Friday, March 1, 2013
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Sometimes You Just Have to Step Back
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 12:07 PM
This one arrived via snail mail...
Dear Dan Savage,This letter is about your slutty paper Now.
I have been living in Toronto since 1975 and I know whats going on with people in this society. I will be honest and tell you I am a German bombshell, and had an offer for the centerfold of Playboy when I was 21 but turned it down. I was an intellect in school and my Yugoslavion uncle bought me my first oil painting set when I was 12. He spoke 10 languages!
I had a satanic experience when I met my second boyfriend at 21 in 1976. I’ve had women come on to me as young as 7! (They were 14, I was 7.) I don’t like too many women. A lot of them stink in one way more then the other.
After reading your column “I’m happy and single” I have to say that I don’t like the advice you gave to that guy .I am single and happy too. He’s not a coward. Just because he doesn’t suck dick doesn’t mean he’s a coward!
I think you're possessed by a demon!
Since the devil is part animal, that’s where bestiality comes from. All your sick pedohiles and rapists, sick sadistic people, everyone is getting possessed. You gotta have that thrill. Your magazine is a whore demon paper. Sick fucks. Go save a homeless cat. Believe me: God loves you and wants you to go to heaven. I wouldn’t want to watch people beside me in the animal kingdom sucking each other off. I hope that if all you gay people are reborn your genitals become your noses and all you faggot lesbian clowns rot away. Such a waste! You're all possessed. Toys… rubber… cock… cunt…
I’ve been reading now on and off for years, Dan. You’re a handsome guy. It's so sad. Just like Freddy Mercury you've been taken by Satan. The most beautiful man in the world is Peter Frampton. He’s God!
Kim Mitchchell is Satan.I can astro travel to heaven!!!!
Wow. I get a lot of letters from crazy people—it's in my job description—and I usually ignore them. But I had to share this one because I couldn't keep, "I have to tell you I'm a German bombshell," "go save a homeless cat," and, "faggot lesbian clowns," all to myself. Have a great weekend, everybody!
UPDATE:
@fakedansavage Why do lovers keep telling me my pussy tastes funny?
— FaggotLesbianClown (@FagLesboClown) March 1, 2013
1
This is the most incredible piece of writing I have seen in some time.
And it's hard to argue with because I cannot seem to find a single coherent thought in this letter.
I also wonder if these people truly believe that they can change minds with letters like this...
As if a fag like myself is going to read this and say "You call me an evil whore demon AND say Jesus can save me?! WELL SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!"
And it's hard to argue with because I cannot seem to find a single coherent thought in this letter.
I also wonder if these people truly believe that they can change minds with letters like this...
As if a fag like myself is going to read this and say "You call me an evil whore demon AND say Jesus can save me?! WELL SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!"
2
Someone forgot to take her meds.
Also, I think it's first time I see Kim Mitchell being mentioned outside of CHOM FM.
Also, I think it's first time I see Kim Mitchell being mentioned outside of CHOM FM.
3
My favorite Peter Frampton story is the one in "Stone Alone" by Bill Wyman, in which he reveals that, upon discovering that Frampton (then playing in a little R&B band opening for the Stones) was still a virgin, pointed a groupie at him and got him laid -- from which poor Framp' got a dose ..
8
Well that put a smile on my face. No better way to start a weekend than with a whole giant load of crazy.
10
"Go save a homeless cat."
I'm guessing this woman has saved a lot of homeless cats, who currently reside with her.
I'm guessing this woman has saved a lot of homeless cats, who currently reside with her.
12
"Go save a homeless cat" is the best thing addressed to anyone at The Stranger since "Go live in France pussy you faggot!"
15
If you haven't you should zap this over to Now, which is a terrific paper (online at www.nowtoronto.com). Also, the plea to save homeless cats is very sweet.
17
I want to reverse-engineer that letter so I can reproduce the program that generated it. Or maybe not.
Seriously, it reminds me of some AI program running off the wrong key.
Seriously, it reminds me of some AI program running off the wrong key.
21
Read it again! It's even funnier the second time through.
She's "been reading now on and off for years." I'm guessing mostly off.
Astro travel away!!! Spectacular stuff.
She's "been reading now on and off for years." I'm guessing mostly off.
Astro travel away!!! Spectacular stuff.
22
Damn. This is a good one. I actually collect letters of this nature when I come across them because I've always thought they'd be useful when I wanted to write a short story about a mentally ill character or something.
