Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Marco Rubio Releases First Communion Certificate

Posted by on Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 3:03 PM

This is Marco Rubios supposed First Communion certificate. (Click to enlarge.)
  • This is "Marco Rubio's" supposed "First Communion certificate." ("Click" to "enlarge.")
The presumptive vice presidential nominee is fighting back against dastardly charges that he was a Mormon for a couple of months longer than he was actually a Mormon:

Senator Marco Rubio's staff is disputing a section of a new biography that suggests that Rubio, as a boy, was a Mormon until the family returned to Miami.

A Rubio spokesman sends over a document to back up the Senator's recollection, is that he returned to the Catholic Church while his family still lived in Las Vegas. The document shows Rubio was baptized into the Catholic Church as a baby in 1971, and given first communion at age 13 in December of 1984.

I, for one, think it's quite suspicious that the Rubio campaign hasn't released this certificate up until now. What have they got to hide? And I see some telltale signs of Photoshop. Look at the pixels! You can see clear signs of manipulation around the edges and on the "seal," which doesn't look official to me. And that quote from John has several discrepancies with other translations: "which" in place of "that," along with "whoever eats..." with "if any man eat..." Is there perhaps some kind of a code, here? Something to do with a plan to ensure that young Marco Rubio, aged 13, winds up as vice president of the United States?

Man, does anyone with Photoshop want to help investigate this certificate a little further? I wonder if the layers of this document might reveal some sort of tampering? This could go all the way up to the Vatican. You know who's in charge of the Vatican? A Nazi. Let's blow the cover off this one, people!


Comments (29) RSS

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Apropos of nothing in particular, and I am neither Catholic nor Mormon: I bought a glow-in-the-dark rosary at Deluxe Junk, when I was in junior high, back in the early 80s. (For the lulz. And Madonna might have had something to do with it.)

Just reminded of that because of the earlier Deluxe Junk post. I'm going to miss that store.
Posted by MLM on April 25, 2012 at 11:58 PM · Report this
Knat 28
Catalina Vel-DuRay: no worries. Thanks for the elucidation. That glow-in-the-dark rosary you mention sounds like soooo much fun, but not in any way the clergy intended. ...I hope. I honestly don't know if you're being facetious or not, regarding the reverse-reading of the prayer book, but it wouldn't surprise me if that actually existed.

Madcap, if it comes down to it, it wouldn't be the first signature I've faked. Hopefully I'll be better at it by then, however.
Posted by Knat on April 25, 2012 at 11:28 PM · Report this
Knat: everyone knows you can't get into heaven without your First Communion Certificate. And you better believe St. Peter will be checking that signature!
Posted by madcap on April 25, 2012 at 10:49 PM · Report this
Oh, but not the brown Native Americans, the white ones. Cause the white ones were here first. That's what the magic stones said.
Posted by madcap on April 25, 2012 at 10:45 PM · Report this
I can barely tell conservative Catholicism from Mormonism anyway. I think it has something to do with Native Americans.
Posted by madcap on April 25, 2012 at 10:45 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 24
Oops, sorry for misspelling your name, dear.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 25, 2012 at 8:37 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 23
Kant dear, in reality, I did not receive a First Communion Certficate. Instead, I got a prayer book, a glow-in-the-dark rosary (which I still have) and money. My parents had a little breakfast afterwards, and all the relatives came. It was quite a haul, for a child in Iowa in 1972.

(The prayer book, when read backwards, contained information on what to do when the Vatican is put in charge of the New World Order. I suppose I should have hung on to that. )
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 25, 2012 at 8:36 PM · Report this
Knat 22
I have never even heard of a communion certificate before this, and my mother is Catholic. Are these issued just so parents can frame it as a memento of the day or is there some other (nefarious) purpose behind them?
Posted by Knat on April 25, 2012 at 7:59 PM · Report this
malcolmxy 21
I had my 1st communion at age 10, though I did then immediately start with the confession classes (as if someone needed to tell me how to lie to a priest about what I'd been up to that week), I never got a certificate either.

I do have a pretty collage candle with a bunch of magazine cut-outs laminated on it, though. (no longer catholic, by the way, but one has little choice as a child...kinda like eating dog.)
Posted by malcolmxy on April 25, 2012 at 7:17 PM · Report this
the idiot formerly known as kk 20
First communion at 13? Not 7? And the certificate was issued two years later? Huh? I love myself a good conspiracy theory!
Posted by the idiot formerly known as kk on April 25, 2012 at 6:26 PM · Report this
dnt trust me 19
Let's blow the cover off this one, people!

