Victory! We improve to 3-4 after a dominating 20-3 win over the @49ers. š·'s [https://t.co/RbNEo3gdal] #SEAvsSF pic.twitter.com/5WeISeRwJi
ā Seattle Seahawks (@Seahawks) October 23, 2015
The Seahawks responded to a short week of heartbroken rest with a dominant 20-3 win over the hapless San Francisco 49ers. And given my experience of trying to do stuff while heartbroken? Thatās really impressive. I canāt imagine trying to prepare for an NFL football game while blasting Dashboard Confessional and drowning my sorrows in cheap vodka and sour gummy worms. (Is that just me?)
That said, preparing for this 49ers team has to be staggeringly easy. They seem pathologically incapable of getting first downs. They only had 8 against the Seahawks on Thursday, which is tied for the second fewest of the year with the 49ers' 8 against Green Bay earlier this year. The only performance that was worse? The Bears against the Seahawks. The next worst? The 49ers against the Cardinals. And while the 49ers' defense is better than their hapless offense, it wasn't enough to slow down Beast Mode despite the ongoing trainwreck that is Seattleās offensive line. What Iām saying is, this was a brutal matchup for San Franciscoās hopes of controlling possession on paper, and it played out that way on the field.
Also, Colin Kaepernick looks terrible. The Seahawks were unable to make plays late in recent weeks on defense, but part of that was that opposing quarterbacks werenāt missing plays late. Andy Dalton and Aaron Rodgers, in particular, were unflappable down the stretch against the Seahawks, but Cam Newton and even Nick Foles made some great throws to get their teams in position to come back. Kapernick missed open receivers frequently enough that I wanted to login to the game settings and increase the difficulty. Their was no threat of him leading a comeback against the Seahawks, and with Blaine Gabbert serving as his backup, no option for noted truck driver Jim Tomsula to turn to.
The Seahawks won comprehensively. They had to win, and they did. This is good. Letās have a little fun breaking it down:
ā¢ Letās start by looking at the smoldering tire fire that is the Seahawks' offensive line. OH GOD DONāT LOOK RIGH AT IT, THE FUMES WILL MESS UP YOUR EYES.
Now that weāre all wearing goggles, letās take a stab at understanding what the hell is going on there. Alvin Bailey played a bunch at both tackle spots. He run blocked well, but was a turnstile trying to protect Russ. J.R. Sweezy, who should by all rights be good, was not good. He took a killer penalty, and also let guys through him. Russell Okung got hurt for a bit and then came back. That was good because Garry Gilliam played like his namesake from Parks and Rec. And Justin Britt. What do we do with Justin Britt at this point? I donāt even know. OH GOD, THE GOGGLES. THEY DO NOTHING.
ā¢ Michael Bennett and Cliff Avril were dominant against San Franciscoās mediocre offensive line. Bennett has been up and down this year, but is already up to 6.5 sacks. Meanwhile, Avril has been the Seattle defenseās most consistent force all season. If I had to pick one of the two as the player of the game, Avril might have the edgeā¦ except for this:
Just asked Michael Bennett what it feels like to have the kind of game he did: "Feels like multiple orgasms."
ā Dave Softy Mahler (@Softykjr) October 23, 2015
Black Santa wins.
ā¢ In a year where kickers have been all over the map, Steven Hauschka is playing incredibly well, and I donāt want to jinx it, so letās leave it at that.
ā¢ Tyler Lockett is cooler than Ricardo Lockette.
ā¢ 49ers head coach Jim Tomsula punted down 17 on 4th and three, with four minutes left in an NFL game. This is an embarrassing capitulation. He then called a timeout on the Seahawks' ensuing possession to get them to maybe punt the ball back. It was horrifying. Like watching a chess player down to a pawn and his king go to concede, pull a ātoo smooth,ā pullback on the handshake, and then immediately get checkmated. That San Francisco ran noted lovable loser and genuine football savant Jim Harbaugh out of town for this guy is unfathomable.
ā¢ Richard Sherman followed Torrey Smith around all night, which worked wonders for the Seattle secondary. While Smith is not an AJ Green-caliber receiver, he is a master at drawing pass interference penalties. In Baltimore, he frequently drew twice as many yards as the next most interfered with receiver. Given the strengths and weaknesses shown by Cary Williams thus far this year (and Iām not one who thinks itās been all bad), getting Williams on anyone other than Smith was the right call, and it was good to see Seattle do that from the first snap.
This was a really nice win for the Seahawks. If they win next week against Dallas theyāll go into the bye week at .500. Tony Romo and Dez Bryant may well be out for the game, and the Seahawks will be well rested so there is no reason to expect any trouble exceptā¦ oh god, human monster and very good football player Greg Hardy will be attacking Russell Wilson through Justin Britt.
Everyone, upgrade your goggle game in preparation.