If she's a reasonable person/wife, and he is knocking her socks off in the bedroom, she would be happy to give back. Either she is not so decent or he is a non-sock-knocker.

...or she is not confident in her performance vis-à-vis his kinks.

Generally speaking, if you don't know your wife well enough to determine if she's being passive-aggressive or merely anxious, you can go ahead and assume she's being passive aggressive- after all, she has legitimate reason to be pissed at you.

Solid advice here. I'd add that the way this letter is written turns me against the LW, with his use of "always" and his tendency to assume the worst about her motives. He admits that she does indulge his fetish; if his response is to spend most of the session whining about how she's not doing it right...that's not going to lead to happy fetish sessions.

So Midori has it right: make sure you're GGG to her (and that you really know what it takes to "knock her socks off" (@1), then indicate your eagerness for more of what she has been giving you. Appreciation, not criticism, is more likely to get her in a positive mood about your fetish. Also, talk about your fetish occasionally when you're fucking her or giving her orgasms manually. That can help build positive associations too!

Also, talk about your fetish occasionally when you're fucking her or giving her orgasms manually. That can help build positive associations too!

...so, this is nice to know, but I've always worried: what if the fetish is a mood-killer for her? LIke, she's getting close, and you drag in the fetish and then boom, you've shut her down and kind of ruined it? Seems like that might breed bitterness (understandably!).

[(As every fetishist knows, the other party taking open or tacit pleasure in indulging the fetish is an important element in fulfilling almost every conceivable fantasy).]

Citation needed.

In a way, the LW's concern seems almost kind, but I imagine that, to the indulging partner, it's just another burden. I can visualize the letter, "It's not enough I do it, I have to like (or be good at) it?"

[If she's not passive-aggressive—and you'll have to ask the wife to determine that—]

Now that was pretty of Mr Savage. Well played.

I'm inclined to approve of any guest named after Ms Ito.

Barring inconvenient editing, I'll counsel Mr Ophian to go with his first instinct (the proven best way to match Charles Nelson Reilly, with or without socks). He's so supremely focused here that they give the impression as being like the Sprats, only what may work for food doesn't work so well in the bedroom.

they sure had some problems back in 2005 - not like today!

@5 - I can tell you from experience, that no, just indulging is not enough. My experience was with vanilla straight up PIV and oral, and having a partner who really just isn't into it and is just indulging you is kind of soul crushing after a while. Seriously: masturbation is much better. Really, sex is a shared experience at it's essence - whether love or lust driven - and the sense of sharing your own goofy face and excitement with someone who lets you know they aren't sharing the feelings..is not sustainable.

I did like Midori's final point: he might've become obsessed and lost sight of anything but the fetish.

My 0.02: simply due to the sex-shaming in our culture, a lot of people do a bad job presenting their fetishes. My husband did so in a way that seemed to confirm my body insecurities and he did a poor job explaining what he wanted, except to let me know that what I was doing wasn't right. This went on for years, basically until I discovered Savage Love + Dan Bergeren and started to get a lot more educated on fetishes in general. Even so, it has taken a lot of communication to try to get me to a place where I could feel confident/positive participating in his fetish.

Based purely on his word choice, I suspect WHIPME's wife feels anything but confident/positive regarding his fetish, and unpacking that might involve a lot more communication. He should feel prepared to hear her out -- who knows how they've been handling this over the years, and how she feels about any of it?

Sounds like a bitchy bitch.

@8,

Well, in that case, it's an intrinsic mismatch. If she can't fake being enthusiastic about his fetish and if he can't abide having his fetish serviced by someone who isn't enthusiastic about it, then they both should move on. In particular, he should find someone who's actually into his kink.

Her statements could be taken another way: she could be trying to distance herself from the fetishes as something she's doing, but definitely NOT something she enjoys. It is possible that she grew up in a place where it was shameful to admit you had a fetish or to even enjoy anything not-normal. So she expresses her reluctance to reassure herself that she's not a "weird kinkster." (Or maybe that IS her kink and she's doing this unbeknownst to LW...)

@8, you got it right. I've given up on some of my kinks because my wife just isn't into it and it isn't fun if she isn't having fun. We have enough other kinks and things we both enjoy that is is all good though.

One question we never get answered:

What is your partner like in the rest of your life together?

Speaking from a test sample of one: my wife was non experienced when we met, and did her best to explore her sexuality, but... At least early on in our marriage. OTOH, she was adventurous in pretty much every way otherwise. The "barrier" was the "needing to pee" feeling she had right before she squirts. Following the (gloriously epic) first time, she finally learned to let go (towels at the ready). Until that happened, she always had a "am I doing this right" kind of distraction.

An adventurous soul attached to inexperience leaves a lot of room for improvement.

Peace

@3: " if his response is to spend most of the session whining about how she's not doing it right..."