23
A textbook example of how religious teachings interact with the magical thinking that characterizes schizophrenia.
24
So this is what? A nutjob letter palette cleanser? Well I suppose it's worked. I imagine that if I thought the people writing in to Mr. Savage about their extreme sexual problems were crazy, I wouldn't any more.
26
@Dano, please run that by me one more time, Dano!
You get a lot of crazy letters?
You, Dano "let's invade Irag" Savage?
You, Dano of the rag who endorsed Paul "I came out of nowhere, nobody knows my name, and I don't even frigging live in Seattle" Schell for mayor?
Why does your statement sound so perplexing, dood?
[Not to worry, Dano, I'm sure it gets better for all those millions of displaced and killed Iraqis, right?]
You get a lot of crazy letters?
You, Dano "let's invade Irag" Savage?
You, Dano of the rag who endorsed Paul "I came out of nowhere, nobody knows my name, and I don't even frigging live in Seattle" Schell for mayor?
Why does your statement sound so perplexing, dood?
[Not to worry, Dano, I'm sure it gets better for all those millions of displaced and killed Iraqis, right?]
27
She's been astro traveling all right, but not to heaven!!!! This is what an 8th grade education and 30 years of drug abuse will get you, German bombshell or not.
29
Also, too, I rather like the idea of Dan being possessed by a demon. I'm imagining young Dan sitting in seminary school with a gleefully giggling demon with huge boner dancing around in Dan's brain. Now we know why Dan turned to sex advice.
30
What? No photos? You can't call yourself a German bombshell without backing that shit up with evidence.
31
@28, I'm guessing "banged this crazy broad after a show one time and seriously regretted it ever since".
36
My favourite bit is "I was an intellect in school and my Yugoslavion uncle bought me my first oil painting set when I was 12. He spoke 10 languages!"
She was an intellect - obviously no longer. And her uncle spoke ten languages, but she can't even spell Yugoslavian in the language of the city where she's been living for 38 years!
Apart from that, @ 2 FTW. Kim Mitchell !!! That sure brought back memories of my time in Montreal. Painful ones.
She was an intellect - obviously no longer. And her uncle spoke ten languages, but she can't even spell Yugoslavian in the language of the city where she's been living for 38 years!
Apart from that, @ 2 FTW. Kim Mitchell !!! That sure brought back memories of my time in Montreal. Painful ones.
41
@26 After reading this letter and that comment, I think Dan should totally play match maker for you two.
I think you guys would really hit it off.
I think you guys would really hit it off.
42
First of all, you demon hosting haters, that letter reads much better in the original Yugoslavion. Secondly, Dan could you forward me her address? I would like to have her star in the advertisements for my astro travel agency. That kind of energy will generate a lot of business.
43
@26 Please allow me to mention that I also have an astro dating service too.
@41 Are you interested in a job by any chance? I think you have a gift.
@41 Are you interested in a job by any chance? I think you have a gift.
44
Judging by their defensive self regard, command of the English language, and amazing ability to change every conversation into their favorite theme, I suspect that this bombshell and Sgt. Doom @27 are the same person.
45
I caught maybe forty minutes of Showgirls last night before bed, so "All your sick pedohiles and rapists, sick sadistic people, everyone is getting possessed," made me think of "Man, everybody got AIDS an' shit."
46
Whiskey
Tango
Foxtrot
I'm with @33. This is truly spectacular.
Dan, thanks for sharing. I'd like to see one of these every day, posted without comment. Of course, that would mean that someone would have to spend time reading them all to select the best ones.
Tango
Foxtrot
I'm with @33. This is truly spectacular.
Dan, thanks for sharing. I'd like to see one of these every day, posted without comment. Of course, that would mean that someone would have to spend time reading them all to select the best ones.
47
Agree with @21. It's even funnier the second time. You've gotta give the writer credit: not too many people are capable of constructing prose that is even funnier on reread.
49
@25 for the win as well. In this contest between overworded non-sequitir artists, there's just no comparison.
She can provide advice that hilariously "fairly counterbalances" Dan's.
She can provide advice that hilariously "fairly counterbalances" Dan's.
51
@43 Well, I have always been intrigued by the wide world of astro dating.
The offer is tempting...
The offer is tempting...
52
SMH
So do I start with an apology from the sane people who live in TO? For one thing, this person isn't even aware that your column merely runs in NOW magazine and that it's not your paper. But, hey, minor detail.
