SL Letter of the Day: All Men Do It

Comments

If that's not the best first sentence to a response I don't know what is.

Spindles on December 10, 2012 at 12:17 PM

Another woman who wants to change a man. Ugh. Forget it, ladies.

Pope Peabrain on December 10, 2012 at 12:25 PM

I'll never understand the mindset behind asking your significant other to delete their porn stash. Masturbation has been a thing longer than the Internet, video, written language, stone carvings, or homo sapiens have been in existence.

Knat on December 10, 2012 at 12:33 PM

Youth is wasted on the young.

Urgutha Forka on December 10, 2012 at 12:35 PM

@3 who are we to judge what couples agree to? The problem is the number of people who agree to something then lie about it-- this gives people a false sense of reality, and gives their partners strong incentive to lie. Porn users need to be out about it and porn opposers need to have realistic expectations, and partners need to be honest and realistic with each other.

wxPDX on December 10, 2012 at 12:41 PM

I really, really wish these re-prints of old letters came with an update. I'll bet she has a 3.5 year-old now.

Buttercup on December 10, 2012 at 12:44 PM

I'll also wager they broke up in 2009. And the kid has zero relationship with dad. And she's never seen a child-support check.

Buttercup on December 10, 2012 at 12:46 PM

This is here-say, of course, but I take issue with "he wanted a family" so he had six children with three wives (and how many girlfriends?). Guys who want "a" family usually want one family. I realize there are men out there who want more than one family - but that isn't the same thing as wanting "a" family unless, I suppose, everybody is under one roof.

Let's not confuse men who want a family with guys who want to populate the Earth or guys who define their masculinity by having as many children as possible with a perennially pregnant woman by their side.

Bauhaus I on December 10, 2012 at 12:55 PM

Agree with @7. The porn should be the last thing she is worried about.

People are dumb.

Rotten666 on December 10, 2012 at 12:56 PM

@9: People are dumb.

20-year-olds are EXTRA dumb.

MLM on December 10, 2012 at 1:05 PM

KTBC-- You're 24 or 25 by now, old enough to understand a few things about human nature. Did he con you into getting pregnant, and are you stuck w/ his kid now that he has inevitably disappeared from your life to troll other teenagers and just-stopped-being teenagers? Or did you take his advice and get out, freeing yourself? Write Dan again, I'm sure he'd be happy to let his Slog readers know.

Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on December 10, 2012 at 1:29 PM

@5 "Porn users need to be out about it and porn opposers need to have realistic expectations, and partners need to be honest and realistic with each other."

Are you sure about that?

I am under the distinct impression that porn falls under the "polite fiction" umbrella, wherein your family always pick out lovely gifts, no one gains weight and there is no such thing as an ugly sweater.

on December 10, 2012 at 2:05 PM

@5 Who are we to judge?

We're the commenters. We're supposed to have opinions and judgements otherwise this would get dull quick.

When someone writes Dan a letter exposing their relationship's inner workings then they are tacitly agreeing to let us, the peanut gallery, also have a go.

Besides, the letter writers are kept anonymous do not have to look at the comments. It's a victimless crime to judge them from way over here.

debug on December 10, 2012 at 2:10 PM

@2 - Another 20-year-old who is still learning how relationships work in the real world, instead of in fantasies. 20-year-olds of all genders go through it.

GArRo on December 10, 2012 at 2:31 PM

I feel insecure because he has had a MILLION experiences and I have not. So I asked him to take his porn off our computer.

Is it me, or is that a crazy non sequitur?

The addition of private browsing must be saving hundreds of relationships a year.

Dougsf on December 10, 2012 at 2:41 PM

This was a great response by Dan. He cut to the heart of the problem "This guy is toxic" while addressing her own insanity both in terms of enabling that man and having unrealistic attitudes toward porn.

Like other commenters I usually dwell on the times where I disagree in some way with Dan. His really great responses like this one deserve some comments as well.

Learned Hand on December 10, 2012 at 2:49 PM

@ 13, especially years after the fact. Does anyone know if the letter writers are contacted with the info that their old letters are being run on SLOG again? I would bet not. I would sooner bet that most of the email addresses aren't valid anymore.

Matt from Denver on December 10, 2012 at 2:53 PM

@15: "Is it me, or is that a crazy non sequitur?"

Absolutely not. It indicates that she's insecure as hell.

on December 10, 2012 at 5:01 PM

Still a, "Oh honey, thanks for clearing the browser history but could you not leave your lube right next to the computer? Thank you SO much" might be in order. All men might look at porn, but not all men have to be obvious about it.

DRF on December 10, 2012 at 6:38 PM

@6 and @7, sadly, I have to agree with you.

xjuan on December 10, 2012 at 6:39 PM

I would like an update, too. I really, really hope this young woman took Dan's advice.

random_lez on December 10, 2012 at 9:04 PM

I know statistically being 30 with three marriages behind you is a bad sign, but it's not a disaster. My aunt married, at 24, a guy who was 29 and had three broken marriages behind him. They celebrated 40 years this past July. Sometimes those earlier relationships were mistakes and learning experiences and everything works out.

I'd be highly suspicious if the guy were showing signs of being a sociopath or a creep, but masturbating to porn? Normal. He's just doing what so many guys do—promising not to watch porn, falsely, because it's the polite fiction a woman wants. His crime is not covering up well.

on December 10, 2012 at 9:36 PM

I seriously hope the idiot got her tubes tied.

sirkowski on December 10, 2012 at 10:09 PM

The most telling thing about a 30-year-old guy who wants to date 20-year-old girls is that he is a 30-year-old guy who wants to date 20-year-old girls. Being 30 now, I can tell you for damn sure that I would not put up with a 20-year-old's bullshit. Anyone who would is suspect in my eyes. What are you up to? It can't be anything good.

balderdash on December 10, 2012 at 10:38 PM

Maybe he has 3 failed marriages because he keeps marrying insecure, controlling bitches.

smajor82 on December 11, 2012 at 5:41 AM

@25: Yeeeeaaaaah. Because "All the women I dated in the past turned out to be insecure, controlling bitches" isn't a red flag with flashing dancing robots on it.

IPJ on December 11, 2012 at 6:18 AM

@26 I don't recall saying that choosing insecure control-freaks as partners was something positive. My point is just that in all likelihood, his current girlfriend fits the same bill as his 3 previous wives. Sarcasm is a poor substitute for an interesting point.

smajor82 on December 11, 2012 at 8:14 AM

@27: And here I hoped your post at 25 was intended as sarcasm.

Let me put this another way: a guy who tells you that all of his past girlfriends turned out to be insecure controlling bitches is warning you that that'll be your label in a short while.

IPJ on December 11, 2012 at 10:25 AM

@28: Especially when you already fit the description, as this letter writer does in spades.

BTW, where did the proposition state that he was _telling_ anybody that? It is possible to be a lousy chooser of mates and never even realize it, you know.

avast2006 on December 11, 2012 at 11:14 AM

Dude needs a vasectomy.

Barbara on December 11, 2012 at 11:37 AM

To the LW: "He's been married three times and has six children from a variety of women. I know, I know, it sounds bad. But he's one of those guys who wanted a family." -- DTMFA

To the boyfriend: "I know it's unrealistic to expect him never to masturbate. I just don't want him looking at other girls while he does." -- DTMFA

DrVanNostrand on December 11, 2012 at 3:19 PM

SL Letter of the Day: All Men Do It

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