Comments

1
Yup. Not worth it, SPANKING. If you've already been pushing the issue and he hasn't responded, then it's not going to happen. This isn't a squick factor, but a trauma factor. Let it go, and be happy with him, and jill off while watching spanking porn.

Or, if you REALLY need it, try a Spanking machine, if you can't really get it from him otherwise. No guarantees from me for quality though. I'm sure there may be others out there.
2
What a selfish obnoxious woman. Can't she triage that kink and look at the bigger picture? I really feel sorry for her husband.
3
I'd let the traumatized PTSD husband off the hook. I don't see how it's possible for you to get enjoyment out of it when you know it's triggering him. For him, it's probably like asking an adult child of abusive alcoholics to try a drink every once in a while. He might be able to physically do it, but he won't enjoy it, probably the opposite, and he'll be scared the whole time - especially if he likes it. If he's been in anger management classes, the violent imagery of his childhood is likely very much with him with him as the perpetrator. He's afraid of becoming a monster for a reason, he knows it's possible for him (it doesn't matter what you think on the subject, you don't live in his head). If it's that important to you, you will go outside of the marriage, and can do so with his permission. If it's not important enough for you to go outside the marriage for, it's not important enough to tear this guy apart about. You don't think he could hurt a fly - he knows differently. He's using restraint to keep from becoming his father. He required training to do so already. He's doing a good job. This isn't something you can reframe. Leave him be.
4
Thanks for making me agree with raindrop, SPANKING.
5
This is an awful thing to ask of this man.
6
Let him do his wimpy spanks for a while and then see if you can't get him to amp it up a little over time when he sees that it's not anything like the crap you guys experienced earlier in life.
7
Hey, Dan, I think you need to read the sign-off again.
8
@7, I agree. I think the LW has issues from her own childhood of beatings, or she would have seen the problem with signing off as a "naughty kid" who wants a spanking from her father.

I don't think she sees spanking simply as an enjoyable physical experience (like a back rub or having her back scratched), or as a fun sexual experience (like being rimmed). I think this is about her childhood issues, and that's also preventing her from understanding how hard she's being on her husband -- because in her mind she's playing the child role, and sees no reason the "child" should protect the "father."

Especially given that she describes her first marriage as a "horror show," I'm thinking she needs more therapy herself before she's healthy enough to start thinking about pushing him to please her, or opening up the marriage.
9
Given your description of his past, I think you should stop trying to change his mind. You're just be making his PTSD all the worse.

GGG is all well and good for reasonably well adjusted adults. But what you are asking is basically triggering your husband. That is way beyond GGG.
10
Do paddles with squeaky toys in them exist? That could be silly enough to get him away from the trauma aspect. Otherwise, LW is just going to have to let go of this and just move it into the realm of solodex material.
11
Oh for fucks sake. Seven registered comments and six of them tell the woman to just forget her own desires, with several hurling sexist, trollish insults. (By the way, EricaP, I think you should stop playing psychiatrist. I enjoy the same sort of spanking the letter writer has asked for--and I had a lovely, abuse-free childhood.) Dan's advice was great; and remember the woman herself admitted that she might just have to forget this kink in light of her husband's history. Fine. We can't always get what we want. But why all the vitriol?
12
Given that her husband has been "in a variety of therapy over the years" this may be a good fit for couple's counseling.

Having an outsider, paraphraser and referee can help make charged discussions much easier and more productive; it still may be a kink too far, but shouldn't be a conversation too hurtful.
13
@ 11, this is my first time commenting but I thought I'd jump in. I don't think there's much vitriol or sexism here but there is a little bit of exasperation with the LW. I think once the letter was written, the LW could probably have read it back to herself and realised that she already knew the answer. If it was a man writing I think there might have been a stronger response!
14
I have to agree with 11. May be she is being pushy, but it's clear this is something important to her happiness. Her husband isn't the only one with trauma and his feelings aren't the only ones that matter. {And why is everyone overlooking her abusive past and focusing on his}?