OTOH, I think the College of Cardinals should dismiss the election of a new pope, because we have a clear winner here: Originally German, delusional, equates gayness with demonic-sired bestiality. Just one problem: she's not a dude and also not decrepit enough. And the RCC would probably have a problem with all that "astro" travel. Gee, I didn't know there was such a thing as yogurt travel!
So do I start with an apology from the sane people who live in TO? For one thing, this person isn't even aware that your column merely runs in NOW magazine and that it's not your paper. But, hey, minor detail.
OTOH, I think the College of Cardinals should dismiss the election of a new pope, because we have a clear winner here: Originally German, delusional, equates gayness with demonic-sired bestiality. Just one problem: she's not a dude and also not decrepit enough. And the RCC would probably have a problem with all that "astro" travel. Gee, I didn't know there was such a thing as yogurt travel!
54
One of my downstairs neighbors talks like this. She IS a bombshell - probably in her 50's - but I figured her accent was from somewhere in South America. She told me just this week that she astro'd to heaven.
No foolin'.
No foolin'.
55
"will be honest and tell you I am a German bombshell, and had an offer for the centerfold of Playboy when I was 21 but turned it down."
This
along with "I think you're possessed by a demon!" reminds me of every single pathological liar born-again I've ever unpleasantly come across.
Braggarts, fake "origin" stories, and blabbing occult history that they think that other people will be impressed with.
This
along with "I think you're possessed by a demon!" reminds me of every single pathological liar born-again I've ever unpleasantly come across.
Braggarts, fake "origin" stories, and blabbing occult history that they think that other people will be impressed with.
56
Well, at least my twitter feed makes more sense now... I currently have two (formerly) homeless cats. See left for proof of one. ;) I'm off to do a
bit of astro traveling...or something.
bit of astro traveling...or something.
59
MMMmwah! C'est magnifique. Now that's how you do it! No half-measures there. Full commitment - that's what I like to see.
And to top it all off - snail mail. But of course! It's still the only way to go if you want your amazing genius powers to shine through with all their glorious hypnotizing cosmic vibrations, defeating all useless inferior would-be "adversaries" of the lower intellectual planes. Please tell me it was handwritten! And post a handwriting example. I want to analyze it in my special secret AI lab to divine its true embedded stealth encodings.
And to top it all off - snail mail. But of course! It's still the only way to go if you want your amazing genius powers to shine through with all their glorious hypnotizing cosmic vibrations, defeating all useless inferior would-be "adversaries" of the lower intellectual planes. Please tell me it was handwritten! And post a handwriting example. I want to analyze it in my special secret AI lab to divine its true embedded stealth encodings.
60
That would be an awesome voice message. Needs a nice raspy 'Yugoslavion' accent. How does her uncle's mastery of langauge have anything to do with this? I saved a homeless cat, and love the woman stink (the latter, not the former).
61
This letter has "schizophrenia" written all over it. Check to see if there is some kind of agency in the Toronto area whom you can forward this to so that they can find this guy and help him.
64
Here's how I know the author is schizophrenic: It is full of self-aggrandizement, rambling non sequiturs, and paranoid delusional beliefs. It reads almost exactly like the example of schizophrenic writing that appeared in my college psychology textbook. Stop laughing at this woman. She needs help.
67
Was this handwritten? If so, Dan should snap a pic and upload it. I want to see what crazypants penmanship looks like. (Ooh, I hope she snipped letters out of magazines and arranged them into words!!)
68
@64 It's not much different from the ramblings of Mein Kampf for what it's worth. I don't think schizophrenia is an excuse for being a hateful douche.
70
@68 When you say that you don't think it's an excuse, you're showing your ignorance. Schizophrenics do not know that their beliefs are insane. They do not realize that they make no sense, and they cannot even see it when they are being hateful. They really and truly believe that their crazy ramblings make perfect sense. As a result they don't realize that they need help. That's why I'm saying that Dan needs to forward this letter to whatever services Canada has for dealing with this sort of thing. It's easy to judge mentally ill people, but this woman did not choose to be the way she is and she cannot be held responsible for her insanity.
71
This desperately needs a hand written response from Dan. He could then start a correspondence with her and eventually post one of those (always entertaining) back/forth style SLLOTD's that we've all come to love & appreciate. Come on Dan!
