There's a reason why bank employees are behind bulletproof glass, and it isn't fear of bank robberies. I have never felt as close to committing homicide as I've felt in a bank.

Really, you didn't know this?

The moral of the story? Keep your receipts and balance your checkbook. Er, your Quicken thing. If you're not using one, you're a fool.

@2: Come the fuck on. It is not even close to reasonable that it takes three days for a debit card transaction to even show up as "pending."

@3: Who has time for that?!

Duly noted, glad I can learn from your mishaps when I close my Chase account this week

@3 and @5: Passive tracking tools like Mint.com are also suitable and require less overhead.

I tried to close my BoA account some months ago. Thought I succeeded, but then a couple of weeks later got a bank statement from them. The teller left $.01 in my checking account, so it was still open despite my going through all the bs to close it.

Places that take your debit card aren't required to post the charges immediately, though most do. You are still liable for those charges and will be charged an overdraft charge if you don't have sufficient funds to cover it. Why is that a difficult concept to understand?

Why do you use a debit card in the first place?

@4: See @9.

Didn't Chase once run a whole ad campaign based on the magic of debit transactions happening instantly?

@9 and @11 Just fucking stop with the holier than thou bullshit. Like TV Dinner said it's not reasonable and banks go out of their way to do shit like this.

@ 4, that depends on whether Christopher used his debit as a debit (which should be virtually instantaneous) or as a credit card (which is where delays usually happen).

I don't know if there's a single, legitimate reason for credit transactions taking longer. Even if it's a restaurant transaction, where they have to adjust for the tip, that's all settled up by the establishment when they close at night.

Everyone with a debit card needs to use it as a debit, not credit, transaction when given the choice.

Oh, and @ 5, I hope that was snark. Because really, that doesn't take that much time at all if you do it once a day.

I'm with the Why Use A Debit Card crowd. Take cash out of an ATM. Use cash. Always. If you don't have cash on you, do not buy whatever it is you wanted to buy. Use credit cards only for car rentals and other travel arrangements that require them. Use debit cards never. Makes fees irrelevant.

Just a word of advice:

1) Open your new bank account PRIOR to closing your old one.

2) Get your deposits going into the new account and make sure your autodrafts are all set to go from the new account.

3) Wait a few weeks and make sure that all checks and debit transactions have cleared your old account and then close it. This is the last step in the process, not the first.

@16
You never buy anything online?

In a world where you can video chat someone on another planet why the fuck doesn't it take milliseconds to transfer funds. It makes absolutely no sense to me, it is Zeros and Ones stored on some hard drive on some server. These things should be instantaneous

I had a similar time at BoA. Crazy making.

Interesting that nobody in comments mentions auto-pay, which also triggered two of CF's overdraft fees.

I've done everything possible to avoid setting up auto-payment for anything. It's just always made me nervous. I've deliberately kept my life sufficiently simple that I can write two or three checks a month and/or phone-pay, and it's not a huge time suck to do so. Phone-pay is an easy option if you're traveling, don't have internet access or your checkbook, etc., and you can keep mental track of when stuff is due.

I've also avoided e-billing. As rural as I am, the possibility (and the fact) of internet disruption makes dependency on e-billing seem foolish. I did on-line payment for my Verizon land-line for a few years, but their website absolutely sucked--it was changing all the time, and it was GLACIALLY slow--sometimes took me over 30 minutes and multiple do-overs to accomplish the task. I finally lost my shit one day when they made me jump through a bunch of screens to opt-out of e-billing yet again before giving me access to the bill-paying screens, and I cancelled my land-line (which was down to about two calls a month) that same day.

A week later I received a printed notice telling me that my service CHANGE request was being processed, and I wasted 45 minutes on the phone verifying that my account was actually closed. (Their explanation for the vague and misleading notice? Supposedly one of the biggest and most sophisticated companies in existence couldn't handle two separate customer-service letters, one for account closure and another for actual alterations to service.)