My question would be why not go outside the marriage to get this need filled? If her husband gave his blessing would that help? This really sounds like a problem that could dealt with by hiring a dom.
15
That really seems like something you can ratchet up over time. Maybe he can't spank hard enough without feeling disturbed now, but maybe he can get halfway there now and eventually get the heavier spank going in the future.
16
@10 - Or a ping pong paddle
17
@11 We're talking about play violence. Regardless of SPANKME's feelings towards it (whether they're based in trauma or sexual friskiness), or even my own feelings towards it, the real issue is LW's husband's feelings towards it. If he doesn't want to participate in what he sees as play violence for very personal and psychological reasons then I think we should respect that.

Similarly, if a girl had been kidnapped with handcuffs, and she married a guy who discovered he liked using handcuffs, I wouldn't expect her to happily indulge his S&M fantasies because of her traumatic past. While spanking may not be considered a kink too far to most, there are extenuating circumstances that I think make this a kink too far for him. If she's unwilling to go outside the marriage for her kink, then it's either a spanking machine or spanking porn for her.
18
This seems like one of those kinks that should be worked out before two people walk down the aisle, not mentioned a few years out. (Or if this is a case of "it began as a fantasy a few years ago, and then I wanted a few taps, and then I wanted to be spanked hard... but I'll totally stop short of bruising in my escalation of this kink!" that last bit shouldn't be taken seriously.)

I didn't even notice the sign off until others pointed it out, but: cringe. Assuming she came up with that and not Dan, she is really not thinking this through at all and the kink is squarely in the abuse of weaker person by an authority figure frame, which is very obviously going to be a trigger for her husband.

And I think giving and receiving pain is allowed to be a hard line even without childhood trauma.
19
@14: Oh yeah, "dear, would you mind if I went over to this guy I met on a chat room and we then had coffee, seems like a real nice guy, and he'll give me a spanking that will just float may boat. You don't mind, do you hon?"

This woman is a total narcissist. With a little creative thinking they could so something not gut wrenching for him that would both get them off.
20
@14 She's obviously not triggered by it. She doesn't seem to have PTSD, or else she would understand what she's asking of him. People can undergo the same childhood conditions and not end up with the same mental health issues, happens all the time to siblings. The guy has had trouble with anger control issues and has PTSD - i.e. can be triggered. She wants him to dabble in what he sees (and clearly feels) is violence. There is no workaround.

@10 I'd imagine if he was beaten as a child, that's not going to be that far removed from things he was beaten with. The very act of hitting is probably the issue.

"He wouldn't hurt a fly" - inside every one of us, there is the capacity for intense uncontrollable violence. Most of us are lucky enough to never have to realize that. Your husband has not been so blessed.
21
This isn't a case of piling on the wife, but of trying to get her to see what she's asking of her husband. He has told her repeatedly that he "can't go" to spanking; he's taken classes in anger management; he's terrified of turning into his dad. The lw describes him as having PTSD, and yet she's still trying to "convince" him, and is calling in outsiders to help give her suggestions for how she can get him to change his mind. Forcing him to spank her would be traumatizing to him, and she knows this and knows why this is. Knowing what she knows, her attitude is reprehensible.

She needs to either let the spanking interest go or leave this marriage, if having her husband spank her is so important to her.

She says she can't/ doesn't want to consider going outside the marriage to get this desire met, and I trust that she has legitimate reasons for this. Maybe her husband absolutely will not agree to any amount of openness; maybe she find the idea of not having all her needs met by her husband abhorrent; maybe "cheating" on her husband is her trigger.
And anyway, she just wants the physical sensation of being spanked, she doesn't claim she wants to be totally dominated--a pro Dom is unnecessary, expensive, and likely to dismiss her request as not being what he provides.

I don't know if she created the sign off, but if her desire to be spanked contains any psychological aspect of fathers and daughters, she is asking him to relive his worst moments, from the abuser's point of view. This is unfair.
22
The people psycho-analyzing and condemning the LW are full of shit. This woman has the right to her kinks, she has the right to ask her husband, and he has the right to say no. It sounds like LW's husband would really LIKE to indulge her, but can't do it. He attempts to spank her, he's working on his related stuff in therapy, they've talked about it--not argued. I think it's pretty darn reasonable if the LW is really into this kink to be asking if there's anything she can do to *help* her husband get over this justifiably big hang up.

