This is so telling and unfortunately all too common:

Over the course of twenty years, he had kidnapped her, beaten her, and strangled her with a telephone cord. When she was pregnant with their second child, he pushed her down the stairs.

Doesn't sound like they had twins. They had a kid, went through tons of abuse, and still brought another child into the world to be tortured by a monster.
Ladies, if you willing to try and tough it out with a sexy but bad guy, at least get your tubes tied.

Jesus, phoebe, that's not always an option. Saying No to your abusive partner isn't always an option. Being in control of your finances isn't always an option. Being in control of where you go and what you do isn't always an option. Being in control of your body isn't always an option.
Getting your tubes tied? She probably had no choice about whether to have kids.

@2: Yes, I know, but that's when its too late. There's nearly always a window of time when the abuser is showing signs but the woman doesn't take the opportunity to exit because she has an assortment of delusional and misguided ideas that it will get better or she can fix him.

@3 sadly true. Earlier this week in Dear Abby's column was a letter from a young woman in that exact place. She admitted she loves her boyfriend with all her heart, then detailed (at only 17) all the abusive things he does to her.

She asked the question 'should I leave him? I love him!'

Figuring that out- why women are in love with their abusers, will be a huge step forward.

@3: Or she's been conditioned not to recognize them. Not everyone lives in your world, Phoebe. I'm sure it's a great and very simple place, but the rest of us are struggling with the complexity of human existence in which messy things sometimes occur. You may not understand it, but you could at least demonstrate some respect for what you don't understand by reserving judgment.

But, then again, why would you start now?

Victim blaming in the very first comment! How about focusing disdain and judgement on the people who choose to abuse their loved ones? Abusers are not impersonal forces of nature. They know what they are doing is wrong and they do it anyway. They know how to gaslight their victims into believing it's their own fault; they know how to isolate then from friends and family; they know how to convince the police that it was just a lovers spat; They have powerful cultural forces colluding with them: ("it's a family problem"; "she must have provoked him"; "he's such a nice guy"; "he just loves her too much"). Have some compassion, for Pete's sake.

@4:

Figuring that out- why women are in love with their abusers, will be a huge step forward.

Somehow I doubt it. Exodus International would still be in business if humans could control who they loved, don't you think? And when has anyone ever figured out why anyone ever loved anyone? Are you making a joke and I'm not getting it or something?

What would have helped Giunta-Cotter (and has since proven to help others like her) are better procedures to identify the worst abusers and stronger measures to protect the victims of those abusers. That appears to be the point of the New Yorker article (according to non-paywall sources anyway).

The victim-blaming tendencies of the internet astonish me at times.

@6: Yes, all those scenarios take place. And these men are devious and cunning. But compassion is telling the truth about the situation. But when the woman foregoes the warning signs, and acquiesces time and time again to the horror of her friends and family - damn right I'll pass judgment. Being compassionate is not just about hugs, tears, and bringing over dinner - it's about having a backbone and telling it like it is!

In one of the articles referenced in SLOG I read that 80% of domestic violence and sexual battery comes from people in the same social circle as the victim.

Couple that with almost all the famous murderers of the last 12 months -- Holmes, Tsarnaev, Lanza...even Zimmerman -- being under 30, and it pains a vastly different picture than the one commonly portrayed, especially in this blog.

@6 - Actually, honesty is telling the truth about the situation.

Compassion is, according to Webster, a sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it. And, while you may think you're alleviating distress by "passing judgment", you're not. You're merely pointing out to someone in trouble that they are, indeed, in trouble and then adding that they have only themselves to blame.

A more compassionate solution is, in fact, figuring out why we love as we do, sometimes to our detriment. Providing legal, financial and physical safety to those of us who find ourselves in this position can only improve on that scenario, and offer children in domestic violence situations a way out from the cycle of physical and emotional abuse.

You say, "There's nearly always a window of time when the abuser is showing signs but the woman doesn't take the opportunity to exit because she has an assortment of delusional and misguided ideas that it will get better or she can fix him." What you're not doing is asking why; what is it that leads to those "delusional and misguided ideas"? How do we break that trajectory and begin to believe we are strong enough to be alone, and worthy enough for a good and healthy relationship?

Because that's the real question, the compassionate action, and it's not an innate journey for any of us. Consider yourself lucky that you have been afforded the resources necessary to made this journey. We haven't all been so fortunate but I believe some of us are stronger, and certainly more compassionate, for having come to it through our delusions.

@6 -- Not really. This woman escaped, she put a lot of distance between herself and her abuser, but then she went home to, in her own words, die.

@12: She had very good reason to believe that her husband would be able to find her no matter where she went.

@10, your "famous murderers" are responsible for an infinitesimal percentage of the homicides in this country in the last year. And Zimmerman isn't responsible for any at all.

Jesus fucking Christ, 5280, I really hope you're full of shit if you claim that you're in law enforcement, because you don't seem to understand the definition of homicide, which is something no one disputes Zimmerman of committing.

@14 - Jesus Christ that's fucked up. I knew you were a fucktard, but you seemed to have the occasional redeeming quality. Apparently I was wrong about that.

The only way that many women can escape their abusers is to get out of the house (a big thing in itself), change their names, and move to another town. With their children. Those women seldom have the money to do any of that, nor do they want to endanger their friends/family who will be harassed by the abuser.

