Comments

1
Dumbass people. "Hey, my marriage isn't going too well, why don't I introduce a child into the mix! That ALWAYS works out!"
2
@1 - LW didn't say her marriage wasn't going well...she said that, with the exception of sex, which was never good, it was going quite well and she was happy.

You can say that oh, she should have known that she couldn't have an expectation of their sex lives improving, but many/most people go into marriage thinking they can work on/improve aspects.

I divorced my first wife over this issue; I was terrified and scared to bring it up or even talk about it...I'd beg, plead, hint, try all sorts of things...but no go. After having made it through a divorce and out the other end intact, the fear of hitting the nuclear button - presenting exactly the option given here - is much much less...really, what are you afraid of? Ultimately, I'm much happier to have gotten fully free so as to be free to pursue a whole relationship, rather than just trying to find sympathetic women who would sleep with a married man - even with the wife's permission, I suspect your odds are much much lower than they are single and unencumbered/available.

So, LW, he's already not acting in good faith as much as you are...stop imposing this on yourself and tell him exactly what's been suggested...yep, might end your marriage, but then you're free.
3
LW, I am in a very similar situation. The only difference is that my husband gave me permission to find sexual satisfaction outside of our marriage. It has made a big difference. We love each other very much, but he has problems showing physical intimacy. I think it just makes him feel too vulnerable.

You are not going to be able to fix this because your husband doesn't want to fix it. You need to be honest and tell your husband that you are opening your marriage. He can either work with that or you two can separate. It is better to leave than stay and endure what you are going through. Good luck.
4
Masturbating to porn isn't selfish, but masturbating to orgasm to porn is selfish if you are leaving your partner extremely unsatisfied with sexual frequency. What's much worse is lying about how often you are having orgasms and making your partner feel like an oversexed freak. This woman sounds pretty GGG, I bet she would be up for a session of no pressure mutual masturbation, less stressful than all that "work" Dr. Ley describes.
5
@2

Perhaps its a generational thing. For me, I grew up on Savage Love and knowing that, if you aren't happy with how things are going sexually, you certainly don't throw in a kid expecting it will fix one's libido/wants/etc. Its unfair to the kid.

I guess I'm more open to my expectations in my relationship.
6
Rather than go outside the marriage, try getting into the porn with him. Offer to blow him while watches if he will finger you or work you with a dildo. Don't make it "either-or", make it an adventure and an experiment.
7
@6, she's already done that. "I have tried to reinvent our sex life, introduced toys, adult films, discussed fantasies and talked frankly about what he would like. "
8
@5 - My ex had made it very clear, very very early on, that the one thing she could never handle was non-monogamy...and she was continually suspicious. Yes, hindsight is 20/20 and I should never have married her. The LW should probably never have married a lower-libido partner but it sounds like having the kid wasn't supposed to fix it - as in "child is solution" - at least, I don't read it that way. I read it as "we wanted to have a kid, and I figured it would have the additional benefit of killing my libido". I do agree with you that save-the-marriage babies are a terrible idea.
9
@1,5: It sounds like her theory with the kid was that it would drop her libido.

Also, I like Dr. Ley's mis-acronym for her name. I assume he dropped the a from apathetic?
10
If you want to fuck your partner, only be partners with people who want to fuck.
11
Start fucking someone else and let him decide what to do.
12
I think the idea about sex being "work" is partly there. I've been in relationships where my partner wanted sex much more frequently than I did (although never as low as once a month; i'm more of a thrice a week guy) and it was difficult. In that relationship, having sex was more about filling her emotional needs and not any type of shared experience. Obviously fulfilling her needs in this way is fine - but it gets old, fast. Sex wasn't especially enjoyable for me when I felt like it was a one-way street. Having sex felt like more of an apology than anything else, which begat less sex-having - and so the cycle begins.

Anyhow, even when this couple is having sex, they're not having shared sexual experiences. The level of libido mismatch is probably fatal, but I'd suggest that LW wants to save her sex life, she probably needs a better understanding of what makes him actually tick - that her move was for your typical BDSM toys tells me she wasn't thinking about the husband as an individual when looking for an alternative.
13
@7 She doesn't say what she won't do. Only how wonderful she is. I'm suspicious.
14
I'm surprised she doesn't say what kind of porn he likes. That might help explain their mismatch,
15
Dr. Ley must watch porn often to be so defensive of it. I totally disagree that always or even mostly preferring porn to actual sex is in any way healthy,

I do agree that porn isn't the problem, the same way black jack or junk food or drugs can't be problems by themselves. Compulsions are always a problem in the reward circuitry of the brain.

Hubby's circuitry doesn't respond to much in the way of sex/orgasm, besides porn. His mistake is that he won't change his sex life in any way that could satisfy BOLAAH... it seems she has exceeded due diligence on her part. Her mistake is that she's still servicing him instead of searching for someone who can give and take service. This sentence may explain it, "For a long time I told myself that sex wasn't the most important part of a relationship so maybe I should just count my blessings." It sounds like she realized that (surprise!) sex satisfaction is very important to her. The actual advice of what to say, "Now, Iā€™m giving you notice that sexual satisfaction is [also] important to me, in or outside our marriage." was great. I'm also glad Ley thoroughly debunked, "I don't believe my happiness is more important than my children's."

Qs for Bolaah - Could you be attracted to people who expect you to not like sex? Do you think it's bad to want certain sex acts? Do you feel you deserve an unhappy sex life? Do you have other denied needs that are a source of unhappiness? Can you plan for adequate self time and possibly therapy to create a satisfying open marriage?

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.


Add a comment
Preview

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.