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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
It's possible your husband, like you, is somewhat new to the whole "communicating with you partner" thing. Set up turns, in terms of dictating what one wants. Maybe you go first, so when it's his turn,he less inhibited. Startwith the good old fashioned doin' its. move to "well, I like this, but I feel bad because you're doing all the work while I sit here...".
When that rolls around, maybe he'll fell more free to say things like "I like a steady hand pumping on my glans while you suck me", or perhaps, "dress up like bat girl". Whatever.
Note. This is ou going above and beyond the call, in going first.
Shit, I'm drunk. Someone asked me to play frissbee. Bye.
Second, blowjobs are not the end all of sex. I love both giving and receiving blowjobs. But as much as I like receiving a blowjob, I almost never achieve orgasm that way. It feels great. I enjoy it. But it can't quite get me over the top. It is mostly fantastic foreplay for me. I'm not unique in this way. I've had quite a few sex partners who have felt the same way. They enjoy getting head, but need some manual stimulation to finish off.
So maybe your husband's expectations are off base, not your technique.
But I'm with Dan, in wondering how his oral technique on you is going.....and how often?
You can read them too, but I'm hesitant to put the onus for this on you after he's been such a douche.
1) Have him lend a hand, so he's jacking off into your bobbing mouth.
2) Have him watch a porn blow job, while you're giving him a real one. Make some effort to imitate what's on the screen.
3) Give him more access to your body while you're blowing him. Sit on his face, or kneel on the bed at right angle to his body, so he can touch your body all over
4) Teeth. I know, I know, and generally I keep my teeth tucked away. But some men love the teeth. Since he is bored... maybe ask if he'd be open to the idea. Start gently :-)
5) Experiment with pushing past your gag reflex. Most people have a gag reflex. But you can get used to that feeling over time.
6) You can also simulate deep-throating, by squeezing the base of the shaft while using your mouth on the head and upper shaft.
7) Or, another variation: keep one hand at the base, tight. The other hand makes a ring, attached to your lips. Use lots of lube or, better, lots of slobber, so that the hand feels as wet as your lips. The hand that is attached to your lips does a swirly-thing around the head each time you bob up and down, as if you have amazing muscles in your huge lips. (Trust me :-)
Something you might consider trying is adding the elements of anticipation and perhaps some power dynamics, by getting him going and then pausing, perhaps making him talk dirty to you before you do more than light maintenance. Have him open up and be more active participant.
I am willing to make a call and try it again for the sake of SavageLove research.
'"Be creative!" in this context isn't just unfair. It's paralyzing. '
... well, it's kinda true, but it is possible to have a partner who is very, very uncreative and just never shows even the slightest curiosity about anything beyond a very rigid routine, and to just think: "Don't you _ever_ want any variety? Aren't you into anything else? Really? Can't you change it up a bit? I don't even know in particular what I want you to do right now, just that the idea of doing this again and again is boring me to death." I have been with partners where I just can't understand why it never even seems to _occur_ to them to try something new, and while I could direct them to do X and Y, what I actually kinda wanted was for them to show a little personality. I don't even know how one deals with that.
Anyways, I don't think this is at all true of TIWDIS, mind you. She sounds like a fine partner who may well deserve better. I'm just responding to the sentiment above.
I usually get annoyed when columnists respond to people's feelings but neglect to list actions that could be used as solutions, but darn it to heck are people providing TIWDIW with good ideas here!
how about 'your cock is so much biggerr than your brother's.....'
To #11 Erica, I hope we meet sometime.
Probably because Dan would tell him he's an asshat for complaining w/o communicating and (conjecture here) not going down on his wife like she deserves.
Ooh, maybe you should have your husband try trading some blowjobs with another guy so that he can get some ideas for you to try!
I'd say that learning how to get a blowjob has helped me too. I used to never get off from it, but after having a couple better partners, I think that partly removed some kind of mental block or something. But I also improved from having a better idea of what I liked and from being better about giving feedback - if you're changing things up and he just sits there and doesn't say anything, he's not doing either of you any favor. It can be a bit like a game of hot and cold - even if it's not yet hot, he should at least tell you when you're getting warmer.
