Some one else will come along and she'll wonder why the hell she's with this guy. She should dump him now before things get that extra level of complication. Because it will.

Good advice, Dan. Letter writer/WC: please take Dan's words seriously! You can coast by "taking care of yourself" for quite a long time, it will even feel normal. But in terms of keeping yourself happy for the long term - and your boyfriend, too - this situation needs some kinda change. Maybe he's gone asexual? A prospect he could look into with a doctor. It's unusual for a person in their 20's to have such a radical shift in desire*.

If you want to keep the warm, safe, companion parts of the relationship, & don't miss the sexual connection you had with him, then you should either break up & become friends or re-weigh the pros & cons of opening up the relationship. Takin' care of your own needs is fine for awhile, but that rejection & resentment will continue to build over time.

If you do miss sex/intimacy with him, do something about it. Don't be scared of confrontation! Though unpleasant as hell while it's happening, a better place could be on the other side of it.

* - data pool anecdotal, but that's been my experience/observation. YMMV.

My perspective as a recently liberated grad student is that during these years, your whole life feels "on hold", and that can include relationships. If all your friends are also grad students, you might not even realize that the only forward progress you're making is on quals/thesis work (provided that's going well...). I would say it is the norm for grad students to put off dealing with non-research problems for as long as humanly possible. Reading her wishy-washy resolve to "express [her] dissatisfaction", I am not optimistic that she will GTFO of this clearly dead-end relationship any time soon.

She is doing it the worst possible way: wait until she finds someone better.

Then she can just drop her current partner and leave him in the lurch.

No, if she thinks she wants out she should get out NOW. Then she maybe be able to maintain friendship -- and who knows? it could re-kindle -- but if she hangs in for convenience and until someone sexier comes along then that is to me dishonest -- unless of course HE is OK with that.

If the friendship/roommate thing is what you want WC you can have that, or at least attempt to, without dating the guy.

You can break up and still be friends. Mind you I think period of No Contact after a break-up is a good thing but there's no reason why you couldn't attempt to rekindle the friendship aspect of this relationship with some time apart.

Barring of course that's what you both want.

Not much useful to add to what Dan has to say, other then lack of sexual chemistry is very hard to re-kindle. And even if your guy is wonderful and has decided he's definitely a guy, he might also have found a new erotic groove in his brain (related to role playing or dressing), and not be so excited by his hetero-normative role.

One more vote for ending it.

Honestly, I think whatever's going on with the boyfriend's gender identity/sexual orientation/desires/what-have-you are a red herring. The fact is, there isn't sexual compatibility between the two of them, as demonstrated by the utter lack of sexual activity over an extended period of time. Whatever the reasons are - it doesn't really matter. My advice to WC is to get out as quickly and kindly as possible. It isn't working, and that's okay. That happens sometimes, even with people you love. Love isn't enough; you also need a few basic other things and sex is usually one of them. It's time to move on, honey.

Sounds like this guy is asexual, or at least ace-leaning. He might have decided to transition and then backed out of it because his lack of sex drive made him wonder if he was comfortable as a guy, but then did some thinking and realized he wouldn't feel any more comfortable, sexually speaking, as a girl. Just my privilege-checked hetero cis male opinion on it.

Its amazing how long people can convince themselves that their partner not meeting their physical needs is ok, and they can 'be happy' without intimacy. People are always making excuses (the kids, Im happy, the relationship is great in other areas), but in the end they are just in denial. They arent happy.

Whats worst is how other people can be so cruel and self centered that they dont care about their partners physical need for sexual intimacy. If your partner has a need you cant meet and you dont have the stones to outright tell them, youre an asshole and they shouldnt be with you.

@arauncania: Are you allergic to apostrophes?

There's a word for people you love but don't have sex with. They're called "friends".

And yeah, waiting until you *do* want to have sex with someone else is a terrible idea. If you want any chance of salvaging a friendship, start that transition now.

You are already friends and companions, so stay that way, but tell him you don't want a sexless life and that appears to be what the two of you will always have. Confront him, but not be confrontational in a hostile way. Tell him he should think about what kind of life he wants. Maybe you will give him an opening to talk. Maybe he is also afraid to have a conversation.

