The photo in that article is perfect - reminds me of the couple in the movie Computer Chess who try unsuccessfully to welcome someone into their relationship.

@1

My exact reaction too - absolutely perfect photo choice. The Onion nails it once again.

By the time I've given time and effor to my job, my family, and--maybe--found a little time for myself, just the thought of trying to find someone outside of the relationship is exhausting. I'll stick with my husband, thanks. I find his company both restful and restorative.

@3, I agree.

I fully admit it. I'm too damn lazy to be in an open relationship. It all sounds so tiring to me.

Funny article however.

Yeah, that's one thing I think when I hear about affairs: who has time for that? I mean, when I'm not at work, my wife knows where I am, and when I'm at work, I'm at work.

I think I've seen this couple at New Horizons

I've told my wife that getting a girlfriend just sounds like more work. It's hard enough keeping her happy, on top of maintaining my job, our toddler, and our house. Why would I take on the additional effort of keeping another woman happy?

@5, My girlfriend and I laugh at the idea that we have someone on the side for similar reasons. I'm either at work or talking to her or with her kids or in her company. I literally have no other time.

And as a young single lady who presumably is a person someone in an open relationship might be interested in dating, I have zero interest in being somebody's secondary partner. It's like all the work of dating but without many of the major benefits, like commitment or having somebody to take care of you if you need it or having a built-in date to painful family functions.

I would venture further to guess that many single women my age feel that way.

Dating someone else who is married works okay... till it doesn't (like most relationships).

@9 If you're a single lady who isn't looking for a committed relationship anyway (which isn't exactly uncommon) then it's not really any different to random hookups, one night stands and FwB arrangements that also don't have those non-sexual benefits a relationship comes with.

I hear ya, KayElle!

I am totally open to polyamory, once I have my own primary partner. I can't handle being someone's second or third in line unless I am someone else's first in line. Sadly, finding a poly partner who doesn't already have a primary is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Actually, finding any guy who is interested in the whole "lifetime commitment" thing is pretty rare.

@12, am I misunderstanding you, or are you being hypocritical? I'm trying to imagine how a world filled with people with your own preconditions could ever make polyamory happen. And the guys interested in lifetime commitment absolutely do exist (I'm one of them) but--surprise!--many of us are already in lifetime commitments.

And @9, I think you should check your assumptions. You can have commitment, somebody to take care of you, and a built-in date, all in an open relationship. But probably not if you've rejected the mere possibility as a foregone conclusion.

And yes, in disclosure: My wife and I are seeking a girlfriend (or wife, really). And finding the search exceedingly difficult. I hadn't really thought about it from this angle before, but I guess these kinds of assumptions are one of our main obstacles.

I don’t want another romantic partner but I do want another sexual partner. Not a problem. I put up a profile on OKC or Craigslist or anywhere, really, directly and articulately explaining what I want and what I can offer. I get married guys who have the same obstacle as I do (can’t host); foreign-born men young enough to be my sons; poly men who want something that sounds a little too demanding; and men in the middle of a life transition of some type who aren’t available for a full-time relationship but who would like to get together with a friend once or twice a month and roll around and feel a little bit in love.

As a woman, it’s really not that hard. The last group are the ones who interest me most but someone else might be more interested in one or more of the other groups. It might be partly an age thing. Men my age are quite familiar with the idea of sexual needs not being fully met within a primary relationship and may have a more nuanced view of what maintaining a primary relationship requires. They may also be confident in their marriages of twenty-five years and not be threatened by the idea of switching things up a bit.

But yeah, I don’t know how being poly works, having more than one *romantic* partner. I tried it over twenty-five years ago and it was exhausting. Works for some but not for me, at all.

I'm female, poly, married to a woman (together 17 years) and in a serious relationship with a man (9 years). I have two kids, a job, friends, and hobbies. Yes, relationships take time, and it's difficult to have a huge number of close romantic relationships. But it's not clear to me why people say they have no time for other relationships. Do those people have friends? Do they have time for them? The amount of time a second romantic relationship takes is not significantly different from a close friendship. In my family we also all spend some time together with our partners' partners, so it's not always a choice between spending time with one person or another. It works fine.

I think many poly people just fall in love easily. If you fall in love easily, without falling out of love with your existing partner, then it's harder to stay out of other romantic relationships.

I think @16 hit the nail on the head. I don't get giggly butterfly feelings for anyone who isn't my toddler daughter. So for me, the thought of having to maintain another relationship is exhausting.

On the other hand, my wife and I are seriously considering having a second kid, which is much, much more work than a second romantic partner. But the prospect of all that work is not exhausting to me, because of the aforementioned kid-related butterfly feelings.

