At last! Kill Rock Stars is releasing new comedy albums from (Portland Mercury columnist) Ian Karmel and Emily Heller today! Karmel's 9.2 on Pitchfork was recorded at Mississippi Studios in Portland. You can sample it here. It's full of classic Karmel: heroic Taco Bell quests bringing out one's inner asshole, smug parents being smug, and the hiring committee for affectionate nicknames. If you've somehow snoozed on Ian Karmel, that's weird because the Mercury publishes him every fucking week, but you can catch up here.

And about Emily Heller, she of Good for Her: It's a real pet peeve of mine when people are like, "OMG, [likable celebrity] is my imaginary BFF," because it's kind of like saying, "OMG, a ghost is my imaginary BFF," because really, someone's public persona is about as real as a ghost. Sorry, would-be JLaw biffles! There is a wide, unknowable chasm between projection and reality. (You also don't actually hate Gwyneth Paltrow, but that's a conversation for another time!)

But I make an exception for Emily Heller. Because Emily Heller is perfect. She's the only other person I've heard make the case for only smoking weed on your period ("I'm gonna go smoke pot and bleed!"), and her opinion on life as a single lady is simply correct: "Being single is the Frasier of emotional states.... When you guys are fighting and crying and compromising, going through each other's cell phones... going to parties with people you hate, I'm watching Frasier!" Get it, Emily Heller! And by it, I mean glorious hours spent alone watching the mediocre TV show of your choice.

Can't get enough Emily Heller? She also recently named Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me" as her Hatesong of (non-) choice at the AV Club, saying, "This is not a song that Taylor Swift the person wrote; this is a song that Taylor Swift the panderer wrote. That’s the thing I also find really gross about it. Regardless of what she’s saying, it just feels disingenuous and it was clearly written for a very specific audience of fat, nerdy girls. And as an adult fat, nerdy girl, I don’t appreciate it. I don’t appreciate being pandered to by a super hot blond woman." Even more bon mots here!