But Dan is right. Your future self will want someone who can give you sex, love and companionship. It will be hard to separate from your current boyfriend. Ugh! I know, telling everyone, friends, family, explaining over and over and over, will be a painful experience, but it's going to happen someday. Don't wait until your lives are more intertwined.

If there is a natural ending in the near future (grad school ending, apt. lease ending, etc.), then maybe you can make that your goal to make separation easier.

"He is an excellent companion and roommate ..."

Agree with @3 -- it could be a bit of grad school-induced stasis. Sounds like she's dissatisfied sexually but doesn't want to deal with having to change her living arrangements.

So she is room mates with the guy, basically? Maybe room mates that sleep in the same bed, but who aren't sexual? That sucks. It is far harder to sleep next to someone who rejects you sexually than to sleep in the next room (or the next city or state).

If he's a great friend, companion and room mate, fine. Call it what it is. She WILL meet someone who she is attracted to AND who is attracted to her. Better to have declared this non-sexual/non-romantic relationship for what it is in advance, than to rely on the excitement of the new guy to rip this bandaid off.

I've got a lot more experience with closeted gays (especially self-closeted lesbians), and the hallmark of closet cases is confusion. This guy's level of confusion is amazing. Do pre-transition MTFs also demonstrate such profoundly high levels of confusion, as well? As Dan says, "You don't have to be 100% healthy, no one is. But you have to be in Good Working Order." This guy is not in Good Working Order. As such, he may need a friend, but he shouldn't be in a relationship.

She should move on. I see this more of fearing the future, and she is imagining the break up is worse than continuing the relationship even though she is unhappy..

This isn't a romantic relationship, it is a good relationship between friends, and she shouldn't consider this as a boyfriend/girlfriend break up, as more as moving out and away from a roommate..

@15 my guess is that he is a closeted gay. But agree with everyone sayings it's past time for her to let him know they're not in a sexual relationship any more.

So, WC, you're in your mid-20s. Let's say you're 24. Let's say you live to be 84. Are you willing to spend the next 60 years of your life in this situation because you didn't want to have a few unpleasant hours and some challenging weeks back when you were 24?
Because not ever standing up for yourself, no matter how unhappy you are will result in a lifetime of being pushed into things you don't want.

I know how much seems to be at stake here. But your bf might actually feel a huge sense of relief. I don't know if he's gay or trans or asexual, but whatever he is, he's living in a closet and forcing you to be in there with him. Likely whatever he is, he's also at the least profoundly confused and distressed and wants to avoid rocking the status quo boat. But whatever he is he isn't sexually attracted to you and he never will be.

That hurts to acknowledge, but think about it this way: given his condtion (whether gay, trans, or asexual) he can't help it and neither can you. This is straight-up, no-blame, what-can-you-do-about-it sexual incompatibilty at its deepest level. Once you two get past it, it frees you both up to be the great friends (and maybe even roommates, but that is probably pushing it) you have been and can continue to be to each other.

Think about this: what if you two got married. And had a kid or two (with that motivation, you could have sex the few well-timed times it would take) and then someday, your husband just couldn't take it any longer. He'd want to transition, or he'd want to come out as gay (I don't think there's as strong a possibility that he's asexual, but who knows). Or you'd meet someone who wanted you, who saw you as sexy, beautiful, and desirable--and you didn't want to resist that.

So then what? You unravel a lifetime together instead of a few years. You sunder a family; your needs for your own happiness affect your children.

Or suppose you can't convince your husband to have enough sex with you to conceive a child. But you want kids. And then you turn around and you're 45, and one of you can't take this charade anymore. So you split, but by now, you're running out of time if you want to have kids. You have to meet someone, someone who wants what you want; you have to fall in love; you have to rush through that "alone together" time and try to have those kids, hoping there are no infertility issues, which there may be. Was it worth it, that not having an uncomfortable conversation when you were 24?

You know what the answer is, and you know what you need to do. And you may still be able to be friends, because that's really all you are now. You can find other roommates--people do all the time. You can do this. We know you can.

*waves hand frantically* I know this one! Pick me!

I'm not knocking the out and proud identity of trans women, which is terrific. But a small problem is that the majority of those born with male equipment who are on the trans spectrum are neither at the drag queen end nor the trans woman end. The majority are crossdressers. And those I know a lot about.