Where did the letter say he is doing that? He doesn't have to be saying a thing for it to be painfully obvious that she feels put-upon the entire time she is servicing him.

@5: At the risk of oversimplifying, there are three attitudes to take while on the receiving end of service:

1) Being serviced by someone who clearly feels put-upon spoils the mood.
2) Being serviced by someone who clearly feels put-upon enhances the experience, because degrading them is part of the fetish for you.
3) You don't give a shit what your partner is feeling, so long as they service you.

While 2 and 3 are indeed possibilities, and without speculating on relative percentages, neither 2 nor 3 are things to be particularly proud of. 2 can be acceptable, provided you find a partner who likes being degraded -- but in that case they are going to be into the scenario and unlikely to be rolling their eyes and carrying on with grouchy body language and conspicuously unenthusiastic comments. Will this person have to pretend to be put off, so as to make the degradation the more realistic?

@14-- That "feeling like she needs to pee" thing, that is because it is urine she is "squirting".

@17, I think he's whiny because he wrote in his letter that she always says the wrong thing and he never gets any pleasure from their play. If he had said that they have great sex otherwise, or that they do this other thing which works well for both of them...then I'd be less confident that he's a big whiner.

Look at this: "the other party taking open or tacit pleasure in indulging the fetish is an important element in fulfilling almost every conceivable fantasy" -- he wants her to keep her thoughts to herself so his fantasy will be better fulfilled, not because he cares about her actual pleasure. At no point does he express any concern about his wife actually enjoying herself. He never asks Dan for help in improving the scenes so she has a better experience. He's not interested in her experience; he just wishes she would stop bringing him down.

Assuming he likes being beaten (from his acronym), there are many ways to get his wife to feel more confident -- classes, books, practice on pillows, switching from whips to canes, etc. etc. She could start meeting other people who whip their partners, and learn how to make it fun for herself. But he hasn't gotten past the idea that she should just automatically know how to fulfill his fantasy with a smile on her face.

@18 you forgot one:
Being serviced by someone whose kinks you will service later is fun, or can be, if you're compatible. These days my husband flogs me for my pleasure, and I express my appreciation on other days by pegging him. Pegging's not my favorite activity, and flogging isn't his. We get our pleasure from seeing the other person in seventh heaven. Just as I enjoy getting a back massage more than giving one, but I like to give them too -- because it's fun to give pleasure. Having a partner who knows what they like and asks for it is a great thing. I'm happy to be such a partner, and happy to have one.

AFinch @4, it's a reasonable concern. Just start small, and try to connect it with something you know she likes.

For example: I like being submissive, so my husband can talk about making me fuck other guys, and that's hot. Whereas if he went in more of a cuckold direction, wanting me to tell him that he was inadequate and that I needed other men to satisfy me, that would upset me and shut down my fun.

Another example: I like imagining rough anal (though not experiencing it). So he can introduce almost any idea successfully if he can find a way to associate it with rough anal in my mind. :-)

Just be prepared to abort the endeavor if she seems to be getting turned off rather than turned on, and switch to something less risky.

@19, No, it's not. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's definitely not urine.

@16: "Donkey Punching, kids? You've heard people joke about it and other extreme and/or stupid sex acts. But while attempting your Hot Karls, Icy Mikes, or Louisville Pluggers is unlikely to result in injury, death, or incarceration, attempting a Donkey Punch can lead to any or all of these unpleasant outcomes. And not only is the Donkey Punch dangerous and likely to land your ass in jail, the damn thing doesn't even work."

Despite all the snark, Dan's statement is certainly condemnatory. The only reason it's not written as if biblically intoned is because the violent stupidity of this act (whether inflicted on a man or a woman) should be readily apparent to anyone with a functioning frontal lobe.

There is no indication whatsoever of passive aggressiveness in this letter. The fact that wife says things like "This isn't really what I like, but okay..." would actually rule out passive aggressiveness.

I suppose one might argue that she's being indirect, but that's not the same thing. Before we go down that route, however, shouldn't we have some reason to suspect she's not saying, more or less, what she means?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest the problem is that she doesn't really enjoy doing the things her husband asks her to do.

That's a tough spot for hubby to be in. Maybe it's a problem that can be fixed through better communication, or by finding ways to make her feel less ashamed. Or maybe they're just not a good match.

@24 "ashamed"?

@22, I'm curious why that always becomes such a big part of these discussions.

For the sake of argument, let's say that it was urine. What then? Shouldn't people enjoy the powerful orgasm and accept its mess, regardless of what the substance is? Urine isn't dangerous, after all, and once you've got the towels out to soak up the "ejaculate" -- what difference does it make how much urea is in it?

@24, 25: Maybe the better word would be "self-conscious."

