by Dan Savage
on Fri, Feb 15, 2013 at 5:30 PM
My guy and I have been together for about seven years, married for three. He came out to me as bisexual shortly before our first wedding anniversary. He's only been with a guy once (when he lost his virginity at age 13), and we've been together since we were 19, so he hasn't had much of a chance to experiment. He's explained that his attraction is purely sexual, and for the past couple years we've been trying out ways for him to explore his attraction to men within our marriage. (We watch twink porn together, we point out hot guys to each other, I use a strap-on.) There are days when it's a fun, kinky part of our relationship, but there are also days when he is overwhelmed with guilt that he's "a little bit gay." I know he's attracted to me, and we have sex several times a week, but I also know what he really wants is to know what it's like to hook up with a guy.
We read the 1/7/13 SL Letter of the Day together and your advice is something I'd already suggested—we need to have an open relationship so he can scratch that itch. The thing is, he's ashamed of his bisexuality (I'm the only one who knows) and he feels bad for wanting to cheat on me, and that guilt has made it impossible for him to make the move from fantasy to reality. It would be nice if we had a mutual friend who was gay or bi, but as it stands, there isn't anyone he trusts well enough to talk to about this. I'm a lot more outgoing than he is and have suggested initiating a threesome, but I don't think either of us really wants that. What we really need is to get him hooked up with a guy.
Do you have any advice for us?
Happily Married To A Sexually Frustrated And Closeted Bisexual
P.S. I am kind of hoping one of your readers turns out to be a hot twink interested in a no-strings-attached fuckfest with another hot twink.
My response after the jump...
Let's talk about this first: "He's explained that his attraction is purely sexual..."
Like I said in my response to "Delusional, Unfaithful, Moronic Bisexual" on 1/7/13—and, just for the record, DUMB created his own sign off—I get in trouble whenever I mention that a lot of bisexuals guys out there are looking for male partners for sex only. It's something that gay people who are interested in same-sex partners sexually and romantically frequently butt up against—and it kindasorta contradicts the whole "bisexuals fall in love with people, not genitals" line that bisexual writers and activists like to toss around.
Some bisexuals do fall in love with people not genitals, I suppose, in that they're open to partners of either sex. (Forgive me for that casual reference to the gender binary. I'll try to drop in a trigger warning before I do something like that again.) But lots of bisexuals either can't fall in love with same-sex partners or won't allow themselves to. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with a self-aware, self-accepting, self-actualized bi guy who isn't interested in dating men, only fucking them, whatever his reasons might be. But the gaslighting that goes on about this is really fucking annoying. Gay people who are frustrated or saddened by this phenomenon—fuck, gay people who are merely conscious of it—are constantly being told that we're biphobic. Which is insane. Because the gay guys who are most annoyed by this phenomenon are the ones who've been rejected by bi guys that they wanted to get romantically involved with. A desire to be with a bi guy romantically hardly seems biphobic.
I also get letters from bi guys who are looking for romantic relationships with other men who have themselves been rejected by other bi men who told them their same-sex attractions were "purely sexual." These rejected bi guys tell me they find the whole phenomenon annoying. Are they being biphobic?
Anyway, HMTASFACB, circling back to your husband....
The man you married doesn't sound like a self-aware, self-accepting, self-actualized bi guy. He sounds like a mess. He clearly struggles with shame and self-loathing. It's possible, of course, that he would feel exactly the same way about men that he does now even if he weren't "overwhelmed with guilt" about being "a little bit gay." But it's also possible that his disinterest in same-sex relationships is grounded in the same shame and self-loathing that leaves him feeling overwhelmed with guilt about his lust for hot twinks. Until your husband is more comfortable with his own sexuality—until he's less tormented by the homophobia he's internalized—we can't really know who or what he wants. He can't really know it. (It's also possible that he told you he's not interested in relationships with other men to set you at ease.)
It's a good sign—it's a great sign—that he's opened up to you about this. And he sure as fuck won the sex-and-love lottery when he married you, HMTASFACB. Not every woman would be as considerate or accommodating. I hope he appreciates you and I hope he's just as invested in your sexual pleasure and fulfillment as you are in his.
Most sex-advice perfeshanulls would tell your husband to wait until he's more comfortable with his bisexuality before acting on it. But I wasn't exactly comfortable with my homosexuality when I started acting on it. It was acting on my homosexuality that got more comfortable with it. So here's your letter, HMTASFACB, and here's hoping a hot twink reads it and volunteers to help your husband get more comfortable with his bisexuality. You might have better luck finding someone if you took out a personal ad on a gay dating or hookup site. If your husband posts a few pictures and tells the truth about himself—he's young, he's married, he's bisexual, he's inexperienced, his wife knows and is supportive (but doesn't want to watch)—I promise you he'll get plenty of responses from gay and bi men.
Finally, readers, HMTASFACB did send some pictures of her husband and I can verify that he's just as hot as she says he is. If you're a self-aware, self-accepting, self-actualized twink—gay or bi—and you wanna fuck some sense into HMTASFACB's husband, leave a message in the comments thread. HMTASFACB will be lurking.