Saturday, April 27, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Goodie Bag

Posted by on Sat, Apr 27, 2013 at 2:04 PM

Originally published May 12, 2005:

I am a white, 21-year-old lesbian girl. My mom thought my room was too messy recently and went in to clean it. She found my "goodie bag," and it contains some pretty darn good goodies. Pot, pipes, a leather harness, assorted vibrators, etc. It also contained my stash of big-black-cock-on-teenage-white-girl DVDs. I may have made peace long ago with my odd fetish (nothing illegal, no one underage), but my mother was scandalized. She has loved me for many years as her lesbian daughter and this was too much for her to take. She says she "doesn't know me anymore." How do I deal with my mother?

Lesbian Utterly Stumped Today

My response after the jump...

How do you deal with your mom, LUST? First you say, "Jesus Christ, mom! Stay the fuck out of my room!" She wasn't dusting the inside of your goodie bag, LUST, she was snooping, and I've got a message for your mom and all other snoopers out there: When a snooper learns something disturbing about a snoopee, the snooper has only herself to blame. If your mom absolutely insists on discussing your taste in pornography, assure her that a significant percentage of lesbians enjoy watching hetero porn, and 100 percent of lesbians absolutely hate discussing the subject with their mothers. If she presses you on the subject, start asking her intrusive, inappropriate questions about her sexual tastes.

And finally, LUST, you're not a child. You're a big grownup dyke who's into big-black-cock-on-little-legal-white-girl porn. Maybe it's time to move yourself, your goodie bag, and your DVD collection out of your mother's house.


Comments (55) RSS

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Pope Peabrain 1
If I lived with my mother, I would pretty expect her to snoop. She has a right to know what's going on in her home
Especially with illegal drugs. Dan is being generous.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on April 27, 2013 at 2:22 PM · Report this
lolorhone 2
I was confused until I went back and read "21 year-old lesbian girl." Your mom's a nosey dick, save up and move out. Oh, and spread out the location of the goodies so if someone's snooping in your new place, they don't hit the motherlode.
Posted by lolorhone on April 27, 2013 at 2:25 PM · Report this
Was she scandalized by the pot or the porn or both? Oh and why does the LW have porn D-V-D'S? I appreciate she buys them but why not just use a porn tube on the internet there's plenty of big black cock action on there without leaving physical evidence.

I do agree with 1 though, pot is a legitimate deal breaker especially considering it's still illegal, sorta in most states. The mother has every right to be worried about that part and the LW is lucky she hasn't been kicked out of the house.

I think the mom is gonna get over it eventually. If it is a problem 21 or even 25 is not that old to still live with parents especially in this economy and certain cultures.
Posted by arachnar on April 27, 2013 at 2:47 PM · Report this
@3 - Notice this was 2005 when porn DVDs might have been somewhat more common....
Posted by Faber on April 27, 2013 at 2:53 PM · Report this

"Originally published May 12, 2005:"

Posted by giffy on April 27, 2013 at 2:56 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 6
Who still lives at home at 21?
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 27, 2013 at 3:05 PM · Report this
zivilisierter Wurm 7
@6 google "boomerang generation". It's a shitty job market gramps.
Posted by zivilisierter Wurm on April 27, 2013 at 3:16 PM · Report this
Herb is legal. Mom sounds like a teabagger right wing bitch.
Posted by S T on April 27, 2013 at 3:19 PM · Report this
zivilisierter Wurm 9
Interestingly, America is actually a bit of an outlier in the expectation of "when you're 18, you're outta the house!" In Germany (and much of Europe) it's fairly common for people in their 20s to live at home.
Posted by zivilisierter Wurm on April 27, 2013 at 3:20 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 10
@9 Do their parents snoop?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on April 27, 2013 at 3:26 PM · Report this
very bad homo 11
When I was an 18 year old at home, I had a little metal box that had a lock on it, which housed my 2 or 3 porn mags and (ahem) VHS tapes.
Posted by very bad homo on April 27, 2013 at 3:29 PM · Report this
Cory 12
Honest question, why would lesbians be interested in watching straight porn?
Posted by Cory on April 27, 2013 at 3:39 PM · Report this
@12: Honest question, why would straight guys be interested in watching lesbian porn?
Posted by treehugger on April 27, 2013 at 3:41 PM · Report this
mikethehammer 14
21 year-old lesbian pot-head with a stash of big black cock on teenage white girl porn. What's the puritanical troll got to say of all this mayhem?!?
Posted by mikethehammer on April 27, 2013 at 4:06 PM · Report this
@13, well said.