To everyone who claims that they'll never have an affair because they're always either at work, or at home with their spouse:

Where the hell do you think most affairs materialize, anyway? Often, when you start spending way too much time at work, you'll either find yourself alone with someone equally lonely at work, and/or your relationship at home starts to suffer as a result, driving you into the company of someone at work. Or your relationship at home starts to suffer, so you escape by spending more time at work, meeting up with some other lonely person who is also spending way too much time at work, after everyone else has gone home.

Of course, if you work with people you have absolutely nothing in common with, (ie, you're the single IT tech at some Lawyer's office) then your chances go down dramatically.

@no_catchy_name

What's a "first" for you ? Is it a long-term roomate with/without the co-parenting option, or is it someone you're not living with, and whom you don't have sex with very often, but with which you have such a deep relationship that you're sure you'll never sever that link, whatever happens ?

@Alison_Cummins

Your pool of choice would also be mine, if I knew of a way to distinguish the honest polys within a primary poly relationship from the dishonest polys within a mono relationship. Is there such a way ? I wouldn't judge people who don't care for that distinction in their partners, it's well within their rights, but following my own moral code is pretty important for me.

@ 19 - I'd say the solution to your "dishonest poly" problem would be to ask to meet their spouse before doing anything sexual with them. If the answer's "no", no matter what explanation they give you, you know they're not really poly.

sissoucat, my pool of choice is “men in the middle of a life transition of some type who aren’t available for a full-time relationship but who would like to get together with a friend once or twice a month and roll around and feel a little bit in love.” They might be new or temporarily in town, or newly separated. Or they might have mental health limitations that make being someone’s full-time life partner unrealistic or undesirable. Basically, men who are single (can host! regular meetings are possible! no lies!) and who will stay that way for the next while. It’s usually pretty clear when you go to their place that they are bachelors.

Finding someone in that sweet spot of being difficult enough that they can’t commit to a full-time relationship but still in good enough working order to manage occasional good-natured rolling around without drama is not always easy. Some people go with alcoholics, others with people much younger than they are. Newly-divorced men are only newly-divorced for a year; ditto men new in town.

So I might make do with a married man. They aren’t usually poly in the sense of wanting multiple romantic partners. If they are you’ll meet the others, so that at least will be clear.

The married man who has license to wander a little is more difficult. If you’re blunt about what you’re looking for in your ad (married men ok, honesty required) you’ll get a lot of blunt responses. “Thank you for your refreshing honesty! When can we meet? My family comes first so I need to be discreet.” “My wife is away for the weekend, wanna come over and play?” These guys clearly don’t get what “honesty” means and can be eliminated immediately. I usually just ask what their wife thinks about his dating, or where she thinks he is, and men tend to be adorably forthcoming: “Oh no, I would never hurt her by telling her!” “I just told her I was meeting a friend for breakfast. She raised an eyebrow and I winked.” (This last one would be acceptable to me.) Often they are looking for someone to confess to who will understand them and not judge them. If I get a bad feeling I don’t go ahead. I’ve never found out after the fact that I’ve been had.

By posting as and looking for “married and honest” as opposed to “poly” I might be weeding out the poseur polys — the ones who think that “poly” is the hip, positive word for “cheating tomcat.”

EricaP posts as and looks for “poly” and her screening method is very straightforward: meet the wife.

@Alison: not any more, not till I clear the HPV, sigh.

>> I’ve never found out after the fact that I’ve been had. >>

Funny story: I dated a guy (let's call him M) who told me his wife was cool with it (but didn't want to meet M's other women), and M was adorable and into some light BDSM so I said sure. But six months went by and I began to realize that we weren't so compatible in bed. And then it started to bug me that his wife didn't want to meet, and I decided he'd been lying all along.

And then I came down with something (never diagnosed, just weird bumps on the genitals), and I called to let him know, and he reacted badly (ie, he expressed no concern for me, just freaked out about his own health). So I decided not to see him again. About a year later, he texted to let me know that he and his wife were going to this show, and did Mr. P and I want to go too? We did go, and the four of us had a great time hanging out. She'd known all along.

So just goes to show, you never know. Even if you meet the wife, you don't know if she's seething with resentment.

Hey Alison and Erica, thank you so much for the help !

I agree with you Erica on the "meet the wife". My ex-husband did arrange a meet-the-wife with his mistress, I was absolutely seething. But I felt I had no choice but be civil. He was blackmailing me with divorce... and I didn't want that for my kids. 15 months later I was the one who pulled the plug.

But yeah, sex at their pad is something I should look into. And "married with honesty".