I agree that it doesn't sound like passive aggression as much like insecurity. She doesn't know if she's doing it "right." She also may not like the fetish and wants ggg credit for doing something not for her own pleasure but for her husband's. She might have been surprised that what she saw as her self-sacrifice and generosity was treated by her husband the way it was.

Although I agree that there's not much in the letter as written that indicates he is trying to make sure she enjoys herself.

You know, domming can be mentally exhausting sometimes--and this is coming from someone who loves it. Part of domming is often seeming to be in complete control, which means she doesn't get to ask him what he wants during the scene AND she's probably the one who is steering the scene around. If you're vanilla, coming up with stuff to do that isn't the same stuff you did last time, especially if you don't have regular open communication of what you both want, can be kind of hard. It seems like that's what she's trying to let the LW know, and she could easily be resentful about it if she feels like her needs aren't being met or he's expecting her to magically know what he wants.

@16: It's a public health warning, article skimmer.

@19: Nope, sorry.

When I had sex with my husband at times for his pleasure, solely, rather than mine or mutual, what I wanted was some recognition of that fact from him - some appreciation, some gratitude, some thanks, some expectation of eventual reciprocation. Sort of like how if he said he was in the mood for Italian and I said I wasn't really, but I didn't have a strong opinion, so let's go anyway and maybe some other time I'd get to pick. That was a purely theoretical exchange with him, of course, because I quickly learned that anything like that would cause a sulking fight over how I was going to 'make him pay' to go out for Italian and as a result we wouldn't go out at all.

He was an emotionally manipulative, abusive asshole. I suspect the LW is much less of one, but there's still a problematic dynamic going on when his response to her doing something nice for him is to criticize her for how she's doing it rather than making it worth her while to please him.

@EricaP: Revise last paragraph to:

That's a tough spot for hubby to be in. Maybe the source of the problem is something that can be addressed - poor communication, lack of confidence, self-consciousness, shame/repression around "deviant" sex. Or maybe his kink just isn't for her. People do have their limits.

@19, Female prostate:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skene's_gla… (pics and diagrams of female urogenital anatomy)

Composition of female ejaculate (it's seminal fluid without the sperm):

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19766…

@31 works for me.

I agree with @15. Dude needs to ASK HIS WIFE.

@16: Shut the fuck up and have a drink. Who says the Donkey Punch is funny, or even intended to be funny?

It's just another sexual urban legend that adolescents like to intrigue each other with at sleep over parties.

Other examples include:
* you can tell the size of mans penis by the size of his hands/feet/big toe!
* dude, spanish fly! one drop and a woman will want to have sex with you!
* gay guys!! they stick gerbils in their butts!!
* my friend went to a rainbow party and left with 8 shades of lipstick on his dick!! true story, brah!
* ookie cookie! it's a game they play in my cousin's best friend's fraternity where everyone get's in a circle and masturbates on a cookie. last one to come has to eat it!!! ew!!

@35: Ookie cookie is also known as limp biscuit. And yes, that's how the band got their name. Which is another good reason to detest them, apart from their horrible, horrible music.

#37 me too.

@35, 36,

Sorry, but... How is Ookie pronounced (moo, look)?

@19,

No matter the composition, your lover has experienced an orgasm so intense her body spasms include a 6 foot jet of liquid and you're going to care what sterile components it's made of?! If your response set doesn't include 10 shades of awesome, you aren't paying attention!
(And it's the first time ever!!)

Peace

@39: Like book-ie.

"your lover has experienced an orgasm so intense"

See, this is where their understanding has a few gaps, I guess.

I sort of felt for the LW's wife here. While certainly it isn't great to start every sex act with "I don't want to do this" there's this attitude in the letter of "She PRETENDS to be GGG, in that she willingly fulfills my kink even though she gets no pleasure from it, but then she fails to utterly convince me that she IS into it!! If she is GGG, she should enjoy it as much as I do, or at least entirely hide the fact that she doesn't! In fact, scratch that, she should LOVE IT. Because being GGG should mean changing her kinks to mine!" Well, maybe she's really really not into it. Maybe it leaves her absolutely cold, is a total turn off, and she worries that if she isn't clear that this Isn't Her Thing it will become all they ever do in the bedroom.
I've dated guys like this... they need their thing in order to enjoy sex, and so sex is always about their thing. The fact that I really just couldn't come if the guy was doing babytalk about what a mean mommy I was didn't matter to them at all. I was willing to have babytalk sex sometimes, and act enthusiastic about it, but I sure didn't want it to be every time. Of course the real answer is to break up and find someone compatible, but a not-great second option is to trade-off... She might be scared he's never going to trade off.

@41,

Baby talk sex sounds so creepy. Ick.

Peace

@42: Seconded. Utter dealbreaker. I'll wear leather chaps to my high school reunion before I bang a babytalker. *shudder*