Comments

1
I think the downside to telling his wife to stop drinking is that she would probably expect him to do the same. In any case, Marijuana is significantly less harmful than alcohol. I think his big mistake was thinking that his spouse would be more tolerant AFTER marriage. Bad plan, dude.
2
Yeah, my first thought is that most people consume recreational drugs. Even people who say that they don't rarely actually avoid caffeine. Do you drink coke/pepsi? Eat chocolate? You are a recreational drug user. So, stop thinking of recreational drug use as inherently bad, and start thinking about when is it and isn't it bad and what effects do various drugs have on people and you specifically? I personally am very sensitive to caffeine and it causes me various health problems. I watch people regularly drink amounts of caffeine that would be vastly harmful to me. But that's fine, because they're not me, and it isn't actually causing them problems.
3
If she still keeps freaking out, he should suggest she get counseling. Not marriage counseling, issue counseling. Because she has issues that really need to be worked out.
4
For once, I disagree with Dan.

Some people have psychological triggers. They can be anything. That's just life. If you chose to marry this person, knowing that drug use was a trigger for her, then you owe it to her to respect that. That's just the compassionate and loving thing to do.
5
By the way, if you want a great way to ensure that your wife never goes to counseling, tell her that she should go because you want to smoke marijuana.

Counseling only works if you're bought in. No one wants to feel like someone else is judging their rate of therapeutic progress. To the contrary, what your wife needs from you is your unconditional love and support, and to know that you will not love her any less even if she's never comfortable with your drug use.
6
@4 - ahhh but it wasn't THAT drug, it's ANY drug, despite the fact that she uses a more harmful drug recreational herself.
7
Triggers don't always make sense. Some people are triggered by purple walls. Some people are triggered by living in a city, and other people are triggered by living in the woods. Some people are triggered by flying but have no problem with driving.

Unless alcohol use is actually a trigger for OP, this kind of tit-for-tat argument is not going to accomplish anything except making both partners angry and resentful. No one wants their spouse to call them a hypocrite.
8
@4: Yeah, no:

I told her very honestly that if marijuana was legal I would probably try it again. She has freaked the fuck out each time. But before we got married, this issue came up and she said—after a day of soul searching—that she would try to be more tolerant of my past and current desires.
9
Seriously? I'm with @4 (and 5, having been yelled at once by a guy who beat his girlfriend in public that I'd be much nicer if I smoked pot). His desire to smoke pot seems more important than his wife's feelings, which is lame. This isn't sex, this isn't money, it's pot. If my partner had serious challenges with some substance I would absolutely respect their request to keep it the fuck away from them. Even coffee, if negotiated. EVEN COFFEE.

And the challenge to give up liquor is disingenuous. Pot matters to her. Alcohol doesn't matter to him. Instead of encouraging him to honor the relationship and make a little sacrifice, Dan, you're pushing this absurd tit-for-tat baloney.
10
You should chop up some vitamin C or aspirin and let her "accidentally" catch you snorting it off a mirror.
11
@9,

I'd be willing to give up using something in the presence of my partner, like if my boyfriend had diabetes, I wouldn't flaunt a hot fudge sundae in front of him, but if he demanded that I never eat sugar even on my own time when he isn't around, that would be a deal breaker. That is controlling behavior.
12
I think this is a total crap answer from Dan.

Some people are never going to be ok with (choose one: drugs/alcohol/extramarital sex/clowns), and the problem isn't that they are intolerant, it's that sometimes people think there are loopholes and get involved with people who are a terrible fit. I think the wife made a HUGE mistake in saying she would "try" to be more tolerant of his past and present desires, but the husband is a douche extraordinaire because he knew from long before they were married that this would be a huge stressor to her. Now he's acting like a spoilt brat, and looking for validation so he can just do what he wants (with a nod to understanding why his wife is so upset about it, like that gives him extra reason to do exactly what she cannot tolerate being around).

I am not against pot, but it sounds like this guy got into a marriage with constraints that he knew damned well he wasn't interested in, and that's not really fair to either of them. I can't see this relationship lasting.

And I agree with @9 that the liquor challenge is complete BS in this case.

