SLLLOTD: Premarital Counseling

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On the other hand, waist-down? I'm pretty prude about posting pictures, but if someone had waist-down pictures of me, I would give 0.0000 fucks.

beef rallard on January 10, 2014 at 11:44 PM

I hope you heard that, WSID-- "He's the one who fucked up, and yet you're the one who's in trouble." And that's what you're in for if you marry this piece of shit. FOREVER. Well, not forever, just until you die or divorce. Whatever the issue, he'll never say he's sorry... he'll just manipulate your insecurity to make you take the blame.
And why did he wait 6 years to tell you he's bi? Is he counting on the time invested to keep you from jumping ship? Did you tell him you're bi-curious to be supportive? Please don't marry this guy. Get some counseling for your self esteem. Then find someone better and find out what a healthy relationship is like.

portland scribe on January 11, 2014 at 2:59 AM

@ 1, good for you! She should just feel exactly the way you do, shouldn't she?

Matt from Denver on January 11, 2014 at 3:44 AM

People like WSID's fiancé are the reason why Dan came up with "DTMFA." I seriously hope she dumped this manipulative POS.

Beth in NJ on January 11, 2014 at 5:48 AM

Why is this even an issue if the picture is from the waist down. She's just being silly and hysterical for nothing.

Falcor on January 11, 2014 at 6:53 AM

@1 and 5, This is a privacy issue, a trust issue, and a boundary issue.

Clayton on January 11, 2014 at 6:57 AM

@5: I appreciate the unintentional use of a misogynist slur "hysterical" in your misogynistic post.

Hanoumatoi on January 11, 2014 at 6:58 AM

@1, 5: Just because your objection to naked photos of you circulating freely on the internet is solely on the condition "if my face was clearly recognizable" does not mean that is everyone's objection, okay?

Also, I don't get where the boyfriend thought "hey, anonymous photo, I find you very attractive from the waist down" would be affirming. And that he leapt on "obvs the only possible reason to not jump at a fourway sexual identity bender is that she doesn't feel she's attractive enough, and I've got a fix!"

IPJ on January 11, 2014 at 7:04 AM

Everyone has a right to decide what, if any, nude pictures of themselves get posted online. Some individuals are comfortable with a full body shot, others would only post nude pictures from the waist down, and some would not post any at all. We don't know which camp the LW falls in, but only she gets to decide where her boundaries lie. The LW has every right to be upset that her fiancee posted nude pictures of her without her permission. It doesn't matter that they are from the waist down (although it certainly reduces the likelihood that anyone would recognize her).The point is that he violated her privacy and continues to completely disregard her concerns. Had he talked to her first, she might have been willing to post such a picture, but instead who took that choice away from her. He's proven himself to be untrustworthy, deceitful and completely insensitive to the LW's feelings, those are reason enough for the LW to dump him.

Buffy on January 11, 2014 at 7:12 AM

I'd love the two commenters who think she shouldn't be upset to identify themselves by gender.

I hope she broke up with him, and then posted pics of him all over the internet.

Canadian Nurse on January 11, 2014 at 7:34 AM

6 years in and not only does he not understand boundaries violation, but he actively breaks them further? NOT a good sign. Not figuring out his own propensities, and feeling safe enough to share, maybe. Forcing his partner into a new reality, for whatever reason, means probation at least.

This is about control.

Peace

Married in MA on January 11, 2014 at 7:39 AM

If she agreed, way back 18 months ago, that "Yeah, you're right it's only my nether region. I'm being a prude.", she tacitly agreed to accept all of his bullshit that will be coming down the pike. Been there, done that. If he didn't take responsibility then, he never will. There will be no room for her emotions, be they grand or small. It will always be about him and what's she's done to make happy, sad, angry, the gamut.

Go while the goings good. And if any reader sees their partner as similar to this guy, run like the wind!

phuni44 on January 11, 2014 at 8:27 AM

Am I the only person who didn't necessarily assume the picture in question was unidentifiable? The LW said, "a picture of me naked from the waist down". That could mean it is a complete picture of her, head to toe, face and all, in which she is naked from the waist down (i.e. wearing a shirt). That was how I read it. Regardless, not cool. DTMFA.

on January 11, 2014 at 8:30 AM

hopefully, they're very happily married by now, having lots of group sex. they sound like nice kids.

