Comments

1
Middle (or Junior High) School was hell for me, too, but I can't imagine how bad it would have been (and is for too many kids) if I was gay. You will save lives with this project, and that's something that no amount of money or fame can beat.
2
Wonderful. As a mother of a child bullied for their perceived gayness my heart goes out to her. It hurts to watch your child suffer. Everyone deserves to live free of intimidation. Both made my cry. Thanks for posting them.
3
Put the complaints about bullying in writing. Keep proof of delivery. Send a copy to the superintendent. All too often, if the parent complains only verbally and something happens later, the school says "First we heard of a problem."
4
I put up a video for the project and just got this message in my account inbox:
"I just wanted to say thank you for posting your video. It struck me in a very powerful way. The last few months have been very confusing and disappointing for me. To the point where today in class I felt like breaking down, feeling so lost over so many things. When you said 'you are not alone.' I finally did break down, and went into the bathroom and cried for about 15 minutes.

Thank you, it's what I needed to hear. I don't know if you'll read this, but from the bottom of my heart: Thank you for making my day better."

So, I want to thank you, Dan, for the enriching opportunity to take part of this inspiring project. I don't think I've ever received more kindness in my life than the response I've gotten from just mooching off of your brilliant ideas, and allowing me the opportunity to help you help all of these kids who ARE watching and ARE listening.
5
There are two things I'd like to see these parents of bullied kids do.

1. Get a lawyer and make complaints in writing to school officials while cc'ing the attorney. Either a private attorney, or someone working with a gay rights organization.

2. Get their kid into a martial arts program.
6
Dan, thank you for fighting the good fight. Your words are powerful, AND you just got a shout-out in Newsweek.
7
I agree with the above about complaints in writing, records, a lawyer, and the martial arts program.

I also would like to recommend that if the bullying is at all physical, go to the police and insist on pressing charges.

If you use some force, it makes the harassment worse. If you use a lot of force, it ends it.

I'm straight, but I was bullied a lot as a child. The only thing that ever made it stop was getting my older brothers to beat the bleeping crap out of the bullies. It only took one serious beating per bully to make it stop, and then the bullying in general stopped. But my brothers were simply older children, so they could do that. Adults can't legally beat up a child and get away with it (yet we let children beat up children and get away with it for no good reason whatsoever). However, it is illegal, and adults ought to press charges against other adults who assault them. So, handle it like an adult and press charges. I don't think that many bullies will keep bullying if they start being taken to court for it before they manage to kill someone. And it should be taken seriously well before it gets to that point.

At the very least, if parents know that they will have to deal with court cases and legal issues if their children physically assault others, then they might push harder for schools to have programs that decrease bullying.

Unfortunately, verbal abuse can also be incredibly hurtful, but I doubt our legal system has a good way of dealing with that, and it is harder to get it taken seriously. It's hard enough to get bullying taken seriously. We have this odd double standard that an adult who harms a child is a monster and a child who harms a child is "just being a kid", As if we don't actually care at all about the part about the child being harmed, even though being harmed by another child isn't particularly better than being harmed by an adult.
8
http://nobelpeaceprize.org/en_GB/nominat…

SOMEONE here must be qualified to nominate Dan. This project is spreading like a brush fire. The GOOD kind.
9
#7

That's also a great point--getting the police involved and pressing charges. But yes, use the lawyer, too, and get copies of the police report to be sure the cops are taking things seriously. And if they're not, write to them, too, and cc the lawyers. Document the hell out of it.

And #7, I'm sorry that you were bullied,too.
10
Fuck, that guy's video was painful to watch. That dude seriously went thru fucking HELL & BACK, it's remarkable he made it thru adolescence at all.

@8 - Um. I mean... I'm assuming this is hyperbole, right? If not, you've got a bit of a screw loose. Dude came up with a great idea for an online campaign that will surely help a lot of people, but he ain't no Mother Theresa. Usually they, ya know, go ahead and give the nobel to someone who, like, devoted their life to making peace in the world and stuff. ...Are you like 10?
11
Let me point out to any Seattle Public Schools students or parents or interested participants that SPS has a zero-tolerance policy, officially, for bullying of any sort. Suspensions are handed out like samples at Costco.

Obviously, however, this has virtually no impact unless the school in question has an active anti-bullying program with serious peer enforcement -- i.e. if the student body calls bullshit at every opportunity. Some schools are good at this; some schools suck at this.
12
my brother was bullied as a kid, and my dad confronted the parents about it,and made sure it stopped. i don't understand why parents of kids being bullied don't make it stop, whether that be confronting the bullies parents, reporting it to the police, or whatever it takes to make it stop.
13
@8, I was thinking of a McArthur Genius grant for Dan and Terry's It Gets Better project. I'm sure they could do some good things with a !/2 million.
14
@10 Mother Teresa was a right wing shill. She ministered to the poor while simultaneously supporting right wing policies that kept them down politically and economically.
15
@14

Yeah, that bitch. If only she could have been more like Dan Savage.
16
Agreed about getting complains in writing and generally being as much a pain in the ass to the school as you possibly can, including threatening legal action. Even if you can't neccesarily help him, your son needs to see that you aren't giving up on making his situation better.