In fact, I'd go one step farther. I'm going to commend SPANKING for owning up to this kink and going after it. It is so freaking scary to have a history of some kind of abuse and then, guess what, you get turned on by a related type of play abuse during sex. She seems totally clear on what it is she wants and how that's separate from her past, and that's a really healthy thing.

As someone who has PTSD from multiple types of abuse, I know that there are plenty of kinks where I just can't go there. As fate would have it, I also ended up with some power dynamic related kinks, which may or may not have anything to do with my abusive past. My boyfriend is very wary of triggering me while indulging my kinks, because the line between exciting sex and emotional break down is really fine sometimes, and only I know where the line is for sure.

My advice for SPANKING:

1. Ask your husband if he's okay that you two are continuing to talk about this or if he needs you to drop it. There's a key difference between pushing someone who does not want to be pushed and talking something out so that they eventually come around.

2. If he gives the okay to keep talking, TALK A LOT. Talk about what you like about it, how it's different from your past, from his past. Talk about boundaries, safe words, the difference between your dynamic during play violence and sex and the during the rest of your relationship. Talk about feelings, thoughts, worries, fears. Get it all out in the open.

3. Give him time. A lot of it. Maybe assume you'll never get this met and do what you need to do to cope with that. One day, after lots of therapy and conversations and stability, he might be able to go there if you're lucky.
23
[ I think he's an amazing person and don't think he could hurt a fly.]

Magical thinking at best.
24
@17 I agee with you. I thought from the outset that the LW probably wouldn't be able to get her fantasy met within the marriage considering her husband's trauma; and sometimes that's just the way it has to be. (Your example, of a previously kidnapped woman not wanting to engage in S&M, is apt.) However, I don't think she's a terrible person for having desires and wanting her husband to explore them with her. I'm looking at you, @2 & 19--I don't think she deserves to be called "selfish," "narcissistic," or "obnoxious." I think it was okay for her to ask to be spanked, and I appreciate her husband trying--she said he slaps her butt now and then, just not as much as she'd like. That was brave and loving of him, and maybe it's all he can bring himself to do. #19, I'm with you when you mention "creative thinking." I'd tell the wife not to give up; keep things as light and playful as possible, look at videos, and don't bring this issue up very often. Time may make her husband more comfortable with this, but if not, treasure the the parts of your relationship that are working well.
25
@ 21, Reprehensible? Bit harsh.. I see LW has been clear of her care and love for her man.. She is just articulating something she wants. People can master their impulses. People can get past their parents. This man seems to be doing this already..in relationships with children and his wife.
Maybe best LW can do, is to let him clearly know ( again), this is what she would like, occasionally, and leave it with him. Trust if he can master this part of his psyche, that he will.
26
@25: I'm not calling her selfish or narcissistic or obnoxious, but yes, reprehensible. Not for having the desires, not for initially bringing them up, but for continuing to try to force him to do something he finds traumatizing, when she knows exactly how traumatizing he finds it and exactly why. She's asked; he's tried; he's explained that he can't do it, and she knows why. All well and g-g-good. Leave him alone already.