Ok, ok, I'll at least *try* to explain something more specific... it's hard to explain some maneuvers with your mouth cuz I'm not completely sure what I'm doing as far as which parts I'm using. It's something like get the tip in your mouth and rubbing the top of it against the roof of your mouth, while to some extent keeping your tongue in the same place on his dick and changing your angle a little bit as you do that so that it moves along the curve of the roof of your mouth rather than straight in and out. I really feel like that sounds a lot more basic than it actually is, but that's my best attempt.
:D
Hahaha! Oh wow...
Stick a finger up his ass and see how surprised he is.
Think of it this way: Let's say someone wants to cook you a meal, you know, to make you happy and stuff. Let's say the person cooking isn't the greatest chef in the world, and they cook you the same boring thing once a week. You're appreciative of their efforts, but your ability to communicate openly with them isn't the greatest, and you don't want to offend them, so you just keep going along. Eventually they begin to sense your dissatisfaction and ask you if you actually like their cooking. Again, you two aren't the greatest at communicating with eachother, and you yourself are not a good enough cook to know how to provide useful suggestions, but you don't want to offend them. How do you proceed?
Again, this is all hypothetical. I'm not saying this guy's actually awesome and misunderstood, he might be a total dipshit. I'm just trying to frame this differently because there seriously doesn't seem to be enough context to accurately judge the situation. Though obviously the real problem here is they don't seem to be communicating very effectively, at least with regard to sex.
You, of course, still get oral because oral is only for people who aren't whiny.
Homeboy needs to chill the fuck out and appreciate what he's got going. Not everyone is going to be a superstar in every aspect of the relationship.
and
b) why is the password so often "adversarial"?
I tried feeling charitable, as many ppl made good points. But I'm still left with meh. If he's willing to finally rock the boat enough to complain about it, he can damn well work with her to try and figure it out rather than leave her at her wits end...
A: Because they have to.
2) LW should bring home a cute guy and have her husband demonstrate exactly the technique he likes on said guy. Actions speak louder than words, after all...
3) Another vote to hear how he's been on his cunnilingus... and PIV screwing too while we're at it.
Oh! Sorry, but I guess I missed my cue! But even before the cue, I couldn't help thinking about the last time my very beautiful but non-GGG wife gave me a blowjob... It seems like yesterday -- if yesterday were to feel like a generation ago... In fact, George Bush was president, and I don't think any of us imagined that some day, there would actually be another president with the same name, just as I couldn't imagine that this sweet girl I loved so much would simply cease all oral activity after our wedding day. I certainly never imagined that almost 2 decades and 4 kids later, she'd admit that she never even liked kissing, but did it, as she said, "...because I wanted you to marry me."
Sometimes we never know just how good we have it. And sometimes, we're so blinded by "love" or whatever to fool ourselves into thinking someone will give more than they've ever intended to give.
1. Have him talk more while you're doing it to find out what he likes best about what you're already doing,
2. Change up---I love the feeling of being sucked, but the change from "out of her mouth" to "in it" really gets to me, especially when she gets pleasure from her lips on the way in or out, because
3. He may get more from your lips than any other part of your mouth, and you might also, better for you and probably for him, because,
4. He might really get off on your getting off more. You should not pretend to feel pleasure you don't, but if you can, with the help of his hand, his mouth, your hand, or a vibrator elsewhere, it might really get to him...there have been times when my partner cumming with her mouth around my cock has felt so pleasurable and satisfying that I didn't need to go further myself. Don't fake it, but maybe a little exaggeration would be useful...if you feel like it.
Imagine a dude. He's been married 8 years or so. He's curious about getting into ass play, but doesn't want his wife to think he's gay or something. He knows every other issue of Cosmo has a sex tip about putting your finger in your man's butt while you blow him, so he figures "hey, if I tell her to try new stuff during beejers, maybe she'll try that. It'll be her initiating it, so she won't assume I'm gay!"
i was with a guy who was into light s&m and he wanted something painful during foreplay and said that exact thing when i asked for suggestions. being creative, i bit him on the armpit. hard. well.. lemme tell ya, that learned em !