Of of the good things about porn is that is fantasy. No smells, tastes, the reality of dealing with actual people or creating actual situations that are difficult. One click of the mouse and you're back to reality. I understand that somebody would watch something that in real life they wouldn't actually do. I find public sex in broad daylight with a very strong possibility of being caught interesting. I would NEVER do it under these circumstances. In my real life I have had sex in public, but it very dark with a very unlikely chance of being discovered (except by like minded people).
Posted by JJinAus on April 27, 2013 at 4:08 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 16
oh, 8 years ago, you seem like another world now.
Posted by Max Solomon on April 27, 2013 at 4:16 PM · Report this
at this point, there is only one question to ask: Did or did the letter writer not ditch the chicks, make the switch, and marry some big-dicked black guy?
Posted by Unbrainwashed on April 27, 2013 at 4:29 PM · Report this
Cory 18
@13 It's a double turn on...

So what I'm understanding is that lesbians enjoy the situation and not the man? If so, would lesbians rather watch porn in which it's a woman taking the dominant partner's role?

It's confusing to me, because it suggests at least a little bit of interest in men if you watch this kind of porn.
Posted by Cory on April 27, 2013 at 4:31 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 19
7 dear, it was a "shitty" job market when I graduated college back in the Bronze Age. That's just an excuse - and it was especially an excuse in 2005.

I hit 18, I went to college. College was done, I moved to Minneapolis, then Seattle. I lived in ratholes with weird roommates, and ate a lot of ramen, and had stupid jobs (sometimes two or three at a time), but there was *no way* I was going back home. I loved my parents, but I wanted my own life. There was no way I could have had any sort of sex life living with my folks.

Besides, When it's their house, and especially if you aren't paying rent or have a lease (which the letter writer doesn't say) it's their right to snoop. Bawl all you want at the unfairness of life, but that's how it works.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 27, 2013 at 4:36 PM · Report this
zivilisierter Wurm 20
@19: Uh huh. And just how much was college tuition back in the Bronze Age, when you could buy ice cream and ride the trolly for a nickle? I'm guessing you didn't graduate with 10-30k in student loans. The UW was $800/year in the 70s - it's over $10,000 now.
Posted by zivilisierter Wurm on April 27, 2013 at 4:59 PM · Report this
biju 21
Moral of the story, clean up yet room.
Posted by biju on April 27, 2013 at 5:02 PM · Report this
Fred Casely 22
@20: Not only was our tuition more affordable -- they taught us how to spell words like "trolley" and "nickel."
Posted by Fred Casely on April 27, 2013 at 5:14 PM · Report this
Sati 23
Some people like living at home. Although after this, LW probably isn't one of them. And some people aren't overly keen but do it because it's the better of a bunch of lousy options. Like those of us with a disability (me) or a sick single parent who can no longer take care of themselves (also me) or who are trying to save for a down payment on a house (several friends) or who are back in school after years of working (Man Who Is Not My Boyfriend). There are a whole bunch of reasons why a 21-year-old - or, for that matter, a nearly-30-year-old - might be living at home.

My mom often did the cleaning up after me thing, before I got OCD and started keeping everything tidy, so you have my sympathy, LW. She was kind of a strange mom though. I don't think she'd have cared about pot or sex toys, even when I was a teen, but we had a couple knock-down-drag-outs about the type of literature I was reading.

No advice from me, except to echo what Dan and previous posters said. Cut her some slack on the pot thing, since it's not (or wasn't in 2005) legal, not to mention the fact that the smell is murder to get out of the upholstery. :) (I intended that to be tongue-in-cheek, but it's true that when my niece brings it over my mom spends the next few weeks bitching about the smell, so it usually works out not to be worth it.) Explain that porn is fantasy and fantasy is not reality, and you're still the daughter she knows. Tell her that you're safe and happy, since parents always need to hear that stuff. No clue what to say about the sex toys and harness, I'd probably just leave them out of the conversation.

And yeah, she was snooping. I'd invest in a lockable chest or cabinet, just to be safe. Sure, you could say, why should you have to lock your things up, etc, and you'd probably be right, but I find it's not a battle I want to bother with. My dozen or so toys live in the bedside cabinet, along with all the other stuff I prefer not to have to explain - religious paraphernalia, Cheetos, medications, chocolate, Anonymous mask, trashy Harlequin novels, Pokémon books, naked photos, receipts for too many pairs of shoes...
Posted by Sati on April 27, 2013 at 5:29 PM · Report this
Oh duh, didn't see that it was 2005. I hope she's moved out by now.
Posted by arachnar on April 27, 2013 at 5:37 PM · Report this
@19 Having a 'right' to snoop doesn't make it right.