If this was gender-flipped no one would be on the husband's side.
27
By the way #21, I don't think her sign-off was asking her husband to "relive his worst moments from the abuser's point of view;" I think she was just trying to come up with a set of words that spelled Spank Me. What word would have been better for the K? Calm down.
28
@26. Disagree. If a man had presented himself, with the same kind words as LW,I don't think it would be different.
People are traumatized by all sorts of things, yet there is therapy available to help people overcome their fears, their triggers.
So they are masters of their own lives, not the fears generated by others..
An out of left field thought came to me, after reading a post above. Obviously written by someone who has worked with and thru their own trauma. What if LW suggested to her husband, that he practice on inanimate object/ soft toy or similar.
And the feelings that would come up for him, she could witness. Or even in a therapy situation/ somewhere he would feel he has safety.. Then, over time, these feelings, could be worked thru. Could be mastered.
29
@22 Awesome post. I would add to step 2: talk about what exactly you like about your spanking fantasies, and what specifically bothers him about spanking, to work in a compromise direction. Maybe you like attention to your butt cheeks, and grabbing firmly could substitute? Maybe he wouldn't mind a spanking by a pro, as long as he could step in and enjoy the effects afterward? You can try to just drop it and "get over" what you want, but you may feel frustrated, and he may feel inadequate. I'm unable to get over the things that I love about sex. I can refrain from communicating to my partner about them. For years in some cases. But it's distancing. I'm not sure it's ever been the right decision.

The signoff was tactless, k is for kinky! or kissing or keeper or knotty.
30
@19 Yeah I don't see what's wrong with that. If the husband can't fulfill this need why not look to someone else? I've never been fan of expecting a romantic partner to fufill every possible need.

@20 She may have her own issues related to her abuse, that she didn't mention them doesn't mean they aren't there. I agree that if this is triggering for her husband she should drop it, but I'm not going to view her as a 'bad person' for having this kink or talking about it.
31
All this vitriol is disturbing. They might not be a good match, but shaming this woman as a narcissist and whatnot goes too far. If she just wanted sex, and the husband, for whatever reason, was too traumatized to have sex with her, and she was frustrated because of it, I wonder if the reaction would have been the same.
32
Just to lighten the mood, the new Black Keys Album is pretty cool.
33
Gotta remember, here in Australia, it's 9.03pm, Tuesday.
34
@27: Slowly Playing At New Kink. That one took me about 30 seconds. She could also have gone with Wants A Spanking or some other variation that, while shorter, wouldn't have placed "I want to be hit by an authority figure because I'm just such a naughty powerless person" as the shorthand of what she wants. That framing is just full of triggers for her partner.

@31: That would still fall under "work it out before marriage, for heaven's sake." She is the one with the newly arrived (or revealed) kink that her partner has trouble with, so your analogy would be better phrased "my new kink is a complete loss of interest in sex. My husband has tried to indulge this, but he really really can't get into it. How can I reframe this for him so he'll try more?"

@28: People are traumatized by all sorts of things, yet there is therapy available to help people overcome their fears.
How is this not getting someone into a committed relationship with you, then trying to change them into someone else? I agree with Dan's rule about not dating until you are in reasonable emotional shape; the flip side of that is not dating people you perceive to be inadequate while telling them that therapy will turn them into the person with the correct set of matching kinks.

If someone doesn't want to experience or receive pain, it's not a sign that they need to get to therapy and work through whatever issues might cause them to not have the matching kinks their sex partner has decided they need.
35
@30: Yeah I don't see what's wrong with that. If the husband can't fulfill this need why not look to someone else? I've never been fan of expecting a romantic partner to fufill every possible need.

Are you really claiming not to know that monogamous people exist? They do. There are kind of a lot of us, y'know. It's surprising that you haven't noticed by now. We're not exactly hidden. If you don't see that, it doesn't mean we don't exist, it means you're not good at seeing.

36
@31 Can't argue with that, figuring that stuff out before marriage is something every adult should do.
37
@20: gnot, you should register, so your thoughtful posts don't blend in with the trolls.

@26: I'm not so sure she's reprehensible--the lack of a time frame in the letter seems significant. For all we know, she first brought up spanking last week, and writing the letter is the first time she's really thought about it. You're entirely right that she ought to have stopped pushing right away, but I got the impression that her misconduct here isn't so much reprehensible as inept.

If this was gender-flipped no one would be on the husband's side.

Sadly, yeah. And the inevitable insinuation that he was a rapist would have happened in the first 20 comments, as it almost always does.
38
Damn, that was @34
39
raindrop, maybe lay off the LW a bit. She's not a narcissist (at least, the letter doesn't indicate that). She's trying to find a way to get something she wants without doing psychological harm to her husband.