13
I get it, keshmeshi, I really do, and if she's controlling everywhere else, there's a major problem. But her reaction here tells me that it's not worth it and that healing from her childhood and feeling safe is way more important than his toking up.
14
Fnarf, I'm going to pinch you hard next time I see you.
15
Jt @9 : I thought I loved my spouse more than anything but apparently not. If it really came down to a choice between him and coffee, I think I might take the coffee. Honestly I'm not sure how long our happily ever after would last without caffeine anyway.
16
@4/9/12: If she wants to avoid the evil tendrils of drug use, she needs to deal with sobriety.
17
Did no one else see the irony of the wife going on rage benders (while apparently sober) because of she doesn't know how to deal with the pain of a family member's substance-fueled rage benders?

This is the wife's pain; she needs to figure out how to deal with it rationally (therapy would help; Alanon too). Putting others in charge of her feelings is not the way, and if her husband accepts the burden then he is an emotional enabler--unless a total ban is what he wants, which it's not. Yes, everything's on the table, but the wife is not negotiating, she's dictating. That's not healthy.
18
Even while I agree w/ Dan, I think the reality is that her irrational fear of and associations with pot are pretty understandable, given the stigma tied to it by the government/DEA/various law enforcement agencies over the course of the past 30+ years. To an awful lot of people, pot is and likely forever will be, ranked in the same category as any of the far more dangerous drugs. And alcohol, again despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, will be viewed as relatively benign and acceptable.

20
OH GOD THIS WAS SO TRAUMATIC TO READ WHERE WAS THE TRIGGER WARNING
21
People, people, people! Mind your vocabulary!

Heroine: A female protagonist. Anyone addicted to "heroine" likely has a gaming problem.
Heroin: A highly addictive opiate. This is the word used for people with drug problems.
22
CHASIP - Please don't follow Dan's advice literally. Allow me to translate for less evolved heterosexual marriage (tongue not in cheek - seriously). Don't make up a passive-aggressive story about alcohol. Don't tell her you're going to do some weed like you're daring her to get mad. Just tell her: "Now that it's legal, I'm going to smoke the occasional joint." Just a matter of fact FYI. If she gets mad, tell her calmly: "We talked about this before we got married." If she brings up her sister, just tell her calmly: "I'm not your sister. This isn't meth or heroin."

Calm is the operative word - respect her feelings, but avoid feeding into them. Good luck!
23
@22: calm is the operative word. But it can be the operative word in another way:

The wife can calm herself down while she exposes herself to a very mild level of pot use (like imagining someone she doesn't know using it 1000 miles away). Then when that gets boringly tedious, she calmly thinks of someone across town doing so. Down the block, next door. Then a co-worker on a distant vacation, etc. Then watch some Cheech&Chong movies. Slowly, slowly exposing herself to slightly more provocative thoughts and settings so that they become less charged. Just as you would in overcoming any phobia.

But she has to want to desensitize herself. It's a lot more fun to be able to claim PTSD-like problems and force a partner to toe a line. Not wise, but more gratifying and controlling.
24
I disagree 100% with you, Dan, and I never expected that to happen.

Remember the whole thing you said, Dan, about "the price of admission"? He KNEW she had a strict 'no-drug' policy before he married her. She was extremely up front about it, and she has the right to have things be deal breakers for her, especially considering her history.

If this man truly values his wife (which I honestly doubt considering his tone), he should just remember that the price of admission for being with the love of his life is no drugs. Period, end of story.

Just because YOU are so gung-ho about weed doesn't mean everybody is, or that everybody needs to be. To you, it's a plant. To some (including me) the mere smell is a PTSD trigger. Please be respectful of lives that aren't your own.
25
All that said, if she'd been raped, we'd all be saying, "He can't ever go there. He can't pursue a rape fantasy if it sets her off." or if she had wartime PTSD from being blown up in a Humvee a few too many times, we would tell her partner, "No, you can't set up firecrackers around the house!"

I don't have an answer. I just observe that many of us have one answer for some irrational fears (even though there are very few roadside bombs on USA roads) and another answer for other irrational fears (you can't complain about MJ more than you do about alcohol and tobacco).
26
@25 - that's a false equivalency. If he said he wanted to do the occasional meth or crack, we'd all probably say: "umm, that sounds like a bad idea."

Plus, they talked about this beforehand, and she said she would be OK with it if it were legal. He respected that and didn't smoke while it was illegal. It's fair for him to take her at her word now.
27
@aleks: So your saying someone gets to act like a controlling crazy person because TRIGGERS! And since it's a TRIGGER!, that person can never change? Please.