I'm going to make huge generalities here. I know there are exceptions to the rule, yadda yadda, and I'm NOT talking about trans women or drag queens, only crossdressers. I have found that most crossdressers love bondage, a particular type of bondage. Fully dressed in women's clothes, especially tights or pantyhose, and tied tightly with rope, especially hogties. They often like a little pain too, but more important is the femdom demeanor. Crossdressers are submissive, passive and if you take control, tie them up and boss them around while they are dressed en femme, you will never have a more grateful, loving and all around helpful boyfriend. Who will also do all the housework! And happy enough to be the man for vanilla sex.

WC should do a little homework on hogties, get some rope from a boating shop (easy to work with for beginners and cheap) and have her boyfriend dress up in his prettiest things, with makeup, and then hogtie him tight. Willing to bet money he will pop the hugest boner she's ever seen on him, and when she unties him there will be much nookie.

No one, on their death bed, wishes they'd spent more time in a sexually-deprived relationship with someone who has a history of not knowing what they want. Get out, now, and spend some time by yourself. Then be with someone who knows who they are, what they want, and who wants to have sex with you. You owe yourself that much.

Oh, also I should add, one of the main litmus tests to determine whether someone is a trans woman or a crossdresser is whether the desire to dress increases if one hasn't had an orgasm for a while, or if it goes away right after orgasm. In other words, since her boyfriend's therapist determined he wasn't trans, that pretty much means he failed that test and is a crossdresser. That sort of desire doesn't go away.

@19: I don't have your breadth of experience, and my sample size is one, but my cross-dressing husband doesn't have any desire to be tied up or otherwise dominated while dressed. I just turned around and asked him, "because if you DO want that, we can make that happen..." :)

If LW thinks that her partner perhaps wanting to do some dressing / pegging / other sorts of non-heteronormative activities and is really invested in making this relationship work, I'd highly recommend her being open-minded about it. No one will be hurt, it's just clothes, and the sex can be really incredible because he's *really* turned on.

WC needs to flip a table.

EricaP @17: "my guess is that he is a closeted gay."

Intuitively, I leaped to that, but I didn't mention it for lack of objective data. Thanks for the reminder.

Not into sex with woman. But wants a beard. Has effeminate attributes. Confused as all get out. Could manage sex initially, but couldn't stomach pussy for very long. All of that screams closet-case gay dude.

In the broader society, T is further "out there" than L or G. But within a relationship with a straight chick? An honest G is a death knell. T is a "WTF?". The LW is now stuck in the WTF? phase which saves the BF from having to come out (as WHATEVER he really is).

Yes, @17, agreed, way past time to call this non-romantic relationship what it is.

And, this BF is way too fucked up ("confused", politely) at this time to be sucking years out the LW's prime dating life. If you can't write a personals ad concisely using SM, BM, GM, or something MORE specific, you need to be on the shrink's couch, NOT on OKCupid.

@23: Seriously.

Then she needs grab her panty waste boyfriend by the hair, slap his ass a couple times, throw him on the bed, straddle him, and say "stick out your tongue, because I'm going to fuck your face." When she's done fucking his face, she should roll him over onto his hands and knees, get behind him, reach between his legs, pull his cock back, and vigorously lick up and down his shaft, balls, taint, and ass. When she's had enough of that, she should throw him on his back, pin his skinny arms down so he can't wriggle away, and ride him cowgirl until she comes. Then she should kick back on the bed and tell him to fetch her a beer.

The problem is there's just waaaaaaay to much submissiveness going on in this relationship.

@25; well that's a scenario to go to sleep to/

I am primarily surprised that, given what could be a sensational plot twist in a work of fiction, the letter should fizzle out so - it looked as if it would be even more interesting than the question of whether a transitioner's partner who ends the relationship can do so without being or being called [something not very nice].

Ms Erica's and Mr Kenai's posts make me wonder why people so rarely guess someone to be a closeted bisexual. There are certainly enough people to fit the description, and such a guess would mean being able to accept LW's testimony of former sexual compatibility (end of the first paragraph) as accurate.

Dan came out in favor of ultimatums! I thought I was the only one!

Given:
1) Long-standing important relationship (which needn't be romantic)
2) This is not the first time the other person is hearing that you have a problem
3) You really do have one foot on the threshhold and will leave if it doesn't change

An ultimatum is the right solution. It's a last heads up to your partner that you weren't kidding about being unable to continue with the status quo. (Don't use one if you are not at 3 and by "leave" you actually mean "pout.")