Max Solomon on January 11, 2014 at 8:36 AM

@14 --- if so, there are probably a lot of waist-down photos on the internet of her with a variety of dicks in her vagina, and she's being/been pressured to accept that it's "anonymous, no big deal." Coming soon: blowjob pics, also "no big deal."

this guy I know in Spokane on January 11, 2014 at 8:57 AM

Hope that, before she dumps the guy, she finds all the other potentially embarrassing photos he might have and disposes of them.

Looking For a Better Read on January 11, 2014 at 9:11 AM

On second thought,

What if this were a way to get OUT of the engagement.

1) I'm Bi; didn't work.
2) Want to swing?; didn't work.
3) Online nude photo; ???

It just seems odd to have a ramp up in the level of dickishness before the wedding.

Peace

Married in MA on January 11, 2014 at 9:11 AM

@1: You should definitely drop whatever zero you're with and GET WITH THAT HERO. You belong together.

undead ayn rand on January 11, 2014 at 9:14 AM

Reminds me of every dude who posts in every online stalking thread about how they don't care who breaks into their system to see their junk on webcam and post pictures elsewhere, because hurr hurr they get what they deserve, doesn't bother me hurr.

It's stupid, inconsiderate, and displays a complete unwillingness to care about how others may feel. How is it at all relevant that you wouldn't feel violated?

undead ayn rand on January 11, 2014 at 9:19 AM

Anyone who would post a nude pic (even a waist-down nude pic) of someone without that someone's blessing is a self-absorbed asshole who has no sense of morality or shame. I mean, what else is this creep capable of? Cooking up you dog for dinner? Arranging hook-ups of your friends with his rapist best friend? He needs to crawl back up into his momma's uterus and cook some more.

"What should I do?" I'd make sure he didn't have anymore pics of you, I'd change your phone number, I'd pack his fucking bags, and I'd buy him a one-way ticket to Shit City.

Bauhaus I on January 11, 2014 at 9:21 AM

@17's "It just seems odd to have a ramp up in the level of dickishness before the wedding"—

So there's that in the plus column, at least. XD

rob! on January 11, 2014 at 9:21 AM

P.S. Men and women everywhere. Don't do the camera love-play thing until you really, really, really know each other well. Well enough, that you know he'd/she'd never use those pics for anything outside of mutual consideration and trust.

Bauhaus I on January 11, 2014 at 9:24 AM

Bullying is not the correct way to respond to the insecurities of somebody you care about. DTMFA

TheLastComment on January 11, 2014 at 9:51 AM

@12: Sounds uncomfortably victim-blamey.

undead ayn rand on January 11, 2014 at 9:58 AM

@17,
Thank you. That hadn't occurred to me, but it could very well be the mode he's in.

vab251 on January 11, 2014 at 10:37 AM

@13 That's exactly how I took it as well.

v-man on January 11, 2014 at 11:07 AM

@17: You're brilliant!

Canadian Nurse on January 11, 2014 at 11:44 AM

So you roll over and do the bi thing with the BF and you're at the bi party where the other guy has his computer on looking at naked pussies and he says, "Look at that nasty snatch!", and it's - ahem! - **yours**. And he doesn't know it. You turn to bi BF and say - SEE WHAT YOU MOTHERFUCKING DID, MOTHERFUCKER!

People make ugly comments on the internet or about things they see on the net. That's reason enough to not want you picture on there. DTMFPOSA

milemarker on January 11, 2014 at 12:12 PM

@28: Sounds like a pretty droll party.

undead ayn rand on January 11, 2014 at 1:14 PM

@24. Didn't mean for it to sound victim blaming. The LW was asking for permission to be pissed, permission granted. But she was already questioning herself and her reaction. The shithead fiancé won't ever see her side because he can't. And it's easy to get subsumed by that sort of trickster. If she decides that he's right, he's gonna think he's always right, about everything. I spent 20 years with someone who never had to meet my needs because he made it so I didn't have needs. Cuz it was all about him and maybe if I did the right thing, he might shine some light my way. Narcissists never change.