Having had some experience in this general area, I know you're wrong. There are much better ways for LW to handle his wife's anxiety than acting like a milksop.

LW should go get high with his friends, let his wife have her anxiety, don't let it trigger him, calmly tell her that he isn't her sister and doesn't deserve to be treated like her, and, most importantly, let her know how much her behavior is hurting him. And he should also point out her hypocrisy with respect to alcohol.

If she has any coping skills, she'll adapt, and she'll be a better woman for it.

Also, if LW is thinking they'll some day have kids, he'll be doing everyone a huge favor by getting his wife to address her anxiety now as opposed to allowing her to ruin her with her kids.
28
@25: As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving rape approaches 1.
29
@aleks: So your saying someone gets to act like a controlling crazy person because TRIGGERS! And since it's a TRIGGER!, that person can never change?

This Is What The Tumblr Crowd Actually Believes
30
@25: No. A rape fantasy would either directly involve the wife, or require her to give her husband permission to pursue that fantasy with someone else, which brings its own complications. Setting off firecrackers in the presence of someone with PTSD would, similarly, involve that person directly.

The husband wants to use pot in moderation and, most importantly, AWAY from his wife--which SHE evidently signed off on. It's two different issues.
31
@25 That's completely different. A rape fantasy would presumably involve her. That would be more like asking her to smoke pot, which nobody thinks she should be made to do (at least that I've seen in this thread). Her not wanting to participate in an activity is absolutely nothing like her not wanting other people to engage in an activity without her.

The firecracker example is closer, except you forgot she said before they married she would try to be tolerant of it. So, it's more like he was into fireworks displays before they married, she had an issue, but she said she'd work on it, and then she didn't. Now, it probably would be wise not to set off fireworks near her, but if she's saying he can't go over to a friend's house and set off fireworks there when she isn't around, then again, that is controlling and unreasonable.

Because she has a trigger, I'd say that he shouldn't smoke pot in their shared home. I can see wanting o not be around something that triggers you, and it's the sort of thing one generally does for love. But saying you never get to engage in an activity you value because somebody else has an irrational fear about it even when they are not involved isn't okay.

I was injured as a child in a tennis accident, and it caused me numerous health problems. I'm not that keen on playing tennis anymore. And it'd be rather obnoxious of a partner to try to push me into playing it with them. However, I certainly wouldn't tell them to not go out and play it themselves if they wanted to. I recognize that while my experience was unusually bad, it was a very uncommon outcome from playing tennis. And I certainly wouldn't then generalize it to all sports and get upset if my partner wanted to go out with friends and play a game.

Basically, you get to control what things happen around you. And good friends don't bring up what hurts you. But you don't get to control everything that happens when you're not around, and wanting to is a problem you should work out with a therapist.
32
I agree with Dan and others that she's being an irrational hypocrite about it but the guy pushing so hard on something that's really upsetting to her and is a pretty remote possibility (is there even another state that's that close to legalizing?) makes me question his motives a bit.
33
@28: LOL. You make me want to invoke Hitler smoking pot during a rape.

They're both self-centered. He's got to have his pot and she's got to have her hissy-fits about all drugs being evil. Either could say, "He's worth the price of admission to finally heal a bit from my past trauma." or "She's worth foregoing the pot." but neither of them are saying that.

They each think they've put the other on notice, "I told her very honestly that if marijuana was legal I would probably try it again." but "She has freaked the fuck out each time." She said, "she would try to be more tolerant of my past and current desires." No doubt she'd say she tried. And failed, her obligation complete.

@30/31: sex and loud noises in the house obviously effect her in a way playing tennis elsewhere does not. But can anyone smoke tobacco or weed and NOT bring it home? Smokers think they can. Non-smokers have a different experience. Maybe if he sticks to brownies. . . .

They both married assuming the other would change for them (she'd get less crazy about pot, he'd give up the pot for her). When does expecting the other person to change for your benefit EVER turn out well?
34
Here's what CHASIP could say to his wife:
"Honey, I know that you have very good reasons for being emphatically anti-drug; and I know that the knowledge that someone you know and like is using any kind of drugs at all can be deeply upsetting to you.
But I'm not your sister, marijuana is not meth or heroin, and occasional recreational use isn't the same thing as addiction.
I want to smoke weed occasionally. I am not going to "graduate" from pot to meth; I'm not going to become a violent psycho; I'm not going to smoke all the time. But I want to smoke recreationally and occasionally, and I don't want to sneak around and do it behind your back as if I was a 14-year-old, and you were my mom. I understand that this triggers bigger, historical issues for you, and I'll try to be as sensitive as possible to them, but you have to understand that for me this is a control issue that shifts the dynamic of our relationship in a way that becomes far more significant than the actual marijuana use is. You have to trust me. And I have to behave in such a way as not to betray your trust in me."