74
@72 Of course he's laid back. The devil is probably great to party with. I'll bet he knows everyone and probably has the best dealer. You wouldn't want to be too close with him because he's planning to eat your soul eventually, but he's fun to hang out with once in a while.
77
@ 70, dude. My grandfather was aurally schizophrenic, and he sure as shit knew that he was ill. It came on in his 30s, and he drank heavily to keep the voices at bay. He didn't go on meds at first because treating mental health issues was the equivalent to saying you weren't a man. Finally went on meds, again KNOWING something wasn't right, and became stable. He lost it again near the end, because he was old and tired, and the voices were exhausting him.
But here's the deal, buddy: he always, ALWAYS knew something was off. He knew the voices weren't right. They freaked him right the fuck out. And he was an intelligent, gentle man who would right crazy letters to the president, then throw them in the trash because he knew that his words were twisted and incomprehensible to other people.
Stop being a self-righteous prick pretending to be the protector of the mentally ill. Not every case of schizophrenia is the same, not every mentally ill person is completely out of control and unable to keep themselves from sending prickish letters. And even someone who is mentally ill can be a dick without it necessarily being the illness making them a dick.
Yeah, this person needs help. But they're also a dick.
But here's the deal, buddy: he always, ALWAYS knew something was off. He knew the voices weren't right. They freaked him right the fuck out. And he was an intelligent, gentle man who would right crazy letters to the president, then throw them in the trash because he knew that his words were twisted and incomprehensible to other people.
Stop being a self-righteous prick pretending to be the protector of the mentally ill. Not every case of schizophrenia is the same, not every mentally ill person is completely out of control and unable to keep themselves from sending prickish letters. And even someone who is mentally ill can be a dick without it necessarily being the illness making them a dick.
Yeah, this person needs help. But they're also a dick.
78
#61, that's a good idea. Unfortunately, the authorities can't just swoop in and pump her full of medication. They can only treat her against her will if she's declared legally incompetent, and they can only hospitalize her against her will if she's shown to be dangerous to herself or others. She'd probably meet both standards, but there are a lot of legal hoops to jump through before she can get that Haldol injection.
79
@ 61 - You don't exactly sound like you're in touch with reality. Maybe you're another one of this shizophrenic lady's personalities or something.
There's only so much one can do to save the world, and it's not Dan's responsability to take care of all the crazies that write him.
You could perhaps assuage your missionary instinct by, I don't know, rescuing a homeless cat, maybe?
There's only so much one can do to save the world, and it's not Dan's responsability to take care of all the crazies that write him.
You could perhaps assuage your missionary instinct by, I don't know, rescuing a homeless cat, maybe?
80
@70 Be careful about calling people ignorant when you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about yourself. There is no organization in Canada that's going to commit someone just because they're confused unless they're a potential threat to themselves or others. And I'm pretty sure there's no such thing in the US either. Otherwise the entire Republican party would be in a mental asylum. Mental health institutions don't commit conspiracy theorists and bigots.
And yes, her schizophrenia makes her insane, but her hatred is her own.
And yes, her schizophrenia makes her insane, but her hatred is her own.
81
"Dear LW,
All gay people will die if you go to Address of Local Mental Institution and tell them all about gay people."
Wouldn't necessarily get her? committed, but it'd sure put her on the short list for outpatient care.
Wish I could be more sure that'd cause an improvement in her mental health.
All gay people will die if you go to Address of Local Mental Institution and tell them all about gay people."
Wouldn't necessarily get her? committed, but it'd sure put her on the short list for outpatient care.
Wish I could be more sure that'd cause an improvement in her mental health.
82
@70, pretty much what @77 said. You can be mentally ill and still be a bad person. And it would be seriously inappropriate for Dan to forward this letter to the authorities--assuming there is an organization that would deal with this sort of thing--unless it threatened violence.
83
@81: "it'd sure put her on the short list for outpatient care."
What "short list for outpatient care"? The teabaggers' assumptions that we can throw a person in the FEMA death camps for being hateful isn't actually based in fact.
What "short list for outpatient care"? The teabaggers' assumptions that we can throw a person in the FEMA death camps for being hateful isn't actually based in fact.
84
@83 I believe the point #81 was making is that if this person went to a mental health clinic rambling like this, they would suggest she sign up for counseling and try to help her. You seem to have mistaken "help" for "Auschwitz."
85
My Name is JANE.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from married to Single...when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done thanks be to DR OKOSODO of OKOSODOTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM
86
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