Your conspiracy would make sense..except they provided examples of other, some possibly heterosexual, people afflicted by exploding glass.

Following "I was too shy to open a beer and masturbate" with "I just grabbed whatever I could and started slicing it" puts Mr. Welch in my pantheon of heroes.

I had a glass shower door spontaneously explode about two years ago. I was just glad I wasn't standing in front of it naked when it happened. Ouch.

I watched the original report on KING5 and was positively baffled by how anyone thought it newsworthy. Love that Adam himself agreed.

ghosts.

God was clearly punishing him for masturbating.

We should probably all donate to a fund to buy this man a new table.

A few summers ago (the really hot one with the 106 degree day) my kitchen cabinet’s frosted glass door did just the same thing. Scared the crap out of me, happened in the middle of the night.

College friend of mine worked summers as a glass tester for PPG (Pittsburg Plate Glass) - lots of protective gear - said some sheets would just explode when he touched them due to internal stresses. Acres of glass in this world - could make a guy paranoid.....

PS - Beer/masterbation - MADE MY DAY!

Love this.

All those chairs in the keyframe look heavily leaned back in. Just sayin'.

And I loved this too.

We had a glass table explode, but it was because my mom put a hot pizza on it. Must be an Italian conspiracy.