But I don't think he should say something like: "if it really means that much to you, I won't smoke it," because she'll say "it really means that much to me," and then he'll be back where he is now: resentful and frustrated. The marijuana becomes that much more appealing under those circumstances. Although they can agree to settle for a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, I think that she should witness him high (and getting high) a few times, to ease her fears that he will become an out of control violent addict. Then, once she is reassured that the consequences are no different from him having a drink or three, she can either decide she's okay with him smoking in her presence, or that she wants him to do it more discreetly.
35
@32- California, Oregon, Alaska and the District of Colombia, likely by 2016.
36
@nocutename: for me this is a control issue that shifts the dynamic of our relationship in a way that becomes far more significant than the actual marijuana use is. You have to trust me.

Yes. These kinds of things are never just about the thing they are about.
37
I understand your point exactly, @31, because I had a similar experience, only with bikes. I was hit by a car riding a bike right before I turned 14. It damaged my tailbone so badly it had to be removed. I no longer ride bikes because of it, because they freak me the hell out, even if on a bike trail where no cars are present. However, I would never forbid my wife from riding a bike just because of my bad experience.

This man is not trying to use heroin or meth, he wants to smoke a little weed once in awhile. He isn't asking his wife to partake, and he isn't insistent that he do it in their home. With her saying that she would be more tolerant, then deciding to reneging, she is being a controlling asshole. I would see her point if he's saying that he wants to go tie one off and shoot up with his friends, but he's not. He just wants to toke once in awhile. If he's not doing it around her, in their home, or insisting that she partake, what is her issue?
38
@32 Alaska!! On the ballot this year. Go home state!

Also, she needs to throttle it back a little bit. Everyone's husband (or wife) does stuff that their partner just doesn't like sometimes. He told her what would happen post legalization, and he should stick to what he said. In the grand scheme of things it's really not that big of a deal. I think he should tell her, calmly and nicely, post legalization that he intends to smoke with the boys every now and again and if it bothers her too much to see it he can spend the night where ever he is with his pals. Then tell her he loves her and do his thing.
Trying to keep that short of a leash on your spouse is a bad, bad idea IMO.
39
Regardless of whether he decides to use pot or no... the woman needs some major therapy.

She's afraid drugs are going to control and destroy her life... they already are controlling her, and if she keeps letting them control her, they'll destroy her life too.

I feel pity for her situation - she needs help.
40
@27: thank you. This "trigger" bullshit is ridiculous. The world isn't going to tailor itself to your drama. Learn to deal.
41
“I was hit by a car riding a bike right before I turned 14.”

Sorry you got hit, but seeing a car ride a bike sounds like it'd almost be worth the pain. How did it pedal?
42
@33 Negotiating about that would be reasonable. Personally, I do think most smoked marijuana smells pretty awful, so it's a good point. Not wanting to be around the smell is a reasonable. If they were working out some sort of agreement in a sensible manner, it might well involve not in the house, come back when you're sober and either change clothes (and wash the old ones yourself) or only consume the marijuana in a non-smoking manner. I don't have enough experience with marijuana to know if use of it with bongs rather than direct smoking affects the smell. But some sort of agreement with limits would make sense. That discussion, however, is based on her accepting not controlling his usage, but instead focusing on her own boundaries. I do suspect if she had come at it saying, well, only if I don't have any reminders, then he might well agree to only consume it in food. They need to get to a point though where they are negotiating. Rather than a flat-out, you can't do this because it bothers me to have you do this even if I am not directly affected at all.
43
@38: All I'm saying is that to keep bringing up something that may or may not happen months or years in the future...there seems to be an element of looking for a fight.
44
That's all fine. Why is it so fucking important to this guy that he get to smoke pot? He's going to risk his marriage to spark up? She's certainly got a problem, but so has he if this is that big a deal to him.
45
Does it strike anybody as weird that they've had mutual pot smoking friends for years, but she hasn't become more tolerant of pot?