SPANKME - I had similar issues as your husband. My wife got me into the whole spanking thing by generously rewarding me (verbal rewards, like "you're making me so wet for you" work very well) for very light slaps. I started to associate spanking with pleasing her, and now we're good to go.
40
@27 (S. Kelley): I wasn't responding to the word "kid" in the sign off in my posgt @21; I was responding to those who were reading an incest or parent/child dynamic into the letter because of the sign off. In fact, I believe that Dan occasionally or frequently creates the sign off himself (I once sent a message to him with no clever sign off, but with my full name instead--inadvertently--and he created one for me. The fact that her acronym spells out "spankme" suggests that she is the person who chose it, because it's unlikely that Dan would bother to try and choose one that spells out the message, but we can't be certain)

Here's what I said: I don't know if she created the sign off, but if her desire to be spanked contains any psychological aspect of fathers and daughters, she is asking him to relive his worst moments, from the abuser's point of view. This is unfair.

My point is that if she just wants the physical sensation of the smack, that might be something he could work up to (though I think it's already too triggering for him, and it seems as though he's tried it more than once and simply can't), but if what she really wants is a power dynamic mixed in with the spanking: of her being a naughty girl who needs to be spanked, then that is really going to be casting him as a character very like the one who brutalized and traumatized him. Maybe this could be cathartic for some, but if he lives in fear of becoming that man--as it sounds like is the case--then it seems likelier that it would be deeply disturbing to him.
41
As someone who (1) enjoys giving and receiving spanking AND (2) has worked with a lot of kids in abusive homes as well as adult survivors of severe abuse, I say this w/o judgment of the underlying desire to be spanked: this woman needs therapy individually and the couple needs therapy together.

This type of desire in this type of marital situation (i.e., both abuse victims) can lead to trauma for both of them as individuals and completely destroy their marriage.

The desire to be spanked isn't per se harmful or shameful, but it's not something that they can explore in the same way two persons who had never experienced abuse would be able to do. To pretend otherwise is really naive or self-serving.

If she continues to pursue this desire like a bull in a China shop, she's going to cause permanent damage to the marriage and possibly significant harm to her own sexuality.

I've seen plenty of couples with abuse in the past successfully navigate hardcore BDSM relationships, but it has to be done in baby steps and usually with sex-positive counseling.

So, OP, if you are reading this, please don't give up on the desire, but please don't force it on your DH. If you can afford sex-positive counseling to work out how to proceed based on your own needs and your own psyche and that of your DH (i.e., personalized advice), then please do so. If not, sit down with DH and have a talk about the desire and how you could test the waters without traumatizing either or both of you. Be as calm and non-blamey as possible when explaining yourself and listen to his concerns with empathy, rather than listening to them and simultaneously trying to figure out how to overcome them and get what you want - because the important thing is that you both maintain the loving relationship you have.
42
IPJ-

" That would still fall under "work it out before marriage, for heaven's sake."

Normally, I'd agree with this. The caveat is that for persons who grew up sheltered; persons who grey up in heteronormative repressive cultures or sub-cultures or households (but are not heteronormative themselves); and persons who grew up in abusive households or were victims or rape or abuse, the process of self-discovery is life-long.

In a proper home and culture, the majority of people will come to an understanding of their own sexuality and needs sometime before age 30 or at least 35. (Some of us who are lucky enough do so during the onset of puberty).

For abuse victims, this process is often stunted. The time-frame in which a non-abuse victim would be exploring their own kinks pre-marriage (e.g., college and early adulthood), is for many abuse victims a time of healing. The exploration can only come after a lot of self-care.

So, in the case of the LW, I'd give her a pass.
43
Like ABW, I think I'd give her a pass--and I don't think I'm doing it just because she's a woman. She maybe shouldn't push as much as she might have, but she also seems to be willing to accept that this is the price of admission.