HOWEVER, if you can possibly manage it, take your son out of school and homeschool him. No, it's not fair that your son has to leave the school while the punks abusing him can stay, but in the long run it will be better. There are secular homeschooling groups that can help you, and don't think for an instant that your son will get a good education amongst all that abuse. I can assure you from personal experience that you aren't paying much attention to math when you're on alert for who is behind you and when the next incident was going to start.
17
Just saw you on CBS news. "David" Savage? LOL
18
Two things any parent of bullied children should do.
1) get your kids into a martial arts program, one that emphasizes restraint.
2) get them involved in the local arts scene. Audition for a local play/musical. Local artists are very supportive of gay youth. Really, get them involved in anything and everything outside of this hellhole, so they have something to look forward to ( a concert/an anime convention/ art class/ martial arts tournament/ a LARP weekend/camping other fun shit that kids like to do)

If your kid is being relentlessly targeted by bullies, harass your school. Do not just call them, call the principal, call the school board, get PFLAG to call the schoolboard. Let them know you won't tolerate your child being bullied. This also shows your kid that you've got their back. Pick them up from school if you can, so they don't have to endure the terrifying unsupervised walk home. If all else fails, MOVE THEM TO A NEW SCHOOL. It's better than having a dead teenager on your hands.
19
+1 for 'hip' as an intransitive verb.
20
i wonder if a tiny part of the problem with unresponsive school administrators has to do with how we refer to this problem: our use of the word "bullying." i think in our culture, the concept of bullying is something relatively unthreatening. like the a big kid taking marbles from a little kid on an episode of leave it to beaver. not very much fun, sure, but something most kids go through and probably help the little sissy boys to toughen up. it's only been in the last few years that people have begun to take bullying seriously, realizing that it's a terrible, horrible problem for so many of our kids. maybe in the more metropolitan areas there is a more progressive policy, but in all the other places - the mid-size towns, suburbia, rural areas, etc - i think bullying is even viewed as something that can be wholesome (toughen up that sissy kid). not an insignificant number of administrators think they're doing the kids a disservice by intervening (a spare-the-rod kind of thought process). because of this, i think its time we change our vernacular and call this shit what it is: harrassment. that term is taken more seriously, given more weight. let's do everything we can to make these folks realize just how bad this problem is.
21
@16 & @18 Agree completely. As hard as bullying is, if your kid knows you're there supporting him, I think that has to make a big difference. We went through this with my oldest (didn't wear the right brands, didn't swear enough, apparently) and I felt like I was in there every day. The problem is, once this starts happening, it's really hard to stop the reputation someone has as the easy target, and we finally realized that our only option was to yank him out (punishing the bullied, again) and find a new school the next year. Not easy when you live in a rural area.

We have home-schooled in the past, and while I no longer see it as a great idea across the board, it is a wonderful option while you sort something else out. For the Letter Writer, you may not be able to change this one. It sounds like you have a wonderful, sweet son, and those qualities should be nurtured, not hidden. I would look for any option to find a high school that is arts oriented, even of he isn't, because you will find very different kids there. Any sort of alternative program that caters to kids who aren't mainstream.
Re: martial arts: I have mixed feelings about this. My oldest, the bullied one, took tae kwon do, didn't make any difference then. He lives in Vancouver and does Krav Maga now, because it makes him feel empowered, I think, but it's sad to see that sweetness and sensitivity replaced by something else. But I guess that's just life, sometimes.
22
"......arrived in my inbox AT THE EXACT SAME TIME."

......cue "Twilight Zone" theme music.....
23
Dan.
Have you seen Grayson's latest political ad?
Any comment?
You've been dry humping Grayson's YouTubes for a year-
why so quiet now?
24
I've spread the word about this project as much as I can. It's a wonderful start, maybe it will spark other ideas in other venues. One of my best friend's commit suicide a month before we were to graduate high school; he had been "discovered" to be gay and was being harassed. I'm 45 now and still think of and miss him often, wonder what he would be doing, how my life might be different with him still in it. I miss him.
25
@21, martial arts can help, but it's no magic cure. I grew up in the martial arts, and by the time I got to High School I could have easily beaten most of the bullies. I didn't. To this day I look back and wonder why. My hypothesis is twofold:

- Escalation. Bullies can come alone, but they work best in packs, like hyenas. Yes you can beat up one bully. And then you can wait to leave school and have the bullies 6 friends beat you to within an inch of your life. Or, if you go to the kinds of schools I did, you can escalate matters until the mini-thug brings a gun or knife to school. All the while you will know that the administration could give a shit about you and will do nothing to defend you.

- A sort of "battered wife" syndrome. Not so much thinking you deserve it, as much as a feeling of being vulnerable and helpless that doesn't square with the objective reality. Women who get beaten by men aren't merely beaten because they are pysically weaker, but because they are psychologically tortured into the irrational belief that there is no recourse to the abuse, that they have to just take it.