(boy don't I sound like a dick)
Posted by dnt trust me on April 25, 2012 at 6:06 PM · Report this
Cato the Younger Younger 18
Posted by Cato the Younger Younger on April 25, 2012 at 5:43 PM · Report this
nikoniko 17
It's stationary, the only difference after a google image search is the specific copyright date.

You can buy them here:…

or download a blank one here (second "holy communion" link down):…
Posted by nikoniko on April 25, 2012 at 5:38 PM · Report this
care bear 16
I'm kind of surprised he could find that after all those years. I have one of those too, I guess but I couldn't tell you where it is or if it even still exists.
Posted by care bear on April 25, 2012 at 5:34 PM · Report this
Rubio is just trying to have us forget his not factual recount of his family history:…
Posted by anon1256 on April 25, 2012 at 5:27 PM · Report this
blip 14
@10 I know you're not going to be persuaded by factual information, but a quick google pulled this up, in case anyone else cares:

this executive order is virtually the same as Executive Order 123283 (PDF), which President George W. Bush issued early in his presidency and which it replaced. That executive order is in turn virtually identical to its predecessor Executive Order 12667 which was issued by President Reagan. All of these orders deal specifically with the National Archive and its role in preserving presidential papers and records. The orders refer only to records generated by the office of the President during his administration which have been kept by the National Archive since that institution was created in 1934.…
Posted by blip on April 25, 2012 at 4:55 PM · Report this
Vince 13
I hear his father was born in a communist country. He's really a secret atheist.
Posted by Vince on April 25, 2012 at 4:02 PM · Report this
Fnarf 12
You do know that Catholics use a different bible than Protestants, right? The version of that quote is from the Douay-Rheims, or one of the standard Catholic bibles which descend from it, none of which appear on that website aside from DRA.
Posted by Fnarf on April 25, 2012 at 3:49 PM · Report this
malcolmxy 11
So, if someone who questions Obama's citizenship is a Birther, is someone who questions Rubio's religious inclination a Birth Againer?

(also, the layers go away once it's converted to jpg, png or whatever. the only way to preserve the layers is to save it as a psd file, and I seriously doubt that file exists any longer, if it ever did. funny that only 50 years ago, a candidate would be looking to hide that certificate altogether. i guess that's progress...sort of.)
Posted by malcolmxy on April 25, 2012 at 3:48 PM · Report this
The fact of the matter remains that Obama’s identity and college records have all been sealed by executive order – his first act as President. Executive Order 13489 entitled “Presidential Records”, was signed on January 21, 2009, a act which uses the power of the executive branch to seal by law – and away from public view, all of the President’s historical documents.
Posted by Spindles on April 25, 2012 at 3:45 PM · Report this
Geraldo Riviera 9
@6 no, the AMERICAN long-form, doctor signed 1-layered PDF, assholes.
Posted by Geraldo Riviera on April 25, 2012 at 3:44 PM · Report this
balderdash 8
"[N]o religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."

HA! What a fucking joke that ol' Constitution is.
Posted by balderdash on April 25, 2012 at 3:41 PM · Report this
Why was the certificate issued nearly two years later? How odd. Perhaps not meaningful but nonetheless odd.
Posted by Something Witty on April 25, 2012 at 3:31 PM · Report this
Sir Vic 6
@5 You mean UPC code & UL listing, right?
Posted by Sir Vic on April 25, 2012 at 3:30 PM · Report this
Geraldo Riviera 5
Where is Romney's birth certificate, you assholes?
Posted by Geraldo Riviera on April 25, 2012 at 3:25 PM · Report this
Let me get this straight... The presumptive VP thinks it would be bad for people to think he was a Mormon? That doesn't portend well for the Presidential nominee.
Posted by Timothy on April 25, 2012 at 3:24 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 3
And who waits until they're thirteen for first communion? Catholics do that at about seven. Or at least they did in my day.

Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 25, 2012 at 3:09 PM · Report this
Time to step away from the election coverage, Paul.
Posted by Zach Annon on April 25, 2012 at 3:07 PM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 1
Where's the long form first communion certificate? I have mine on my at all times.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay on April 25, 2012 at 3:06 PM · Report this

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