The way he describes it, they smoke pot around her all the time, and she didn't care until her husband wanted a little post-legality.

This isn't a Trigger thing. She's using that as an excuse. If it was so triggering, they'd not have ANY pot smoking friends, or else she'd be triggered every time she saw them.

This is more of a control issue, in which she probably doesn't trust a person who gets high. You can have friends or acquaintances you don't trust, but you can't be married to somebody you don't trust.

He's being dismissive of her feelings. She's not willing to budge. It's all unhealthy. Is this the only thing bad about her? Is this the only arena she's a control freak in? LW doesn't hint. But, if this is the one demand in their whole relationship (or one of the few), I might be willing to forego that experience for her. But if she's controlling in general, and this is that important to him, I might say "take a stand."
46
But by all means, remain married to one another. This can only end well.
47
@4: If drug use is a trigger for her, then what is she doing drinking herself?
48
The wife seems to have a very poor grasp of addiction risks. Perhaps he could arm himself with some literature about the comparative risk of alcohol vs. pot when he talks to her. He shouldn't ask her to stop drinking, because she might do that, but he should encourage her to contemplate that despite drinking since forever, neither she (who is the one w/ the close family history of addiction and therefore should be the much more careful one) nor the husband has become an addict. So the odds of him being engulfed by reefer madness is pretty fantastically low. It's also not the gateway drug for most people, alcohol is. It was almost certainly her gateway drug, unless she smokes (which I think the husband would have mentioned), in which case she has very thin ground to stand on.
I'm also a little leery of the story about the sister threatening the mother with DEATH!!!!!!! That was upsetting to her? Unless sis had a knife to mom's throat, just threatening death isn't really that much of a big deal. Even swinging a weapon around. Even some mild stalking and weirdness. That's pretty low key for an addict honestly. Now if sister routinely drove mom around when she was high and played fun games like "Let's play chicken with an overpass" I can see why she might be somewhat upset. But again, that shit happens. Most people who have been in close relationships with addicts don't try to limit the actions of other friends or family unless they feel they are legitimately at high risk due to genetics, dangerous behavior (which smoking pot is not. Stealing a gun from a cop and running away with it could be. Drunk driving past elementary schools is.), or significant personal emotional trauma. Really, the wife should not be drinking. She's at a lot higher risk (if the family trauma is truly that deep), and she's got a short hand genetically, than the husband would be (the husband who has also proven himself to be safe with recreational use of these mild drugs in the past with no addicitive behavior or experience.)
49
@TheMisanthrope: Is this the only thing bad about her? Is this the only arena she's a control freak in?

From what I've observed, people from dysfunctional families have a way of playing out their unresolved conflicts later on in their romantic relationships, often with the significant other cast in the role of the villain. Rarely are these dramas restricted to just one stage.

For them to move forward, hubby needs to reject the role of "meth-addicted sister", and assume a role that takes the plot in another direction. Otherwise, he'll end up acting in subtle ways like a meth addict, for example by breaking promises (made to wife under duress) and losing his temper (due to wife's over-controlling).

And just wait until kids enter the picture.
50
@4: Her triggers are her problem to work out, not her husband's to walk on eggshells around the rest of his life. I say this as someone who's been in weekly therapy for over a year to deal with mine own.
51
@48: People who buy into the Reefer Madness shtick aren't the most rational.

Honestly, the husband should just try again a year after the retail shops open, when the world doesn't end.
53
@10 Snorting aspirin or vitamin C sounds painful. Both those things are acids.

It also reminds me of that one time when I chopped up tylenol 3's and snorted them to see if that would intensity the effect of the codeine. It was a bad idea. Just in case you were wondering.
54
@42: >"They need to get to a point though where they are negotiating." True that. They both seem a bit pathological for this, but for less entrenched couples, here's an exercise that sometimes helps:

He argues her side - no caveats, no backpedaling, just as strong an argument for HER side as he can. She does the same.

At a minimum this lets the other person know they've been heard. Sometimes it lets each side back down a little and start to have a discussion.

But each have to get the stick out of their own ass, first.
56
There's a couple things that come to mind in looking at this.

1) LW used "freak(ed/ing) the fuck out" twice in short order. Given how he(?) describes his position (incredibly reasonable and articulate - "partaking"), I feel there is some bias in representing the conversations with his wife.