phuni44 on January 11, 2014 at 2:11 PM

@30: Yeah, that framing is harder to argue with. The quote- "He says that I wasn't actively doing anything about getting outside partners, so he wanted to show me that I'm attractive and that other people thought so." ... if it doesn't frighten her away, I don't know what to say. Classic liar, right there.

undead ayn rand on January 11, 2014 at 2:59 PM

As an unregistered commenter already mentioned, LW only said the picture of her was "naked from the waist down". This could very well mean that the photograph was of her full body! And she was only wearing a shirt, bra, etc. The assumption here is that she was kept anonymous. We do not know this for sure based on the wording of this letter. Either way, dtmfa, in my opinion.

Broelle on January 11, 2014 at 4:54 PM

I think it's easy to say, in theory, "I wouldn't mind if someone shared a waist-down picture of me without my permission." And sure, rationally, if it doesn't have anything that would identify you, your job and public life aren't at risk.

But then, for some people, that would be a fetish; some people like the idea of partial exhibition. If it's reasonable for someone to say, "I'm turned on to think that strangers on the Internet are looking at my naked crotch, and they don't know it's me," then it's also reasonable for someone to say, "I'm turned off to think that strangers on the Internet are looking at my naked crotch, even though they don't know it's me."

bija on January 11, 2014 at 6:28 PM

@33: What's important here is that permission was never given nor asked for.

undead ayn rand on January 11, 2014 at 11:21 PM

I really wish LWs would post follow-ups. It would be so awesome to hear that this chick dumped her pos fiancé and moved on to a hedonistic love fest while the pos sat home posting dick pics on Craigslist. What an abusive asshat.

jujubee80 on January 12, 2014 at 5:58 AM

@34 Right, that's what I'm saying. She's reasonable to be turned off by it, to say that she wouldn't have given permission--or that she's not sure she would have given permission had she been asked. Some of the commenters seem to be saying that she shouldn't be turned off by it because it won't affect her job or public reputation. But if it's reasonable to be turned on by something, it's also reasonable to be turned off by it.

bija on January 12, 2014 at 6:51 AM

@36: I think it's ok to also say, "I'd have been turned on by this if I was asked, but the non consent part is what turned me off."

Canadian Nurse on January 12, 2014 at 7:04 AM

It's also reasonable just to say, "I don't like it.". No justification needed. Nobody asks why someone doesn't like licorice. And if the other person actually cared, they would say, "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend, I'll deal with it right now.".

Ugh. I hoped she dumped him.

phuni44 on January 12, 2014 at 8:19 AM

HONEY, he does not understand women for shit.
If you want to live in this "we are both bi and it will work out" fantasy, you will not likely have a good result.

BOBKELLERMAN@AOL.COM on January 13, 2014 at 3:08 AM

@39: With the "I am very insecure" and his response to her dismay, I'm assuming there are other abuses we're not privy to.

undead ayn rand on January 13, 2014 at 10:44 AM

@40: Yes. I'd be very surprised if this was the only violation of trust he's already gotten away with.

Eudaemonic on January 14, 2014 at 6:17 AM

I was away for a while so I failed to respond to any of the excellent responses to my comment, but suffice it to say that I would be unhappy if someone posted nudies of me without my consent. However, if it were merely waist-down pictures, I'd go from "distressed about nudies of me on the internets" to "annoyed by the act, but comforted by the fact that if anyone claimed they were pictures of me, I could simply say, 'no they aren't.'" Basically, the difference is being annoyed on principle versus having practical consequences.

beef rallard on January 21, 2014 at 9:42 PM

@7 - Is hysterical really a misogynistic slur? I thought it was just a word. I understand that it was once used to describe a disease thought up by woefully ignorant male physicians, but I have never heard it referred to as a slur before. That seems a bridge too far--not every word that can be associated with something unpleasant is necessarily a slur...

brent.b on February 3, 2014 at 2:33 PM

The root of the word "hysterical" is "hystera", Greek for uterus. Being "hysterical" means "your uterus is making you crazy".

singing cynic on February 16, 2014 at 6:19 AM

SLLLOTD: Premarital Counseling

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