Blogs Jul 31, 2014 at 11:45 am

SL Letter of the Day: The Refractory

Dr. Lori Brotto
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Comments

1
"...see how the refractory period was originally studied by Masters and Johnson."

I bet it was!
on July 31, 2014 at 12:50 PM Report this
2
I have no useful suggestion here...as age has flagged my libido a tad, I've refrained from...self-release...in order to make sure I had peak lust to offer my partner...only to wind up frustrated when I was declined/rejected. It's a real conundrum. I think BORED could quite rightly demand some self-restraint, but BORED better be ready to a) give up spontaneity, and b) follow through when the planned activity is scheduled.
AFinch on July 31, 2014 at 1:16 PM Report this
3
Personally, I wouldn't bring up the masturbation, because it's not what you care about. I'd bring up what you care about, which is, presumably, that you're not having sex as often as you want to. You think it's because of the masturbation, and it might be, but it makes more sense to bring up the thing you do care about and then discuss strategies to get it. Maybe your partner will have ideas that don't involve not masturbating for how to get back into the mood when you want more sex. Or maybe if your partner totally stopped masturbating, he'd still have periods of non-desire that are bothering you. You can't really be sure unless you investigate the real issue.

It's also possible your partner just doesn't want sex as often as you do. This might not be a thing that can be easily fixed. But, regardless, you should discuss the real issue and see what your situation is and what your options are.
on July 31, 2014 at 2:46 PM Report this
4
So.. the problem is not enough frequency or too much rejection, and you want to propose that he change his masturbation timing? I thought the "I" statement advice was great, except you might want to delay saying "I’ve noticed that it often happens after you’ve jacked off". You could be drawing an incorrect conclusion so you may just want to bring up what you need and see what he says. Like, "I really liked how we had sex 4 times a week, I'd like to start doing that again." Or, "I've been worried about your desire for me lately. I don't know what to do to initiate sometimes, and I feel frustrated." And throw in lots of "I love you, I love having sex with you, I think you're so hot, I love how we can talk about this, I want to (suck/fuck) your brains out forever" and other mushy "I" statements to keep feeling on the same team.
Philophile on July 31, 2014 at 3:24 PM Report this
5
He may also have fantasies/desires he's anxious about revealing. (Or another person he's been jacking off with online.) Try to convey that you won't judge him. And ask about having joint jack-off sessions, so you can see what he's jacking off to.
EricaP on July 31, 2014 at 11:35 PM Report this
6
@5, not JUST so you can see what turns him on, but also to reconnect with a kind of sex he enjoys and finds low-stress.
EricaP on July 31, 2014 at 11:39 PM Report this
7
Joint sessions is an excellent idea, one I was going to suggest, since not only can you see/experience what he's getting into, but make it a fun participatory activity that you won't resent so much!
on August 1, 2014 at 7:14 AM Report this

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