THE X-FILES Look I dont know either okay
  • THE X-FILES Look I don't know either

• There's been a pretty sure-fire indicator as to when a "bad" X-Files is about to start: the music. Every so often, The X-Files breaks out of its usual "places we could drive to while shooting the series in Vancouver or LA" routine and decides to go looking further afield for threats—be that the "albino black guys" episode "Teliko," the "haunted South American urn" episode "Teso Dos Bichos," or the Navajo-themed "Anasazi." These are all bad episodes, for the record, and they all feature tell-tale musical elements from (usually awesome) X-Files composer Mark Snow. Hearing a mournful woodwind or an ominous drum in an X-Files episode is, alas, usually shorthand for "Okay, we're gonna glancingly deal with a less-familiar culture in order to take advantage of said culture's monsters and/or perceived sociological threats. Cool?" This is the kind of shit that flew in the '90s and doesn't hold up quite so well now. And so, we come to last night's episode, "Babylon," which kicked off with what Hollywood's now using as musical shorthand for "UH OH, TERRORISTS" and... yep. There were some terrorists! Some radicalized Muslims blew up an art gallery in Texas! Then we saw people running out of the wreckage while they were on fire. So that's just a little bit intense, but could've been fine if this episode had the runtime and the gravitas to deal with some really heavy, really loaded, really important imagery in a way that didn't feel exploitative or cursory or—

• It didn't! Because Mulder decided the way to make sure no more terrorist bombings happen is to load his brain up with psilocybin, trip out, and somehow get to a different plane of existence to talk to one of the suicide bombers.

PSILOCYBIN Mulder is my role model.
  • PSILOCYBIN Mulder is my role model.

This is probably the Mulderiest plan Mulder has ever had, and it leads to an extended freak-out sequence in which a tripping Mulder does a lengthy line-dancing routine to "Achy Breaky Heart" and parties it up to "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," because he's in Texas? Mulder does a backflip! Mulder unbuttons his shirt! Skinner's there! The Lone Gunmen are there! Middle-aged cowboy ladies swarm Mulder, ready for some Mulder lovin'! Do I have to throw away this keyboard after using it to type the words "honky tonk badonkadonk"? Then the camera zooms in on some hot chicks' asses and Mulder wears a Harley Davidson shirt and brandishes his "MUSH" and "ROOM" knucks (see picture at the top of this post, and try not too see that image as you fall asleep) and FRIENDLY REMINDER, this episode began with INNOCENT PEOPLE RUNNING OUT OF A BUILDING THAT WAS BLOWN UP BY TERRORISTS, AND ALSO THEY WERE ON FIRE

• The thing is, an X-file about Mulder getting into magic mushrooms could have been great. (And I'm not just talking about "Excelsis Dei," where there were also mushrooms and... old people? And rapist ghosts? That's all I remember about that one. The X-Files is weird.) Last year, Michael Pollan's New Yorker article on psychedelics research basically provided an outline for a really fucked up, really fantastic X-Files episode. But here, the whole psychedelic thing is dealt with as a weird subplot to the (really heavy, really clunky) stuff about American Muslims and bigotry and radicalization and... wait. Are those Muppet Babies versions of Mulder and Scully?

• They are! This episode, for some inexplicable (and angering?) reason, reveals that the FBI has two sets of Mulders and Scullys: They've got the OG versions, god bless 'em, but for reasons that are never made clear, they've also got little pint-sized versions: Agent Miller and Agent Einstein. Guess which one believes in the unknown? Guess which one believes in science?

MULDER, SCULLY, EINSTEIN, AND MILLER As always, Scullys expression is the correct one.
  • MULDER, SCULLY, EINSTEIN, AND MILLER As always, Scully's expression is the correct one.

All I'm going to say about these two is that they're an excellent reminder of how obnoxious Mulder and Scully would be if they weren't played by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. Now let us never—never—speak of them again.

• This episode was weird. Not necessarily good weird (at its best, The X-Files is all about good weird), just... weird. Like maybe... like maybe the guy who wrote it and directed it isn't 100 percent sure about what makes The X-Files good?

• In 1964, a former Los Angeles police officer named Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek, a utopian sci-fi franchise that, over the course of 50 years, would spawn a billion TV episodes and over a dozen movies. Here's the thing, though: The further away Roddenberry got from Star Trek, the better Star Trek got. Roddenberry, who envisioned a future where everyone got along, was infamously averse to dramatic conflict, and it wasn't until he was forcibly removed from Star Trek that the franchise—with Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan—began to show its true potential. The Trek stories that followed were often deeper and more complex than Roddenberry's—examining the same ideals and characters, but imbuing the protagonists (and antagonists) with richer motivations and sharper philosophies. It took Roddenberry's brain to invent Star Trek; it took others to see what was just beneath the surface of the show. I mention this for absolutely no reason at all, and certainly not in conjunction with the fact this super confused, moderately offensive, and overall lousy episode of The X-Files was written and directed by The X-Files creator Chris Carter.

• Right at the end, Mulder and Scully get into a long conversation about belief and the power of suggestion—straight-up talking about everything that, up until now, has been subtext in the episode. These two are always great together (IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHEN THEY HOLD HANDS), and this is one of the strongest scenes in a bewildering episode that played entirely too fast and loose with serious subject matter. Or, at least, it would've been if it wasn't for the song that took over the soundtrack like a reeking infection: The Lumineers' "Ho Hey." This song becomes more and more prominent in the scene, eventually wiping out Mulder and Scully, and... this song. This song. This song is like an ad for cotton. This song is like having to go to a wedding. This song is like being murdered at Bed Bath & Beyond.

When I asked Mercury Music Editor Ciara Dolan what genre this music even was, she told me the first word that came to her was "poop," then later revised that statement, informing me it could probably best be categorized as "dandy core," and I never knew that two words could make me so angry. "Wait, is 'dandy' a derogatory term?" Ciara asked a few minutes later. "I just mean 'dandy' in the sense of dressing like a newsboy and acting like everything is meaningful." No, Ciara: Dandy, in this sense, is not a derogatory term. But what is derogatory—to you, to me, to everyone out there still reading this, and, most importantly, to our beloved Mulder and Scully—is "Ho Hey." We've got a new warning sign for a bad X-Files. It is the horrifying sound of the Lumineers.

We've only got one episode left. See you next week, everybody. *line dances into the sunset*