Hello! Did you watch the action-packed mid-season finale of last night's Walking Dead? And are you ready for a spoiler-filled recap and to chitty-chat the crap out of it? As always, I have much to say! Hit the jump, and let's talk about all the postapocalyptic hot zombie action!

Well... there goes the neighborhood!
  • "Well... there goes the neighborhood!"


MORE BELOW!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's mid-season finale, "Start to Finish."

1) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... snort! Huh? Whaaa? Oh. I thought something interesting was happening. Anyway... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2) Yep, for a mid-season finale, that action-packed episode was surprisingly snoozy. It opened with Jessie's girl's son—who annoyingly refuses to come downstairs—drawing zombie pictures in his room, and listening to "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" (and not the superior Tiny Tim version), while a horde of ants devour one of his leftover cookies. That, my friends, is what's known as a METAPHOR. (Looks like someone on the writing staff attended a college English 101 class!)

3) The zombie horde pushes its way into Alexandria, which is OBVIOUSLY another METAPHOR for gentrification in the urban setting. (Quit driving up the rents, new zombies!!) Rick and the gang split up and run into various houses—which totally ruins Jessie's Girl's other son Ron's plans to shoot Carl's Jr. in the back. (Is it too late to drop both of Jessie's Girl's kids at the orphanage?) Anyway here's how it all breaks up: Rick, Rev. McChickenshit, Mayor Lizard McCheese, Michonne, Carl's Jr, and Ron run into Jessie's Girl's house. Tara, Sgt. McSexy, and Fat Elvis hole up in a garage. Morgan, Carol's Sweater, and Dr. (not a real doctor!) Denise holes up in the captured Wolf's makeshift cell. (Is it just me... and I know he's a killer, and all... but don't you think Wolf is kind of sexy? If he, you know, had his "w" tattoo lasered off?) And surrounded by walkers, Maggie climbs up to a lookout tower so Glenn can watch her from afar with moist, wistful eyes. LET THE INTERPERSONAL FIREWORKS BEGIN!

4) Glenn spends much of his episode trying to talk some goddamn sense into impudent teen Enid, who STILL has no interest in saving the people of Alexandria. JUST PROMISE HER AN EXTRA HOUR OF SCREEN TIME ON THE iPAD, GLENN. That's the only way to get a teen to cooperate with anything.

5) As a gang of zombies pound on their garage door, Sgt. McSexy whines about how G.I. Ginger might be dead—instead of, you know, plotting a way out of their dire situation? Tara talks her down off the ledge, and wonders if there's a way to get through the locked door into the accompanying house. Fat Elvis says, "Hey, ya'll! I can pick that ding-dang lock! Oh, a hunk-a, hunk-a burnin' love—Ooooohhh!" (College English majors will recognize that as a "deus ex machina" moment.)

6) Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Carol's Sweater picks a super convenient time (note sarcasm) to fight Morgan over the fact that he's keeping a sexy Wolf locked up. Morgan's all like, "Every life is precious!" and Carol's Sweater is like, "Not according to the writers of this show!" And they fight, fight, fight, both are knocked out, and Dr. (not a real doctor) Denise is taken hostage by the sexy Wolf. Cue the entrance of Fat Elvis and the gang who waaaaaay too easily give up their guns to Sexy Wolf—who for some reason doesn't murder all of them on the spot. Could Morgan's pacifist words be having an effect? (If the previous writing on this show is any indication, then the answer is NOOOOOOO.)

7) Back at Jessie's Girl's place, Mayor Lizard McCheese has been zombie bit, so she spends the rest of the episode not dying and lecturing people like Yoda. KER-SNOOZE, LADY. (Although my interest level perked up when I thought she was eating the guts out of Baby Judith. That kid is LUCKY.) Anyway, Ron pulls a Carol's Sweater and lures Carl's Jr. out into the garage where he tries to shoot him. Happily he fucks that up as well—because all the Alexandria natives are goddamn idiots—and in the process, accidentally invites all the zombies inside the house. (Oopsy!) Carl's Jr. then pulls a Glenn, and nicely (and for no logical reason) covers up Ron's attack—because we saw how that worked out so awesome for Glenn.

8) Anyway, Rick resorts to one of his favorite old-timey Walking Dead tricks: Dressing up in zombie entrails so they can walk right through the horde undetected... because the zombies won't be able to smell 'em! (Ummm... most of those zombies don't have noses anymore... but whatever.) This was a good scene solely because of the look on the disgusted faces of the Alexandrians and Rev. McChickenshit who is initially grossed out, but later bravely intones, "I won't run away this time!" Yeah, well, nobody cares if you do or don't. So shut up and cover your dick with zombie guts, Padre.

9) The gang makes it outside where it looks like a tailgating party at an OSU game. They clasp hands and move into the zombie crowd, and THAT'S when Jessie's other idiot son—who we shall forever call, "Tiptoe Tulip"—decides to scream for his mama. JESUS CHRIST, I HATE THESE ALEXANDRIANS SOOOOO MUCH!!

10) And fin.

11) Okay, so as stated before, only the Walking Dead can take an action-packed episode and turn it into a snooze fest. I mean, look what I just described! That should've been the most exciting episode of the season, but all those unbelievable scenarios (Carol's Sweater attacking Morgan) and loooong, treacly speeches (Mayor Lizard McCheese), really flattened the show's tires. BUT! MAYBE I'M WRONG? WHAT DID YOU THINK? Put your comments in the comment box below, and settle down for a looong winter's nap until we return in February!

That is the LAST time I visit Macys cosmetic counter.
  • "That is the LAST time I visit Macy's cosmetic counter."