Though I agree that if what she actually wants is roleplaying, not just the physical sensation, then she could stand to be a lot more upfront about that.
44
"I would like this man to do something he thinks is horrible but can't reframe my idea about not getting spanked outside of marriage." Mmmkay. Anyway, I know spanking has a negative connotation for him, but what if they'd both been raped PIV, PIA? Would that be verboten forever too? Who's letting asses ruin activities for the rest of their lives?
45
What the hell are you on about Eudaemonic? I know poly people exist. I was just commenting on the belief I see that once you're married your spouse must be everything to you. Best friend, family, therapist, cook, dom or sub, etc. and saying that sometimes it's okay to outsource these needs.
46
@40 I think far too many people are reading way, way too much into her sign off signature and using it as an excuse to paint her a horrible person.
47
@45: What the hell are you on about Eudaemonic? I know poly people exist.
I know you know poly people exist, you dolt; it wasn't polyamory you were claiming not to know about. You're writing as though monogamy is a foreign notion to you. So, a primer: Mono people exist. We are, in fact, pretty common, so there's no excuse not to know about us. It's the opposite of poly, not a synonym. We don't outsource sexual needs.
It's okay to not share someone else's orientation, but claiming that someone else's orientation doesn't exist is pretty douchey. Since you're being hugely douchey, I decided to answer your questions in the spirit in which they were asked.
You asked:
If the husband can't fulfill this need why not look to someone else?
It seems like you meant that as a rhetorical question, when the answer is because she or her husband is monogamous. Since that possibility apparently hadn't occurred to you, I helped you. You're welcome.
48
My wife wanted me to Dom her, but I was scared shitless due to my past. My mother, my best female friend, my first love, and waay too many other women I knew and cared about were all victims of rape, and this painful awareness was with me from a young age,

It took time and communication, some tears and some self discovery, and most importantly some examples of loving couples dominating each other for me to finally be able to separate who I was, and who I was afraid I would or could be if I 'went there' and took control and 'had my way' in the bedroom.

We've never been happier, and I have put away my fears of being 'the bad guy' because I have confronted them.

Baby steps and exploration in this area could prove quite healthy for the husband - even if difficult. The good thing about a marriage is that you can take time and baby steps, and people grow and evolve. Or at least they should.

49
Having been taking point missing lessons from raku Eudaemonic? Why would you think that's a okay way to speak to me or anyone else? I'm sorry that you concept of monogamy is so fragile that the very idea of your partner having a life outside you scares you. Or that you somehow thinking spanking = sex. Maybe you could buy a dictionary or watch some porn so you can learn what sex actually is?

You really should work out these deep-set emotional issues with a therapist. It's sad that you're clearly not getting the help you need. I feel so very sorry for you and your bitter and fulfilling life. I hope one day you find happiness.

As it stand like everyone else you've ever met I'm going to stop interacting with you. It's just not worth it.
50
Overanalyzing, slut-shaming and demonizing feminine sexuality, just because the lw has some baggage. Why is everyone so quick to make her the bad guy?

She likes spankings. So what? Even if it was related to her past, at least she's channeling her baggage in some way. That's much better than letting all those power issues fester and rot until she falls apart or has a breakdown. No need to pathologize her sexuality.

Let's not confuse the issues here. Her issues are separate from his- he's an adult and she's not responsible for fixing his life. All she can do is try to negotiate her needs with respect to his comfort zone. It's not wrong for her to want what she wants. They are both grownups.

I'm not saying he has to agree to spank her if it's going to leave him curled up in a fetal position. What I do think is that no one gets to slut-shame her or act like she's a crazy manipulative, pushy, bitch when she tries to express her sexual desires to her own husband. She's allowed to own her sexuality and ask for what she wants, just like anyone else.

They could do some experimenting to see what works. If he's not into spanking, maybe they could try something else to spice things up in the bedroom. Perhaps a blindfold, light bondage, clamps, or something along those lines. No hitting, but still the element of power play.
51
@44: What if they'd both been raped PIV, PIA? Would that be verboten forever too?

No PiV would be something to work out before marriage, as it comes standard for straight couples. (This does not mean it is legally mandated, just that you should expect a longer discussion than 'yeah, I'm not into that so no.') And if they married with an understanding of no PiV (or anything else) then it's the person who changed their mind who needs to accept that their partner might actually have meant it. As with anything else, the assumption that things you dislike will suddenly be fixed after you marry is bound to lead to disappointment.

