Tough love answer, Dan, but correct, except for not suggesting she get therapy also. If she is that neurotic about her exes she sure needs it.

Further evidence for why, after a breakup, you should cut off all contact with your ex for a length of time equal to half the duration of the relationship plus one month.

Then the day after we broke up, one of my ex-boyfriends died. I was a total mess for months and completely incapable of dealing with the breakup, which was hard for the guy I'd just broken up with.

It was after she broke up with him. What obligation did she have at that point to help him "deal" with it? Oh right. None.

And how nice of him not to be supportive of her when she lost someone she cared about.

@3 - Well, it can't have been easy on him. After all, he had just had been was raped.

Ovarie up, cut him loose, and give yourself time to forget about him. He's in the past, leave him there.

There is a reason ex-lovers often don't keep in touch. It's easier for both parties.

I remember this one. Oh, the drama! the drama! on all sides. How tiring. Does it make the sex better?

@6: It makes everything better.

@4:You made me spit water at my screen.

He accused me of raping him—saying that he'd consented to sex with the understanding that we'd be together forever, and when we broke up, I violated the terms of the agreement under which he had consented to have sex with me.

Oh my god. I just realized that every single time I had sex with my now ex-husband over 22 years of marriage, he was raping me. Or maybe I was raping him. Especially during that last year or so when I knew in my heart I didn't want to be with him forever but we hadn't yet talked about splitting up.
What's the next step? Do I turn myself in to my local police department? How long is the statue of limitations on rape anyway? Maybe all my rapes of the first decade at least are no longer prosecutable.

I would disagree with one point: Dan suggests that she send him one last email or make one last call, presumably for closure. No matter what the content, no matter what words she uses, he will take that bit of contact as affirmation that she is listening to him, and interpret that to mean he should keep trying. LW, if you are listening, JUST STOP HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

Oh--and if he has made any threats in writing (in email or facebook messages), whether those threats have to do with attempting suicide or publicly branding her as a rapist, the LW needs to turn those over to the police NOW.

@9 (Clayton): Remember that this letter was first published in 2011.

"I have no interest in getting back together..."
You don't say!

@9: Closure for her, entirely independent of his wishes

This letter is a prime example of letters I hate to see republished. Without an update, a followup, it just begs the question, WTF happened?

Did the ex-BF kill himself? (Why not?) Did the LW cut him off? Is anyone happier today? Have they moved the fuck on?

Too many questions to just enjoy the letter republished as is.

"Then the day after we broke up, one of my ex-boyfriends died. I was a total mess for months and completely incapable of dealing with the breakup, which was hard for the guy I'd just broken up with."

I know she's young, but this just wants to make me slap her. And him. And whoever put in their minds that the person who is supposed to help you get over a breakup is the person who broke up with you.

There is one critical concept here: You can revoke consent for a sexual act anytime before, or even during, the act occurring. You cannot revoke consent after it happened.

"I thought you said you would marry me" isn't the same thing as "I took that drink you handed me and you had drugged it and raped me while I was passed out" or "You were polite all night during the date, but as soon as you got into my apartment you held me down and forced me to do it".

On the off chance the LW is reading this I doubt the other ex's death was your fault. There's a good chance that being BFF's with him wouldn't have saved his life.

This guy is using your misplaced guilt and grief as weapon against you and that itself is enough reason to cut him off.

@16: Was the spell "ARISE CHICKUN" or "RAVIOLI RAVIOLI GIVE ME THE FORMUOLI"?

I'll just agree with Mr Savage and move on.

@20: I always wonder about those people who clutch onto all their exes for dear life. Glad you dropped off the list.

I admit I try to keep in contact with my exs even though I know that it's not the brightest idea. I just don't click with a lot of people at all, so eliminating some of the few that I actually like in more than vague terms seems like overkill. It has led to some awkward periods in my life though.

@20, thanks for that perspective :-). I imagine the Big Secret was that she was a retrospective rapist.

@22: I don't think anyone's saying you should be forced to not talk to any of your exes, just that you should hopefully be able to bond with persons you're not romantically intimate with. It's another valuable life-skill :p

@14 (agony): "And [slap] whoever put in their minds that the person who is supposed to help you get over a breakup is the person who broke up with you."

I remember a few years ago Dan calling this phenomenon "stage 4 Lesbianism." This couple may have been straight, but they sure had that disease!

Dan, thanks for the info about the possible perils of facials. You probably don't remember, but a few years ago my hockey-player then-FWB pal shot a huge load directly into my right eye -- not on purpose, it just happened during some happily athletic sex. My eye swelled up and turned bright red. Not knowing where to turn in our little Alaska town I emailed you and got some good info and practical advice back. The cute hockey player has moved on to other guys but the advice has stuck with me and I still appreciate it. Here's encouraging you to continue dispensing nuts-and-bolts (um, so to speak) STD advice in the column!

@12 - a letter like that can provide closure for the crazy ex too - not the outcome they want, but a bit of finality about where the thing ends, ie, she won't ever speak to you again, and continued attempts at contact are harassment. From the sounds of it though (@20), they were both a little crazy.

@28: "a letter like that can provide closure for the crazy ex too"

Maybe! But it's never good to expect anything like that. And yeah, sounds from both stories as if she's keeping these guys around for reasons that have nothing to do with protecting the guys' best interests.

I don't mind it when Dan republishes a letter from long ago, even though I've been reading long enough, and consistently enough, to almost always remember the original. Part of the interest is seeing how today's readers respond.

BUT ... I think it would be awesome every time he does that to have a follow-up with the original writer. I always read the comments hoping the original writer chimes in. Most of the ones he gets these days are probably by email so it shouldn't be too hard (not like the old USPS days) to send and receive a follow-up response.

I bet either Dan or an intern already goes through to find likely candidates for reprinting. He could gather a whole bunch (or have an intern gather them for him) and then could bang out 20 emails in an afternoon every few weeks explaining he is considering re-running the letter and asking for an update. Even if only 10% respond (I bet it would be higher), it wouldn't take too much effort to quickly build a stockpile of "new, improved, value-added" re-runs.

Just a thought.....

Kevin BGFH @30: There IS a follow-up this time. The unregistered poster at @20 wrote, saying he was the current (non-crazy) BF in the letter.

But, yeah, reruns with follow-up, especially by the original LW would be much more interesting. And since letters arrived by email and there are legions of TSARY to cast a net for updates, it does seem very doable.

And/or run a poll on the letters that readers would most like to see a follow-up on. Some won't be reachable or wouldn't want to respond, but some would.

#20s follow-up seems to confirm my original thoughts on the LW--that she's a self-important attention whore who is less worried about the feelings of her exes than she is with continuing to receive their attention and validation after she's broken up with them.

Speaking as somebody with anxiety issues, I know the letter writer isn't holding on to her neuroses for fun. Nobody does, umnless theyre faking it.What she needs is a therapist who will help her dvelop tools to overcome her anxieties.