Hey Walking Dead people! Did you catch last night's episode—which did NOT include my fave new character, Convenient Rocket Launcher, but did have a couple other interesting things of note (smooch, smooch)? Then hit the jump and let's start the Walking Dead Chitty Chat Club! (Spoilers ahoy!)

At the risk of being insulting, your tiny guns arent much compared to Convenient Rocket Launcher.
  • "At the risk of being insulting, your tiny guns aren't much compared to Convenient Rocket Launcher."

CONTINUE READING>>>

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "The Next World."

1) Fast forward two months after the great Alexandria zombie war, and livin' is EAAAASY. Rick is adding a new hole to his belt (hey, that Atkins Diet is working!), and the camera pans past a picture of One-Eyed Carl holding Judith. [SIDE NOTE: Isn't it awesome that Alexandria has a Walgreens so they can get photos developed so easily? GUYS. This post apocalypse ain't so bad!] And Michonne is walking around in a comfy, plush bathrobe, because Alexandria is now like a Hyatt Regency up in here.

2) Rick and Daryl are going on a supply run, which means they're collecting the town's grocery lists which include, but are not limited to, toothpaste for Michonne, soda pop for Reluctant Surgeon Denise (not-so-secretly for Tara), and sorghum for Fat Elvis... because he probably wants to put it on his fried banana sandwiches. The two take off in their hot car, blasting hillbilly music like them dad-blamed Duke boys, Bo and Luke, and soon stumble upon a truck full of every supply they could possibly need. Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! (Wait, not yet.)

3) Later in an attempt to get Denise (really Tara's soda), the pair are breaking into a vending machine when a strange dude comes barreling into Rick. He introduces himself as Paul, but his friends call him "Jesus." HUH, THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE JESUS WAS OF ETHIOPIAN DESCENT. (Re-read that last sentence and imagine a smug smile on my face.) Actually he reminds me of Bam Margera, but he is totes cute, so I'm gonna call him "Totes Cute Jesus." Anyway, it turns out Totes Cute Jesus is totes sneaky, too, because he steals the keys off Rick and takes off in the supply truck, forcing Rick and Daryl to hilariously chase after him in their cowboy boots. YEEEEE-HAW!

4) R&D later find Totes Cute Jesus fixing a flat on the truck, but have their asses handed to them thanks to Totes Cute Jesus' totes wicked karate skills. (New name: Karate Jesus.) After finally subduing him, R&D tie Karate Jesus up and leave him on the side of the road, and take off in the truck. BUT WAIT! Karate Jesus jumps onto the truck after miraculously untying himself, which even the real Jesus couldn't do—because if he could, he would've never been crucified, right? (Activate smug smile again.)

5) Anyway, cue Benny Hill's "Yakkety Sax" because R&D chase Karate Jesus around a field until he's knocked out and their beloved supply truck sinks into the lake. (Now let's cue sad banjo music.) Rick decides to take the unconscious Karate Jesus back to Alexandria, because a) Rick has a newfound love for humanity, b) karate, and c) he's totes cute.

6) MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH: Michonne follows Dipshit Spencer (dead Deanna's [AKA Mayor McLizard's] son, who fucked a lot of shit up, remember?) into the woods after seeing him sneak off with a shovel. At the same time, One-Eyed Carl and mopey teen gal pal Enid are in the woods as well, reading Carl's box of old porn magazines. (Hey, I used to keep my porn in a box in the woods, too! Apparently Carl and I both have an "eye" for classic erotica, activate smug smile.) Anyway, One-Eyed Carl stumbles into Zombie Mayor McLizard (who looks only marginally worse than she did while she was still alive), and decides to lure her back to the compound so somebody in her family can kill her. Cue Dipshit Spencer, who along with Michonne, stabs her in the noggin thereby allowing him to move on with his life, and be less of a dipshit. (Good luck with that, Spence.)

7) Whooo! It's been a rough day for both Rick and Michonne who collapse together on the couch. And while Rick may have lost the toothpaste supply, he did bring her some mints—which she doesn't even eat before the two start making out like horny teenagers. (Insert "OooooOOOOOOoooooooh!" sound effect here.) The pair hop in bed to do a little bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow (insert "bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow" sound effect here), but are interrupted the next morning by Karate Jesus who bursts in and informs them, "it's time to talk." HEY KARATE JESUS, MAYBE A LITTLE PRIVACY NEXT TIME? On second thought, you're totes cute, so let's do a three-way. (Re-cue the "bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow" sound effect... quick!)

8) AND THAT IS THAT! Okay, so that was definitely a much-needed lighter episode than we've previously experienced, and I'm also happy that Karate Jesus was totes cuter than I expected—but don't relax! His introduction is merely the prelude to another new Walking Dead character, whose baseball bat won't be so totes cute. Leave your comments on this episode below, and I'll chat with you again next week!

What I wouldnt give for an Altoid right now.
  • "What I wouldn't give for an Altoid right now."