2) It doesn't sound like he wants to partake once in a while; it sounds like he likes it a great deal - "I've had a lot of fun...". Note that he also does shrooms.

3) There is a big difference between having a friend who does it, a spouse/partner who occasionally smokes it with some friends, and having MJ parties in the house while a non-user is around. I've been around stoned and heavily drunk people while sober, and it can feel really creepy seeing people you know being completely different. Given the wife's family history, I would not be surprised at all if the idea of having to play hostess to a whole group of the husband's stoned/tripping friends doesn't sound great.

I don't quite see what this letter has to do with sex, but treating it like a sex-related issue, it seems that LW could make the small compromise of doing a "don't ask, don't tell" and just doing pot and shrooms at his friends' place when hanging out.

(I admit that the letter writer's incessant fragments haven't helped my opinion since I'm grading papers written similarly. I should ask my students if they were stoned while writing...)
57
@49 That could be. I haven't seen it in my personal life, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.
58
Because there is no better way to win an argument against your girlfriend/wife than "you're irrational, conversation over". Too bad it's right so dang much!

59
If he strong-arms her into this as Dan suggests, they will probably get a divorce.
60
I've told my spouse to stop drinking because about 1/3 of the time he gets excessively angry and sometimes violent when he does but he's fine when he doesn't drink. I'm willing to stop drinking, too, even though I have no such problems when I drink.

I guess it depends on how important drinking or getting high is to you. Sure, it's nice, but for me if someone is close to perfect in every other way I'd rather be sober, healthy and happy than roll the dice finding someone new.
61
I think the issues are deeper. I think they are growing apart and this is probably an expression of that.
62
@TheMisanthrope: I haven't seen it in my personal life

Good for you. In my LTRs, I've seen pretty much every type of daddy issue there is - alcoholism, abandonment, sexual abuse, physical abuse - along with some serious mommy issues - narcissism, hysteria, and one so convoluted I don't have a word for it. There's clearly something seriously wrong with me that I have such a relationship history.
63
Personally, I've never seen the pothead/non-pothead dynamic work out. When it comes to romance It seems to be much more polarizing than alcohol or even cigs. I think it's due to the fear of having it around potential children. I really hope legalization changes this soon.

Why are people coming down so hard on just her? I know we're supposed to be super hip, but come on...THEY ARE BOTH HUGE SUCKERS who didn't think this through when they pledged to be together forever. They should see a marriage counselor and make real compromises--not "let's quit drinking together", yeah that will make her less edgy, and she doesn't get to relax while he does. Sheesh.

OR...better idea...They could split and he could find a woman without these hangups. A woman who will let him be a man.
64
@62 Oh, I've seen, known, met (but not dated) broken people. But, the ones I've known have lashed out in new and bizarre ways that are intrinsically tied to their emotionally destructive pasts, but do not represent or recreate the past in any way.
65
See if your wife would be willing to go to al anon. She's obviously still all fucked up because of someone else's addiction, and there is a way past that.

And for everyone who looks at 12 stepping as entering a higher power centred cult - well, they aren't really like that, but even to the extent that they might be, al anon is different. It's all about learning that we can't control what other people do, and that the energy we've been putting into trying to fix everyone else belongs squarely in looking at our own behaviour. I've been an al anon member for ten years, have always openly stated at meetings that I am an atheist and my higher power is reality, and have never gotten the slightest hint of blow back for that. Right in our meeting closing it says it straight out - "In closing I would like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest" and we mean it.
66
@53 Snorting Pixie Stix certainly hurts a bit. We used to do that as a joke during high school debate meets. I blame the citric acid.
67
Yeah, late to chime in but hey: work!

I completely agree with Dan. This is controlling behavior and on the whole 'price of admission' crap: he spoke up first, he made it clear that part of her price of admission was being with a guy who might get cozy with some of her TRIGGERS(!!1111!!11!1). But yes, I still think he's a fool for believing her promise of something given under duress - a promise she figured she'd never have to honor.

I've BTDT (dated an ACOA), and all I can say is: believe the first reaction -it's the honest one. Don't expect to be able to hold someone to a cheerful carrying out of their promises, when those are given under duress.

