2008 I Be All Hatin’ On Mormons, Yo
posted by November 4 at 11:41 AMon
I had a dream last night. My husband* announced that he was leaving me for a nice Mormon lady half his age because he wanted more children. Lots more. I asked him just how he was going to accomplish that, seeing as lady parts don’t do it for him. He explained that he planned to stay with me for three more months. During that time we would “save up enough” to get his Mormon bride pregnant at least 10 times. I agreed to his plan.
When I told my husband* about it this morning he got mad. He would never agree to break up with me in a dream, he insisted. I told him to be mad at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, not at me. The Mormon church has poured $20,000,000 into California in an effort to ban same-sex marriage in that state. With this election the Mormon Church has shot past the Baptists and Catholics in the race to be the gay community’s Craziest Mortal Enemies. Think about that: $20,000,000. Think of how many hungry people that kind of dough could feed; think of how many homeless people that kind of dough could house; think of how many Jewish victims of the Holocaust that kind of dough could baptize. But instead of spending that money on any of that crap, the Utah-based Mormon Church and individual Mormons all across the country opted to almost single-handedly finance the fight against marriage equality in California—a fact that inspired this ad:
This ad is upsetting people—well, it’s upsetting Catholic archbigot Bill Donohue, at any rate, who idles on outraged. Donohue put out a press release today condemning the ad because, you see, it “demonizes” Mormons for doing… well, it demonizes Mormons for doing exactly what Mormons are attempting to do: strip some Californians of a basic civil right because that basic civil right runs counter to Mormon theology. And while it’s fine for Mormons, Catholics, Baptists—for all people of faith, whatever their faith—to attack gays and lesbians in the most despicable terms (the haters in California have resurrected the circa ‘76 “they want to recruit our children” libel), Bill Donohue doesn’t believe that gays and lesbians should be allowed to push back. We’re supposed to take punches, not throw them. We’re certainly not allowed to point out that the same church that opposes our right to marry might have a broader agenda, that that church might also oppose some of the rights other Americans take for granted. Today a ban on gay marriage financed by the Mormon Church, tomorrow a ban on birth control? Divorce? Coffee? Cocktails? Non-magical underpants?
Sorry, Mormon Church, but if you’re going to attempt to strip minorities of their basic civil rights on the basis of your religious convictions, you can’t declare that any discussion of your faith—any examination of your motives for entering this debate in the first place—to be unfair or bigoted or out of bounds.
Finally, my fellow homos, there are roughly 13,000,000 Mormons in the world. How many of us are there? At least 15,000,000 of us in the United States alone? They’re a smaller minority than we are; we outnumber them. Why are we letting these douchebags push us around?
* Legally married in Canada and three U.S. states; marriage not recognized by our federal government.