one of the first things that comes up when people Google them.

Continue reading "Savage Love Letter of the Day" »

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on August 26 at 1:50 PM

Since I was 15 or so I've filled the tub up with nice warm water and took a dump in the bath water. I found (and still do) that the nice warm water loosens up my muscles and allows me to really clean myself out. It's not uncommon for me to do this for over an hour. I don't beat off while I'm in there, or do anything sexual with it. Generally, once I'm done I clean out the tub and wash my hands/body.

Is this a normal thing associated with scat or what? I have a boyfriend of 4 years, who has a pretty good idea that I do this, although we've never really talked about it. However, I don't think he realizes the extent that I do this. I don't want him involved in the act, and I would never want to see or touch his. In fact, in the cases where I do see it/smell it (being a gay male it's bound to turn up occasionally) I'm turned off and disgusted by the smell. We've bought a house together, and will be moving in together in the next two months. Once we're together I'm afraid he'll figure it out. So I really think I need to tell him before he moves in.

The only problem is I have no idea why I do this, or why I can't stop doing it. I feel like I need to give him some reason why, sexual or not, that I do this. Have you ever heard of anything like this? Is this scat, or is it just a gross habit that is not sexual in any way?

I'm curious to hear your insight.

Scat Or Some Other Thing

Sounds like some other thing to me—some other really fucked up thing, SOSOT, some other thing that you might want to think about breaking yourself of someday.

Or not.

Disgusting as this is—and it is disgusting (and here's hoping you're really scrubbing the tub when you're done)—you're not really hurting anyone, or yourself. Should you inform your boyfriend? Well, gee. It sounds like he might already know. But by telling him, by going on the record with this in a official way, you may make him feel obligated to object to each and every bath you take, regardless of whether or not it's a shit bath you're taking, because that's his tub too. There's a chance he might prefer to go on turning a blind eye, pretending that he doesn't know what he does, in fact, know. So it's kind of a toss up, SOSOT.

And, no, if you're not beating off or getting a sexual thrill from this, it's not "a normal thing" associated with scat, which itself isn't much of a normal thing.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on August 25 at 2:30 PM

I love your column and respect you for telling it like it is, but in your August 14 column you were wrong in crediting a quote to Barack Obama. In your response to MOWO, you said "Or if I may paraphrase Barack Obama: Straight men? Sometimes you gotta be the change that you seek."

Dan, please..... Barack Obama???? It was Mahatma Gandi who said "Be the change that you want to see in the world." Give credit where credit is due.


Damn. I'm always getting those two confused. Perhaps I was misremembering Barack's "We are the ones we've been waiting for," which paraphrased in "Savage Love" would turn into something like, "We are the ones we've been waiting Foreskin Quarterly." Or something.

Anyway, thanks for the catch, SD.