My Halloween-only profile pic is hereby dedicated first and foremost to Verizon, and secondly to all the asshole banks out there.

For those contemplating changing accounts of any kind, it is a good idea to make a list of all of your "auto-pay" accounts if you do electronic payments and either pay then before they are due from your old account, or get them to you new account as quickly as possible. Not trying to be snarky here, just a friendly reminder.

I once cancelled a Wells Fargo account and kept getting billed for a five cent debt on my account. And after two years of getting mail demanding I pay five cents, it finally stopped. They had to have spent a lot more than five cents. But that was the most fun I ever got from a nickel!

Not saying that they're not complete douches, but yeah, this is why when my bank sent me a debit ATM card I sent it back and said no way in hell. It's also why I don't set up autopay. They're charging me for having a checking account, I'm going to use the damn checks.

also, @17 has the best solution, that is what I did when I transferred over to BECU, worked just fine.

FYI to those closing accounts with major banks, Its good to check on supposedly closed savings accounts after a couple months too. I had a BoA savings account I emptied and closed. Months later some "interest payments" suddenly were deposited (the bank assured me they were from the .000 place decimal that finally added up to 1c in a computer somewhere) reopened the account (without my knowledge) at which point BoA promptly charged (and overdrafted me) $10 (+$30 for the overdraft) for not maintaining the minimum balance.

"The biggest bank in America doesn't have the technology to take a payment over the phone?"

How else are they going to "win you back"?

It's not a technical limitation, the policy exists to fuck you.

My Advice

When you close an account at a bank, be sure to then go out and write all the checks in your checkbook for exorbitant amounts. This is because of the special "Seattle Rule" that says that after you close an account, a bank is responsible for all the debts you incur, and they can never process you for these debts.

It's in the Law under Special Magical Rules and Stuff.

Thank you #17!
This is not rocket science.

I closed my Chase account a little over a year ago. Luckily I still had a joint account with my parent's Credit Union so didn't have to bother doing research and finding one on my own. I simply transfered all but the minimum balance required to not get any fees and left my Chase account alone for several weeks. Almost a month actually.

What's infuriating? It still took multiple trips to several different Chase locations to finally close my account for good. The first attempt the man said I was not allowed to because it had still been too soon (I told him I hadn't touched the thing in weeks and he claims there were still "things happening"). The second and third attempts was a lot of waiting that had me sitting there for over an hour where I eventually gave up and left.

I finally managed to try a Chase in China Town and the fast, efficient teller closed it in under ten minutes, giving me all the rest of the money in my account and showing me it was closed. However- it did not stop her from going "Are you SURE you want to close? You have the fancy Ex-WaMu account and you would lose all your extra benefits from closing it." To which I replied "Look, all those benefits? Yeah- you guys have already stripped nearly all of them. All those benefits you promised account holders originally from WaMu would be allowed to have as long as their accounts were open. That's why I am closing my account actually. You guys promised not to charge me extra for using outside ATMs and yet here we are, with my bank statement telling me I have been getting extra 2$ charges every time I use non-Chase ATMs for the past several months. And now you guys tell me my no-minimum checking has a minimum. You lied. You lied through your teeth. Close the account."

Honestly? I can't recommend ditching these despicable For Profit Hell Banks enough. Credit Unions were once considered inferior for several reasons that no longer exist:

"Credit Unions have ATM availability issues." This has been answered in many ways by different Unions. Some CUs re-imburse you for a certain amount of ATM fees per month. Others have deals with certain ATM companies. My CU used to re-imburse- though I don't think they do anymore. But with nearly every grocery store or drug store having a "cash back" option there is no reason to ever NEED to use an ATM if you are smart. Just take cash out every time you need to get groceries or toiletries.