Barring evidence or serious suspicion of definitely dangerous shit going down (like major depression, explosives, guns. or methamphetamine manufacturing or use), a parent who has an adult child living under their roof is being courteous, respectful, and wise to NOT indulge their theoretical 'right' to snoop.

Especially if that parent is at all prone to being traumatized or even bent out of shape by things as harmless and ordinary as pot, sex toys and legal porn.

But Dan was right about moving out--if it is feasible, it really is for the best for most 21-year-olds.
Posted by Functional Atheist on April 27, 2013 at 5:43 PM · Report this
You know damn well her mom had been nagging her for months to get a job and an apartment, and for weeks to clean her own damn room.

You force me to clean up after your skanky ass? I'm going to find a few yuks to make it worth my while.
Posted by Go 'way, 'batin' on April 27, 2013 at 5:56 PM · Report this
@18. Women and men seem to have different porn viewing habits. Specifically, those habits correlate less to the sex women want to have in the real world. In some cases, at least. Can't speak for all women.

And "lesbian" porn is so often so unrealistic that actual lesbians find it unwatchable. Super fake simulations of things are at the core of your own erotic life are depressing. Understandably, straight guys wouldn't be privy to that level of analysis, but I'll leave that pun alone.

(And porn made by and for lesbians is often too..... political? I don't know. It feels like a graduate thesis sometimes.)

It's easier to completely detach and enjoy if there's no correlation to something that makes you emotionally vulnerable, which is the role lesbian sex plays in the lives of lesbians.

Also straight porn features a woman. And I for one grew up eroticizing women in straight sexual situations b/c I could hold on to a tiny shred of hope that I was actually straight (I wasn't).

Interestingly, I don't know that these same patterns apply to written erotica, which is also something women seem way more into than men.
Posted by LRH21 on April 27, 2013 at 6:11 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 28
"having a 'right' to snoop doesn't make it right"

Yes, dear. But just because it's not "right" that doesn't mean it's not legal. When someone else is paying the bills, you pretty much have to dance to their tune.

I'm not unsympathetic to the letter writer. Mother was a bore and a snoop. But it's her house.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 27, 2013 at 6:13 PM · Report this
rob! 29
@11 *ahem* at some point in my late teens or early twenties, one of the biggest decisions I had to make was whether to split the cost of an 8mm film projector and a stack of porn cartridges with a friend for $160 or so, if memory serves.

VCRs had been invented, but the VHS-versus-Betamax format war was still going full-tilt, and in any case porn wasn't available at all on videotape yet.

Fortunately, I decided to use my money for other things and play the movies I preferred inside my closed eyelids (I wasn't out yet either).
Posted by rob! on April 27, 2013 at 7:06 PM · Report this
zivilisierter Wurm 30
@22: my bust G - I went from German to English at an age when my spelling nodes were vulnerable as a baby's skull. I hope the meaning of the "sentence" was still "comprehensible" though.
Posted by zivilisierter Wurm on April 27, 2013 at 7:13 PM · Report this
I'm a mom, and yeah, the first time you find porn in a kid's room, it's a shock, especially if it's not the kind of porn you'd expect. I can certainly see mom being a little disturbed and uncomfortable about this.

What I can't see is mom then talking to daughter about it. The pot, maybe, depends on the laws where they are, whether mom smokes herself, blah blah. But the porn and toys? I'd just pretend I hadn't noticed.
Posted by agony on April 27, 2013 at 8:06 PM · Report this
persimmon 32
I understand parents snooping--but unless you discover something *serious* and potentially dangerous (heroin, roofies, an AK-47, soda over 16 ounces), there's no need to bring it up.
Posted by persimmon on April 27, 2013 at 8:58 PM · Report this
Just be glad she didn't take you to court.
Posted by StopKing on April 27, 2013 at 11:03 PM · Report this
Dr. Z 34
@18: not necessarily. I watch the occasional bisexual porn, not because I'm interested in the woman (no offense) but because I'm interested in watching theoretically-straight guys become older and wiser, shall we say. For me, the woman is necessary to the scene to provide legimacy to the "straight" guy fantasy. LUST may be attracted to a certain kind of theor girl.

Apart from that, I'm with 25.
Posted by Dr. Z on April 28, 2013 at 2:30 AM · Report this
Dr. Z 35
@18: not necessarily, the guy could be immaterial. Maybe she's interested in theoretically-straight teen girls become older and wiser, shall we say. The guy may only be there to add authenticity to the fantasy.

