Can I call you Frank? Is that okay? I mean, if we're going to be working together I thought we should be on a first name basis. So feel free to call me Goldy. Or David. Whatever makes you least uncomfortable.
Of course I'm writing to express my interest in the position of "Editorial Writer"at the Seattle Times, a job for which, upon close reflection, I'm sure you will agree I am ideally suited. Indeed, you will not find another editorialist capable of bringing to your op-ed pages a more informed and analytical take on state and local issues, not to mention the street cred that you so desperately need.
Sure, some might view me as an unconventional choice given my reputation as a frequent critic of the board, not to mention my penchant for using language inappropriate to the pages of a family newspaper. But given the opportunity to know me better I am confident you will find me a thoughtful, intelligent, and respectful contributor fully capable of displaying the self-restraint necessary to avoid using words like "fuck," "shit," "prick," "asshole," or "motherfucker"during meetings, in my columns and editorials, or in formal business communications such as this.
Now I know what you must be thinking: "Here's a guy who wants a job on the editorial board of a Pulitzer Prize winning daily newspaper, and yet he just used the words 'fuck,' 'shit,' 'prick,' 'asshole,' and 'motherfucker' in his cover letter. Twice!" But please do not mistake my lack of solemnity for a lack of seriousness. If you're really looking for a "shrewd," "enterprising," and "persuasive" editorial writer "to help lead critical conversations," well, you can't get much more shrewd, enterprising, persuasive, or critical than me.
I mean, let's be honest: I've been kicking your op-ed page's ass for years, both from the tawdry perch of my old blog HorsesAss.org, and now from the marginally more credible pages of The Stranger (which, a brief lapse of judgement on the part of the Pulitzer committee notwithstanding, has all the editorial integrity of the Little Nickel). So given the lack of prominence of my platform, how have I managed to challenge the august Times, inserting myself so prominently into the public debate? Words, Frank, words. And lots of 'em. Usually strung together into interesting, entertaining, and coherent sentences. That's something your op-ed page could use a little more of. Or, you know, any.
Here's the deal, Frank: we need each other. Over the years, public opinion in Seattle has grown increasingly out of touch with your editorial board, and I may be your last best chance at bringing young(ish) urban readers back to your opinion pages and the newspaper as a whole. I'll bring conflict. I'll bring controversy. I'll sell papers. (You know, figuratively. I'm only willing to stoop so far for a paycheck.) And in return, you'll provide the larger audience and more prominent platform that narcissists like me so desperately crave.
And while I know it might feel strange for you to hire a writer who has described you as "selfish," "ethically challenged," and a "crappy businessman," and who at his most charitable has maligned his future editorial board colleagues as "a bunch of sclerotic, condescending scolds," such a bold and creative move would not be without precedent. As the editor of the Washington City Paper, Erik Wemple was once one of the Washington Post's harshest critics. Wemple now writes for the Post as a columnist and blogger.
Can the Seattle Times rise to the standards set by the Washington Post? That's up to you, Frank.
I thank you for your time and consideration, and look forward to working with you and your heirs at making the Seattle Times relevant. Um, again.
David "Goldy" Goldstein
[Resume, writing samples, and references available upon request.]