"Credit Unions don't have the breadth of Branches that big banks do." This has also been completely solved for me. I originally joined WaMu in NYC because my CU was New Hampshire-based and there were no branches in NYC. This made for a hard time depositing checks and interacting with my account. Now, though? Most credit unions, mine included, have fantastic digital management sites online and FANTASTIC phone apps. These days I deposit my checks from my phone. Sure, it has a maximum amount I can deposit per-day, but I have never had issues. It's fast, convenient, and eliminates ANY need for a physical branch. And most CUs have far superior layouts and user-friendly interfaces on their sites than the big banks do.

"You don't get as much interest on your savings in a Credit Union." Honestly? Unless you are a millionaire, or close to it, the interest rates on Big Bank savings accounts are abysmal. They offer very little benefit. And once you factor in the ATM fees, the extra ATM fees for not using a Bank- Sponsored ATM, the overdraft fees, the little fees hidden at every corner designed to leech from people with not-a-whole-lot-of-cash-to-begin-with? I found that, as a freelancer making around 28k per year Chase was fining me FAR more money than I was receiving in interest. I was LOSING MONEY at Chase. And this has been the experience for nearly everyone I know. Since going back to my Credit Union? No extra charges yet. Sure the interest is slightly lower (only slightly, which was surprising) but I wasn't getting hidden-fee'd every which way.

All in all there simply is no reason NOT to join a Credit Union. I strongely urge everyone to take this "National Leave The Big Banks To Join A Credit Union Day" to heart and do it. You won't regret it.

We used to use WAMU which was bought out by Chase. My husband had a similar comedy of (their) errors trying to close his account. I honestly can't remember what the issue was, I think it was something about closing his account but having a monthly fee or something that got applied automatically thus opening the account or something equally stupid. We had to go to the branch twice. I had to go with him to ensure he didn't rip any heads off.

I suspect that it's just easier for them to beg forgiveness with the hope of scamming a few people out of some extra money, than it is to just run their business ethically. We now have our accounts with USAA and so far, no problems at all.

Chase deliberately makes this difficult so they can make money off fees. In our case, I went through all the hassle of opening my new account and switching things over. But there was one annual magazine subscription I overlooked that went through after my account was supposedly closed.

I went in and paid the difference, since it was technically my error (that said, why not just refuse to clear the payment and then the magazine would have followed up with me for not paying?) They would not close the account on the spot, claiming I had to wait some period of time I can't remember now to make sure something didn't clear, because of some policy about not closing accounts that were recently overdrawn. The logic made no fucking sense; it was completely arbitrary. So then I waited like a month or whatever they told me I had to do, and went in after receiving mail about how they were changing their fee structure. I tell them I want to close my account, and he says that they already closed it without telling me. So why are they sending me information about the new account fee structure again?

So, I *think* it's closed, and all automatic payments have been moved over to my credit union as far as I can discern. But how the fuck can I know for sure? They never sent me anything acknowledging the closure of my account and I have the word of one guy to go on that it's actually closed. To realize they can provide this kind of non-existent service while also profiting from the collapse of the economy by getting WAMU's profitable wing at cut-rate prices, just drives me up a fucking wall. Along with that asshole mortgage law firm that dressed up like homeless people to mock people victimized by their foreclosures, I'm this >< close to sharpening my guillotine.

I had 2 checking accts w/ Wamu (long story), and only used one of them, but kept about $50 in the other. Chase took them over and started charging the other acct a $10/mo fee, then when all the money was gone, they charged an overdraft fee for it. I couldn't close the account unless I physically went to the bank.

I do auto-pay through my credit card because life is too short to write several checks each month, but this is one reason why I never set up auto-pay through my checking account. If someone fucks me over through credit card auto-pay (like charging me twice* or charging me for shit I never agreed to), I have a lot more recourse than with a checking account, and I won't get stuck with overdraft fees.

*Which has happened to me twice in the past six months by two separate organizations. I got my money back pretty quickly, but I'm sure some asshole company like CenturyLink or AT&T would conveniently take months to give me my money back.