Other than that I'm with 25 on this one.
Posted by Dr. Z on April 28, 2013 at 2:38 AM · Report this
seandr 36
@18: Lesbians like men in their porn for the same reason that straight guys do.
Posted by seandr on April 28, 2013 at 8:16 AM · Report this
I have to chime in on the discussion re: a 21-year old living at home. (And just so you know... I moved not only out of my parents' house but to a different COUNTRY when I was 18)

Americans in general seem to have an near obsession with the idea that for every person in every situation its the ideal to move as far away as possible the minute you graduate high school. I suppose its kind of tied into the value we attach to independance and upward mobility. But in a lot of the world, its not weird for people in their late teens or twenties to live at home, for a lot of reasons, and theres no stigma attached.

I feel like theres this rush- especially in places like comment threads on the internet- for people to pile on at the mention of a 20-something living with their family- but really, its pretty judgemental and lazy at its core. There are a lot of reasons- financial, medical, professional, psychological, social- that would cause people to make such a living arrangement, and I dont think someone should by default be expected to be bashful or ashamed about living in the same house as their parents.
Posted by Actionsquid on April 28, 2013 at 10:57 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 38
@37 I believe you make a valid point.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on April 28, 2013 at 11:51 AM · Report this
LW was 21. She was likely a college student. Maybe she couldn't afford to move out of her parents' house while paying for school. Though at my age, most people I know are either out of their parents' house or desperately trying to get out, almost no one I know pick up and left their parents' home immediately after graduating high school. Those who didn't pursue higher education took some time to get a job that could support them, and those who did moved out either when they had their degree and a job, or effectively moved out when they were an upperclassman no longer living on campus with a lease and housing for the summer.
Posted by CorporateCake on April 28, 2013 at 12:32 PM · Report this
Thanks 37, that's what I think too. There are some parents, that for whatever poorly thought out reason, think it's necessary to kick their kids out of the house at 18. My parents are from former Yugoslavia and want us to stay with them as long as possible as long as we're progressing in school and work we're fine. I'd hate to be paying hundreds of dollars in rent every month and have parents that live only a few miles away. I could see moving out early being beneficial to a gay kid with jesus-freak parents or a bad family situation, etc, just needing to be in the real world.
Posted by arachnar on April 28, 2013 at 12:40 PM · Report this
I'm all for snooping. I'm also all for keeping your big mouth shut when you don't find anything worth bringing up.

I believe the west coast etiquette is to pretend you didn't see anything. If the guest in your house has done absolutely nothing to hide their drugs and porn, you're supposed to gently enforce boundaries by making it obvious you saw the drugs and porn, but never ever bring it up in person.

Always have a gentle lie on hand in case the porn / drug / rude guest insists on rubbing their porn / drugs in your face.

"I'm sorry daughter. I just assumed you were holding onto that stuff for a friend. Do try to be more discrete in the future."

If your rude and boundary-ignorant guest continues to press the issue, politely make them uncomfortable.

"I've always been fascinated by black cock. Would you like me to pop some popcorn so we can watch this together?" or "Honey, your dad has always wanted me to fuck him with a big black cock. Can I borrow yours? I promise I'll clean it."

The goal is to remain silently superior to the etiquette-violator while never making them feel uncomfortable for their obvious violation.

Oh, and to talk a bunch of trash about them when they aren't around. This is key to reinforcing societal norms.
Posted by six shooter on April 28, 2013 at 1:03 PM · Report this
@29 -- Fortunately?

Listen... any time you have the chance to buy porn at a cheap price on a medium that will soon lose market dominance, BUY IT.

Do you have any idea how much 1950s Playboys are worth right now? There are some 70s porn mags worth far more than they were new plus the expense of trucking that shit around with you for years.

You, my cheap, closeted friend, made the wrong decision.
Posted by six shooter on April 28, 2013 at 1:06 PM · Report this
@18: Basically, there's something about the big-black-cock-little-white-girl phenomenon that really, really turns on the letter writer. Since she's a lesbian, I'm assuming it isn't attraction to men with big black cocks. She might be imagining herself in the black guy role, but she might be turned on by something that is ubiquitous in this kind of porn but is actually incidental to the acts.

My favorite porno is of an activity that I actually hate. It's a lesbian fem-dom centered around anal. I hate anal. But the video turns my crank because the dom talks to the submissive the way I like to be talked to when I have sex. She has the sexiest voice and she says the sexiest things and she looks extremely hot doing what she's doing. I just imagine her doing not-anal things to me. I think for many people, the visual isn't the entire point.