This letter is also a textbook example of why Hax recommends extreme caution about moving in together: because problems that would obviously lead to a break-up if you didn't have to untangle all your cookware (a decade ago, your CDs) are allowed to just fester for a few years because change would require effort. As several have suggested, it goes until one person meets someone else.

LW, wouldn't you rather not waste a few more years hoping your pleasant roommate transforms back into the person you thought you knew a few years back? You know him better now: this is him.

She went home for the holidays. When she came back, the BF said he wasn't trans. What happened?

*He* went home for the holidays too. He saw his family, decided he couldn't face telling them, and went back in the closet. The problem hasn't changed--he's just stuck his head back in the sand. (Going to use 'he' here because that seems to be what the BF wants for now).

Yes, some potential MTFs go to gender therapy and decide they're not really trans. Often that happens when they start female hormones. The drop in testosterone decreases libido. If that wipes out the desire to transition, then it's more likely to have been a purely sexual urge, which is more of a cross dresser signifier. If the physical changes caused by the hormones are sheer relief, then that's trans. Does she even have any confirmation from the counselor that he's not trans? Or is that just what he told her so he could edge away from the truth?

This guy's got gender dysphoria so bad he can't stand to use his dick. That's pretty common when your brain is telling you you shouldn't have one. The best thing she can do for him is to get him back in gender therapy. The best thing she can do for herself is--gently, kindly--leave.

@27, bi folks who are no longer interested in their current partners can break up and go look for another opposite-sex relationship. But gay folks don't want that, so if they're also not ready to come out, they may stay too long with their current partner.

I'll happily join the chorus: LW, you're going to eventually meet someone you want to sex up, who also wants to sex you up. When that happens, you're going to want very badly to have stopped dating your current boyfriend some time before that. And this is some time before that!

"I haven't had any desire to sleep with anyone else." In grad school? This might point to a health problem.

"I can’t even remember the last time we actually made out!" - Why are you not making out with your boyfriend? Or why are you not outraged if he is cutting off making out, razoring apart the intimacy! I had a similar reaction to the lack of sex but this was even more sad.

I hope she has a thesis that she's passionate about by now and is through the worst of the transition. Moving cities is quite tough especially as he had to carve out a place while hers was well defined. Overall she seems to know little about important questions like why he wanted to transition & changed his mind & changed sexual responses which points to bad communication. Is she not asking or is he unable to verbalize?

She seems to want sex but not want to talk about it, from the 'afraid of confrontation' and 'happy going without' parts. I think that's a good subject to talk through with a therapist.

I'm with @33. Your ultimatum doesn't have to be "start fucking me or I'm out." Instead, try "I value our relationship too much to let our intimacy issues fester further, so I need you to work with me (and your sex-positive therapist) on figuring this out." Make it about ensuring BOTH of you can be yourselves and get your needs met. You can (and should, imo) be gentle and supportive about it. Whatever the problem turns out to be, this will allow you to maintain the positive aspects of the relationship that you value without sacrificing your own well-being.

18 nails this.

Captain Awkward calls this the 'Sheelzebub Principal'. Which is basically asking yourself how long are you willing to put up with this? Two years? Ten? For the rest of your life? Are you really okay with never having sex again? Having this be 'the new normal'. If the answer is 'no' then you know what you have to do.

Not every relationship lasts forever and not every relationship ending is a tragedy. Ending things will give you a chance to find a partner who wants to fuck you, and it might give him the kick in the ass he needs to get out whatever closet he's shoved himself into.

Ms Erica - That makes sense for some cases. I think it's a principle of mine, though, unless the witness is clearly unreliable, to accept original compatibility, which is close to where my dividing line falls in grey orientation cases. It's hard enough to be dumped or the object of disinterest without having the question put about having been either wrong or naive regarding the original compatibility.

Although it is fun to puzzle about, it doesn't matter why the boyfriend won't kiss her, hold her, have sex with her. The fact is, he doesn't. Frankly I wonder if she has serious self esteem issues or a little closet masochism going on-- Who put up with a "boyfriend" who wont have anything to do with you? Leave!