As a former BofA drone, I totally buy the technological limitations -- the systems they're working with are archaic. Because the big banks swallowed up so many other banks, their systems are cobbled together from all those individual bank systems.

I tend to give the tellers/customer service people the benefit of the doubt here -- yes, sometimes they're stalling you, but often they're fighting with a maddeningly obtuse system with less than ideal training. I worked in the back rooms closing bank accounts for businesses, and even though I worked with competent people who had been there many years, sometimes the system would not let you close the account, and you could not figure out what the problem was. But of course the bank didn't put a priority on updating systems -- that would've taken money out of the C.E.O.s' retirement funds.

It's frustrating, but always remember where the ultimate problem lies (hint: it's not the teller making $10/hour for potentially dangerous work).

I'm so glad I've only ever had credit union accounts. They are member-owned cooperatives, which makes immediate sense if you are into democracy. Credit Unions are a way to participate in economic democracy , something this country desperately needs.

@17 - I did that with BofA. They charged me twice my normal monthly fee, overdrew my account with new fees, and then got pissy when I closed my account. I did stop all payments through them well before this happened, they just got bored and wanted more cash. I finally cancelled everything with them, waited a week, went in and paid them off. They handed me my change ($0.26) and I never went back.

Yes, I'm aware that local credit unions are better, but right now the most convenient brick & mortar bank for me to move my Chase account is the Oregon-based Umpqua Bank that just opened a branch near my house. Has anyone banked with Umpqua enough to have a good or bad opinion of its fees and services?

This is why you cause a scene and make the manager come out and close it for you. Don't bring signs or protesters though, or they may throw a hissy fit about it.

Bank of America wasn't any better.

I closed my last non-credit union account (BofA) a few weeks back -- in person, at the branch, with the branch manager -- and guess what? I just got a statement from them that may account remains open: with a balance of $0.02!

I also spent an hour on the phone tree/customer service maze getting it closed, finally and for real. Maybe.

(I won't believe it for real until I get the written confirmation of my closed account that I requested they mail to me.)

@14: I'm actually quite serious. I hate balancing the account, and I only do it twice a month when I pay bills. I also don't have to deal with that pending fees nonsense, either, as I've banked with a credit union for ages and they post purchases promptly. I mean, hell, I'm in grad school, have a spouse who can't remember if he ate lunch, much less what he paid for it, and a 20-month-old force of chaos in my life, to say nothing of an internship and some volunteer commitments. I'm not balancing the damn checkbook every night before I go to sleep.

@ 42, that's your choice. If you're in a position where you aren't always second guessing if you're going to overdraw or not, then that's a luxury you can enjoy. There are a lot of people who'd benefit from spending the three or so minutes it takes to do, though.

Um, this is why you set up all your auto-pay stuff to go into a credit card, and then pay off the credit card every month.

@43: I am most definitely not in a position where I don't know what it's like to have five bucks, no gas, and three days 'til payday. We just don't get overdrafts because the credit union won't let us buy shit if there isn't any money in the account. It causes some awfully embarrassing moments at the grocery store sometimes, though.

All I'm saying, Matt, is I resent having to invest a lot of time on this stuff and choose not to. My husband and I probably have far fewer debit transactions than most, because we really only use it for groceries and gas. You wanna take the time to know within two cents what your balance is, then go crazy. But please watch the assumptions.

Lesson: never use a debit card. Ever.

Some of you are being a little willfully blind about the issue by suggesting using credit cards. Do you think for a moment that the credit card companies and the credit bureaus are one iota less awful than the big consumer banks? Maybe you avoid some trouble yourself by charging bills and paying them off later, but you're putting money in Wall Street's coffers every time you swipe a Visa, no matter who's backing it.

To an extent it's unavoidable; if you ever want to shop online or use any sort of subscription service you have to have at least a debit card. I don't think it's really responsible to use credit when you don't have to, though.

I wish we had a President with the guts to bring out the trust-busting hammer on the credit bureaus.

@39, we've used Umpqua for a little less than a year. So far, no complaints at all!