And honestly, seandr said something that's very true: there are definitely white guys who watch the big black cock little white girl porn that the letter writer is into- they're probably getting similar things out of it, since it's not a dynamic that they can work for reals.
Posted by alguna_rubia on April 28, 2013 at 1:58 PM · Report this
attitude devant 44
To my mind, the best disquisition on lesbian choices in porn is delivered by Julianne Moore in The Kids are All Right." Worth renting just to watch that scene.
Posted by attitude devant on April 28, 2013 at 2:34 PM · Report this
While visiting my mother's friend, I was looking for a pen in her desk and found pictures of her (at age 72) sucking on a
big hard black cock. There was also pictures of an elderly man apparently in some sort of assisted living facility, jerking
off on a wheelchair. I was aroused by it.
Posted by handelfire on April 28, 2013 at 3:38 PM · Report this
"When a snooper learns something disturbing about a snoopee, the snooper has only herself to blame."

I disagree with the categorical condemnation of snooping. What if the snoopee was flaunting or dropping hints ("It's nunnayor business why I'm working late when work says I'm not; get offa my back!")? What if the snoopee was metaphorically of those crying out for help? Also, leaving, say a bag in a place where the snoopee reasonably knows the snooper will look or leaving a browser window open in some all but obvious place adds layers to this. This is more about snoopers catching cheaters than about snoopers catching people's perfectly legitimate private but disturbing business.

And, um, gosh, but have you seen the unemployment rate or heard of unpaid internships? "Just move out" is not necessarily something that's within this girl's reach, even if she's educated.
Posted by DRF on April 28, 2013 at 8:21 PM · Report this
@28 I don't think anybody's suggesting this lesbian sue her mother for invasion of privacy, so pounding the table regarding the legality of the snooping isn't really germane.

What is germane? Adult children should move out of their parents' home. Parents shouldn't snoop on their adult children. And snoopers shouldn't get a big sad-face if they find out--HORRORS!--the person they snooped on likes to smoke pot, or likes to have fun with sex toys, or likes to view porn.

Yes, yes--"my house, my rules." Everyone knows the mother had the legal right to snoop. No need to be pedantic again, "dear", on a point so obvious.
Posted by Functional Atheist on April 28, 2013 at 9:09 PM · Report this
@18 - It's possible to enjoy a fantasy without identifying closely with either partner in the fantasized act. A person enjoying big black cock on white girl porn could be fantasizing about being the big dicked black man, fantasizing about being the white girl, fantasizing about being a cuckold watching the scene unfold, enjoying it as voyeurism, emphasizing the taboo aspect of interracial, or none of the above. All porn is open to multiple interpretations on the part of the viewer, and the question of which interpretation turns you on is a very personal one. Since the LW didn't go into it, we don't know which angle is turning her on. It sounds like her mother assumes that she is fantasizing about being the white girl in these films, since she is herself a white girl. But that's not a sound assumption.
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on April 28, 2013 at 11:37 PM · Report this
sirkowski 49
big-black-cock-on-teenage-white-girl DVDs

Andrea Dworkin is shitting from rage in her grave.

Posted by sirkowski on April 29, 2013 at 8:22 AM · Report this
Since the LW didn't go into it, we don't know which angle is turning her on.

Personally, I prefer when the director leaves the camera alone and doesn't mess around too much with camera angles.

Then again, I remember when they shot black stud / white girl porn on film (ty Marilyn Chambers and Johnny Keyes) and directors didn't try to mask their boring sex scenes with pans and zooms.
Posted by six shooter on April 29, 2013 at 9:17 AM · Report this
seandr 51
@49: More like furiously masturbating from her grave.
Posted by seandr on April 29, 2013 at 10:43 AM · Report this
@51 -- Everyone knows Andrea Dworkin and Anita Bryant are a bed death couple in hell.
Posted by six shooter on April 29, 2013 at 11:31 AM · Report this
dwightmoodyforgetsthings 53
@1- Home owners do not have a right to search their guest, tenant, or adult family member's belongings.

Posted by dwightmoodyforgetsthings on April 30, 2013 at 1:12 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 54
Functional Atheist, dear, you're overwrought. I'm not "pounding any tables". Nor am I suggesting any sort of litigation or defending the mother. Yes, I'm pointing out the obvious, but since when is that forbidden on Slog?

So again, and mostly just to bug you: Mother's house, mother's rules. Mother sounds like a pill - but now that you mention it, perhaps she's trying to get daughter dear to move out already.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on May 1, 2013 at 9:18 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay, you are a horrible person and utterly wrong. I hope the day you realize that yourself is sooner rather than later.
Posted by cicada on May 3, 2013 at 9:26 AM · Report this

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