Phoebe, it's best if you just don't talk about this, since nothing you can say will help anyone. If you wish to judge, then keep it to yourself.

@13 -- I know. I also get the feeling, but they did everything they could and she decided to go home. I don't .... feel bad for her at that point. She gave up.

@17 - they don't need money to move and change their name, dv shelters will cover the cost of that and more.
I've known women who lived in dv shelters for years, moving every few months between several states. And they weren't even trying to flee an abusive spouse. They were trying to avoid CPS.

Okay, here's the Dear Abby letter I mentioned earlier. Why the hell is it called 'victim blaming' to note that there's an issue here when a woman knows she is in an abusive relationship, but at the same time claims she loves the abuse "with everything in me" ?

07/10/2013

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a relationship for a year and a half with "Richard." I love him with everything in me, but he is mentally and physically abusive. He is also addicted to cough medicine.

Honest question here, because it breaks my heart to read stories like this. Her letter goes on...

Anyone in their right mind would get up and leave, but the one time I did, he pretended he didn't care and I attempted suicide. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I know I shouldn't. -- ABUSED TEEN IN CALIFORNIA

Link to full letter:
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_ful…

There's clearly an issue here with this young woman's self esteem. I will not play armchair psychologist on the internet and I will not speculate on what's going on in her head. But dammit, this is a pattern that happens over and over and over. Why? What power do the abusers have over their victims? Why is it 'victim blaming' just to ask the questions?

Holy victim blaming.

I would venture to say that women staying with their abusers has a lot less to do with delusions of their own power to change someone and a lot more to do with believing they'll never find anyone else that will love them and be with them.

They don't believe they deserve better. The bit about many of the victims coming from abusive background is not a throwaway tidbit, it's identifying a huge risk factor.

As for why women love their abusers, the human brain's capacity to fall (protectively) in worshipful love with someone who holds the power of life and death over you is pretty fucking well documented.

As is the mammalian brain's immense sense of reward when pleasure and affection are dispersed only intermittently and unpredictably.

As is the human tendency to place a higher value on that which comes to us at great cost (band camp, the Marines, children, relationships that are horrible for us).

None of that is news.

Also, this is a really good article on why saying abuse and love are mutually exclusive hurts victims and delays them from getting out: disruptingdinnerparties.com/what-is-love…

@17: No, I will not stop talking about this or any other subject on Slog I want to comment on. I am a woman, a mother, and these are women's issues. So there!

@23: If you're determined to keep talking, here are some recommendations from professionals on how to keep the conversation productive:

10 Helpful Things To Do Or Say To Someone Who Is Being Abused:
1. Open a dialogue. “Are you ever afraid of _____________’s temper?”
2. Show concern. “I am afraid for your safety.”
3. Appreciate the danger they are in. “I’m afraid the danger will get worse.”
4. Commit to being supportive. “I will always be here for you.”
5. Listen. “If you ever need to talk, I will just listen and not give advice.”
6. Value the victim. “This is not your fault and you do not deserve to be abused.”
7. Compliment the victim. Help to counter the toll that the verbal abuse may be taking on their self-esteem.
8. Make observations, not judgments. “I’m worried about you; you don’t laugh as much anymore.”
9. Offer to help in ways you can. Set clear and fair boundaries you are comfortable with.
10. Ask questions that focus on her/his feelings. “That sounds scary to me, how do you feel about it?”

5 Things Not To Do Or Say:
1. “Just Leave.” Please see the “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?” section
2. Give an ultimatum. This assists the batterer in isolating the victim further and cuts off their support system.
3. Bad-mouth the batterer. This may cause the victim to be defensive of the batterer and will make it “unsafe” to confide in you.
4. Disbelieve or demand proof of the abuse. You are not a judge. If they feel unsafe, that is all that should matter to you.
5. Tell the victim what they “have to do.” Domestic violence is about power and control, and if a victim is going to heal, they must regain control themself. Do not give advice, or tell the victim what they need to do, or what you would do. It is good to help the, discover their options, but the decision must be theirs alone.

@24: Thank for enumerating some of the overly mushy guidelines from so called professionals that have only exacerbated the problem.
10.8 - Judgment is not a dirty word. Instead of "I'm worried about you - you don't laugh as much anymore" say "Honey, you're depressed and it's getting worse. And you need to see someone about it."
10.10 - Feelings are important. But behavior is the key. People can behave one way and feel another. Dwelling on feelings is for long term psychotherapy - there's no time for that - remember?

5.1 You can say "Just leave" if you can follow it up with an alternative like "...I know this guest cottage and I'll help with the rent."
3.1 Ridiculous. Don't bad-mouth or disrespectful but make the obvious known. The abuse victim is already inherently defensive because she/he picked the batterer as a mate/spouse. People will still continue to confide in you if the know you to be sincere in your help.
5.5 - Mostly psychobabble. People, including victims, do appreciate and ponder on straightforward advice and warnings.

One idea that really struck me from reading the whole article was a small passage about why victims would choose to marry their abusers. It is very threatening to the abuser if their victim voices their decision to leave the relationship so the abuser acts out in hostile, controlling and abusive ways. Marriage becomes something that is perceived as being a stabilizing element for both the victim and the abuser. The idea being that if the threat of a separation is lessened, the abuse will be too. If one doesn't have the resources to "get away", then negotiating for their self-preservation is the next best thing and might give the victim a feeling of control over their situation. Regrettably and statistically, this rarely works.