@53 great suggestion -- I don't think I've ever come while giving a blow job, but now I have a new summer goal. I bet that would be hot.
@56 Me too. But sometimes when I ask for one thing, they give me something else. Damn those sadistic sadists!
@57 lol
Masochist: "Spank me!"
Sadist: "No."
;-)
Husband does not particularly enjoy his wife's blowjobs, but does not comment on it (for whatever reason - respect, or he's uncomfortable, or perhaps he is aware he doesn't have any answers), but over the years, wife notices his ever-lessening enthusiasm for receiving oral sex, and asks what is wrong. After three or four years of "oh nothing you are doing great honey", he breaks down and says he doesn't enjoy her blowjobs anymore. Being both young and otherwise inexperienced, he still doesn't have any advice.
What advice would you give them in that scenario?
This month I met a female doctor, for a complete STD checkup (available on an anonymous and free basis in my country). I asked her what was the latest in STD-protection for oral sex. Her answer : "a male condom covers it all". A bit puzzled, I said, "OK, but a male condom is not useful for some oral activities, I mean the other-way-around oral sex". Her answer : "well, you know, for fellatio, there's nothing protecting better than a condom". I had to say "I meant cunnilingus" for her to understand what other kind of oral sex I was talking about.
A few years ago a 30-something very good-looking female once confided that she needed to use towels on her bed linen when her boyfriend ate her pussy, because of the amount of her liquids. I asked her if that happened often. She told me "once a month". I've never ever had cunnilingus discussions with any of my female friends before that.
My country is so backwards. Sigh.
French, right?
That story would be funny if it weren't true.
It's also strange because my experience with casual sex was always 'um, no I don't do that' when it came to cunnilingus. Last I heard the only option of protection is a dental dam (I've never met a guy who carries those) and it doesn't really do it for me. Why have unprotected oral sex when I can have protected PIV and actually have a good time? It's a no brainer in my books (although of course a LTR is a different situation).
You'd be surprised how often I had to defend that position. To men.
Must be that thing of people wanting what they can't have.
+ 1 vote for Team Surprise Anal!
People in general just don't have any awareness of dental dams. Nor that someone might consider protection for oral sex necessary. I'm polyamorous and have brought up dental dams with a number of people and most are surprised by the idea. Some are turned off by it...I've only met one person who seemed a bit turned on by it.
I think it's largely due to people not understanding that there are sexual risks beyond pregnancy.
The idea of guys just not "doing" cunnilingus is hilarious to me and Dan has covered that issue pretty thoroughly in other questions. Those guys need to be told to grow up before anyone has sex with them.
In any case, buy some dental dams. Saran wrap makes far too much noise. Seriously, it can sound like someone crushing a paper bag when it gets all wet. Condoms are oddly shaped when cut up and often have strange textures or lubes that don't mesh well with that activity.
Breaking can be a problem, but it's generally only microwave safe saran wrap that has the pores.
Yep French, it's on my profile. Eating pussy is not mainstream here. You know the discussions about sex that junior-high schoolers have, a long time before they engage in sex ? Sex meant PIV, and "what drove guys wild was a blowjob, ewww". I hope it changes one day. I know of several married females who complain that "sex now is only PIV, he doesn't bother anymore with foreplay", foreplay being possibly an euphemism for cunnilingus. Women are not supposed to speak crudely about sex, even among themselves ("only whores speak about it").
@70 That's the advice the doctor gave me : a split condom. I haven't tried it either. But Arsenic7 seems to have way more experience. I think I may be falling in love with Arsenic7.
Arsenic7, would you tell us more about the use of dental dams ? Assuming you're a pussy-licker and not a pussy-lickee, what do your partners think of dental dams vs no protection ? Same sensations ? Assuming you are male, what do you think of condom-blowjob vs bare-blowjob ? I'm a sucker for taste and texture, me, so I don't do casual oral sex, because I fear it won't be the same experience with protection.
Never done this but couldn't you just cut the tip off then cut down the length? I imagine that would give you a rectangle assuming geometry still exists. As for the taste, I'd say go for a flavoured condom - they're obviously not wonderful but might be somewhat more pleasant.