Well, Dan, I’m anti-Catholic. But I went to Catholic school as a kid so I’ve got good reason: Nuns would hit children with a paddle for having a good time. Now the church is refusing to hit adults with a paddle when it’s the last thing that can end their misery.

But, perhaps in a targeted effort to warm Washington’s secular hearts, a story emerges from the Vatican that actually kinda, sorta—okay really, really, really—makes me want to hug a nun. They refuse to make people navigate the hell of those automated phone directories. Old nuns personally operate that big switchboard in the sky.

For 50 years, the nuns of the order of the Sister Disciples of the Divine Master have operated the Vatican switchboard. They are the gatekeepers of the Holy See.

The sisters field half a million calls a year from all over the world. They assist the friendly, the loud, the troubled. They help the faithful negotiate a labyrinthine Roman Catholic Church bureaucracy whose instincts tend toward discretion, if not mystery. …

Sister Maria Grazia, 71, became an operator 14 years ago after serving as a missionary in Africa. The robust, jolly Italian speaks English, Spanish, French and Korean and gets by in other languages too. Most of her calls come from Asia, Africa and the Americas. And she talks to quite a few people who say they need an exorcist…

The sisters work from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. They recognize and tolerate certain regulars. One frequent caller identifies himself as Saint John the Baptist. He’s harmless, though he gets touchy if they don’t address him as “Saint John.”

“He asks me to pray with him, and I do,” Sister Maria Clara said earnestly. “Sometimes I have to put him on hold to take other calls. But he waits.”

The Vatican directory is over here, in case you need an exorcism, want to reach the pope, or just wish to some day be paddled out of your misery.