...for Julieanne Smolinski has bested your meager attempts.

Breakfast is the same thing, every day: denuded feldspar. I soak it overnight in Mexican creek foam to create a pudding, which I suck from a vinegar-soaked sponge. It’s truly hands free, which lets me simultaneously do my sun grunts and marinate my anus in squeezed orange pith.

Then it’s time to wake my son, Protein, for “school" ...

My son, Protein, INDEED.

The rest, as they say, is here.

The original is here. But maybe read this instead.