I don't think it's really responsible to use credit when you don't have to, though

The alternative is to use cash nearly 100 percent of the time, which, for most people, would entail carrying a shit load of cash everywhere they go or using second-party ATMs, at several bucks a pop, which entirely benefits the second party and the ATM-holder's bank. The rest of the time, most people would be obligated to use checks, which are an enormous pain in the ass and carry a risk of overdraft, at $35 a pop going directly to the bank.

Assuming they're paid off in full, credit cards are an incredible bargain.

@ 45, I made no assumptions here.

@51 Good for you! I'm glad you've never had any unexpected, emergency bills to pay or any bank errors that might cause you to incur an overdraft fee. And thank you so much for imparting your wisdom on us!

@47: "I don't think it's really responsible to use credit when you don't have to, though."

But it is rational. Lots of credit cards have reward features that return 1-3% to the card holder. That money comes out of the merchants' gross, of course, which of course means all prices are marked up to compensate. If you pay cash, you are subsidizing the reward card users.

If you are on good terms with an otherwise level-headed small business owner, ask about credit card fees and step back to a safe distance while the Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde transformation runs its course. I pay cash or write a check to small businesses I like. Reward cards for everything else!

I thought this was going where #26 described.

I, too, once got in trouble with a bank for "not maintaining the minimum balance" on an account after attempting to close it. I was very angry. They refunded the charges.

And yes, Smells Far Go did exactly the same thing to me; yet they would NOT roll back their fees. Six weeks had gone by before I knew what they'd done. I was disinclined to pay the actual charges until they backed off on the fees. I even had the federal Office of the Comptroller of the Currency involved. But while all this was unfolding, Wells "charged off" my account, which is very bad in the banking world. Evidently I'm now in some 3rd party Database of Doom (Chex Systems) and have not been able to open a new checking account anywhere. Even at a credit union I've enjoyed for 22 years. And the OCC eventually ruled with Wells Fargo saying they did nothing wrong.

It's True! BofA will NOT close your account. They left 1 penny in my account. This shows their shareholders that they are not losing accounts. I had to make yet a Third trip to the branch to finally close the account.

Years ago, I closed all my accounts at Chase. A year later I couldn't get a mortgage because of an overdrawn account at Chase. They didn't close one of the accounts, then started charging me fees because I hadn't met the minimum balance (since my balance was, of course, $0.) This turned up on my credit report.

TL;DR: A few months after closing your accounts, check your credit report to see how many of them are still open.

Our chase checking account was restricted without any notice as well. We had this account for 13 years (started when it was Washington Mutual bank). I was an loyal  customer in every way, direct deposit two pay checks, home mortgage with chase, credit cards, ATM cards and the whole deal. All of the sudden they decided to close my account. When asked why, both by phone and going to their branch, I was told they can not tell me why. I will spread the news on face book sites and all my friends and family that Chase sucks big time.

Makes perfect sense to me. They ask you if you have any pending transactions and you go "duh, I don't know". Balance your checkbook. Save your receipts. Don't close an account until everything has been paid. Logic. Try it.

@17 -- Wow--you just reminded me of the time I realized that Chase charged me $25 a MONTH to "save" $125.00. Stupidly, I didn't open the account statements that came in the mail, thinking they were honest and basically telling me that I had my $125 in my savings account. No way! When I opened a statement I found that I had only $25 left. They had simply charged me $25 a MONTH for 4 months to "save" my original deposit of $125. Great work if you can get it! I went in there and immediately closed the account. Of course the guy didn't offer to replace all those fees. They just totally ripped me off for $100, as I'm sure they do to other people too. Moral of the story: READ YOUR STATEMENTS RIGHT AWAY and protect yourself from Big Banking! And now I have legal insurance in case anything like this happens again. Nothing like a letter from an attorney to bust through the BS. So please do double-triple read what you got yourself into before it bites you back like it was originally planned to do in the first place.