On the other hand, he should go right on ahead and engage in responsible recreational use, not in her face, and not in a way designed to make her flip out, but honestly. She can either get over it or chew herself up inside. She will most likely - when she realizes the only person being adversely affected by the toking - realize that getting over it is ultimately easier than allowing her issues from her past to eat her alive. Or she'll dump him, and either way he's better off. I put up with waaaay to much imaginary BS from my first wife - owned her issues (in the process validating them) and made myself freaking miserable. If I'd just refused to do that, we would still be married and much happier.
68
@62 - thanks for making me feel at least not alone! :-)
69
Unfortunately, I can see this from both sides. He's right that pot really shouldn't be a big deal. But he also knew well in advance of marrying her that his wife HATES pot and doesn't want him smoking it. He should've realized that her saying she'd "try to be more tolerant of my past and current desires" meant that she'd try to be okay with him even wanting to do it, not him actually doing it.

I also find it interesting that basically no one criticizes me for being anti-pot merely because I hate the smell, while this woman's experience with drug-addled family members is not acceptable at all as an excuse. Is it because I don't care if my significant other does it, he just has to know he can't kiss me when he smells like it and he can't do it in our house?
70
@69 "Is it because I don't care if my significant other does it, he just has to know he can't kiss me when he smells like it and he can't do it in our house?"

Yes.
71
I'm with 3. The wife needs counseling to come to terms with her sister's abuse. Triggers can suck but the rest of the world isn't obligated to stop painting walls purple, living in the woods/city and flying.
72
Also tell her to stop drinking coffee, taking tylenol, or eating processed foods (things that most Americans do daily). All of those are more addictive and deadly than marijuana
73
@56 I'd say you're skipping ahead a little on this one. He says he's "had a lot of fun" with weed and has done shrooms, and you immediately leap to the conclusion that he intends to be a serious pothead hosting parties for a lot of tripping stoners. First of all, having done shrooms is not the same thing as being someone who does shrooms (and he makes no mention of wanting to do them again). As for the guy planning on being a complete stoner as soon as it's legal, come on. If he's going to wait for it to be legal, he's clearly got the self-control to not smoke pot all the time.
74
@69 -that is basically what my now-wife says about my occasional cigar smoking. And yes, I made it clear it was something I do and enjoy before we got too serious. I don't expect her to kiss me after, though sometimes she will join me for one and then says she doesn't mind the smell after.
75
Agree with @27, you don't get to be a controlling asshole forever just because you've been through some shit. It's you, not the world, that needs to adapt and overcome past issues.

The underlying issue is that the wife is using her sister's drug use as an excuse for her sister's deterioration instead of confronting the fact that they were just a symptom of her sister's illness/madness/selfishness (we don't get a clear picture of why the sister was so off the rails or if she's still around).

I laugh at the people here who think he should just put up with her because he married her, as if people's needs, desires, interests, understanding does not change over time.

I suppose they'd also support putting up with a verbally abusive husband because he had a hard childhood? Yeah, didn't think so.

The LW just needs to put his foot down and tell it like it is. She's being controlling and irrational and he's done with it. He'll need to be prepared to experience a cold bed for awhile but in the long run the marriage will be better off because she'll see he isn't a doormat.

If she says she'll divorce him over this then he'll know she's as insane as her sister, which is a good thing to know before you start pooping out kids.
76
@69: So he can vape or eat cookies. NBD.
77
I strongly disagree with Dan's advice to make up some bullshit false equivalency. The two people need to get on the same side, with the problem on the other side, not become even more entrenched against each other.

What does she envision him doing, or their house looking/smelling like, how often, or whatever, that makes pot use particularly abhorrent? I'm not positive that she understands the details of what he's planning, since somebody who is utterly terrified of all drugs might not know all that much about pot, and/or because she might be imagining her own family's trauma-making experience as the baseline.

If it was me, I'd want to imagine the totally non-scary things he'll do when he's high (far away, mind you), and also how often he's planning to partake. (Not so that she can then nix everything he says, but so that she can see that his plans don't look anything like her traumatic childhood.) It'll probably be her husband sitting on a couch and listening to music, which presumably would be OK if he wasn't high.

Or she might want to know something else, such as what'll prevent him from becoming an outta-control jobless pothead.

It'd be worth asking what specifically is scary, so as to determine together some ways to make it a lot less scary.
78
Erg, it posted the long, unedited version of what I was gonna say. Moral of the story: Currently they're on opposite sides of an argument. They should try to get on the same side, with the problem on the other side.

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