Life does get better and I've been lucky to have been left with few emotional scars (though they feel plenty fresh whenever I read these stories), but not all kids are as lucky. Parents need to remove them from that situation and not count on the incredible resilience of childhood washing away all the hurt.
26
I agree that this parent should get a lawyer and start making documented complaints, but I also suggest they contact every news media outlet that will listen and throw administrators and bullies names around with abandon. Get it while it's hot so to speak.
27
I couldn't get through the video. And it wasn't for the content. I know this is going to sound callous so I apologize in advance- but I have a hard time listening to people when every other sound out of their mouth is "um". It eventually is all I can hear. But if what others in the comments are saying is true then kudos to this poor man for making it out of his adolescence alive. It takes a strong will to endure that much and that is an accomplishment to be proud of.
28
23

Yeah.
Why is Dan so silent?
Do we file his boycrush on Grayson away with his endorsement of Obama and advocacy for the War?
29
I liked that video. Very open and honest. I like how he talks about the shame he felt- big emotion that many normally hide. I hope his life is fucking wonderful right now.
30
Michael Urie made a video for the project today! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o1io2oA1…

So did Perez Hilton.
31
"i think its time we change our vernacular and call this shit what it is: harrassment"

Absolutely. Or "assault."

Several years ago in England there was a rash of incidents of kids beating up other kids and recording it on cell phone video, and then showing it to other kids. The perpetrators were calling this "happy slapping." Bizarrely, the media adopted that terminology uncritically, instead of calling it what it was, which was assault.
32
@12. I am the mother of a child who was bullied. We did every legal thing possible for six hellish months. I could see my beautiful child disappearing into depression, anxiety and pain.

One afternoon I picked him up and he had a black eye. The school didn't call to tell us and when I went into the office they were irritated with me for "wanting to make an issue of it."

The next day I pulled my kid out of school, found an accepting homeschool group and went about the business of healing my son. I didn't care if he lost academic ground, I just wanted his spirit restored.

Now my son is attending college and thriving. He is an out and confident gay young man. Those middle school bullies thought they won but they did not.
33
I love this project. I wish I could contribute to it in a meaningful way. Any suggestions for a basically straight married mom who wants to show her support of this project and the right of all GLBT people to pursue happiness?
34
Just watched you your CBC interview Dan.
CBC has posted a link on there website to the youtube site "It Gets Better".

This is the CBC interview

http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/Featured_…

Thanks Dan
35
@33 You're not asking me, but....I volunteer at the Calgary equivalent of Planned Parenthood. Our group goes into schools and runs the sex ed portion of the "life skills" class we have called CALM. You get a chance to talk to kids who might not be able to talk to other adults in their lives. We also run workshops that focus on dealing with homophobia in schools or the workplace. (and we hand out LOTS of condoms...) Your local PFLAG would probably love more volunteers, too!

36
My advice for a parent whose child is being bullied: First, go to the principal. Name names, and ask what disciplinary measures will be taken. Document the discussion. If you do not get a satisfactory response, then find out when the school board meeting is. They are open to the public, usually monthly, and the school board has authority over school administration. Bring a lawyer if you can; in any case, bring documentation. At the school board meeting, request a chance to speak. Tell the meeting about the specific incidents of bullying (make sure you point out that you have names), tell the meeting about your discussion with the principal, and ask the school board right then and there what disciplinary measures will be taken against the harassers. Not feel-good policy changes, not signs in the hallway, not a mandatory in-service day class for the teachers - what disciplinary measures will be taken against the bullies? Embarrass them into action. Do not get shrill, do not get abusive, don't yell and don't swear, but don't be put off, either. An embarrassed school board WILL take action against the principal and superintendent that caused them public humiliation.

A child who's not bothering anyone shouldn't have to leave their school. The torturers should have to leave the school.
37
...and if that doesn't get results, sue. Sue the parents for assault, sue the school district for failing to protect your child. If it costs them money, I guarantee things will change.
38
@2

Your kid is perceived as gay?
Damn.
Who could have seen that coming?
39
@ 38,

My child is straight. It's never easy to be different in middle school. It's easy to tease someone for standing up for a gay friend by labeling them gay by default. Then to be reflective and acknowledge that acting like a bully is unethical.

Thank you for asking. Enjoy your evening.
40
As a grandparent of a 3 year old boy who is gay - and it will become more and more obvious - it scares me to think about his terror years being bullied. I love him dearly and want him alive when it is finally time for his life to "get better".

Thank you to Dan for starting this inspirational project - and to all of you for diving in to help.

You give me hope that when Andy is 13 - just 10 years away - your energy will have made it better THEN and he won't have to wait till 23.

God love you all - and keep you safe in Her arms - and strengthen your courage to fight back.

Andy thanks you - and so does Pop.
41
IT DOES GET BETTER.

My kids are straight, their dad is straight and I am bi.

My son was bullied for being fat. My daughter was the typical teenager - broken-hearted over every little thing that happened, just like her mother when she was in school.

But it GETS BETTER. Six months from now, the sting will be less. A year from now you won't remember their names. Five years from now, you'll remember something unpleasant, but the good things in yr life will overpower the memory. Ten years from now ... you get the picture.

You are loved. Even by people who don't know you. I promise.

Please wait...

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