PiA seems like something one can be not-into. If your partner develops an interest down the road GGG means you listen to them, don't call them a sick pervert, and consider whether this is something you can try and under what circumstances. And their being GGG means they can take 'no' for an answer.

I am deeply frustrated by the idea that if you develop an interest in (necrophilia/ anal/ extra people/ adult baby/ pain/ furries/ etc) and your partner has not had a matching change of heart, the correct answer is to tell your partner to get some therapy so they will start doing what you just decided you now want them to do, which is different from what you wanted back when you agreed to get married. And no one should have to cite childhood trauma to get permission to say and mean "no."

(And everyone changes over time, so this will come up in contexts other than sex over the course of a marriage.)

52
@46: I really don't see her called horrible so much as naive. As Erica suggested, seems like something where if she thought out how to explain things, typed it all out, then read the letter again, she'd realize the answer.

Following off 48, there seems to be a standard rule for successfully suggesting these things that goes "Mention an interest, listen to partner's answer, if it's 'no' you can leave it on the table in a low key way as something you'd like to try in some form if they change their mind later, and then drop it." This only works if you accept that their answer might stay 'no,' i.e. respect that answer.

And if they do later decide it's something they could try in a limited way, do backflips to make the whole thing positive for them and be delighted with baby steps, not whiny that every detail didn't match your fantasy of how you wanted it to happen. That last bit is a cost of having sex with other people and not just by yourself.
53
@49: I think it extremely unlikely she wrote to Dan Savage because she views spanking as completely unrelated to sex.

Or that she won't consider going outside the marriage because she wouldn't hire someone to mow the lawn and this is like lawn mowing, something only doable with the spouse, rather than like sex, something doable only with the spouse in this particular marriage. Wanting an exclusive romantic and sexual partner does not mean someone has no friends, will not hire a therapist, will not order takeout for dinner, will not hire household help, will not consider going anywhere without their partner, etc.
54
IPJ @52, actually that was busy_quilting, @13. Though I do agree with the idea, and with the rest of your post.

@39 also has good advice.

55
@53 I admit I was being cavalier in my response. It's entirely possible that she wants this to be someone shared between her and husband and doesn't want to bring in another person, which is completely understandable.

I think she needs to ask herself 'how much does she need this'? Is she okay going her whole marriage without spanking? And doing so without resentment? Is reading watching spanking porn enough? If it's not can she get the sensation some other way?

Another poster brought up that if she likes pressure on her ass would a good grope session be something he can do?

Husband needs to meet her half-way too. Be willing to listen without using his trauma as an 'I win' button. Be willing to examine his position and be open to trying different things. Being honest about his feelings and knowing there's a difference between 'this hurts me' and 'this is awkward/uncomfortable'.
56
I think LW might be able to get what she wants, and her husband might end up OK with it. Here's why and how.

I think her husband's view of spanking may be exactly what he got as a child. Of course he can't do that. It's mean, and vicious.

But spanking can be playful and loving. I recommend going to youtube and pulling up "euphoric tendencies." This ten minute video (exerpts from a play put on by Actors Repertory Theater) is charming and funny and sweet, and it might just give LW's husband a much more positive view of spanking. (The real fun starts around 3:30.)

Best of luck, spankme!
57
@49: Why would you think that's a okay way to speak to me or anyone else?

Because you're the kind of person who thinks monogamy is something to be cured, perhaps? Also because you're the kind of person who tries to ask rhetorical questions that actually have very obvious answers, as you've now demonstrated repeatedly. It's okay to talk to those people like they're idiot children.
58
@22 Have you been asked to engage in kinks by your bf that you aren't comfortable with and trigger you? I feel like maybe your situation is more like the wife's than the husbands in this case. It's your kinks you are working towards, kinks you want and are motivated to overcome obstacles to at a level you simply could not be were they someone else's kinks. I also don't get the impression you have difficulty with an inability to control rage.

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