i'm confused - she gave him a pass to get a blow job? or give a blow job?

Probably the former, but it doesn't really matter, does it? Unless her poor communication skills are tied to her irrationality...

Gave him a pass to get one from someone else, which is pretty awesome for a first brush w/ monogamish-ness.

Hey @Kimberqueen, if you make it here to see this: It was definitely my experience, when I was last in an open relationship, that done right with good communication & agreements, that first tumble back together after the "hall pass" was extra good. Nothing like reminding your significant other what a good thing they got goin' on at home. It's totally normal to be kinda jealous, LW, but don't let it take you over. I hope your BF treats you like gold, because someone secure enough to go there to begin with is a rare thing.

Dan, you can apply today's advice to any number of situations, & it'll still be the right answer. :D

(Oh shoot, I meant to add..don't take jet lag personally..it can wipe out anybody. & "LW" = Twittergirl/Kimberqueen, obv.)

It sounds as if she should have used her pass first.

No dissent except to hope that pot doesn't become a Prerequisite for All Good Relationships.

Definitely not a prerequisite, but that or a nice glass of wine when people are trying to talk about things that are difficult, can sometimes smooth the rough edges a touch.

Why'd she give him permission to fuck someone else if she really wasn't cool with it yet?

Although maybe she really didn't know she wouldn't be cool with it until it actually happened.

I suppose maybe there's no way to really know if you're cool with it or not until it actually happens. Good learning experience, if nothing else.

Relationships are complicated and emotions are not always rational. Absurdity abounds.

Jealousy is a feeling and you can't control whether you have it or not. You can control whether you act on it or not. Sounds like she's doing pretty well with that.

I love the phrase, "Have you fucked about it yet?" So good. I'm going to remember that for when my monogamish-ness gets off the ground. "Can we make sure to fuck about this when you get back from your date with so and so?"

Simple answer: Don't offer things you are not prepared to give.

Offer someone sexual freedom? Chances are they will take it. Offer a guy sexual freedom? Only a fool would think he would turn it down.

If you aren't prepared to give sexual freedom away, don't offer it. Be careful with your words.

Yes, never lend something you are not prepared to lose. But she was taken by surprise by her reaction.

@11, I offered my guy sexual freedom - a limited time offer, to better know for sure what he wanted - and he almost cried. We brought it up a few times, mostly so he could ask me to never mention the notion again.

Ms Hopkins - As a lifelong abstainer in both, can't say I've had any trouble in that department, but I defer to your superiour expertise.

M? Rules - I wouldn't know as I've never tried, but right away seems perhaps a tad soon.

@11, that's a tad harsh for successful non-monogamy. As @9 said, its not about how you feel, its about how you act. This goes for lots of crummy (and good) emotions.

Sure, someone with a low jealousy threshold will have an easier time of non-monogamy, but as long as you don't make your partner feel bad for something that's not in that person's control, then you're off to a good start. When people do new things, sometimes that's scary. Doesn't mean it wasn't a good thing, or that it will always feel scary.

@14 yes.

I'd be interested in what the LW means by "we tried but were unsuccessful last night and this morning." Assuming Dan is correct that the LW is female, that sounds like it was the guy who was unable to perform. Guilt and anxiety can lead to performance issues while on the hall-pass, and also when coming back to the "home" partner.

>> Weird how an open relationship can bring u closer >>

On an emotional level, admitting one's real desires to each other often brings two people closer. And on a physical level, many people find it hot to think about their partner as a sexual creature, actively wanted by other people, rather than just the goofy guy/gal with whom they share a bathroom.

I agree with Vennominon at 13, 'right away' is too soon. Good way of making yourself feel bad if your partner's already too worn out from fucking someone else, quite apart from other potential weirdness.

@16 " 'right away' is too soon"

Tastes differ. For us, when this was all new and thrilling, it was incredibly hot to do it right away. Hot like threesomes can be hot. But without the awkwardness of the new person in the room at the time.

Fair enough, EricaP, tastes do differ. But phrasing it as a must set off alarm bells for me. I would not want to know I had to be sure to fuck Guy #2 as soon as I came back from Guy #1, whether it sounded hot to me or not. Talk about performance pressure. "Shower before you come home" is a pretty reasonable expectation -- "fuck me right away when you get there" would seem unreasonable as a baseline to a lot of folks.

I don't think we're actually disagreeing -- I doubt you'd want it to be a chore either, you're just saying sometimes it's hot (opposite of chore!).

Ms Erica - In your case, the outside contact was a plus in its own right for the marital relationship. You might have been at the height of your appeal to Mr Erica fresh on your return, which might have made him more appealing to you at that moment, or the idea might just have had particular allure for the pair of you. When the outside encounter is not something the returned-to party would have chosen, that aspect may be diminished.

My first thought was more or less in line with that of M? Fez. Especially if the pass were to do something not done in the relationship, a requirement struck me as likely an attempt to control the outside encounter by possibly requiring the indulger to hold something in reserve and by putting off the processing of the indulgence.

No disagreement, and I'm glad you found it hot.

@Cat in fez & Mr. Ven -- certainly sex shouldn't be a chore or punitive. I got the sense from kellarules @9 that sex upon return from a date would be awesome, so I was chiming in my agreement. Since tastes differ, though, people should check in with their partners first to make sure of their views.

@19 "Ms." or "Mme." Since 'The Honorable' is only for court presentation and visiting cards ;)

@20 Fair enough, we read #9 differently is all.

I myself wouldn't agree to an expectation of sex-upon-return. But I have control issues, so that's my baggage.